I worry about Mom and I just want her comfortable; I need some advice.

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I worry about Mom and I just want her comfortable; I need some advice.

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Since my sister Lynnie age 49 died a little over 4 years ago suddenly by a heart attack caused by a undetected Pulmonary embolus, I’ve been dealing with grief raw and painful and taking care of Mom who has declined since my sister died. I just had to put her in Long Term Care which is horrible for me because I miss her at home so much but because of my declining health from Psoratic arthritis and working 12hour shifts as an RN. I couldn’t take care of her properly anymore. I felt like I gave my child up, for adoption. It’s very hard on me, she is barely able to adjust being there and begs me to take her home, and believe me, if I could I would. But I can’t do it physically anymore and work, and if I were to suddenly die or get critically ill she would have no one to care for her. Which was my biggest worry. But thank you all for helping me the past 4 years. I’m still struggling with grief and still in my mind my sister is alive. She was my best friend and we were RNs together at the same hospital...my heart is so broken I am lonely without her. She was my only help. I still have a dad alive and he doesn't live with me (whew ..dodged that bullet). But, he needs lots of care and I buy him groceries and take him to appointments. He’s another story for another day.
I do have one question for you all, my mom sits in the wheelchair all day at the nursing home. Since she’s been admitted they have had a horrible time getting her out of bed in the am. She fights and screams. She’s afraid... it’s all new to her. They now have psych nurses to talk to her and will be monitoring how she is approached getting out of bed in the am. The problem is till then I have asked to please get her a recliner so she can sleep if she wants, but it seems as if my requests are being ignored. How do I approach the subject over again without being demanding or mean? I worry about Mom and I just want her comfortable. I need some advice thank you...and lots of hugs for each of you.

Alzheimer's & Dementia Mobility Skilled Nursing Facility

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I had the same issue with my Mom and I feel so bad for you. the first nursing home seemed nice but I later found that they were over medicating her. I immediately moved her when I found this out, they would not stop!!! When we arrived at the new home it was so different. The old home had ordered her a wheel chair and it looked like some sort of torture device, high wooden back, you could tell it just look uncomfortable!!! When we got to the new home I was so shocked, with in a week they brought hospice in and Mom was supplied with wonderful equipment. A wheel chair that looked like a recliner. It was so comfortable, cushioned, very thick. It reclined back for her comfort. It was also very needed because Mom could no longer walk and there back ends start to break down and causes sores, I had no clue that would happen, I'm not sure if its because she was so small or if it just happens. I could not bring Mom home either, she could not walk or control her body functions. I feel so bad, I know she was frightened and it would hurt to see the look in her eyes, I don't think I will ever get that out of my mind. She would ask me to come home and I would tell her that I want to take you home but Mom you have to be able to walk, my house was not wheel chair accessible. I can't imagine what you are going through especially after loosing your sister. All I can do other than try to offer some kind words is to pray for you.

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I am sorry for the loss of your sister and having to put your mom into long term care. You are grieving the loss of your sister and the loss of not having your mom with you. I would suggest grief support for both losses. I grieved for my dad before he died. I didn't know about grief support until after my dad died at home with hospice. It has been one year since my dad and I am still in grief support.

I would ask to have a meeting and find what kind of chair would be safe for your mother. They should be able to help you and your mom.

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You should definitely arrange a meeting with the staff first. Then if they finally give the okay, purchase the recliner and have it delivered.

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I am retired nurse and I feel your pain. My brother died and I had mom by myself 41/2 years. I visited all nursing homes and made myself sick trying to keep her out and I did. I have heart stent and bad back, but understand not everyone can do it. My advice to you is to go to nursing supervisor and keep going ip chain of command until something is done. I have no liking for any of nursing homes here in south ga---- had mom in one for three days and brought her home.Keep complaining till something is done and I wish every family member would do the same! There is nothing too good
for our family and the elderly. Best of luck.

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Don't listen to Ditigalbanker that is not supportive or logical. It's not easy as go somewhere else or take the person home. You need to pick your battles and this doesn't feel like a battle. Alot of good info on chairs tks to all.

