I'm 17 and expected to take care of my dying grandmother. Am I being selfish if I feel like I shouldn't care for her alone?

Are you truly alone at all times? I had to help take care of grandmother in wheelchair (stroke) from age 15-22. My mother and caregivers mom hired took care of her too. I did not like it at all. I felt resentfulness and sometimes still do. You are obviously more mature than I was at 17 cos I would have never thot to ask anyone about it. Hence, I still get resentful over certain things. I felt mom was making me grow up too soon plus putting me in situations I wouldnt have chosen...like the caregiver who moved in w. us and felt she had to get involved in my life way too much...leaving me notes on everything...packing up my things and putting them on porch (like..."move") lecturing me, leaving bible verses etc accusing me of witchcraft and on and on. The caregiver also got involved with my closest male friend. None of the weird situations would have occurred had we not taken in grandmother. When all were out of town and it was just me and grandmother I always felt worthless as I could never measure up to moms standards of what she did when she was there. ..sleeping w grandmother, changing sheets four times a night...food preps...meds...helping her in and out of chair...constant bathroom breaks...doctoring of diabetic sores etc...too much for a 15-22 yr old ...then the worst was when she died in livingroom and mom in denial so I had to deal w 911, paramedics and making decision for them to try to resuscitate or not even tho she was clearly dead but my mom wouldnt accept so I made decision to try as I felt it would be best for mom to prove she had really passed. My chest is hurting and breathing labored thinking back as it all was nottttt a pretty sight. Id hate you to have to go thru any of it...but what can you do? Im just warning on the long haul as this stuff really affected me...like mom telling everyone how emotionally mentally physically exhausted she was for eight yrs and my teenage friends would say..."then why do it" but for me it felt a guilt trip...ie; why aint I helping more? Grandmother had lots wrong w. her and I felt ostracized by much...friends werent thrilled all the time. I felt I had to grow up quicker, get away immediately at 18. Even if I wasnt out of school. Mom even today will say that instead of her siblings taking grandmother, she did it cos they all had families. What was I? People always look strange at us about that. ...and she wonders why people wonder if we are related. Well...I have got off topic. Hopefully you will write again. I may be the older version of you. Id hate for you to feel years down the road the way I feel about that time of my life. Sending you love and hugs x

do you go to school ??did you have to drop out b/c of this ..that is not right this will something you will pay for the rest of your life if you do not get the education you need you get back in school & tell all your family members if you have to !!!!! if you do not get a good education IT WILL BE HARD ON YOU !!!!! .UNLESS YOU ARE HOT & GET MARRIED TO A MILLIONAIRE BUT I DONT THINK SO SO GET EDUCATED YOU HEAR !!!!! IF YOU ARE IN SCHOOL & DO GOOD & SWING THE CARE GIVING THEN ID SAY MABE ..ALSO YOU HAVE THE FAMILY FOR REFERENCE FOR JOBS SINCE YOU DO THIS !!!!!!!!!!!!

kellse, you're right. I recall a very similar post just recently.

A 17 year old should not be a primary caregiver. It is hard enough being an adult and a caregiver but there are many children who are caregivers.

A large number of children and adolescents are caregivers. They are truly the invisible caregivers. Nationwide, there are approximately 1.3 to 1.4 million child caregivers who are between the ages of 8 and 18. Most of them are not the primary caregiver. Hardly anyone thinks about children when they talk about caregivers. A lot of the children don't realize that they are caregivers. I was one of them. I helped my parents take care of my sick brother. My mother did most of the work but the entire family helped out. I needed to sleep in my brother's room to make sure he didn't stop breathing in the middle of the night. I never felt like I was abused. I just did it to help my family. I didn't know that other children were also helping their families. I wish someone thought about me when I was a child. 

Search AgingCare for youth caregivers. 

https://www.agingcare.com/articles/13-year-old-caregiver-essay-174237.htm

https://www.agingcare.com/articles/you-dont-know-what-you-dont-know-166638.htm

I doubt if your mother and sister mean care for her full time on a permanent basis, they might be talking about caring for her once in awhile with assistance from others. Do you ever care for her or help anyone else who's caring for her? Taking care of someone who's suffering with cancer is difficult, one person it doesn't matter how old shouldn't have the responsibility. If that's what your mother and sister are implying I don't blame you and completely disagree with them. The burden is far too extreme for someone as young as you.

