My father is now in a long-term nursing facility but he's declining fast. I try to visit him several times a week but his hearing is starting to go and the conversation doesn't go anywhere. I try to offer him support and give him a smile but when I leave I feel so sad knowing that this is the end and I'm about to lose him (I'm the only family member and there's no support.)
In my own day to day routine, I just feel so sad. I don't want to say anything to the people who aren't close to me because I don't want to bring anyone down but I don't know how to lift myself out of this feeling. I've tried weekly trips to the spa, working out daily, an occasional candy bar, and try to spend more time reading positive affirmations on social media, than anything else. Therapist tells me I don't have clinical depression but instead tells me I'm just very sad. There's no medication for what I "have." How does everybody else who's going through the same thing get through this sad time in your life? I just don't know what to say or do anymore.
It happens to all of us -- the beginning of life, the middle where you are, and the end where your dad is. We are all born, and we all die. Those who are left behind are saddened by it, but life continues.
No one's life is upbeat and happy all the time. There are ups and there are downs, and some ups are way up, and some downs are way down. This is one of those times, and you need to continue to live through it and you WILL live through it.
You need to stop looking for a cure for a natural feeling, accept that you'll be sad, and embrace the literal circle of life.
What helped me was helping HIM while he was alive, laughing together, supporting one another.
What helped me after he was gone was keeping a book in which I wrote to him (we had always written one another long long letter when we weren't living in the same town. I told him all the things I missed, how sad I was, how appreciative I was, all the wonderful things I remembered, what I saw that day that reminded me of him, and I decorated it all up with collage. I did this for approximately a year, and then I felt the sadness lessening, almost as though he were letting me go and moving on, or I was able to let him go from me.
Sadness is indeed a part of life.
A book I loved, short and easy read, was C.S. Lewis's book A Grief Observed, the book he wrote about the loss of his beloved wife. It has so much to say about grief and about love and about life, short tho it is. Mr. Lewis is quite a "believer" and I am more an atheist, but I found his book marvelously full with comfort.
I sure wish you luck. I am so happy you have a therapist. That will help to get you through.
As a nurse I am rather used to death, if you will, and I have always seen it as the natural progression, the end and a release from fear and pain, so I started out a bit on nodding terms with the Grim Reaper, if you will. I know that helped me. But there are many ways to find help. There are even grief groups, where you can get the guidance of others and at the least know you are not alone in this time.
Best out to you.
i’ve been through similar very sad feelings.
you are doing your absolute best.
it’s terrible that so many things, regarding health, are out of our hands.
love him with all your might.
i am, and everyone on this forum, is doing the same with their LOs.
cherish the moments.
he’s alive now!
create something beautiful:
—maybe make yourself the healthiest you’ve ever been!! this way something very positive came out of very sad days.
—maybe write something beautiful you’ll cherish later.
—create art, something good…so that there was a positive.
big, big, big hugs.
bundle of joy (at the moment sad myself)
bigggg hugs to you!!
i hope you're feeling ok!!!
on my side, i am back to my normal self, not sad.
please be super gentle to yourself, OP.
and let's do all we can - everyone - to appreciate being alive, and that our LOs are alive!
big, big hugs!!
It'd feel weird if you were super happy/bubbly right now. It's just part of the normal, human process. You are going to feel sad. You're doing things correctly by treating yourself to a candy now & then, working out, etc. Going for walks often helps.
Your mind is super focused on this one problem. It won't last forever. You'll get through it. You are being normal.
It's good to read things that inspire you. However, inspirational quotes can be very annoying sometimes when you're feeling down.
How about watching an occasional funny animal video, or cute kid video on FB or You Tube. Try to find something to make you smile for a few minutes. Watch a funny old TV show you enjoyed in your childhood on You Tube or stream it. You deserve a bit of happiness and joy in your life, especially now when you're dealing with so much stress and sadness. If you have any pets, they're always a big help. Just a few minutes of joy a day will make a great difference in your life right now.
What you can do is hold your dad's hand.
Tell him that you love him. (even if he can not hear you he can see it in your eyes, your smile and even through your tears)
Thank him. Thank him for being the parent that he has been. Obviously he was a good dad or you would not be feeling the way you are. (and not everyone is that lucky, just read some of the posts on this site)
Tell him you will miss him but that you will be alright. And you will be. It may take time, it will always hurt but it will go from a sharp hurt to a dull ache in time. It's like when you get a deep cut that needs stitches. You heal but there is a scar, for a while the scar is red and can sometimes hurt but that fades and you are left with a scar that most of the time you do not notice but once in a while you get a glimpse of it and you remember the hurt.
The "medication" is TIME. And MEMORIES.
Talk to people and family about things you did, where you went, things he did, favorite foods. Keeping the memories alive are important.
I Volunteer with a Veterans group and there is a saying.
"A soldier dies twice: Once wherever he takes his last breath; and he dies again when he's forgotten." It is the same with any loved one. Keep his name alive and he will always be with you.
((hugs))
One thing that helped was my faith and knowing my mom was a woman of strong faith as well. I knew she was escaping a sick, frail state of being and that helped.
Allow your mind to go where it goes. Pray if you are a person of faith. I wish you all the best.
