My mother is only 66yrs old but has chronic ill health and mobility problems due to alcohol abuse and smoking. I have been staying with her for 6 months due to relocation and studying. she has always been somewhat narcissistic but recently her abuse has been awful and vile. She has started to be abusive and negative to me in front of people and last night turned the heating in the house off and shouting at me. I smile and say nothing but the next day she is smiling and asking if i would like to have dinner with her this evening. I feel angry; i know that if i mention it it will cause another round of abuse or victim mentality. I am being worn down by this and had to leave the house early this morning just to avoid her. i dont know what to do.
I so hope you have a job. That studying may need to be put on hold if u don't. From being on this forum I have come to the conclusion you never live with an alcoholic who is still drinking. After 6 months you find you can't live with her, then don't.
If your mother is not able to care for herself(which I'm guessing she actually is, as she lived by herself before you moved back)you call and report her to Adult Protective Services as a vulnerable adult living by herself, and then you get on with your life.
You are NOT responsible for your mother or her care, but you are responsible for your own health and well-being, so time to move out.
But it could be ARD (alcohol-related dementia):
"Alcohol-related dementia presents as a global deterioration in intellectual function with memory not being specifically affected, but it may occur with other forms of dementia, resulting in a wide range of symptoms. Certain individuals with alcohol-related dementia present with damage to the frontal lobes of their brain causing disinhibition, loss of planning and executive functions, and a disregard for the consequences of their behavior. "
Also, she could have another medical condition causing her increasingly obnoxious behavior: UTI, vitamin B deficiency (common in alcoholics), dehydration, high blood pressure, COPD, stroke, etc.
None of this is your problem, unless you choose it. If you need to stay in the house for economic reasons, then you may need to call 911 the next time she is being abusive or delusional. While she is railing at you, video it and then also show this to the EMTs or hospital so that they know this is a worsening problem for her. Once in the hospital, tell the staff that she is an "unsafe discharge" and that you cannot take care of her (or tell them she lives alone) and then DO NOT go get her from the hospital no matter how much the staff harangues you or makes promises to "help" you care for her (they won't, they just want her out). Talk to the hospital social worker. The county will move to acquire guardianship of her. But if you're living in her house, not sure you will be allowed to stay there at that point since the county will then control all of her affairs and you will have no say in any of it.
Your Mom won't get better. Things will only get worse. It will be hard now to deal with it but not dealing with it (unless you just move out and move one) means you will get sucked into the vortex for the long-term. I wish you much wisdom and clarity as you figure out your future.
Do you feel confident that she is able to safely take care of herself? If so, just move out now. Don't have to tell her that it's because she's treating you like crap, but just that it's time for you to get back on your own and give her back her privacy, etc. Thanks for letting me stay here but time for a new place for you. Even if you have to rent a room in someone's house, do it. It'll be worth it to get away from her negativity.