No.

You are 17 and shouldn't be doing any hands on care giving, period. If all you can do is sit with her for an hour or two a day, do it but refuse to do hands on care giving. You are not selfish to want to have a life and it's okay to feel freaked out about your grandma dying and you've never experienced death close up and personal. What exactly are your mother and your sister doing to help out? How old is your sister? I would talk to your guidence consller and see what they can do. If they are no help, talk to social services and make them get involved. Since you are not a legal adult in the eyes of the law, you can't exactly tell your mother to pound sand and leave without reprocussions.

I feel like I have read this post/question before

Labs, another clue to this kind of baiting is when the original poster doesn't return to interact and respond to suggestions. And note that the questions are usually toward the inflammatory side of inquiry, something to get other people's attention and worked up enough to respond with passion.

One of the clues I missed is that the OP's profile states that GM is in independent living, her post states that GM is dying of cancer and "she can't even walk.
Can't walk, but she's still in IL? Hmmmmm...

I missed this when I first posted; otherwise I wouldn't have.

Sometimes I wonder about posts where people just arbitrarily throw out questions to watch the responses. Some questions being asked just don't seem realistic enough tp bother with.

I dropped in on this thread because it has been so active, but after scanning through
I didn't bother to read the new comments because Mbreuri has never returned to answer questions or clarify her situation after 6 days.
The thread has obviously taken on a life of it's own.

The grandmother in question, who was closely involved in the OP's upbringing, is now actively dying of cancer and has chosen to do so at home. The caregiving is unlikely to go on for very long. The OP is understandably freaked out by what is happening and deserves our sympathy and reassurance; but this is not a situation where a child who should be concentrating on her schoolwork is being thrown under a bus for the sake of selfish elders.

Unfortunately, the OP also hasn't been back to comment so we don't know what her reflections are. I hope she and her family are doing as well as can be expected.

i do not know what your family is like but no they should help to that is not fair they will not be in with you on it your mom should be in a bigger part than you anyway is the grandmother her or in law either way they should be in charge not you ..you are still growing up that is not good for you !!!!!!!!

WOAH! I haven't even read any answers here and I am saying right here, right not, DO NOT DO NOT DO NOT DO THIS~! RUN, MOVE, LIVE ELSEWHERE! A 17 year old has a right to a life. This is a hideous, horrible, soul sucking existence for anyone, a 17 year old is not equipped mentally or physically to take care of a sick person. It's over to the adults to handle it. Call social services at a hospital, call the adult protective at social services, call the police. Do not, do not, do not sign up for anything to do with this.  ....  To sit and 'watch her' (whatever that means - NOT changing diapers/feeding/giving meds/)  - f0r a few hours while whoever is in charge gets out of there for a few hours - that's ok.  That would be a blessing for you and all concerned.  But you should not be responsible for the care of a dying patient, at age 17.  That is child abuse.  Horrible!

Do
Not
Do
This.
You have had NO training, not even as CNA, or you would have mrntioned it.
You are
a
child.
CONCENTRATE
on your school work, get good grades, and go to college even if you have to pay for it yourself. Take the initiative and apply for scholarships. Your school counselor can guide you.
Personally I do NOT want ANY of my grandchildren caring for me, not even my granddaughter who is a Registered Nurse.
Do NOT let ANYONE
BULLY YOU
into doing a job for which you have absolutely no qualifications.

Have you spoken with your school counselor about this? You have a chance to get something done since you're still a minor in school. They can not only call the CPS on your behalf, but they can call the APS on her behalf. There are child labor laws to protect you, and elder laws to protect her

I agree, if ur asked to stay with her for a short period of time, I see no problem with this. But, ur young to be to be doingcsome of the physical stuff that is needed. School is important. If GM is 65 then she is getting Medicare and Medicare will pay for Hospice care. They will provide an aide to help for an hour or two so family can get out. Not sure how it works without Medicare.

