When my husband was alive my son did not come around due to my husband's dementia. We went to all of my grandson's baseball games and I felt like an outsider because my son and his wife would not talk with us except for the basic hi how are you. My son lives 2 hrs away and now that my husband is gone my son wants me to stay at his house instead of going to a hotel. I don't know how to deal with this. My son & DIL have what they call family vacations/camping trips with her family. The other day my son mentioned to me my grandson went to his other grandparents house to spend the night because he wanted to spend time with his last living grandpa. This hurt me so bad because when they are in town they never stopped by to see my husband. I don't know what to do any advise would help. Thanks.
Neither of my children will come home to help me with their grandmother (my MIL). It has strained our relationships immensely.
As I learn to forgive them, I'm slowly building new relationships with them. I know they are not cut out to be human caregivers (my shortcoming?), and I cannot expect that from them. I try to focus on the joy they can/do bring.
If you value your son and dil, overlook their shortcomings, and enjoy the good parts.
My mom didn't want me to have a good relationship with her husband but, she would try and guilt me for not treating him like my stepdad.
I felt like I couldn't win, so I quit trying. Now that he is gone I am able to talk to her more often and we even did a road trip in April to get some nature therapy. Not something that would have been possible when he was alive, even when he was healthy.
I understand the Dementia thing but I hate the excuse "just can't see them that way. And your son still had a mother. Like Alva says, the son usually leans toward's the wifes family. I see it all the time.
I am finding out not to expect. Makes life a lot easier.
You can try to forgive what happened in the past with your DH and how your son & his wife treated the whole situation, or, you can hold onto your anger & grief and continue to alienate your loved ones even further. If it were me, I think I would accept their invitation and at some point during the visit, I'd bring up the matter and lay it out on the table. Let YOUR feelings be known, and how hurt you were over the whole situation of being abandoned during your husband's run with dementia. Ask your son & his wife what they will do if YOU get diagnosed with dementia or Alzheimer's? Will they run away from you, too, as they did with your DH? Or perhaps educate themselves about the condition so they can deal with it if/when it crops up in their lives next time. Burying ones head in the sand never fixes anything.
Wishing you the best of luck moving forward & fixing damaged relationships with truth, honesty and LOVE.
Does it hurt? OMGosh, yes, but I can't change it so I just go with it.
His wife doesn't care for me, so the call to not spend time with me is hers. I have 4 daughters and my Sons in Law more than make up for the loss of love from my son.
He was here over the w/e as his dad was in the hospital with something they never DID dx. Son usurped my POA power and got him released days before he was ready to come home. I guess I could have kicked up a stink about it, but it's not worth it. We cannot make people love us, or even like us.
"My daughter's my daughter for all of her life;
My son is my son till he gets him a wife" ?????????
Don't know why but this often happens.
I would stay pleasant and cheerful as you are able and try not to make judgements and comparisons. I can't guess at what relationship your son had with his Dad because he isn't here to ask. Either is his Dad. So I would go on with life as it is now. The couple asked you to stay with them. If you wish to do so, then do so, but given family dynamics don't expect perfection. If you would prefer staying in a Hotel tell them you would look on that as a great adventure, having your own wonderful room, that you would "enjoy the day with them and watch bad TV with cocktails all night". In other words a)let go of the past and b) have a good time. I wish you luck and am sorry for your loss.