I've been taking care of my dad at my home for the last 3 months. I also have been going down every day for 4 yrs to his AL and taking him out for day trips. He broke the ball off his femur in the beginning of Sept and then he jumped out of his window at his Rehab in Oct. No AL or MC in town would take him because of this terrible stage of LBD, so I took him home w/ me til I could get his symptoms under control. He has very severe Lewy Body Dementia and multiple bad things going on inside his body. It was very very hard to take care of him. I put him on hospice in Nov and tried to carry on at home. He was always falling. 5 to 6 times a day. I couldn't keep him in his wheelchair or his bed. It was a nightmare. Plus he was always grabbing me when he fell. On Monday, MLK Day, he pulled me down so badly, I think I herniated my side. I called the social worker and they said they would put him in respite on Tuesday for 5 days while I got back on my feet. I took his meds over and asked them not to give him anything too strong as it really affected him so badly. Like Gabapentin really took him down. They gave him Seroquel and Valium to relax him and to treat his symptoms they said. I got a call from them in 36 hrs and said he had passed. What happened? I went over on Thursday to see him and he was resting comfortably and then they called me later that day and said he had passed. What happened so fast? I feel guilty because I know he was scared to be left in a strange place w/ no one he knew. I was so beat up though, I needed to get some rest. In fact, the nurses at the hospice house told me to stay away for a few days to get the rest I needed. But what happened? I can't believe it! He was here and now he's gone ~ I feel like I let him down. Weird stuff!!
I've seen this before in my nursing career. A patient will "wait" to pass away when the family ISN'T there.
My dad did this. I had been with him 24/7 in the hospital, trying to sleep on a fold-away "torture" bed. Every day was the same, he seemed to be stable. The ONLY night I stayed at my girlfriend's house, the hospital called me at 4:30 am and said he didn't have long. I got there a few minutes after he died.
WHY couldn't he have "hung on" until I got there? Because I believe the dying want to "spare" us the difficulty of watching them die. I really believe this. It happened with my ex-husbands grandmother too. Many patients of mine have died when their family leaves. Maybe it's a "personal" thing. Death is easier done alone.
I believe the Good Lord has our date and time already planned, but I think we have some "wiggle room" in exactly when. I think your dads' time had come and he was making his exit alone to spare you the grief. It's just my theory. Thankfully he is no longer suffering horribly. I am sorry for your loss but happy that your father is content and at peace.
Please take comfort that you cared well for your dad, you loved one another and he is not suffering any more
I know I have been here that long because when I reread some of the old threads for answers and comfort I go to click the thumbs up icon and find it won't register as I've clicked on it YRS AGO!
Now one reason I am feeling SOOOOOOO guilty because I left one thing out.
After I left my sleeping dad on Thursday morning I stopped at the grocery store and got some of his favorite snack for him ~ Chocolate milk, Milky Way, a bag of those awful orange spongy Circus Peanuts that gross me out.
I noticed La Mesa was just opening up for lunch in the strip mall . I thought I'm gonna grab a chimichanga to take home for lunch and then head back to the hospice house. When I pulled up right in front, I noticed my phone was just about ready to die so I plugged it in and left it on the console w the car running. I'd only be a minute.
I sat at the bar, ordered my lunch, Juan put a basket of free chips and salsa in front of me and I placed my order. He came back and said Frozen Margaritas were on special that day ~ Long story longer ~ I ordered one!! I haven't had a drink since Sept when my dad broke his leg and pelvis!
Now don't get me wrong~ I am not a drinker. But it felt so good to have someone else, besides me, caring for dad. For just a few hrs it felt so good not to be so wound tight trying to live his life and my fife on constant alert!
When I got back to the car, I had missed 2 calls from the hospice house. I didn't think much of it, like maybe my dad wanted his slippers or his sleeping cap. I called right away and they said "Your dad has passed." WHAT?!?
Now my question is, dear readers ~ Do you think when his soul shot by on his way up to see St Peter, he looked down and saw me having a big fat juicy sweet blended Strawberry Margarita at La Mesa and taking a deep breathe to have just a few minutes w/o constant angst? YIKES!
Love all of you here! Still will come everyday to read up on you ~ In fact over the Fall, I sat in the bathtub one night when my dad had FINALLY settled in and read Being Mortal. Good book but you all on this site are so much more down to earth and informative. In fact, I thought AC should pick out some of the best threads and answers and publish a few pamphlets on the different subjects!
Thank you all again ~ For years of strong guidance, information and inspiration! Love to all.
My deepest sympathies and condolences. I'm very sorry for your loss. I know its really hard right now. Please know you did everything you could and more for your beloved dad. I know its easier said than done but try and be kind to yourself. I, too, wanted to be there for my dad, but he passed two hours after I left his side. The doctor had told us he had 6 months. It's a terrible shock. Thinking of you.
But this time, I would go one step further. I think your Dad wanted to buy you a drink. Doesn't this tell us something about how aware he was, buried deep inside him, of how much you loved him and all that you did for him? What a lovely man. L'chaim!
Take care of yourself, you must be reeling.
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