My whole life it has been about owing her for having me and such guilt trips. Only through the posts I have read on here, have I been able to put a label on the problem as narcissistic. This is only getting worse with her dementia. I am an only child with a half-brother, who refuses to have anything to do with her anymore. And a half-sister, whom after 20 years of not speaking to us, has decided to talk to me again. After we started talking did my sis decided that she has left the burden on my shoulders much too long. I didn't blame her for living her life and getting away when she could, I would have been better off if I had taken her advice and done the same. However, I was 20 yrs younger than her & didn't believe the things she told me about my mom could be true. (That she was crazy and only cared about herself). Now I am not sure about my sis's motives and she lives 2000 miles away, but she talks to mom which does help. Last time mom didn't get her way when I took her shopping for 3 hrs in walmart and she wanted to go 2 more places, and I said I had to get home, she started cursing me. I told her that she always does this to me, nice while she is getting her way and then she turns on me. She then informed me that I hadn't seen anything yet!! All the way home she kept yelling at me and telling me to let her out of the van. She was cursing me and even started kicking me while I was driving her home. (This is not the first time she had been physical w me). However, much to my surprise she called my over-the-road truck driving husband, and said I had hit her and kicked her while driving her home from town! Also, that I had tried to force her out of the van and I was parked right on the edge of a cliff! Thank God my husband realizes how my mother tries to control me and he informed me he knew I wouldn't do those things. Unfortunately, I refused to be alone w her and she managed to take the local transit to her doctor's office. The doctor, of course is a mandatory reporter, and my loving mother told him the same horrible story that she told my husband! And of course, I was investigated and it was unfounded, but the damage she has done to me and my name never ends! I forgot to mention that she turned me in for financial abuse at the same time. Mom's doctor who will not admit on paper that there is anything wrong with her. Instead said, maybe the person investigating this could get the ball rolling towards getting some help for her. Why can't he...he is her physician?! And I have had conversations with him and wrote a letter to him explaining her behaviors, my concerns and asked for some guidance or help! All he said is that she should definitely not handle her own finances and that he knew I didn't do those things to my mom. He sees how I am with her when I bring her to doctor appts, but he had to report it. So, I once again gave her checkbook and bills back to her since she insisted that I was stealing from her and that she could take care of her finances. I told her if she gets everything messed up and is about to get electricity shut off for non-payment, etc. like she has done before, not to ask me to help. She informed me that would not be a problem, at least she would have money now. Nine months later she was begging me to take over her finances once again. She told me that she shouldn't be taking care of anything as messed up as her mind was and that I knew that. She couldn't understand why I wouldn't pay her bills for her, I knew her health wasn't good and she couldn't do it! So, being the good daughter I am, I reluctantly took over again with stipulations this time...no more accusing me of stealing, no more insisting I will not let her have any of her money and the first time she did this, I would be done! She agreed.....and now, she tells my husband that she doesn't have the 500.00 left over every month like she did when she pd her bills and doesn't know where her money is going. My husband tells her that I am only paying her bills with her money and that the money is in her account. She recently told him that I am the only one using that account and anything she needs, she pays for with cash. I can't help but feel she is setting me up for something! We can not get along and she called me a M*#$@r F*%#&r the other day when I confronted her about be untruthful. I will not put up w that and haven't been having anything to do with her. So, now she informed my husband that if I can't talk to her, then we will be enemies! Personally that is fine, I finally realize after years of physical/mental abuse, that she has done more damage by telling anybody that will listen, how I steal her money, abuse her, took her drivers license away so she can't see anyone or go anywhere, than my enemies have ever done! What can I do with my 85 yr old mother that blames every problem on me & makes me feel as if she hates me? Thanks for your time & sorry I rambled on.
Next week is the soonest that someone from the facility can meet w mom. I haven't let her know yet, but intend to as soon as my courage is built up (today). I am not sure that I made a good decision when I didn't stick to my guns. I also haven't heard a word from my so-called sister, since I let her know that I was done and it was her turn!
Pray for me & hubby......til later....thanks again, I would not feel this strong without all of you!!
So, after speaking to the lawyer, are you able (and going to) revoke your POA?
Don't count on your sister to do anything. Her 20 year absence speaks volumes.
If your mother wants to go to a nursing home, let her go. If she's not happy there REFUSE to let back on your property. Find another facility ASAP.
The library in my area has a Senior Living and Services booklet behind the counter at the front desk. There are many options for senior living.
The less you have to do with this woman, the better. Don't give in to guilt! You'll only be hurting yourself.
