I’m living with and caring for my elderly grandmother who is in her late 90’s. This evening she really became angry and was crying the moment I walked in the door. She was critical of me because I didn’t immediately take her where she wanted ( I had just walked in the door from work and hadn’t even sat my purse down!) and she began crying and carrying on that I treat her ‘so bad’. This was after I came home during my lunch hour to bring her newspapers and to check on her. THEN I was the sweetest granddaughter (her words). But for the life of me I can’t do enough for her! I cook, clean, shop, garden, make sure she has everything she needs, and run the household. She can be so kind and considerate at times and then just turn on me and I feel like a little girl again and get my feelings hurt. I have a serious health issue (heart related) that I have worked hard to overcome and don’t want my heath to suffer again. I just want some advice as to how to avoid the emotional fallout that I experience when she gets mean and ugly with me. Thank you in advance.
The thing I found helpful was to "practice" whatever I needed to say. I'd do it in front of the mirror or with my husband in "role play". It seems to 'set' better in your brain than just thinking about what you'll say. The more you practice, the better you will become at having the response you want rather than what comes spewing out of your mouth.
It's more than hard NOT to engage in a conversation where you are being attacked. Knee-jerk responses are the norm but you will have practiced your responses and have them at the ready.
Also, there are things like meditation, exercise classes, bio-feedback, breathing exercises, music therapy, hot showers and the like to ease the stress of your situation. Of course this forum is where you can let it ALL hang out!
The timing (late afternoon) of her 'different' behavior sounds just like sundowning, especially since she was nice to you at lunchtime. Unfortunately, she's at the age where dementias are the most prevalent. UTI's also wreak havoc on the elderly (women mostly). See if you can't get her doc to run a urine test.
In my late 90's I think I'd be a bit b*tchy too from just living too long. She's gotta' be tired with all the years she's seen.
As they say, be a duck and let her comments roll off your back.
Good luck. Let us know what worked and how you're coping.
This gig requires patience and love beyond measure (and sometimes reason). Would that we could all be saints, exceptionally spiritually qualified for this!
It has helped me immensely to read your query, and also to read this thread full of responses. Sometimes just the reminder that there are so many other souls out there experiencing what we experience is all the help we need to go on for awhile longer. We are surely in plenty of good company, for what it's worth.
Hugs, prayers, and blessings to you all!!
Whether it's age onset dementia, crankiness, bitterness…
The sad truth is that at this point, we need to decipher the everyday bitterness from a Urinary Tract Infection. The most important thing for you is to take care of yourself!
The lack of gratitude is difficult, but when it turns into criticism, constant arguing (and, in my case, being treated like a slave-robot), it WILL destroy you.
Reach out to support groups for caregivers, vent here and please try to have compassion and logic (they don't mean it, it's not who they've always been).
My parents were driving me into the ground, I was getting into car accidents, forgetting my own work schedule- just trying to manage the endless demands and my own life. If you look up "caregiver burnout", I was the definition.
I finally took an involuntary respite. I broke down to the point that I couldn't deal with any of it anymore. The guilt has been illness-inducing and none of our lives have gotten back on track since.
TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF! Reach out for support, remember the better times and try to be compassionate.
Best of luck to you, love ❤️ Prayers 🙏🏻