How do I safely get out of this? I'm done with caregiving, but want to exit appropriately.

You find an apartment and you move. You are not the POA, the POA is the one responsible for her care. You advise sis, the agency, your mother and the attorney that you are out of there by March 1 (30 day notice). And you go. It is not abandonment with sufficient notice. It's a matter of saving your own life. They will muddle through.. You just stop in for tea once a week.

Start looking and packing this weekend. I would mail letters return receipt requested, along with an email notification for back-up; that is plenty of paper trail. Mail those letters on Saturday, if possible. All I can say is, good for you! Wish you all the very best.

Exactly what I've already done, but why so long a notice? I've kept a foot in the door at mom's because I knew they'd stall gettting the help in full time. I told them months ago I wasn't going to do it anymore and gave them plenty of time to make the arrangements, and verbally told them again last week I was done, that my work schedule prevented me from being here and that I was not responsible if something happened. Isn't sis already solely responsible now? What legal repercussions would I face? I feel like I've already done all I need to do, but want to make sure. Mom won't like it no matter how it's presented, but at this point, that no longer matters. She'll forget soon enough. I can't make it another week, let alone another month. If I don't just say "tomorrow is it -- you are on your own with mom's care", it won't ever happen and I'll get stuck running myself to the grave.

Sometimes the only way to quit caregiving is for the Caregiver to have a medical emergency themselves.

After 6 years of driving my parents, I had to cut back 90% because I had a melt down panic attack. It was like the world was lifted off my shoulders as I was finally able to say *no* to driving my parents. Of course my Dad said "but who will drive us", oh great let's throw some guilt into the mix.

Another thing that helped me was having to have surgery... I don't recommend this as an option :P This came totally out of the blue, surprised even myself, and it was early last month, and I have not recovered from it. That in it self was a wake up call for my parents that something could happen to me, then what would they do. My parents also have the resources to pay, but bulk at paying anyone anything.

It seems ashamed that some of us had to wait for a medical emergency before we could get a break. A couple months ago another writer on the forums had a heart attack, another person developed cancer, etc.

Zookeeper, hope you can finally climb over that wall.

You have to give them notice and follow through on it...just don't say you are going to quit...it sounds like you have cried wolf many times and they don't take you seriously because you are still there. Say what you mean and mean what you say by following through with the action. Type up a very professional letter of resignation, send it certified receipt to your sister, siblings, the agency and your mother's attorney. Give a 30 day notice so you have time to "really" secure an apartment for yourself. It really is that simple.

I agree with the others ... written notice, and then you are out of there!

And, yes, you have already given notice orally, but the written notice will be "official" and serve as documentation.

If you told them a week ago, the letter may be a "This is in confirmation of our conversation on January xx, 2015. Effective 30 days from that date, February xx, I will no longer ...

But will you be ready to move out so quickly?

Yes, I already have a place to live and have been "living out of both" for some time. I can be gone tomorrow and think that's the only way they'll actually start taking care of mom. All 4 siblings have things stored on mom's property, so leaving things behind isn't an issue for me. It's me that needs to go. Written notice that I was no longer responsible was given many months ago, so I don't see the need to restate that. And I am not going to lose this job by staying home to mommysit, when mom has the resources for the care she needs and the agency has already stated they have people available. I didn't want to use my health, but it's bad enough to justify an immediate quit.

Good luck to you. Keep us informed of how this goes!

Well, I let them all know in writing, and then blocked sister so she cannot reply back. I have no need for any further communication with her. The agency also knows I'm permanently "off-duty" at 6pm tomorrow and that they need to have someone here when the usual part-time caregiver's shift ends, as I will not be here. I could care less who gets the bill - it's not my responsibility. Thanks to Pam for reminding me of that, several times, the past few days. I called my doctor at his home tonight and he said, "You need to quit today", so thanks also to the people that suggested the medical escape route. The stress alone, notwithstanding my other medical problems, was enough. I'm taking a few days off from my part-time job, too, and going up to Central California to visit friends I haven't seen since moving back to take care of dad 26 years ago. This will be my first time off in almost 10 years; not really a vacation, but a prelude to a vacation. At least it's the respite I should have had all along, but never got. Mom will be ok, and if not, I did the best that I could with what I had to work with. I know she would never have wanted me to be this miserable and would say so, if she could. We'll visit for tea when we get back and hopefully by then she'll be all settled with 24/7 care. Ultimate goal is to get her into assisted living and then into NH unit at the appropriate time, which may already be the case. The rest of my family will realize it's their only reasonable option very quickly, as none of them are willing to do or make the time for what needs to be done themselves. Lesson to parents: get your POA's and all your ducks in a row and choose the right family member to represent you. Lesson to caregivers: Don't make the mistakes I made; if you are not the person that is responsible for some one else's care, stop! You will only lose and go away miserable from the experience.

