After almost dying of pneumonia 5 weeks ago Dad (90) miraculously recovered but fell a few days later from his hospital-bed and broke his cheekbone. He had to undergo surgery and felt so frail that he asked me to find him a place in AL, fearing that he would not be able to deal with my demented Mother (80) at home anymore.
I was skeptical since on multiple former occasions he had already turned down AL places last minute, but ok: I set the process in motion once again. Spent hours on the phone trying to find him a place nearby, did a lot of paperwork, transported his things to the AL - got everything prepared and assisted in his admission interview etc. Everything seemed well.
Early morning after just one night in AL he attacked me via phone in the most icy and hateful way for having taken his freedom away, something I had "secretly and maliciously been planning for the last few years", and he "thanked" me for getting rid of him "just like this". Two hours later he was back in his own house with the help of a friend.
His attack left me in total shock, the more as he is NOT suffering from dementia but is clear-minded and highly eloquent. For the last 5 weeks I had torn myself apart between his hospital stay(s), doctors calls, finding AL and spending time with Mom so she does not feel too lost. Again, I neglected my son, my house, my friends, myself ---- so I was so furious and hurt by his comments that I could hardly breathe. After a long cry I withdrew my contact number from all services regarding my parents and gave my brother's number instead, canceled POA and felt RELIEF.
In the evening my brother called, after a long talk he obviously had with Dad, and tried to make excuses for Dad's behavior (old, afraid of death, frail etc.). Once again I was supposed to push my own feelings aside like I did all my life, being a typical parentified child, and was asked to call Dad for the sake of "peace". I refused. Told my brother that I was done for good.
Shortly after my mother called, wailing on voicemail that I should call my poor suffering father. He did not even have the courage to call himself but let Mom and Bro do the diplomacy. By that time, I knew that this pattern I knew only too well from childhood would repeat and repeat endlessly until I would get out, so I called Dad (who was not even apologizing, pretending he would not remember what he had said) and told him as calmly as possible that he could live as he wanted and I would honor his freedom, but it was about time I honored my own freedom, too. I would not accept to be treated this way anymore and that it obviously would be better for their sake and mine if I stopped my caregiving role altogether.
Haven't heard from him since, but the first "flying monkeys" already tried to manipulate me back into the system. Seems the smear campaign and pity party are set in full motion. To clarify: it is not only my Father who regularly puts me down and makes me responsible for his feelings, but my Mother even more, so she is not an innocent victim here.
How do I prevent falling back into the trap? I cannot stand another round of abuse, but having been trained all my life to put my parents' needs first, I fear I might not withstand the outside pressure and internal guilt, especially since death may be around the corner.
Any suggestions would be very helpful. Thank you!
This is when you ask your friends for support. Schedule time with other people, Maybe you want to block calls from family for a week, leave a message with bro, that you are not available right now.
You must take care fo yourself first! Nobody else will.
Just pray and seek the guidance of the All Mighty God!
My question for you is, do you think of yourself as the one at fault in your situation, the one who does wrong and gets in a pickle? You don't have POA which means you don't have the authority, but you have all the burden/responsibility. This isn't right. Praying for strength to endure the wrongness is one way. Another way is to take action to correct the wrong.
Unless you find some small pleasure, an almost subliminal eyes-rolling-back-in your-head euphoria in this torturous pas de deux (trois), for a small fee I can come over and paddle your butt to help you back to your beautiful new found senses.
Your letter shows a very healthy awakening but it's like quiting any bad habit your resolve is new and uncomfortable. It will become more familiar and you will feel solidly refreshed and amazed at yourself with time.
When you need to keep from falling back reread your post. It's very good and clear.
Guilt? Should the mistreated feel guilt or should those who mistreat feel guilt?
This is a great lesson on aging and relationships for you son to witness.
Imagine the sweetest, unselfish, gracious parents in the world. They do exist. Imagine how satisfying and easy it would be help those type of parents in their older years. Imagine that they are appreciative. Imagine that they prevent you from feeling the pain you're feeling. And after they've passed, imagine you bless their memory with smiles and a grateful heart. Did your parents give you this gift?
Just continue to be the example. Don't waste your beatup heart anymore and keep up your new good you.
My husband made me speak with a therapist when he was concerned about me, and I can tell you what this man said to me about my situation (and yours?). My dad struggled with being a kind person, prior to dementia. He could be a very difficult and hurtful person to me, my mom, and others. What this counselor said is that someone like my dad will choose the “most codependent” sibling and make their role as caretaker the hardest. Blame them, hurt them, guilt trip them.