Everyone here has given such good advice, so I am going to give you another viewpoint to think about. I'm sure it may have, but did it occur to you that your mother is insanely jealous of your relationship with your husband? The way she said you could sh** and he'd still make excuses, I bet that's what she would love to have. Especially since she is clearly the type who hates to be alone. Just an observation, so every time she yells at you, you can possibly have some insight into where that's coming from. Though it's not at the point you are with your mother (her lying on you to authorities and such), I have the same type of narcissistic problems with mine. Right now, it's quiet because she has her own mate to be there for her. But God forbid if he has to leave, because he lives many states away. I agree with the others to release your POA no matter what anyone's saying. It's easy to decide about it in your mind, but harder when other entities come into play and they will sway you in directions you didn't plan. Things will become hazy at this point and it's hard to stay focused on your goal. That's what can keep us caught up very easily. But just remember; if you do relinquish the POA part, you won't have to deal with the legality parts, only the personal parts of being her daughter. And this way, you can control the outcome of how far you'll go with her. "God" luck to you. You sound like a wonderful person and you have done all you could do!
When we told her about going to the nursing home she denied saying that I wanted to hurt her, that she was scared of me or saying that I was stealing her money. I told her my children even told me the same things and she sd to prove it. Luckily my son walked in and he confirmed what I had said. She still denied. Then she stated that she just wanted me to come and just say "hi" to her once in a while. I told her I try to but we just argue. Hubby then sd I couldn't go around her alone because of her telling the sheriff that I threatened her and she was scared of me. He sd he wouldn't let me risk it happening again!When we went to leave I was upset and she demanded that my son hug her and then yelled at me to kiss her good-bye. That is her "thing" that makes everything ok in her mind. Of course I didn't.
So I took her a few groceries the other day and she started in on me and about not knowing we were "trying to put her in a home"! I reminded her that was what we talked about the other night. We had a few words and I asked her what she wanted? Bottom-line, what she wanted to do and if she truly believed that I threatened to hurt her? She sd if we waited 1 month we wouldn't need to worry about it because she didn't think she was going to last much longer. (She says that at least 3xs a week). And yes, she knows Ii threatened her. I told her I would not ever say or do that, then told her I was done w everything. She told me I needed to take a breath because my face was turning red. I left.
When I got home my left arm, chest and neck started hurting/burning worse than ever. I know if I don't do something she will be the death of me or dang close to it! So, I am still hurting whenever mom gets brought up in conversation or when I talk about her. I blocked her number so that I could have some peace.
So... I am still confused. Still want to get something done to help her. Still want to resign as POA. Oh, and still haven't heard a word from my sis after telling her that mom was all hers-doesn't surprise me, I guess.
Thanks again everyone, your advice and shared thoughts keep me going! I will post as things develop-hugs!
Your mom isn't going to change - she's been hurtful and jealous of you your whole life. She is never going to agree to "behave" and stick to her agreements. She is never going to admit to treating you horribly and be consistent in that admission. She is never going to be a loving, mentally healthy mom. You need to get away from her permanently. She's NOT a loving mom and she never will be. That's hard to accept, I know, but if you don't, you're going to be hurt (mentally and now you have physical symptoms) over again and again. She will succeed in killing you if you continue to be her whipping boy.
Resign your POA, notify everyone in writing that you are done with her, walk away and don't look back. Let your other siblings help her or let the state help her. You need to live a happy life with your loving husband and your children. Get counseling if this is too difficult to implement on your own. Please let her go for your own sake! You are a good person and you deserve to be at peace!
You are a good person and you deserve to be at peace!
Your mother's attorney represents HER best interests, not yours. He has acted in her best interest by not helping you resign. Seriously, you need to resign, to stop trying to help. Her problem is beyond your ability. She needs a professional care facility, and she needs to be determined to be incompetent. Allow the state to take over her care so that she can't argue with anyone about what has or has not happened. My own mthr was narcissistic, and I completely understand how hard this is.
My prayers are with you for strength to disconnect.
and to care how others feel. (However that happened I don't know). I realize she can't change, I have for a few yrs now, I just can't accept it I guess. I have always laughed and sd that I wouldn't have any peace until she was gone, if she didn't out live me! It isn't a joke anymore but hard to walk away. I look out the window and look at her house right behind me. Her attorney definitely only wants to share financial POA and not medical. He made that perfectly clear!
Thanks you guys. I pray for guidance and strength all the time. Til the next round.....