Good luck Zoo!

Zookeeper,

You acted quickly and resolutely. Very inspiring. Good luck to you.

Oh, how I would like to be a fly on the wall when your sister realizes what caregiving really entails...

Well, it's getting close to time for me to be leaving for work, and that means my stint as unofficial caregiver ends. I am extremely nervous and worried about leaving mom and am doing the best I can to get rid of the guilt that keeps trying to rear it's ugly head. My godfather, who is the only remaining "sane" member of my parent's circle of friends, called me this morning when he got wind of my plans. He told me I had just signed mom's death certificate and he hoped I would be able to live with that. He was the one that knocked me up the side of the head when my dad was ill. He called me one morning and said my mom and sisters didn't know what they are doing and were killing dad in an ugly way, with the way they were mismanaging him, and that I owed it to him to step in and clean it up. I did go, arranged for hospice, and a few days later dad died a happy death at home, surrounded by his family. No one ever thanked me then, either. It was the thing I am most proud of doing, so their thanks probably wouldn't have mattered anyway. I have been in godfather's "debt" ever since and have a tremendous amount of respect for his opinion. I fear he may be right again. And the neighbors are certain sis will kill mom off within 2 months, most likely via an "accident". I have no idea how I'm going to be able to get to sleep tonight...so I asked my brother to come down and visit mom this weekend. He's a few hours away, but willing. And I have my "spies" watching the house, too.

Oh, God bless you.

I am sure your sister and brother will step up. They don't have the right to enslave you, and your sister does bear the responsibility. That is what POA means.

Hang in there.

Zoo....

What Salisbury said is correct - your siblings do not have the right to enslave you financially, emotionally or physically, and that's pretty much what it comes down to, doesn't it? You are financially enslaved by staying with Mom, because you aren't out doing for yourself financially, even though you can. You are physically enslaved by having to care for your mother, even though you are not the POA, and therefore, being forced to care for her, even though it's not your legal responsibility. You are, most especially, emotionally enslaved by this situation, like we all are - you already feel the guilt that comes with trying to distance yourself from the caregiver role.

Caregiving is not for everyone, and even if someone starts out as a caregiver and thinks they can do it forever quite happily, there comes a time somewhere down the road where reality hits and they get burned out - and they realize they might not have been cut out for this role after all. You are doing the right thing if you are not able to continue doing this for your mother - force your sister, the POA's, hand and she will *have* to take care of your mom. Please don't let your godfather's words dissuade you from doing what is right for you, and forcing your sister to fill the role she obviously wanted in the first place, as POA.

zookeeper (((((((hugs)))))) I am so sorry for the "trip" your godfather laid on you. That was not fair. You have gone above and beyond what could reasonably be expected of anyone and your own health is at stake. You have to look after yourself. Your mum might have died sooner of you had not been there. Obviously your sibs are worse than useless. I know that scene, I have EPA and medical POA re my mother and caring for her even at a distance has affected my health. My sis is my back up on the EPA and POA documents and, incidentally, wants all the inheritance, but to do none of the work. If she had been primary on either of these things I would have given up long ago, as it would have been impossible for me. As it is, her interference and attitude has caused me a lot of stress, as has caring for my mother who has a personality disorder. I have given myself permission to back out and leave it all to her if my health is too negatively affected. I have support in this by my specialist and also my counsellor. Continue with your plan. I suspect it will take a while for your stress levels to return to normal. Visiting friends is a great idea. Keep in touch and let us know how you are doing.

