He complained for several years he was lonely living where he was. Both y brother and I lived at least 400 miles away. So, I moved him to an ALF 10 minutes from my house and have spent countless hours getting him settled, finding doctors, getting all the finance stuff arranged, having him over to my house for dinners/holidays with the family, etc....and nothing makes him happy. He calls constantly with the same list of physical complaints that we have already seen all kinds of doctors for and tested for (including dementia). It all comes back as just a part of normal aging. He needs more assistance (he's getting his medications mixed up) but, complains loudly about the price of it even though he has plenty of money. I sure some of his attitude is due to depression/anxiety but, when I encourage him to do activities in his new home to meet people, be happier, he always says he's too busy! Every interaction with him is very negative to the point where it is affecting my own mental health. Every time I see him calling on my phone or I look on the calendar and see I have to take him to an appointment somewhere, I feel sick to my stomach. Then I feel incredibly guilty because I should want to help my dad. I don't know how to handle this short of just restricting his calls and the time I spend with him. Any thoughts?
I almost did all that until I learned I was banging my head up against the wall over a very unhappy person and needed to back off in order to not lose my own family relationships. I could no longer spend so many hours trying to make a person happy who I realized did not want to be happy.
And what I learned was that backing off was the right thing to do , it made them adjust to assisted living better , rather than them just waiting for me to come visit . They learned to find other ways to occupy themselves.
In order for a caregiver to have compassion and be able to deal with the negativity , many of us have to limit the exposure to a tolerable level . We can’t all be martyrs .
I don’t see compassion or support for caregivers in your post , I see criticism .
Q2. Where does it come from?
It sounds like he has dementia. Read / study it so you understand what symptoms you are dealing with (as) the brain changes.
[It sounds like] You are interacting with him as if he is the same person you've known for many decades. He is not the same person so you need to change how you 'see' him and respond to him accordingly (with a changing brain).
If you do not change your 'intention' (mission to 'make him happy') you will continue to burn yourself out. You need to deal with your guilt as this seems to be running you. Once you understand what dementia is, even if he isn't diagnosed, he is changing - and you need to change your intentions, thoughts, behavior.
You need to learn that it is - not only OKAY for you to let limits with your time/energy - it is essential. Otherwise you will continue to lose your 'self,' feel frustrated and exhausted - and 'feel sick to your stomach' as you say . . . of course you do; you are not allowing yourself to have any down time / life of your own. The question is "why not"?
Tell yourself it is okay to set boundaries with him.
If he decides not to socialize with others, that is his choice.
If he has 'plenty of money,' find caregivers / people to help him socialize - either on a one-to-one situation or a caregiver can accompany him to facility events to ease him into it, or take him out for lunch - whatever. If he doesn't want to go, that is up to him.
He will always have reasons / excuses not to xxx.
You need to tell him what you will / will not do and make arrangements for others to support him / keep him company. First, you need to feel that you DESERVE a life of your own and that your dad is not your full responsibility - to the point you are overwhelmed, exhausted, getting sick. Why are you doing this to yourself?
Why do you take it upon yourself to do 'everything' - when he has the money to hire others to SUPPORT YOU to have a life of your own? You need to consider the quality of life you want for YOURSELF and adjust your interaction / visiting accordingly. This may be a pattern of yours for decades with your dad - perhaps it started in childhood. Once you understand what is running you, you will be able to make decisions to change it / stop.
He is running circles around you and you are allowing it.
If you do not stop, it will continue.
If you need support, get into therapy. And, let him pay for it.
So few have the financial resources he has; he is so fortunate.
Gena / Touch Matters
For him, get him a referral to a psychiatrist, preferably a geriatric psychiatrist. This doctor can evaluate and treat his mental health issues - probably depression. Just remember that it takes time for psychoactive medications to be effective and to find the right combination and dosages.
My mom was the same way when I moved her to assisted living. The only thing that changed her mood was meeting a man. He lived in down the hall from her. They befriended one another and all of the sudden she had someone to dine with, watch tv with, sit outside with, etc. I bet your dad would not be calling you with complaints if he had a female companion. Start showing up at meal time and sit at a table with other residents. Start asking them their names and where they are from...introduce your dad. Once you do that a couple of times he will be able to do it on his own. Talk with the activities director and let her know what you're doing and ask that she pull your dad into things with these same people.
My mom didn't have hobbies, was not a social person and always very negative. The dementia exaggerated all of those traits and it was not pretty. My mom connecting with this man was the only thing that saved my sanity. You shouldn't have any trouble pairing your dad up with anyone....there are usually 20 women for every one man in these places.
Good Luck!
You ignore them.
When your father calls and starts up with the complaining and the negativity, tell him you will not listen to this and end the call. When you are visiting and he starts up with it, the visit ends that veyr minute. Then tell him you will not be visiting if all he's going to do is complain and spread around negativity.
I got married recently and could not have my mother at my wedding because of the complaining, the negativity, and the misery spreading. She ruined the first one more than 30 years ago the same way and I wasn't going to let her do it again. So she sat home watching cable news and working herself up into a panic like she does every day. People rarely visit her because they don't want to deal with the instigating, negativity, complaining and misery.
Our parents are emotional vampires. Making others miserable is how they feed. You just have to leave them to it. They're not interested in enjoying anything or trying to be active and social. Their only enjoyment in life is bringing others down. Your father's in AL. Let him find people there he can feed off of emotionally.
I had to take a big step back from my mother because if I didn't, who knows what would have become of me. I moved back in with her for a few years to help her out and it almost resulted in a tragedy.
Save yourself and stop being your father's sounding board.
Here is what I suggest to help you cope with this situation. I would limit taking calls to just once a day. If there is an emergency, you will be notified. If the ALF has a service for bringing residents to appointments, I'd have it set up for them to bring him to the less important appointments. I also wouldn't get involved in his day to day life at the ALF. If he wants to participate in activities that's great. If he doesn't, he doesn't. He's earned the right to decide that without your input. I would also visit only once a week.
I wish you luck. This isn't easy.
Another option is to hire caregiver service to take him to his appointments. In my area you pay a 3 hour minimum.
Do the minimum of appointments--push for the minimum.