Yes, when despite or because of (only God knows) we grow up to be caring, compassionate, helpful, living, generous and ... adults, from parents that truly did not set that example to live by, it is the hardest thing in the world to say enough, I refuse to continue to let you take me places I would never go. My parents want to use me as the good, loving, helpful...daughter they raised (in their dreams) but still kick me in the heart, teeth, belly etc as they have always done. No way. I do help them but, on my terms. My dad just got told yesterday that all of his lies and manipulating has pushed me to the edge, he has 2 choices 1) I walk away and he becomes a ward of the state. 2) he stops pulling crap that he thinks will force my hand and get him what he wants or we go to #1. He was like, oh no kick me or yell at me when I'm doing that and I'll stop, really dad, it has taken 9 months of me telling, begging pleading, crying (never kicking, never) to get to option 1. You are not putting your actions in my lap, period! I'm thinking I will be walking away soon, the Obudsman told me that my dad can do whatever he wants and I have no say, okay good, cuz that is a 2 way street. He doesn't care what it costs me as long as he gets his own way. I am not willing to give him my very life's breath. I have spent 1000s of dollars on medical, because I was so stressed, I thought I was having heart attacks. Please withdraw before something happens.
Have you and your husband (or her attorney) ever considered recording all your conversations with your mother? I think as long as you inform her that you will be recording all conversations and phone calls that it would be perfectly legal. And always have your recording device visible and state that you are recording on the phone so that she can't claim you secretly recorded her...
Begin with a conversation explaining to her that you will be recording conversations (record this while you tell her). Then inform her that you are doing this because she has fallsly acused you of mistreating her on numerous occasions so you will be recording all your interactions from that point forward.
Then you will either have proof to share with doctors and law enforcement of how truly mentaly disturbed she is, or she will behave herself!
You are completely correct and/or designation means one or the other or both. You can do things without consulting the att y.
Sorry, L.P. I still think you need to stay away before her hatefulness causes you to have huge medical problem. I know how hard it is, it's your mom but, she has gone beyond beyond and you can not offer yourself as a sacrifice to her sociopath behavior any longer.
Your mother obviously does not trust you to be a decent POA. You are on there in name only with the atty keeping tabs on your actions in order to sue you for breach of fiduciary duty if you do anything without consulting him. Nope. Resign.
I know you all are telling me wo prej. what I need to do & I appreciate that. I just feel so horrible and guilty, and I know that is what I have been trained to feel all my life (like a lab rat). I always try to see the good in people (like the atty.) and it usually bites me in the behind.
If I was hearing this story from someone else, I would tell them to grow a pair and do what they need to do before it is too late! I guess I need to grow a pair!
In this instance, it's for your own protection. Stop feeling guilty. She certainly doesn't for how she treats you. It will never get any better.
If it is industry practice to take a %age of the estate/net worth for overseeing as POA, it's not even you seeing evil. The financial arrangement was undoubtedly made by mother, who is not the best decision maker out there. You just don't even need to participate. The attorney is going to get paid as he and mom agreed; he can earn it instead of giving you headaches.
It's so frustrating to figure out how to show respect for a parent who does not act in a respectable way! I keep trying to remind myself of what things are not my responsibility...
I've been considering seeing a counselor/ therapist to specifically talk about how I can deal with the family dynamics.
I hope you can get some help figuring out how to deal with your extremely difficult circumstance.
My heart goes out to you as well. Hugs to you and I am sure therapy would do us both some good. I don't think it could do any harm in my case,lol. Good luck to you, I wish you peace and guidance with your dad.
SECONDLY You have done your very very best for such a long time. Be proud of that!!! What ever she says, you KNOW you have!!
THIRDLY Look after yourself, your husband, children and grand children (should this have been first? May be)
Get all the paper work done legally. and resign anything (contracts etc. ) that you may have with her or her legal representative.
Hand her over to the state. Make sure the hospital and sheriff are also aware.
WALK AWAY!!! And yes I am shouting this at YOU!!!
You have reached the end of your tether, let go.
I send you love and hugs for all of your family and you :)
Buzzy
Read it.
ACT ON IT!!
MOVE ON (and totally out of the situation) Look after you and yours.
Never mind the cunning, not so silly, nasty old fool. He has cooked his last goose at your expense.
Love and hugs
Now stop reading this and get it SORTED!!! NOW!!! :)
We are not promised tomorrow! Do you really want to take the chance that you wasted your last day dealing with this over the top
narcissistic woman? She is obviously cunning and conniving to be able to go to court and be deemed competent? I think there is no end to how much trouble she can cause you!!!
Relinquish the POA!!!