Zookeeper, you do have one other option open to you, and that is as soon as you think there is just enough evidence of poor care to Mom, you contact Adult Protective Services about the situation. You must not go back to trying to do the impossible, and no one truly"sane" should ask you to, but if Mom's care is so bad as to endanger her, somebody with the potential to make it better needs to know.

BTW - If Godfather is so sure this is so bad, how come he can't step in himself??

Zookeeper, has your mom been determined by her doctor to need 24/7 supervision? If so, call her doctor and report that due to your health, you have had to resign from caregiving. And yes, call APS if you think mom is not being cared for, and request that the police department do a wellness check. You are not POA. This is not your responsibility.

Is mom at the point of needing hospice? That is something that your brother might discuss with your sister.

Just thought I'd post an update and send thanks for all the support so many of you have posted, It means quite a lot to me. Just as I getting ready to leave for work today, Mary Poppins landed on my stoop. Literally. She greeted me in Polish, pronounced my name perfectly (which is no easy feat), introduced herself as the regional case management supervisor for mom's caregiving and nursing agency and immediately started asking about my parents, where they were from in the old country, what they did, about my ancient and recent family history, and she shared the same about herself. Turns out her family is from a region very close to where mom was born and they have similar backgrounds. We have some friends in common through a local Polish club. I was already feeling good. She knew our culture. That's so much more important for people of mom's generation that lived through WWII and became American immigrants, and in the process, did everything they could to conceal that identity as best they could. Then she went in to meet mom, using again a familiar greeting that I'm certain mom hadn't heard in a very, very long time. I have not seen that smile or gleam in mom's eyes for a long time, and she immediately replied back in Polish to her, It went extremely well, I was able to get all of mom's pertinent medical history and the details of the recent falls, the history of my sister's failure to follow through on medical care and appointments, safety issues in the home, etc. She made her care assessment, authorized continued and expanded care and assured me sister would be notified that care needed to be provided immediately by her, and in person, if she was not able to arrange for trained help to do it for her, That meant tonight at 6pm and the agency had people standing by. My sister has seemed to respond in the past when her arm was twisted behind her back, with her own nursing license dangling in front of her, and the consequences she could face if she was found guilty of neglect go front and center. So I think she will step up to cover own her butt. At least I hope so, But when it comes to opening mom's purse, sister has the dementia, so we'll just have to wait and see. I also messaged my bro and asked him if he could pop in this weekend and check on mom, In defense of my godfather, I have to say that he knows our personalities and has seen all our successes and failures and knows our strengths and weaknesses. I really do think he was just being his straightforward shoot from the hip self, not meaning to inflict any pain at all and knowing that I have a pretty thick skin myself. The timing was bad and it could have been put more tactfully, yes, but that wouldn't be him. This is the guy that kicked me in the shin when I had my tonsils out at age 7, and then said, "there, that'll keep you from thinking about your throat". It actually DID work. :) His wife passed last year after a long decline from ALZ, and he took excellent care of her through the entire ordeal, from homecare to memory unit to inpatient hospice. He survived both his sons and most of his extended family, so there was literally no one else to help him take care of his wife, who was also a wonderful woman and one of mom's best friends. So he knows this better than most of us and I think he thought I could handle that "truth", or he would not have said it. I mean, he does know that I have limits, he just won't let ME define them, because he thinks I sometimes draw that line sooner than I should, We talked and he knows that line is already behind me and that I've gone more than a year way over that line. The social worker will be contacting me directly, next week, to make an assessment, too, and to take my reports of neglect. The whole point is to get mom properly re-evaluated and given the care she needs in the most appropriate environment. Now that the bedsores are healing, she's getting more mobile and causing more "trouble" -- she's bored and feeling caged. Adult daycare would do her a world of good, and she's still not beyond that point, but probably soon will be. Whether sis takes a fall or not really doesn't concern me; I mean, I understand that she is mentally ill. A sane person would never do this to her mother. But money is her god, so my expectations there have always been low. I feel like I am walking out of the gates of the death camps my parents survived during the war, it's the only comparison I can make to the feeling of LIBERATION I have right now. That said, I will always love my mom and will probably not stop worrying,,,

Zookeeper,

Wow, what can happen when we "rely on the kindness of strangers." Imagine a Polish Mary Poppins popping in right when you need her. It sounds like this Mary Poppins knows her stuff, too.