Surprise, really? The only person I lost by the age 17 was a grandfather I wasn't that close to. All my Aunts and Uncles died from the ages 67 to 89 and I was in my 60s then. Her Mom is probably 40 and GM 60s? Not that old.

I read your question twice - I don't see if you are taking care of Grandma alone or if all 3 of you are contributing.

I wouldn't use the term selfish. Unnerving and uncomfortable come to mind. My BIL was an only child and his mother worked, he had to come home from school and take care of his grandmother - sometimes we just have to do. I only learned of his situation last year but this happened about 55 years ago. Sadly, when it is a single parent and no one else to help - we do what we must.

But your sister should be helping and your mother if she isn't working.

If MD says she is truly dying, then you need to call in hospice care, they are wonderful! If you are concerned about what to do if your grandmother dies on your watch, don't be. Call your mom, call 911. I have been present at two deaths, my mother and my husband. Both were in comas, on morphine, and passed easily. I did not find it as frightening as I thought I would and as a result can face my own death with equanimity. In the past young family members were often present at the deaths of their elders, but modern living has changed that. As a result, we fear it more than we need to.

I don't believe you should be forced, at 17, to provide hands-on care if you are not comfortable doing so. Think of other ways you can contribute to the household. Can you cook or clean or run errands? Also, identify an adult -- a teacher, your minister, the parent of a friend -- who can offer support and counsel so you don't feel alone.

I'm sorry this is happening to you. Establishing healthy boundaries is a coping skill that will serve you well throughout life.

I'm sorry for your situation and your grandmother. It sounds to me like you need some help. Maybe you could ask your family to pay for home care. If she gets worse she way have to go into a home. Good luck.

No, you should NOT be caring for your grandmother alone. Caring for a dying elder is hard work--and very emotionally draining. I'd bet you are placing care for your grandmother above doing your own school work--because I know that I would have done that. I'd bet you don't have much in the way of a social life, either, because of caregiving. The problem is this: how well you do in school right now really does affect what opportunities you'll have later on. So, doing well in school really should be your #1 priority. (When applying to colleges, when you write your college admissions essay, make sure you talk about being the sole caregiver for your dying grandmother. Remember that college admissions officers are adults and have been through a similar situation.)

If I was in your situation, the first thing I would do is talk to ALL my teachers, especially the older ones. They need to know what's going on. It's entirely possible that one or more of them has been a caregiver for a dying relative and is willing to be there for you. Should you have a teacher that is being less than understanding, having a teacher on your side who buttonhole the less than understanding teacher and possibly talk sense into that person is *very* useful. Also, having someone outside the family who has been through this, whom you can talk to is enormously helpful. I know.

Make an appointment to see your guidance counsellor. That person should know what's going on as well. If the guidance counsellor is a social worker, that person MIGHT have training or some experience dealing with this sort of situation. Remember that guidance counsellors rarely interact with the Council for the Aging or Adult Protective Services people, so it might be limited as to how helpful the guidance counselor might be. The guidance counsellor MIGHT (depending on how busy he or she is) be willing to do research and set-up meetings with people who are much more knowledgable and would be able to help. It is in your best interest for your school to formally know what's going on--that's why you want to talk to your guidance counsellor.

If your town / city has either a Counsel for the Aging or a Senior Center, I would call that. In my state, Councils for the Aging and Senior Centers have staff social workers. This social worker will have experience (and interest) in working with seniors and their families. If you have problems finding which Council for the Aging or Senior Center serves your area, contact your state's Office for Elder Affairs (or similar organization) or your state level elected representative (state representative or state senator). Many have a constituent services representative and that person will put you in touch with the right people. I would make an ASAP appointment with a Council for the Aging social worker, and if I had to cut classes or ditch school for a day, I would do so. It's that important.

