Many of you know my situation as I have posted here and your advice was so very valuable to me. However, my story is not over. I successfully placed my mom in an AL a little over a month ago after she was living with me for 15 months. I have tried to limit my conversations with her to allow her to get adjusted to her new home. It has not been easy. She calls every day. If I don't answer the phone she will call 10-15 times and leave escalating voicemails. She is always asking me for something. Like bringing her a Happy Meal or a Magnifying Glass or I need to look at something she got in the mail or a phone number or kleenex or clothing that I didn't take over there when I moved her in. You get my point. It's a never ending list of wants and needs.
Yesterday, I went to the AL while she was at a doctor's appointment. I brought a car load of supplies. All the clothing and shoes that were still at my house, cases of diet coke, diapers, wipes, bed pads, crackers, a coloring book with markers and the magnifying glass. While I was outside with my husband last night, I had 2 voicemails from my mom. No thank you's, no mention of the supplies I left for her. Just a nasty message that said "when am I going to bring her hangers, the ones in her closet that she paid for."
I guess what I am so ticked off about is my mother's money doesn't even cover her AL. I am having to subsidise that cost as well as all the "supplies" I have brought over to her prior to her move in and now the second load. She is so demanding and selfish, but always has been. I am tired of being used. My husband thinks I should tell her I'm done and block her calls. A part of me wants to do that. But then doing something like that is not who I am or in my nature.
The only piece of advice I can give you (other than to block her number and only un-block it an hour a day or so (and don’t listen to the voicemails)) is to NOT subsidize her financially. If she cannot afford her AL she will have to spend down her assets and eventually go on Medicare. You are already emotionally drained, please don’t spend your family’s money! I wish you the best (((hugs)))
PS. Unfortunately, she will never thank you.
Decide how many calls a day or week you will take from her. My suggestion is one call in the morning every other day.
When she demands you be her personal errand girl, be noncommittal: “I’ll check my schedule and see if I can do that at some point.”
Block her number except when you make one call every other day. I don’t think she will be able to leave voice mails. If she does leave voice mails, don’t listen to them and delete them once a day at night.
You do realize this is only happening as payback for you putting her in AL, right? She is trying to make it so bad for you that you will give up and take her back in.
Don’t play her games. From War Games: “the only way to win is to not play.”
If this isn’t in your nature, then fine. Stop complaining and let her kill you and bankrupt you. That is your choice.
If your mom can't afford it she will have to apply for Medicaid.
Then it's time to quit taking her calls. And tell her she is NOT to call you but once a day if that, and if she calls more than that you WILL be blocking her until further notice.
It's time for you to take the reigns in this situation and quit letting mom rule over your life.
And I would let her know that you'll just be coming by once a week as you have a life with your husband and he and your immediate family come first.
As long as you keep responding to her ongoing demands, she will continue demanding. It's a vicious cycle, so just STOP already!!!
Meanwhile you are enabling your Mom by bringing a car load of things, so I can't imagine why she would EVER change her behavior. It's working so well for her. All she has to do is escalate her calling; it works and she's little else to do with her time.
I believe that change is very difficult. We get into habitual ways of acting. I can only recommend a good psychologist or licensed social worker who specializes in therapy and is specially trained and in private practice. I specify "good one" because I mean one that will not sit and listen over and over while counting your money, but one who will shake your world so hard the old habits will begin to fall away.
I truly wish you the best. You have made a big step. I believe you can continue this walk down the road less traveled.
That is the best advice I have heard in a LONG time.
She's now in a place where she can find others to do her bidding. There are people who run errands for pay. Or at least that was true in my mom's assisted living. She doesn't need you but she wants to control you, and that's what she's all about. Also, the idea about not doing personal deliveries is a great one. Amazon can get things to my house the next day or even earlier. That should be true at mom's new place, and you don't need to be running at mom's beck and call.
Good luck as you establish independence from mom.
Is Mom receiving Medicaid for health? If so, check and see if Depends are paid for.
The phone calls, tell Mom not to call you, you will call her. Make sure u take her those hangers 😊 then tell her other than Depends and neccessities, because she is so nasty and you never get a thank you, you will not be bringing her anymore "treats". She gets 3 meals a day and probably snacks. Just have to eat them. She now has everything from your house, so no need to call u. The AL should have a van for appts, let them take her. Or, the Office of Aging bus. Other than Depends, tissues, let paper, and toiletries, she has everything she needs. And all that stuff you can order on-line and have it sent to her.
I would take a vacation from her. Fib and tell her your leaving town and won't be available. Your phone will be shut down. Have no idea when you'll be back. Inform the facility too.
Your Mom needs you more than you need her. Treat her like the spoiled child she is acting like. Old Age does not give u a free ticket to treat people like ur Mom does. So, you need to lay down the law, your not taking it anymore. And if she wants u to help, then she has to stop being demanding and tell her please and thank you go a long way.
Even with Dementia my Mom said please and thank you. Your Mom has to realize u attract more bees with honey than vinegar. She will get more from the staff if she is pleasant. Her life is what it is and she needs to except that.
It never fails these women marry men who let them run rampant and give them everything. Some of these husbands literally work themselves to death for them.
