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Your son has opened his home to you, don't let the past ruin the future. Perhaps your son was protecting his child from the confusion or fear of dementia. When my dad had a stroke, my son came to the hospital that night, with his family. My dad was still talking nonsence from the stroke and scaring the kids. My son left abruptly and did not visit much in the nursing home. But he loved his grandpa dearly. People grieve differently from suffering the death and/or illness of loved ones. Forgive and move forward with your family.
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Question: Is your deceased husband your son's biological or adoptive father? If adoptive, how did they relate, and for how long? Did he raise your son? From what age? For me, my responses would be likely different?
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There are some unanswered issues. What is the relation between you and your son and what was it with your husband. If it is/was good, it may be he couldn't handle seeing him ill or perhaps there is some hidden resentment for something. Somehow you need to tell him how you feel and get to the bottom of this. As to his wife, she may just be cold or doesn't know everyone that well and does not feel close to them. If it were me, I'd let them go and stay in the old house but that does not mean you have to go there too. It could work out or it could be uncomfortable -can you do activities with them but stay in a motel or hotel nearby. Until I know what is going on, I would choose this option - but find out why he did not visit. Perhaps he could not deal with dementia. I know I could not handle that especially in someone close to me. Good luck.
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I don't feel comfortable staying at people's homes. We have an RV, if I take it, that is a good reason to stay in my own bed. If I don't have my RV, I stay in a hotel. I just tell them that I snore (hubby says i do), and I can't rest because I worry about bothering others. When I am in a hotel, I can rest. That is my excuse.
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Imho, either state to your son that you were hurt by his PAST actions or stay in a hotel.
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Accept their invitation. At some point in private gently say that you just didn't understand why your son did not come around. Stop there to give him time to answer if he is able. When I read what you'd written my first thought was something unpleasant had happened between them in the past. Add to that, now with dementia there would no chance to repair that. Then ask what will he do when you get old and are less yourself. And, yes, seek counseling for yourself. You've been through so much.
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You don't mention how long ago your husband died and what may have happened then. Did your son come to the funeral - did he reach out to you-did you reach out to him? Did your son ever explain to you why he didn't visit? did he call you? Is your son inviting you to join them on their trips? I presume you had only one son? I would encourage you to speak with a counselor about all this and then perhaps with your son. Clearly, this was all upsetting to you and it may be difficult to address all this with your son now. Also, remember that tis is your only son? and grandson? and think about what your future with them should be like. Strange as this may seem right now, I encourage you to speak with an estate attorney to make sure you have will , POA -financial and health- and determine who you want to handle your affairs if and when you cannot.
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