I had to put my husband in the nursing home two weeks ago. He has Dementia from concussions during his NFL football career. I took care of him for 10 years at home. My health was declining from living on 2 hours a sleep and the stress of panic attacks he was having and the sun downing. I feel so guilty. He looks so sad there and wants to come home.
I think this is a question of expectation management.
Your lovely husband has declined over time. You cared for him devotedly for ten years at home. This must in itself have been a sad, as well as an exhausting and stressful experience.
His health then reached the point where lack of sleep and simply his care needs made it impossible for you to continue as his sole caregiver.
Guilt is the feeling that we have done something wrong, or that we have not done something we ought to have done. Neither applies to the course that your husband's illness took. You could no more meet his needs than you could have lifted him physically over your head and held him there.
Having him admitted to a nursing home where he could be looked after by a team of qualified people was the right decision. It is better for *him*. It means that his needs can be managed by people who have the training and equipment to do the job skilfully, and it avoids the risk of anything happening to you that would have left him vulnerable and alone.
But he is sad, he wants to come home, and of course he cannot understand why this change has happened. He needs reassurance and love. Give him those. You will still feel sad alongside him, but I hope you will lose the guilt.
And who's looking after you, by the way?
Ive cared for my husband for 15 years since his stroke. 5 years ago, he had a near fatal heart infection and has declined since then to the point he is now bedridden. Like you, my health has declined. I don’t sleep and the stress is unbelieveable. And like you, I’d suffer from many feelings of guilt if I had to send him to a facility.
Two weeks is not a long time for him or you to adjust to this new way of life and these first few weeks can be so stressful and heartbreaking for us. Many facilities suggest not visiting for a week or so to let your loved one get accustomed to this new way of life and have the staff get to know him as well. We have the best intentions, but when our loved ones see us, it reminds them their life has changed. Your husband is getting the care and supervision he needs. It’s difficult to pass the baton, but this wasn’t a decision you made lightly. Trust in yourself that you made the right one. Whenever you need to vent or need a cyber-hug, come back here. We’re open 24/7.