These women were not ever told to sit down and shut up. Never told "no". And when they see they will not get what they want, when they want it, they make everyone's lives hell.
Congrats 🍾 on getting your mother placed. That’s great news!
I know that you aren’t surprised by her behavior. People rarely change their core personalities.
She’s in a safe place, out of your hair, and no longer under foot. This is your time now!
Nothing you say to her will phase her. Nothing you do for her will cause her to approve of your efforts to satisfy her desires. So, don’t bother trying.
You know that she would like to have you jumping through hoops and doing backflips as long as she can.
She’s out of luck because it sounds like you’re not willing to perform any acrobatic acts for her. Good for you!
Wishing you all the best.
All these requests are just her way of making you come and visit. Her trying to excerpt control.
My mom did the same until I set up some boundaries. I scheduled a day & time each week to visit, do a few chores or whatever. Often we would just sit outside. If she was in a mood or hateful I would leave. Thankfully I never had to buy her extra items. She did the same with phone calls and I let her leave a message. If the issue was urgent I would immediately call back. If you do not make changes for yourself she will only get worse.
You could block her calls on occasion. AL will contact you if there is an emergency.
Put her on a budget if you need to buy extra items. Otherwise the $$ spent may get to be excessive. Tell her your $$ is paying her rent there.
Yes, she has dementia. But on top of that she has only cared about herself for her whole life. She only cares about me when there is something in it for her.
She is likely scared, lonely, angry, frustrated and fill in 10 more things. You are a convenient punching bag, a "go for" gal, the sherpa: aka her outlet for all her unresolved emotions, needs, wants, etc. There will be no appreciation, no thank you, no good enough, no "good job" that will come. Folks high in narcissist personality (this type of behavior) have groomed you to be their puppet: keeping you in a never ending effort to be good enough, to be the good daughter to "make them happy." Sadly, this is Sisyphean (a task that will never be completed). Happiness comes from within, not from the outside. Making her happy is NOT your responsibility, not your job.
Working through boundaries of what you will do and accept and those you will NOT, is key here for your mental health and recovery. You can explain it to her and/or write it out in a forward oriented letter (less is better), hopefully without anger -- just the facts -- such as "I am happy to have dropped off the items you asked for. Moving forward I will drop off requested items -- within reason -- once a month, during the first week of the month." This tells her, NO you are NOT jumping each time she calls to bring this or that AND there is a time window that YOU are setting moving forward, period.
Set limits now or you'll be at her endless and unending calls. Do not spend your own funds, the "within reason" means -- explain it -- that given the expenses and her resources her monthly budget for new items is X, maybe $20 dollars depending on the funds. She has to get used to a budget, just like a teenager cannot have endless $ to spend and buy things, she too now needs to be reigned in on spending least you deplete all your funds and that is NOT a good idea. If at some point she needs Medicaid, long term care nursing home coverage then spending her down and keeping the total assets low is best. If you are paying for AL, you might want to work out your own budget such as do it for 1 year and revisit. Adult children are NOT responsible to pay for their parents care, period.
On the endless calls, you can block her and the call will go to voice mail and you can listen when you want, perhaps a few days out before the once a month drop off of "supplies." Otherwise, ignore it. If there is a true emergency the AL staff will call you. Explain to her -- send a note too, and suggest she review with the AL staff -- that she can leave as many messages as she wants, but you will only listen maybe every other week (again set a boundary/limit) to see if something within reason has been requested for the monthly drop off of supplies. And stick to a schedule of listening and doing the drop off.
Yes she will be unhappy, but she has to learn a new way of behaving/interacting and so do you via boundaries and limits. Just like if you had a two year old child demanding candy for dinner, as the grown up you have to say NO, no matter how much they melt down/tantrum. Work on setting boundaries/limits, explain/write it out to her in simple terms, share with the AL staff (trust me they have seen it all) and get on with your recovery!
I had to do this w/my mom (86 and in a SNF now for almost 3 years). The raging outburst were awful the first year in the SNF. I am had to go "no contact" the second year, but I do drop off a "goodie bag" for her to the SNF once a month with the "Medicaid cost of care contribution check" from her SSA and pension funds. I send a note each month with the goodie bag, brief, hope you are well. Will send her a birthday and/or holiday cards. I have not seen or spoken to her in 2 years and I am working on my healing (lots in my profile about my experience).
Sorry you are dealing with this, hugs. Hope you can work on some boundaries and healing. A therapist could be of great help.
Adult children are NOT responsible to pay for their parents care, period.
I have recently learned that, in some states, they are. It’s called Filial Responsibility.
It’s dictated on a statewide level. Not all states have it. For example, in North Carolina, the statute 14-326.1 titled "Parents; failure to support" makes it clear that if you are of "full age" with "sufficient income after reasonably providing for his or her own immediate family" and you leave one of your disenfranchised family members out to dry, there will be consequences. It's a Class 2 misdemeanor, but if it continues, it's a Class 1 misdemeanor.
This applies when the parents) are "sick or not about to work and have not sufficient means or ability to maintain or support themselves.