For me, this was a life changing statement. It explained to me so many years of this treatment. It explained why my older brother was not treated in the same way, even though he is not around to help my parents and historically has been more self-oriented with respect to our family. It explained how I was not able to make my dad happy with me or the level of care I was providing, no matter how much time and effort I put in. The therapist said I would not ever be able to do enough for someone like my dad, and that I had to make sure to be mindful to take care of myself and my children and husband first. I realized how I am a “codependent” person in that I do work hard to help others, feel guilty when I don’t, work in a field of helping others, etc.. Maybe the dynamic is the same for you.
That said, when my dad reached later stages of dementia he became softer with me. His face lights up when he sees me now, no more scowl or criticism. Even though I know it’s the illness that makes him this way now, I have been cherishing it. I feel like he loves me and am spending time absorbing his love while I still can. The hurt little girl in me needs my father still, needs his love.
I will pray you will find peace with your decision. I was told by two professionals to draw boundaries with my parents as they dealt with their disease, lest it take me down also. Take care.
:)
hug!!!
wishing you to receive lots of warm, kind, loving parental love.
and all other forms of love :).
-------
sweet people are often trampled upon.
maybe we should see it as a compliment! (i'm kidding) --- but in the sense that, if you've been trampled upon, maybe you're a super sweet person.
some people (even family) want to beat down light/shining/kind people.
people with different values, will always be in conflict with each other.
--------
very good your father is sweeter now.
i hope your life moves forward in great ways!! :) :) :)
bundle of joy :)
I never did anything mean to her, I remembered every birthday, Mother's Day, Christmas, etc. Dh, of course, got all the credit for the wonderful gifts. She's thank him profusely and never told he that I had shopped and wrapped everything and most of all REMEMBERED these dates. Made him look great!
I don't think we ever had a get-together when she didn't somehow get a dig in at me. I was constantly on edge and it got so bad I would usually end up locked in the bathroom crying.
The end of the relationship was when we went to help her with some computer problem. I had just finished my last chemo for cancer and looked and felt awful. She would not allow me to sit down at the table, I had to stand on a small throw rug. She actually asked me "when is the cancer coming back, did they tell you?"
She truly wished I had died.
AT some point just past that moment, I asked her for a Diet Coke. She said, no, I couldn't have one. Something broke inside of me. I got up, slapped her on the back and said "Good Luck with your life, I am leaving and I won't be seeing you ever again." I took that darn Diet Coke and slammed out the door. Dh is like 75% deaf and refuses to wear hearing aids, so he missed the whole thing. I walked up to my sister's house, alternately crying and laughing.
I have not spoken to my MIL since and I have easily been able to avoid her since.
I should have done this 40 years ago.
The youngest of three children, my older siblings were perfectly happy to offload her care to me. My husband and I took a week off from our jobs, spending time visiting nursing homes that would accept her medicaid - wanting her to have the best environment she could for her last days. When we found a facility that seemed to tick all the right boxes, (end stage COPD and the brain damage from her drinking left her with a lot of strange issues like a heightened sense of smell causing anxiety attacks when she was exposed to perfumes, scented lotions, soaps..dryer sheets...hair shampoos) and all airborne particulates that entered her respiratory system...which triggered exacerbations -meant we tried to be very selective), we met mom at her rehab facility to inform her. A social worker would arrive the next day to conduct an intake interview. Mom was not happy, but seemed resigned to the move.
I received a call from the social worker late the following day. They were sorry, after interviewing her, they felt there was no way they could meet all of mom's special circumstances. My mother had intentionally sabatoged the move. She made outlandish claims that she could not be around any carpeting, she could not room with a black person... because "their bodies emitted a smell that took her breath away". She could not have black attendants because the hair products they used "smelled". They would have to remove her from her room (bedridden by this stage) whenever they cleaned because they stirred up dust and the chemicals from the cleaners would get into her lungs. She made her requirements so stringent- it was impossible for any facility to fulfill them.
Already an emotional wreck from 4 years of dealing with her alcoholic behaviors (manipulation...secrecy...lying), I'd reached my limit. I boxed up all her paperwork, including her Financials and my power of attorney. I drove straight to the rehab facility. I was shaking so much, I could barely hold the box. When I entered the doorway of her room, I raised the box over my head and launched it into the room. Papers flying everywhere, and me sobbing... I yelled that she had sabotaged all my efforts. I was through. She was on her own. And I turned around, drove home...and promptly made an appointment to see a psychotherapist.
