I'm 57 and had been caring for my mom (paid) for the last 12 years. I lived with her. I had been caring for her unpaid as well as holding a full-time job for many years prior. I have a 38 yr old daughter and a son that died in my arms after a motorcycle accident 6 years ago. He was 27 and a true momma's boy. I am still in denial over that and pretend he has moved away and may be coming back any time now. My mom just passed away a little over a month ago. I now couch surf as I no longer have a home, a job, my mother, or my best friend. There are 4 other siblings in the area who never had any real time to help with her care or even visit her for more than a half hour here and there. I have 2 granddaughters, one who I have had no time with because all of my time was spent caring for my mom. I could barely leave to go grocery shopping without her needing me back with her before I would even finish shopping. My other granddaughter I practically care for full-time as well. I don't get to see her enough now as I don't have a place to call home where she can come stay with me for days at a time. I have no idea what I want to do for a job at my age. I do know I do not want to be responsible for caring for another human being ever again. I still can't seem to catch my breath from caring for my mom. I was sleep deprived and exhausted in every way possible and constantly felt and still feel under extreme pressure. I gave up my social life completely. My relationship with my siblings is strained at best. I have some resentment toward them for not being there for me or my mom. I walk around in the forest in circles for most of the day. Even when I have a place to sleep for the night, I find myself sleeping in my vehicle so I can avoid interacting with others. I don't know where to begin to pick up the pieces of my life financially, socially, mentally, physically, etc. I have not been to a Dr for my own health in 12 years. I don't even have a family Dr, I exist in the country and there are not many resources available that I am aware of to help me in any way. Even if there was I don't like asking for help. I have always made my own way and provided for my own needs.. Right now, I don't really know what I need other than some direction I suppose.
If you have not already reached out to a mental health therapist, please do; it could be a big help
First of all, I am incredibly sorry for the loss of your son and your mom.
Your story is absolutely heart wrenching. Do you have NAMI in your area? If so, please make an appointment to speak with someone.
I am glad that you reached out. You’ve been through so much and it takes courage to speak about hurtful things.
I wish you the very best and hope that you find peace in your life. You deserve it.
Even better years are ahead, waiting for you! It was very kind of you to help. Please make your 50s, 60s, 70s, 80s…etc…the best yet. You deserve it.
Time to think about YOU. Lead an awesome life for you.
One of my mother's sitters travels extensively through this organization. There are opportunities in the US - probably every state - and throughout other countries.
Each host has some work that needs done - could be gardening for 4 hours a day, painting, helping on a farm or in a business, etc. The worker has to get themselves to the place and the host provides food and lodging. Some will offer small hourly wages in lieu of providing meals.
When this season of caregiving is over for me, I am planning on traveling through this organization. I'll be a solo traveler, so having a "home base" and hosts that can be of assistance will be invaluable.
Anyway, the website is not .org. The website is www.workaway.info
I think one of the first things you need to seek out is a Therapist that can be a neutral sounding board for you and all that you have gone through.
You say you do not like asking for help but you need to.
I have said 2 of the most difficult things in caregiving are 1) Asking for help and 2) Accepting help.
You need to do both.
You should also find a Bereavement Support Group. Not just to deal with the loss of your mom but of your son as well. There is no timeline on grief.
Please contact a Women's shelter in your area.
Catholic Charities is also a great place to connect with. Despite the name they will help anyone, any denomination they will not deny services based on religion.
You say you like to provide for your own needs...part of that is finding a way to get your needs met. What I and other people responding to your post are doing is trying to help you find a way to get the needs you have met.
If you were drowning and someone tossed you a lifejacket would you not take it because you did not get it yourself? If your house were on fire would you stand there with a garden hose and tell the firemen..."I got this, I want to do it myself?"
Accept the help you find.
How old is your granddaughter? If she is an adult... perhaps reach out to her....
I know.... she is your granddaughter.... but this is a connection.... reach out to someone.... She will let you know if she can "handle" this situation... she may be able to actually help... only if you trust... and care...
You do have family.... reach out to one of them.... please.
Your siblings didn't even help out at that time?!
Did your mother own her own home? I'm not understanding why you've now lost your home? Someone below said your mother paid you?
"I was sleep deprived and exhausted in every way possible and constantly felt and still feel under extreme pressure. I gave up my social life completely."
I think what you are going through now (besides the grief of mother loss) is a kind of PTSD from the years of unreasonable caregiving.
I am curious as to how/why you came to be your mother's 24/7/365 caregiver.
I also recommend Griefshare, although I understand they made some changes to the program from when I did it over a decade ago.
You have sacrificed yourself and your well being which shows that boundaries were not created. It happens to us all. I sought out counseling to get me through the crucial moments of securing a job and moving out of the family home. It was an adjustment at first especially without a car, but I eventually worked through it. My relatives vicious. There was no other way to put it, and I was estranged from family for over twenty-five years. Even when I tried to reconnect, there just wasn't enough to keep me connected to them.
I'm sorry for your loss.
See All Answers