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My thoughts and prayers are with you as you grieve the loss of your sister, she sounds like a very special sister. I hope that the suggestions posted will give you direction on how to move in concerning your mom's comfort concerns. Please take time and seek out a Grief Share group that will allow you to grieve properly, ok.

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Before u buy anything check with the facility. Medicare and/or her supplimental may psy or partially pay for a better chair with Dr. order.
At Moms NH they provided a better chair for Mom. She did not do. well with a wheelchair, no support for her back. She was given a chair that looked like a beach chair with inch vinyl slats. It had a cushion that covered the inside. The seat could be slanted back to make it harder to get out of. She looked so much more comfortable and easier to scoot around in. Mom was kept in the activities room with other residents. I asked that she not be left alone in her room unless napping or down for the night.

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You pay them to take care of your loved one and it sounds to me like you're paying for something you're not getting so I would just quit paying the bill if it's coming from you. If they have a problem, just bring up what you told us here and why you're no longer paying the bill until what's wrong is properly resolved. Just explain that you're not paying the bill until this is resolved and just tell them what you told us hear how you keep asking and your requests are ignored and no one says anything. Pulling the purse strings is the best way to get someone's attention.

If push comes to shove, just move her to another nursing home or take her home, problem solved. When you enter these places, there's no guarantee they'll take the best care of you especially since not all of them or could anyway and most of them from what I noticed are understaffed. I don't know if you even did your homework before placing this patient, but it would be out good idea to do so. What I would do at least temporarily is bring the patient home until you can find another place that's more suitable

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There may be reasons why your mom prefers to stay in her room. Each person is so different. My mother prefers to stay in her room, which she shares with two others. What we did, even though initially it was discouraged, was bring all of her favorite art work in and put it on the walls. In fact, we put all of her favorite things in there for her to see all the time. Her section of the room is right as you walk in with curtains between the residents. We bought her a small recliner, hers is an Ekornes one but those are not for everyone...great for our mom however, and we placed it backed up to the curtain with her bed along the wall, a nice sized night stand between her recliner and the bed, and a small dresser opposite the chair on the other wall with her 32 inch tv on the wall above it. She can see all of her art, etc. from the chair and watches her tv from there as well, although she can tilt it when in bed too. Then we outfitted her with good, noise reducing wireless headphones. She feels as though she has her has her own suite and when she has those headphones on, it's like being in a home theater. That set up has made her transition to a nursing facility so much easier. Plus, if just one or two aides can bond with her and really show some loving care, your mom will adapt even easier. I love those quarterly meetings I have with the heads of the departments because we work on getting her out to certain activities, especially music ones, getting picked up to go get her nails done with other ladies, etc. My mom hasn't always been easy either and had to be put on an anti-anxiety med at one point, but she has adjusted really well as long as she gets regular visits. It's never quite enough for her, but I fill it in with phone calls when I have to. I have a twin sister that lives much closer to my mom but doesn't help that much. I try to encourage her but she has issues of her own she is dealing with. I feel so much for you about your sister but hope you know how fortunate you were to have someone that shared your mom's care. The only thing we can really count on in life is change. Blessings to you..

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Yes, you can request a high back, reclining wheelchair. My mom has one, though she doesn't recline often. You can also schedule an appointment with the director of physical therapy and occupational therapy, explain your situation, and ask for their help in finding a solution.

People at nursing homes can get very prickly/defensive. The best approach is to tell them you need their "help." It's also best to talk to the highest level person available. That's just the cleanest way to get things done, I have found.

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I see many good suggestions and wonder about their reasons for perhaps not providing a recliner. My experience is that it is very hard to get a person out of a recliner unless they have some muscle power. So your mother would have to be moved...pulled...or take two staff to get her to a wheelchair for meals, entertainment, change of scenery, activities. This may be harder on her body if getting out of bed causes pain as well. More questions about what causes her pain and why staff resist recliners from their experiences. How many changes a day cause her discomfort.