It took nearly a year of therapy before I had days that I didn't cry. I did not see my mother again until the days before she died. God bless my daughter. At age 23, she stepped up, got her grandma into a nursing home and into hospice. She was grandma's support system for the next eight months. A week before my mother died, my daughter told me "mom, if you want to make peace with grandma, you better do it now. She is dying.")
I spent nearly 16 hours with my mom before she died. I had the chance to forgive her...and seek (and receive) her forgiveness.
I don't regret my actions. I know I did what was right for me. But, I am forever grateful to my daughter for giving her grandmother months' of care and love...and giving me time with my mom at the end.
So...in the end, you must do what is right for you and the decisions you can live with. I wish you well and hope you find peace.
You have done more than enough. Now it isd time for the rest of the family to step in. Wash your hands and walk away
What an overwhelming nightmare of responsibility your stepfather has placed on your shoulders when you were just a kid!
You must have been a very strong and smart girl to decide that you were never trying to persuade her again. Kudos to you - you did the best in an impossible situation.
Someone further above mentioned Patrick Teahan whose work I really cherish. Just found the right video for the situation and since so many of you can relate only too well I would like to share it with you:
"6 ways the toxic family shames you for changing"
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qF8UPCQGv6A
Good night from Germany!
you are in germany!! :)
now i understand why the german word "unkraut".
hugs from me to you :).
step by step, move towards the right direction.
later, when things calm down, you can always decide what to do next.
enjoy the weekend! :)
bundle of joy :)
i agree with your warning, AngieGuido.
cutting completely ---
(sometimes, one must totally cut) (but be careful...) (and anyway, a decision to "take a break" doesn't have to be forever --- forever is very long.)
as i also wrote to you, dear OP:
these things are fluid.
days/weeks later, the situation can look and be different.
you're absolutely right to be mad/sad/angry/hurt...
it's totally wrong how you're treated.
and you should protect yourself. :)
cutting forever -- that can be further decided later.
people (also abusers) tend to, in some way, say sorry...maybe they'll say sorry for totally self-interested reasons...but still...most people (both the parents and adult children) want some sort of peace between each other.
i'm not saying to return to old traps.
i'm saying i agree with AngieGuido...somehow making peace.
hug!
bundle of joy :)
(my real name means peace)
Dementia has this weird thing of making some loved ones being “damned if you do; damned if you don’t”. I’ve seen it a few times. They say they want AL, then arrange it all and it’s the worst thing ever. They say they aren’t happy at home, but try and move them, and it’s the most horrible thing ever. You can’t and won’t win.
If your mom is 80 and has already been diagnosed with dementia and your father is 90 and in poor health, there’s no way they can stay on their own…at least not for long. They will end up in AL or nursing home soon, no matter what you do or what they say.
You’ve made up your mind…and you felt relief. Don’t be untrue to yourself. Your parents are not long for this world. Sorry to be so harsh, but it’s the truth.
They are not thinking clearly, and that’s just not your fault, so you don’t have to be pulled back and forth in their never ending drama of what they think they want.
Take care of yourself and your own family. I’m sure your brother is not happy with your decision, but that’s his problem. Be cordial, be polite. But also be clear thinking and true to yourself. Steer clear for your own health.
Thank you, that is valuable advice.
Not much more for me to do or say really.
I said what Alva said to a friend who just lost her father.
guilt isn’t just for criminals.
the law - in isolation - is not a good indication to decide the - whole - range of actions/inactions that should be considered wrong.
why?
1.
laws change
example: homosexuality (it was illegal/a crime)
…according to the theory that “guilt is for criminals”…homosexuals were and ought to have felt like criminals/guilty
…suddenly homosexuality is legal…ok, so now homosexuals aren’t criminals/guilty
2.
our conscience is a good thing. it warns us. “be careful”.
example. facts:
A insults (unkind, mean) B on the phone.
no crime has been committed. it’s not illegal.
but let’s say in my example, years later A still feels guilty about it.
A does NOT feel grief.
A truly feels guilty.
in my example, A decides to apologize years later. suddenly A feels a bit better.
