There is a place I've been wanting to go for about five years to visit but it never worked out. I decided to make it happen about a month ago and I took my mother with me. I rented a house right on a beautiful lake with a deck overlooking the water. The weather was colder than was expected so I did not get to swim but I was mostly happy with the quiet, reading and looking at the water. My mother, though, could not find anything nice to say about the place we were staying. This was not a super eight motel but easily a 700k house. Once she gets on a negativity roll, there's not really any stopping her and she lambasted her way through the whole vacation. I did not try to change her mind while on the vacation but after we got home I told her she ruined my vacation, especially since I've wanted to go there for so many years, her complaining constantly just sucked the enjoyment out of everything. I said she could have pretended to enjoy it or at least kept her complaints to herself. She apologized but since then I've felt really disconnected. Like she's not going to be happy no matter what I do, so I'm not gonna put too much effort into it.
One day this past week, she was awake and upset when I got up to go to work and her issue was she was sad thinking that all of her children were going to go to hell. I listened for a few minutes and made a couple comments but I wasn't going to be late to work over it, especially as this is not the first time we've had this conversation nor will it be the last. Apparently she has noticed my new approach and doesn't like it and I think I'm ok with that. I dont have to agree with her all the time or get upset whenever she does. I have spent many hours and many days trying to listen and help her to feel better about the same things and it never seems to have much effect.
Im tired. I still love her and will help her but I'm realizing that I feel like if she couldn't fake a positive happy attitude for three days for something important to me, what am I doing all of this for? It really hurt my feelings that my happiness was worth so little to her. I went to a lot of effort, time and expense to make it nice and she just shit all over that because she focused on what she didn't like. Why should I put extra effort into things for her if this how it's going to go when it's something for me? The only expectation I had was for her to relax and have a nice time, she did not need to do a single thing.
The key to YOUR sanity is acknowledging your mother for who she is while acknowledging and respecting your own limitations. Ask yourself why you're willing to put up with all of this nonsense continuously? One discussion about me "going to hell" would be enough to look into other living arrangements for mother (if you are cohabitating). AL gives her OTHER ears to chatter into as well as autonomy and the power of choice in her life. It's the best answer for chronically unhappy elders who want to ruin our lives. It's not okay to do that nor is it okay for us to be doormats bc we love them. Love doesn't conduct itself in the way our mothers do.
My husband will cleverly pull out his phone and start showing her funny videos from YouTube or Insta or TikTok and that usually gets her onto a different course. All her life she has been a glass-half-empty person and I'm the opposite. I would never pick her as a friend, I think she has a mild personality disorder or is somewhere high on the spectrum as her only friends in life have been her sisters (and me by default).
I have to tell myself daily that I'm not responsible for her happiness, I am not her entertainment committee. Her emergencies are not my urgencies. I will take her to a few places but because of her chronic negativity and micro-managing and nagging I don't take her anywhere socially anymore, even if my friends ask to see her -- she is a total Debbie Downer and I just refuse. I already have to be with her every day as it is.
You need to stop "taking the bait" when your Mom launches into her black goo. Literally walk out of the room without an explanation and keep walking away from her every time she does it. Or, put in earbuds and listen to your favorite music, or change the topic abruptly. You need to figure out strategies for dealing with people with dementia because they don't get better, they don't even stay the same: they only get worse -- and you need to decide how you're gonna live with it, or not.
Also, stop having expectations of her.
Expectations are premeditated disappoinments.
After my step monster went into memory care, Dad laid a lot of guilt on me to entertain him. I took on three trips and he ruined every one. I said no more trips, but then I continued taking him to dinner - still awful. I finally, finally realized I am not responsible for his happiness.
The hardest thing is that we have a sense of fear of and obligation to our parents. What a bunch of shit. We need to let that go.
Peace to you.
going out to dinner was especially painful. One time we took her out for her birthday. After years of this bugging me, I told her if you don’t like the menu, like your chair, like the waitress, the entree selection, if it is too hot or too cold in the room please let me know before we place the food order and so we can get up and leave. After that I do not want to hear it. She was annoyed with me but she shut up.
One time my parents invited her to go to dinner with my family for a holiday and she spit the salad out all over her plate because she hated balsamic vinegar. Complained to my parents who were her hosts about this. She was so self absorbed that she did not take notice of my parents’ generosity to include her.
Some people prefer to be unhappy and make everyone around them
miserable too.
Did you honestly expect that she would be able to do that?
Can you bring to mind any occasion, ever, when your mother appeared to be relaxed and having a nice time?
The type of negativity you describe in your mother is absolutely exhausting to live with. It is, really. You go on to mention techniques you've developed to make sure it doesn't wreck your working day and I'm very impressed by that because it is by no means easy to come to such realization; but if there's one further thing to take away from your ruined holiday it's that you need regular breaks *from her.* Next time spend part of the budget on hiring respite care and go without her.
Take that wonderful holiday. Alone next time.
Yet, he never stops trying to kick the football. Lucy makes him endless promises that she's not going to pull it away this time. So Charlie gets a running start and goes to kick tha football as hard as he can and Lucy pulls it away again.
You are Charlie Brown and your mother is Lucy. Your life is the football.
Stop trying to please your mother. Stop trying to make her happy. She wants to be miserable and negative. There's nothing that you or anyone else can do about that.
So leave her to it and get a life for yourself.
If she has dementia and can't manage at her own put her in AL or memory care.
Enough is enough.
We don't have that type of patience. We don't have that type of time. Infants grow into toddlers. Toddlers turn into kids. Kids turn into teenagers and teenagers turn into young adults.
Some old people revert back to their child egos and narcissistic ways. Don't waste your good years taking crap from an old crone who is deadset on being miserable, refusing help and medications to make her life and for those around her better. Stop rewarding bad behavior. You come around when you know someone is working to better their situation. When someone is just sitting in their mess and refuses to do anything about it even though they have the capacity to do so, leave them alone.
I'm glad you can disengage as much as you will allow yourself to. I reached that point with my mother when I started getting paid (including back-pay) for driving her around (the trips took hoursssss). I was able to look at it as just a job, for which I was paid $20/hour (no taxes taken out; it was considered a gift). I was able to set aside my emotions much easier at that point.
This was ur first post from Dec 2018. You mentioned then Mom crying all the time, chronic pain and Dementia. After 4 1/2 years hasn't that Dementia gotten worse? Or was it a misdiagnosis? Really, if you can talk to her the way you did and she seems to understand after 4 1/2 years thats pretty good for a person suffering from a Dementia. With my Mom, after 5 yrs she was in her last stages and could not carry on a conversation.
Glad that you finally realize that there is nothing you can do, this is your mother. She is just not a happy person. I had a friend the same way and that estranged her from her boys. Even friends backed off.