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My moms in a nursing home & they deep clean the rooms once a week. I would wonder on a recliner the fabric if it's a concern of hygiene. My mom had a lift chair also at home & loved it slept in it too. There isn't room inside her room for a recliner. At nursing home she uses wheelchair but isn't mobile by herself. Sitting around nurses station isn't bad some individuals need that extra watching. This also gets them out of there rooms different scenery & they can talk to others. It's just hard to see them like that. It's an adjustment on both individuals & takes time. It's been 10 months for us. Mom is safe & adjusting well. Facility is great. It's still hard for me for her to be there but again she is safe. Good luck to you a lot of good info from others.

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When my friend for whom I am POA needed a reclining wheel-chair, the memory care facility had one for her to use that was left by someone else who had died. Perhaps the nursing home would have one for you to use. My friend used it everyday until she became bedridden and in hospice care there. It is still in her memory care apartment with her husband, along with the regular wheel chair. I should remind the nurse in charge that it is now available for others to use. The husband can walk just fine, has no balance issues and is physically healthy. He just can't remember things anymore.
You have been under a lot of pressure trying to provide care AND working. My best to you on this path. I was lucky to find a superb AL/Memory Care facility that pays attention to the people living there, recording IN WRITING any changes they notice so the nurse in charge can monitor each person's condition. A doctor visits each memory care person once a month. Any questions I have about his condition can usually be answered by checking his records. They told me that once they are living in this place, they never have to leave. They provide care to the end, so no nursing homes are in the future. And after all I have read about the problems with them, I am relieved.

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Ask physical therapy department to order reclining wheelchair

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Ohmeowzer, I am so sorry for what you’re going through. A few years ago, I was taking care of my mom with dementia and my husband who contracted endocarditis. While he was in the hospital, my husband’s twin brother passed suddenly from a heart attack. Telling my husband about his brother was the most difficult thing I’ve ever had to do. I was terrified I’d lose him, too. Perhaps some grief counseling for you might help.

As for the chair, I found my husband’s on Amazon. I also purchased an upholstered lift chair for my mom and had it delivered right to her room. I donated it to the facility when she passed.

I’m sending you hugs and some peace in your life. A

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Before you place any orders you might want to talk to the people at the nursing home, I'm sure they have an opinion on what would work best for them and your mother.

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I feel your pain and grief, and I'm sorry for all you're going through. You're a great daughter, and your mom is so blessed to have you! Don't give in to her sadness and drama, but say something like, "your new home is so nice, and the staff seem so lovely. I know you're safe and warm here, so I sleep better at night!" Kind of cheer her along. Please make sure she is not sitting for too long every day,. If she cannot get up and walk, please make sure they are turning her or placing pressure reducing pillows under her to prevent bed sores. Also, make sure her ankles are elevated so she doesn't get those sores on her heels. When you visit, try to check her whole body for red marks, which can be signs of pressure sores starting. If she can walk at all with a walker or cane, she should be encouraged to do this at least several times a day. Good luck with everything, and hang in there. It will get better.

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I agree GranJan, that is why the tilt wheelchair is the correct solution for us. They use a lift to transfer her from bed to wheelchair, where she can be comfortable no matter if she is left in the lounge, dining room, hallway or her room. I've never seen anyone ever sit in the comfy looking recliners that belong to mom's roommate.
I've got to say the Geri chairs are as expensive as the wheelchairs, and even though they have wheels they are not really designed to be moved around much.
Grandma1954, several of the people at mom's nursing home have a Broda chair, they look very practical for institutional use.

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GranJan, my experience also, especially with Alzheimer patients still able to sit up; they shouldn't be left alone in their rooms for a great length of time. Where mom is, there are several nice big TV rooms with windows where they put them and can see them fine from the nursing stations. My mom's in a wheelchair for now with a good cushion but we did buy a nice recliner which is in her room and not being used just yet.