3.
etc.
many reasons why the law is not the only thing - and shouldn’t be - deciding what we believe is right/wrong.
laws are constantly added/deleted.
negligence (unintentionally causing harm through action/inaction) normally isn’t a crime (sometimes it is) — and yet you can be liable in court (civil action, tort).
negligence (cases which aren’t liable in court)…can still make your conscience feel guilty.
we have an inner sense of things — that goes beyond what the law says.
———
regarding OP:
i would say, be careful.
:)
i totally agree with protecting yourself.
some people feel OVERLY guilty.
some people feel UNDERLY guilty.
i would say, dear OP:
take things 1 step at a time.
protect yourself from abuse.
you can always decide what to do long-term later.
(while at the same time for example, writing down how you feel now, so later you’ll remember when things calm down) (this way you warn your future self.)
I believe you may be confusing your legitimate distress and concern over your father's wellbeing with your feelings of blame that you must do what you can to make him feel better.
First of all, I, too, feel bad for your father--and I'm not even his daughter. 90 year old man, injured, unable to care for himself. Demented wife. I can feel really sorry for him. I can feel really sorry for your mother, too. Can you separate these legitimate feelings of sorrow for another person who is suffering (physically, mentally), from the necessity to do something (anything) to help them, from the feeling of blame if you don't sacrifice yourself, from the belief that you CAN help them.
From what I remember, your father ASKED you to help him find assisted living. You went through some trouble to find him a suitable facility. He needed more care than you could provide or he could provide. How the hell does this deserve blame? OK after he went into assisted living, he started to feel bad (neglected? uncomfortable?), and he wanted to come back. This reminds me of cats who whine to go outside, then whine to come back, and then when they are back, they whine to go outside again. It seems you all are so traumatized by his aggressive blame that you all are ready to do almost anything to placate him so he won't continue to aggressively blame you and make you feel bad. Who wouldn't feel bad? Who wouldn't want to believe that somehow he will be able to function with only a little bit of help? I'm so sorry. Can you think of his complaints as complaints against the world? Are you guilty that he is 90 years old? Are you guilty that he broke his cheek? Are you guilty that he is prone to anger? Are you God? Do you have the power to make him comfortable? Does he get happy and feel wonderful when you are around? Step back from the situation and consider what is best for him and what you can legitimately provide. Then go ahead and blame yourself a tiny tiny bit that you are unable to provide more. Because it sure would be nice if you could reduce his pain, and, therefore, make everyone feel better. Meanwhile, he's going to suffer and complain and blame everyone else for his misery. Maybe he did that his whole life. I think it sucks that your family sabotaged you and brought him back. If they did this without consulting you--then they own the situation. He's going to continue feeling miserable, and so is everyone else. Do you think he will eventually be returning to AL?
So what can I do what I have not tried yet in a 1000 variations? And at the same time remaining sane for my son and myself?
I am not willing to go down with them.
PS: Love your cat-example. It is exactly this, just not as cute!
some peoples idea of adult children especially girls are unpaid carers and are expected to drop everything and put their lives on hold.
All methods are ok.
If Dad is fighting on til the end, well, it is his nature.
My Mother will be the same. Fighting to control her domain to the very end.
I can respect that. It is her fight.
I do not need to be on the front line.
So she had wasted her time, been tricked into following his instructions, blamed, lambasted and had her character assassinated. Now her family thinks she should shrug this off and resume normal service.
It's all in the original post - how much more specific would you like her to be?
This is hard, hard personal work to do, but you owe it to yourself and your own nuclear family to do it.
hope your sunday is going well :) :).
i like the expression "can't-win" families.
i also like to use the expression "impossible" people - some people are really impossible (best to avoid them, when one can).
anyway...since you mention the word winning...
i have 2 quotes for us:
Don't play me, play the lotto. You have a better chance at winning.
---------
Below is a list of ways to win an argument with a woman:
After a week of radio silence two days ago my dad finally called and apologized. Considering his frail state and the possibility that he might not be alive when I return from my rehabilitation I had a long talk with him, not backing down on my newly found boundaries but still reconciling with him.
Told him I'll visit him and mother on sunday before my departure, but would not take up the old schedule anymore. He was happy, I was relieved, and I am able now to discover new terrain, with a lot of distance hopefully after I return.
I want to thank ALL of you for your kind and insightful support and want to reassure you that it is not lost. I won't return home before june, so "Time Is On My Side".
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=McOmcNwqprA
Did I mention that in my next life I'm going to be a female rock star?!? :))))))))))
Lots of love & thank you folks - You were of immense help to me!
CU back in summer,
Unkraut