For your own mental wellness you are just going to have to make reasonable limits and stick to them. Make sure she understands that you mean it and that you will not be swayed. Period. Isn’t easy or pleasant but you have a right to your own peace of mind and your own life…. Hopefully and prayerfully she will adjust. If not, it’s not your fault or your responsibility to live your life according to her terms.
Balance….
You know the answer. Your husband is right. When people do not treat you well, and they have persisted in treating you poorly for a long time, they are not going to change. Tell her plainly that you are not going to take her calls unless she is pleasant to you and treats you with respect. Then stop taking her calls unless she changes.
I know this will be hard but what you are doing now is hard and it is not working.
Good luck. You deserve to be treated with respect.
Put yourself in her situation. How would you feel to be just dumped somewhere and then blocked? The way people treat our elderly is really horrible to me! They are family and consider how you would feel if your family would treat you in such a way when you grow old.
It is wonderful that you have been helping her, but she is not being selfish for wanting you in her life.
How about some information about your own experience and where you are coming from.
Graciekelli, I don't have the perfect answer for you and your situation. Some say your mom may have to apply for Medicaid. Laws vary from State to State. Look carefully before you jump into that. In most States I believe that if you sell assets within 5 years of applying, it is illegal to "hide" assets. I do have some advice: call Legal Shield. For $29.95/mo you get access to a lawyer who will answer all of your questions on any subject as often as you want. They set you up with a local lawyer and I have found them invaluable. More importantly, Pray and ask God for direction. He has never failed me altho He is the latest, on time God and the place found for my dad is truly an answer to prayer. My dad called me at least twice a day telling me he was leaving there and coming home and for me to come get him. I finally told him that where he is let's him live very well, that he has food, laundry done, entertainment and everything he needs for a pretty good life as when he was here as all he did was to sit around and watch TV and waited for me to do all of the other stuff he is getting there. As a veteran, it only costs him $300/mo. I know that option isn't there for your mom but it is only one example of what God can do. I believe you know what you need to do so take your own advice but also hear what others say. Pray and watch God fix this in an amazing way that you will be surprised by. Your mom has many attributes as well. She raised a pretty great daughter that is concerned for the well being of others. That's a good thing.
Graciekelli, You will be OK, you will be OK, YOU WILL BE OKAY.
Making it seem like because he did the basic human requirement of feeding, clothing and being there for you makes it OK that he is mentally abusive is just a version of parent induced Stockholm Syndrome.
The fact that family members saw what was going on and intervened on your behalf is awesome. Mainly because most family will just turn a blind eye and ignore abuse and out of control behavior by family members.
Be thankful your dad is in a facility getting the care he needs and now you can focus on yourself and your own physical and mental health.
I would like you to consider getting Dad to provide a companion for her through Care.com or Visiting Angels and to connect Mom with the Activities Director to invite her to get involved. I don't "follow" people, so I don't know your experiences, but I'd guess that you're over due for a vacation.
Please take that vacation and figure out your limits for the sake of setting healthy boundaries. An appointment with a Geriatric Psychologist would benefit this situation and give you insight into Geriatric Behaviors and how to cope with them without canceling your mother.
Has Mom applied for Medicaid or can Dad afford to foot her bills? (no need to answer these questions, just wanted to throw ideas out there). Found this article that may have different perspectives on the situation yourself in. (copy and paste) https://www.caregiver.org/resource/caregivers-guide-understanding-dementia-behaviors/
Best wishes to you and hope you find love in your heart for someone who irritates you to no end..........perhaps call a truce (and/or companion)?
Guilting the OP is not helpful. Nor is it the same situation.
It's been my observation that residents with no family coming in to see them go through neglect. This is because the staff in nursing homes can get away with it.
She's the worst! Spoiled, self-centered, demanding and manipulative. I am actually surprised that she hasn't gotten herself kicked out of the AL yet. She actually tells me that she hopes she does get kicked out. I said "that will be sad, cause you'll not be coming here and you'll have one where else to go." She said she'll live on the streets. I said then why wait? Why don't you pack your suitcase and leave now. The streets always have vacancies."
Magnifying glass? Hangers? Whatever item de jour...
HOW important is it, really? On a scale of Life Threatening down to just Nice to Have.
Sort into: Need - Want - Whim
Sure. I will bring that.
Or sure, I will bring that NEXT VISIT. Or that can go on the list for later.
Demands for such items NOW could be attention/memory problems, an obsessional loop or a power play - she aims to feels powerful when demanding.
If you mumble yeah, nah, later, what is she going to do about that? Call until her fingers are sore? It must be very frustrating for her to be so dependant. Sigh.
She is controlling you and you need to take hold of the situation and tell mom what time it is..... Inform her that you are not on call. Tell her to make a list of things she needs and you can make runs once a week on this particular day/time.
Meet with the AL activities director and let her know that your mom is killing you with phone calls and errands and she needs to be kept busy and she needs to make some friends. Ask if they can make an extra effort to get your mom involved in things. Ask if they can pair her up with other ladies for lunch, etc.
If she continues with the excessive phone calls and demands, block her calls during certain hours. The facility will get a hold of you if something is truly going on.
like to be treated?