Mom fell recently and recovered after an ER visit. She looks better but is now depressed. My mental and physical health is at stake if I continue to be a 'caretaker'. Her medical follow up is a routine blood lab at this point. She is refusing routine medical care she says. This is where I draw the line. So I just sent a message of 'notice' to family members regarding my mother and her future care. I told family in the message that if she were to fall in the future and require rehab, that if she needed further 24/7 care at home I would no longer be able to provide that level of care and she would more likely have to be placed in long term care or assisted living. For the past seven years, I've been a family care-er, for a sister who fell ill, long distance for an aunt, and at home for my mother, all while having a teenager whom I feel has been deprived of my attention and resources. I've tried to manage caregivers, recruit family and friends in tasks and sometimes it's been successful but mostly the colossal load of grunt work has fallen on me.
Just in the past year, I can feel my own aches and pains and have neglected routine medical appointments. I've paid to have help come in, but each have moved on, and the process of finding someone begins again. Family and friends visit when they want but on their terms and never to formally relieve me which bugs me - I've been clear I needed time. It turns out for family members visiting I have to present as well to entertain or facilitate the visit. It gets tiring or I find myself annoyed at gratuitous offers of advice. When I have listen to what other's feel is needed in the current circumstance, I find myself cutting the conversation short and probably come off as rude. Everyone has their comfort level and capacity limits and I am learning to be more accepting, I've been fortunate that my own support system: a caregiver group, reading this forum, friends that regularly walk with me, and a long distance sort of relationship have been a lifeline.
I think I have to draw the line to save myself if there is to be a me and draw the limit of obligation. My sister and my aunt were acute cases where there was no time to process their situation fully and instinctively I cleared everything to be available, whereas my mother has declined with age and I've been here over the past five years increasingly full-time. I know mom's wish is to remain at home until her death. If there were support, maybe would be possible, maybe not. I just know now I need my home and my peace of mind and to pay attention to my son.
Decide what you think is best for the future. Then send out an email (better still, posted letters) saying that this is your proposal. If they can think of a better alternative that doesn’t involve you, it would be great. If they have good suggestions, they will need to take responsibility for them, because your health is failing. You would like them to write back to you with their suggestions, as conversations are very tiring for you and you have already set out what you think is best. Include a list of everyone the letter goes to, and say that it would be helpful if all the people on the list could discuss it between themselves. Give them a fortnight to reply, then just do it!
You have enough problems on your shoulders without having to be head of family United Nations. Sympathy and best wishes, Margaret
An update: a few days ago I got the cold/flu and could barely move from the couch. I asked a friend to bring cold medicine and at my doorstep my friend not only left cold meds but soup and fruit as well. I couldn't have been more thankful. This allowed me to function and at least heat up food I prepared earlier for the week for my mother and supervise her routines. Mom too developed a high fever which is a concern warranting her doctor's office recommendation to go to ER. (The last ER visit spanned 12 hours, with a 96 yr old ). The home health nurse was scheduled the next day, so I thought she would be able to take vitals and assess urgency. Well, the nurse cancelled. In the middle of the night, I woke thinking that I would find a substitute home health company. The rescheduling of a visit when I needed and without a substitute wasn't acceptable. I had to prepare myself to take mom into ER again. Alas first thing in the morning, I got a call of a substitute nurse able to visit. Again, I couldn't have been more thankful. This nurse was so kind and patient, it was the best medicine for my mother. Her fever broke and she visibly looked better with the nurse's visit. I too felt better. As the nurse was leaving, mom's long time church friend and gardener dropped by to visit with her children. Lovely family. I happen to mention that I was looking for more supervision for mom, and mom's friend said she could be available now that her kids are older. I couldn't have been again more thankful at taking her up on this opportunity even for the short-term.
Earlier, I sent a message to family members about mom's fever and possible ER visit again. I got responses of "please update us". I thought I'd push it and further asked if anyone was willing to do a load of laundry and take out the garbage. I said nothing of how I was sick earlier in the week. I got responses that they had their own laundry and garbage to take out and take care of their own. There it is. The unwilling.