What I did learn decades ago, however, was to greatly reduce my fear of death. By doing that, I made it easier to live my LIFE and to accept the fact that death happens to people I love (including myself) and that I could accept it more easily rather than fight it so furiously. I found acceptance through reading a lot (a LOT) of books about near death experiences. Two of my all time favorites are Proof of Heaven: A Neurosurgeon's Journey into the Afterlife by Dr. Eben Alexander. And the other one is To Heaven and Back: A Doctor's Extraordinary Account of Her Death, Heaven, Angels, and Life Again: A True Story, by Mary Neal, M.D. Both books were heart-warming and amazing accounts that may also help you to release some of the fear & sadness you have about losing your dad. You can find them on Amazon or used on eBay.
I lost both of my parents so I know how difficult it can be to witness the end of life process. There's not much you can 'do' except to sit with your dad and hold his hand, remind him of how much you love him, and how important he's been to you, and how big a stamp he's left on this Earth. Tell him it's okay to let go when he's nearing the end of this leg of his journey, and that you'll be fine, thanks to all he's taught you. That you are a strong woman because of him.
Sending you a hug and a prayer for peace.
In the meantime, give your father a kiss, smile, hold his hand . . .tell him he dod a good job raising you to be a loving daughter who will manage her life well. look for momentary joys to share. Don't worry if you are not having "normal," lengthy conversations. He will be comforted that you are there sharing space and time with him.
Although I have made donations, the actually pitching in feels best.
Try doing something related to your Dad’s health, his interests or something he has taught you in life that has resonated and is important to you. What would he do if he was strong snd healthy enough to donate his time to help someone? Not all charity organizations are operating fully (with Covid-19 concerns), but other charities have been created from the pandemic itself. You can work with an organization or do something on your own.
You are right to recognize that candy bars aren’t the solution (lots of us have gained weight trying to extinguish our grief with food). All that does is give you another reason to feel sad. You have a great doctor -so many are ready to write too many prescriptions. Your pain is caused by your deep love for your dad - blunting it with medication also will not solve anything and may lead to health problems for you.
Remember, no matter how tough things feel, your dad wants you to continue your life and be happy.
You are grieving many things, how things were, and how things are, and how things will be. Your sadness is warranted and completely normal. The only thing you CAN do is try to make your time with him memorable in a good way.
I think it's more helpful to talk it out with anyone who will listen. Your therapist, a co-worker, a friend, a grief support group, even those not close to you. You'd be surprised at the support and comfort you may find from the most unexpected people. Processing your feelings with your therapist, friends, journaling, support groups can help with your deep feelings of loss and isolation. If you are religious or spiritual, lean into it even more. One day at a time. I wish you comfort, love, and a brighter future.
The second thing I remember are some light conversations we had when he was agitated and feeling bad. I found it reduced stress for both of us to continue to involve him in life activities to the extent he was capable. I told him that I needed to go to a certain town and needed directions (even though I didn't) -- it gave him a task to focus on and allowed him to be my helpful dad again. You might say you're thinking about getting a new car, lawnmower, or whatever, and ask his advice. You could bring a stack of birthday cards and ask for his help in picking out the right one for a relative with a birthday coming up. Anything, really, that lets him be him and gives you both something to focus on together. Even if he can't contribute much to the conversation, the "task" can be helpful. You might find that when you go home after a visit you feel a bit better too. Good luck to you.
Does your dad know his time is near? If so have you discussed his desires? Have you told him you’re sad he’s going? If not let him know, be open it will help.
If you have a church you attend, or even if you don’t even if you don’t find one where you feel comfortable and the pastor/minister/priest can help
Good luck, you will get thru this. It will get better.
Maybe try to focus on one day at a time instead of what's in store for the future?
Enjoy this time with your dad as much as you can. Enjoy and relish the little things like him recognizing you and giving you a smile. These are things you will remember.
I'm here if you need someone to talk to. I understand completely.
Grief and depression are not the same afflictions. Google it, you might gain some new perspectives. Best to start preparing for the next chapter of your life.
I wish that there was some way to avoid grief and sadness, but there just isn't. We have to wade through it, but staying busy like you're doing is going be the most help - that and prayer. Blessings.
That, is the most important way you can feel better. When my own mother was dying I asked her "don't you want to see Jesus?" and I cringed waiting for her answer. You would be surprised how people are reflective at times. No matter the response it opens up a door to focus on the truth. It may not seem like it matters today, but the biggest regret in life will be avoided. God Bless You and you're loved ones.
I am not caretaker material at all. I am impatient. I hate this. We never got along. I would have scoffed at the thought a year ago
But, I now see how hard this now old frail man worked, how many family trips he took us on, how many cruises and fancy dinners we had, and not one time did I ever hear him complain about what he had to do to provide us all that. Not once.
Be proud of your love for your dad, be uplifted that you're there to care for him for all that he could do.
Seeing my parents age and frail is destroying me, but my hope is they brought up good kids and will be there for them no matter what happens.
Be uplifted. Also be kind to yourself as your dad was to you when you hurt.
Simon
I feel for you & wish you the best,
Hugs 🤗
Affirmations are pretty useless right now. Don’t push the grief away. Go through it. As you mentioned, nothing is working to make it go away. Recognize and experience your grief now. Not doing so could pile on grief with the loss of another dear one later on.
My niece and I have been experiencing anticipatory grief for nearly two years since my brother started showing symptoms and then was diagnosed with brain cancer. We don’t fight the sadness and tears, but let them come through. They will depart shortly until the next wave. Find a grief counselor or a grief support group to help you process your grief. Best wishes.