I am my mother's medical and financial POA. My father and brother are dead and I have been managing my mother's affairs legally since 2018. Mom is in an assisted facility with memory deterioration. I live in a city an hour and half drive away. Mom moved into the facility after she had a serious heart failure that required a pacemaker implant. She lives in a rural community where health care is adequate, but anything difficult or requires a specialist means trips to nearby cities. I tried to keep her in her home as long as possible, but she finally made the decision to move to the only facility she deemed fit to go to. She liked it because she was close to my brother's wife and children and great grandchildren, with promises of visiting and calling. Mom's short term memory is leaving and her PCP assured me that this would have happened even if there was no covid and he has noticed a marked decline in the last several months. It is becoming more difficult for me to handle her needs, my stress is high. The cherished family that lives close by have not called or visited either social front porch/social room, or virtually. I have pushed, given suggestions, covered for them when she would ask why she doesn't see them. Mom is struggling to understand why they don't visit, I am struggling to deal with the difficulty in doing runs of "drive and drops" during lockdown. My stress level is high. I have made the difficult decision to move mom to a facility close to me so we can visit, she has good medical care as she ages, and to help my stress level.
My SIL had a stroke and has recovered, she is still dealing with memory and confusion issues due to the stroke. I have discussed this possibility of moving mom closer and she understands because she sees how difficult it is becoming for me. But her children will be upset, even tho they have not seen or talked with mom. MY children have seen her more via virtual visits and they live in various parts of the country and out of the country.
I know I am making the right decision, I know it will be difficult for mom to leave her little town, I am prepared to deal with this, but I am anticipating a major blowback from the local crew. NOT sure I can deal with THAT. My SIL sees mom is not mom, but her children, who live just blocks away, have not talked with her enough to notice the decline. Am I being too selfish for being exhausted with long distance management and stress? Has anyone any advice?
For those who are struggling with facility issues, document. Save every scrap of paper, text, email, phone call notes. Date and document.
I wouldn't give a monkey's about the vocal but absent family members, don't let that stop you; but if the advice specific to your mother suggests that it might be better for her to stay in her familiar surroundings that might give you pause. In that case, IF that's the advice, then you still cut back on your physical presence and be prepared to accept that mother gets fewer visitors.
You mention your brother's wife, children and (your mother's?) great-grandchildren - does this mean that your brother himself is perhaps no longer with us?
They said get grandma out of there and we don't care if she has to go to where I live.
So a negative has created a positive and it also made me a better consumer and I have appointments at several facilities with a long list of questions. My lawyer friend gave me great advice on how to deal with the current facility while working on getting her out.
Thanks for all the great advice!! And I think (fingers crossed) that while mom has memory issues..she is aware that something is not right and she keeps telling me "they are fudging things here"
After I picked myself up off the floor, I had to explain that it will be a couple of weeks, I had to finish the details and make a plan.
She is now a self appointed undercover agent...reporting gossip, but everyday asks when, and "I can start packing"
My daughter told me "I think Grandma has been wanting to move but was afraid to ask, she didn't want to bother me." And I think she may be right. I know this is going to be hard and there will be a period of adjustment and decline in her memory, but I am hoping to spend the time she has left with her enjoying her quirks. As some of you pointed out, the local family is relieved. Mom's comment was, "they never come, they never call, even when no one was allowed to visit, they could have called. I don't know why, but they can come to see me there"
Thanks to all.
Now on to the next hurdle on this track!