I am happy for you and, again, you are an inspiration. No one doubts that you love your mom and I am sure you will worry. But try, as someone said here, to take it one day at a time. Let the snarls of the past go; do not look forward in fear. You are now liberated. Enjoy each day--and your visits to your mom.

Keep in touch!

Best of luck. Give us another update when sis takes over, if you can.

Zoo, I want to point out to you that your Godfather, who sounds like a great guy, DID avail himself of a facility to care for his wife when that was appropriate. He did not sacrifice his mental and physical health to her illness, as many caregivers do. It's your SISTER he should be calling. But anyway, I'm glad that things seem to be working out for mom, and for you. I hope she gets the care she deserves. And it sounds like she has awesome neighbors!

Update: I dreaded calling the house today, but had to find out if mom had someone there with her. It's Saturday, and this is the day I'm most concerned about having someone there with mom. Sunday afternoons and dinner are supposed to be spent with sister's family, but mom's refused to go week after week for months. If no one answered, I'd know mom was alone again. Would I have to run back? Her weekday caregiver answered and assured me mom was ok. The agency provided the coverage. Not sure sis even knows yet. Hooray! It's taken a full year to force the real responsibility of caring for mom onto the sibling that has the legal responsibility. Her misuse of her power is unforgivable and so is taking advantage of my good will toward mom, knowing that I'm the type of person that can't let injustice be and stand idly by. The comment about being enslaved really hit home; I hadn't thought of it that way, I just kept trying to do the right thing with what limited resources I had available. I learned that from my parents; I don't understand why my siblings didn't learn that lesson from them, too. I admit I have enabled them by not drawing the line and sticking to it. I should have taken these steps so much sooner. We'll see how it goes from here. Thanks again for everyone's advise and support.

Keep in touch here. You situation is very common, and it is good to read about it and see how it gets resolved. Your story might inspire someone else! Keep us updated, please. (I don't expect this will go perfectly smoothly. But you are strong enough to ride over the bumps.)

Zoo, yes, do keep us in the loop. Isn't it amazing the different lessons siblings take away from childhood?

I certainly will! Finding this forum has made a difference and it helped me finally take the steps I needed to take to save first, myself and second, mom. By reading older posts, I discovered I wasn't alone and that our situation wasn't unique and that there WERE potential solutions; posting my own and getting some honest, in your face responses made me really think about what to do and how to do it; and by answering others' posts, telling my own experiences and observations, I feel like I'm giving back. Wish I'd looked for you all a lot sooner, too. We can't do it alone, no matter how strong we think we might be, and admitting that is the first step toward being a success at caregiving.

You are doing the right thing. Hang in there and keep us updated.

Hurray for you!!!!!!!!!!!!!

UPDATE: Well, we take our risks and hope for the best. Sometimes we get lucky and sometimes we don't. I didn't get lucky. Mom fell on her back porch during the Super Bowl on Sunday and did some real damage going down. Of course, I wasn't here. Her aide was here and went home and cried all night over it, but I told her it was just one of those things. Mom was there one second and out the door the next. She was going to fall sooner or later again, the important thing was that she wasn't alone and that immediate care was given. Mom still doesn't have night coverage and is still being left alone. Why would anyone think someone who was having this many (unusual and out of character) falls was ok to be left alone at night? They arranged for day coverage while I was gone the past few days, but that's just too temporary for me to be satisfied with. Back on the phone with APS, her doctors, the lawyer...I suppose this isn't going to end until the end. I'm quite discouraged. I really thought I found a viable escape from the forced labor. And not a word from any of the other siblings...
I got the regional case management adminstrator to come out today to see for herself and she contacted yet another social worker...I'm waiting, waiting, waiting...and keeping one eye open on mom until her aide gets back at 8am. Another night without sleep.

Oh, Zookeeper, I am so sorry. What a terrible thing for everyone involved. Your poor mom. I am most sorry for you and all of the extra work and management this causes for you. Are you back in the house? It sounds like the sibs don't get it yet.

Big hugs and I am keeping you in my prayers.

Poor Mom. Remind me, is there a reason that she's not in memory care?