Before I begin, I myself am an aide in a nursing home so I have some knowledge on elder care myself. My mom took my grandfather out of the nursing home in December and back to his house, of which she used what little money he had to pay off some of his nursing home debts and refurnish the house after his 2nd wife's family had ransacked it. (A whole other story in itself) Anyway, she is living here, working 2-3 days a month, and raising a 10 year old son, as well as my grandfathers caretaker. He has Alzheimer's and is very confused all the time, and is frequently incontinent, but walks and eats on his own, and she allows him to do personal care (although I question this as well). She gives him sleeping medication around the clock and at times he will sleep until past 6 pm in the evening before having a meal (I witnessed this yesterday). She yells and belittles him, tells him he is crazy, and does not have the patience to deal with his "outbursts" and severe confusion. Her intent is eventually put him back in a nursing home with the hopes of either remaining in his house and paying the bills herself, or to sell his home, use the proceeds to buy a suitable house for her and my brother and then put my grandfather back in the nursing home. She believes as long as she is living in a house he owns that they will not take it. I am torn between reporting her behavior because I do not want to tarnish our relationship, and I do not think she is purposefully being malicious, as much as I think she is ignorant to his total care and took on more than she could handle emotionally, mentally, etc. My sister has seen first hand more of the verbal and emotional abuse she inflicts, and I know she has bad days where she is frustrated, but I still feel she needs to keep it together and try to provide a better, stable environment for my grandfather. I feel like I am at a dead end on what to do in this situation.
How do you know she wants to put him in a NH if she is the one who just took him out of one? And of course you must know she can't sell the house, because it will go to MERP to pay his nursing home bills. Once grandpa dies you will both be homeless, so start planning for that day.
If your grandfather sells his home, that money would need to be use for his nursing home payment and care, unless he is a millionaire where he can pay for many years in a nursing home.
If grandfather isn't a millionaire, eventually he will need to apply to Medicaid so that Medicaid can help pay for his care in a nursing home. Medicaid will check back 5 years to see what assets your grandfather had owned... ah ha, he had a house and it was sold... so where is that money?... oops, your Mom used it to buy a house for herself. Not good.... Medicaid will not help with the nursing home payment... now what? Your Mom's Dad has no place to live.