Perhaps the most important thing the Council for the Aging social worker can do is to moderate a family meeting. The social worker will back you up and tell your mother that you shouldn't be the primary caregiver for your dying grandmother. The social worker can talk to your mother and grandmother about hospice--and perhaps convince them that hospice care is in everyone's best interest. The social worker can talk to your mother, in private, about what happens if she (the social worker) files a report with Adult Protective Services. This is a carrot and stick approach, with the carrot being Hospice and the stick being Adult Protective Services. This usually works.

When approaching your grandmother about getting hospice care, tell her that you (and the rest of the family) will be able to spend more time with your her and this time is *really* precious. It's the simple things that matter. Because of hospice, I was able to spend time with my father binge watching our favorite TV show together--How It's Made. My mother and I didn't have to worry about cooking and cleaning, because volunteers took care of that. I live out-of-town. The help the volunteers gave my parents made it possible for me to prepare my house for my father's death--that I would be spending a lot of time at my mother's farmhouse preparing it for sale.

When my dad was terminally ill, hospice was there. His hospice care coordinator started helping us several months before my father formally entered hospice. She discussed care options with him--that included home care, nursing home or the hospital hospice. My father knew when it was time for hospice and had my mother call the doctor to make it happen, and me, so that I would come. The hospice was there for us, after he passed. They helped us grieve my father's passing--they will care for the family up to a year after the loved one's death. For example, one of the hospice chaplains made sure I went to church when I wanted to go but my mother didn't.

I hope this helps. My heart goes out to you.

DoN

If you are pushed into doing this or you decide to do it, or some of it, do not be upset if she dies in your care. Everybody dies. It's a natural part of life. Just make sure she's not in pain. Make sure that her doctors give her enough pain medicine!
I too feel that you are probably too young to do this. My husband took care of his dying mother and father at the age of 17 but he really had no choice. You have some choice and what is your mother doing anyway! It seems to me that she has done a lot of nothing all your life.
If you are being asked to do it all, I agree call child protective services. If you are being asked to just do a little, like hold her hand or get her some water or whatever that's understandable I think. But you sound as if you are really overburdened and maybe it is just too much for you particularly.

Although you are nearly a young adult, you are still in my opinion not yet an adult, but a child, legally speaking, and see this as child abuse..as others have said, you should contact any one (or several) of various agencies, and I suggest Social Services be one of them if not the first...

The accusations that you are not fulfilling your "duties" are beyond ridiculous...

Please reach out to authorities and get yourself out of the outrageous situation..

Grace + Peace,

Bob

What about the hours you are in school? No you should NOT be doing this!

NOT your responsibility. Your mother and sister should feel ashamed of themselves.
If you volunteer to stay with GM for an hour or two (at most) it would be kind and
help you with maturity. However, at your age, it is not a requirement by anyone!

No this is not your responsibility. Call your county protective services, make a list of questions. If you feel you mom is going to throw you out, disown you because you have refused, then ask the state if they can find you housing. There are group homes, and also HUD apartments provided for people at the poverty level and who are displaced. It is not an easy route, but the stress of caring for an elderly person can truly damage your own health. Remember you once had a grandfather, he must have passed away, and possibly great aunts and uncles. You are 17, and should be allowed to be in school and get a decent education for your future. You need to find out from the state all that is available to you, before you make any quick decisions.  You need to have a contact person that can help you plan everything out so things go smoothly.  Try to stay strong and prepare for what you may need to do. Wishing you my best.

No, this should not fall on your young shoulders, and your not being selfish. Sorry for your grandmother's condition. It should be a family task with the main responsibilities lying within the adult. I hope your family can find resources, like hospice for example. Who will come to the home and offer many vital services. Grandma could even go to a hospice center. Your a teenager, but you can still helping and it won't be forever. Speak to school counselor about how this is affecting you and try your best.She loves you even if she can't remember. and I'm so sorry that so much is being p!Aced upon your shoulders. Please speak to mother about hospice. They will help provide care and resources.

You definitely should NOT be the one caring for her. Has your mother looked into hospice care for her? Or a nursing home? I think they are selfish for expecting YOU to be the caregiver....stand firm...tell your mother to get pro-active about this situation...shes the adult. Tell her to contact your grandmother's primary care doctor for guidance.