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There are reclining wheel chairs that would be good.
I/we also had a Geri Chair that was alright but not "the perfect chair". the Bariatric one was the size of a love seat and the regular one was too small.
Then we got a Broda Chair. Reclined, had sort of like wings on the sides to prevent my Husband from listing to one side or the other.
As you can see there are lots of options.
I would not do a regular recliner as that may be difficult to get her out of. The power lift chairs might be good but if she tries to get out of it herself there is a very real risk of falling once the chair reaches the maximum height it is easy to slide off the seat of the chair.

As a side note the reclining wheel chair or the Broda chair make re-positioning much easier all you have to do is change the recline a bit and that helps shift weight throughout the body. The Broda chair also has foot rests that are much more comfortable.
The size of the wheels makes it a bit difficult if you go out for a walk and are on an uneven surface. All 4 wheels are small.
A disadvantage to both the Broda and the Geri chairs is they are heavy and not meant to be easily loaded into a car to go out. But a reclining wheelchair is just as easy to maneuver as a traditional wheel chair.

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So a Geri chair would be best I’ve been pricing them and as soon as she’s mentally stable and goes back to the nursing home I’m gonna check with them and buy her one have it delivered there ...you are all amazing and I couldn’t of made it this far without you

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My experience with NHs is they don't want her to stay in her room. They want her lined up around the nurses station in her wheelchair so they can watch her from there.

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When both my grandmother and now my mom got to that stage where neither could move around without a wheelchair, our family decided to buy a lift-chair recliner of our choice. We chose the electronic type and purchased them through Spin Life - an online medical supply company. Their prices were reasonable and, if you contact the company directly, you can ask for models that are on sale or that they will consider discounting. The chairs were well worth the money because of quality and the extra added comfort features. The chairs that hospitals and nursing homes provide are uncomfortable, awkward, not typically easy to adjust and are shared among all the residents. We kept these chairs in the individual bedroom and they were used solely by my mom and grandmother. You really don’t want the institutional chair a typical nursing home will issue! After your mom can no longer use the lift chair, you can either sell it or donate it to the facility and use the donation as a tax write off.

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My mother loved everybody. She was that way. Even with LBD. She sat n a wheelchair all day, it looked so uncomfortable. So I bought her a back pad. She had a recliner at her house that should have been taken to the home but never was. She slept in that chair, and she lived in it. It didn't seem to bother her though. You should be able to bring a chair for your Mom. If it's heavy, that might be the only problem.

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yes you can buy a chair and have it delivered or if you have one at home you can take it to her. Remember the rooms have limited space so check with the NH first.

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You can also "take the bull by the horns", do your research, find a recliner or Geri chair (sounds like that would work better), then ask someone on staff who you need to make arrangements with to ensure that a home purchased (or Medicare furnished) chair can be brought into her room.

There might be a liability issue, so I'd be sure staff knows that the chair is being added to her room. We encountered that liability concern when we wanted to bring in our own walker, or wheelchair....it was over a decade ago and I don't remember for sure except that the staff balked at our bringing anything assistive device (except a grabber) into Mom's room.

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When she returns from the geropsych unit I will buy her a Geri chair for her

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This was/is a common sight at our local nursing homes and one of the reasons I opted to get my mom a tiltable wheelchair instead of a lift chair for use while she was still at home. My reasoning is that it is practical for the long term, can be modified/upgraded with specialized headrests, lateral supports and pressure relieving cushions, and as a necessary medical device the cost was subsidized.

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Are you bringing this up at a care meeting, and not just with the staff you see at the moment?

Are they proposing meds for agitation and anxiety? They helped my mom a lot!

I hope you get your answers, and that your mom can be made comfortable.

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So sorry for your struggles - is mom already on meds for anxiety ?

Mom still doesn't like certain people even her private caregivers so I'm not surprised your mom is having some issues with the Nh staff
Letting folks sit in wheelchairs all day is just awful especially when they lose some muscle and lean forward with their heads on the table or slide out of the chair altogether
I know you can find Geri recliners on line or perhaps a reclining wheelchair with elevated footrests - I just bought my mom one for about $320

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I worry about Mom and I just want her comfortable; I need some advice.

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