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I'm a daughter that has been restricted from any and all access to my Mother (6 months) because I question the siblings that have Financial and Medical POA. Mom has cognitive impairment from a stroke in September 2017. Our father passed away in December 2017 caring for Mom. They lied to Mom to have her move out of her home into a nursing home. They moved into her home and took control of Mom's money. I have proof of emotional and financial exploitation. I also reported the abuse to the authorities, but the abuse continues. I've repeatedly called APS to inform them that the financial abuse continues and all I'm told is the investigation is on-going.


I've begged the Department of Health and Human Services to try and mediate a reconciliation with my Mother. I've been told that Mom doesn't want to see me because I'm at odds with my siblings. Yes, that's true and because my siblings are exploiting our Mother. When I asked if my Mom understood why I'm at odds with my siblings I was informed that they don't ask why because that's personal. If the department asks "do you want to see daughter #2" and Mom's response is "no". That's it. No further inquiry.


I need a support group because I don't know how to go on with my life without my Mother. The nursing home is only 20 minutes from my home. I feel as though I'm dying from my broken heart. Is there anyone who is dealing with similar family situation. I hope to gain friendships that we'll be able to help each other move forward.


Thank you.

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Elderly services is not helpful at all. They don't get back to you & say they cannot tell you anything about what's going on in a case. It seems as though here in RI the only time they might step in is if the person is being physically abused or in immediate danger. It's now been 1 1/2 years since I've seen my mom & my brother's daughters know what he's doing but refuse to try to help since they're going to benefit in the long run.
My mom is now telling one of my aunts that I took stuff from her house & there are things missing from her drawers. ........I know it wasn't me since I haven't been there. My brother is a controlling spiteful person who loves to sue people in court. He was in divorce court for 22 years with his ex wife!
im just afraid something will happen to my mom & I'll never get to see her again & I'll never forgive him or my nieces for this!
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I'm sorry to hear that you are going through the same thing as me. I've been restricted for over a year now by brother that has DPOA which was signed after my mom showed signs of dementia. She told the police & elderly affairs that she doesn't want to see me or talk to me & I know it's brother who is manipulating her & influencing her out of spite to me. I also just found out that he had her amend her trust removing myself & my children.
I know how much this hurts & it's so expensive to hire a lawyer. The one I spoke to the other day wanted a $7500 retainer. Im going to make an appt with another one for a consultation to see if anything can be done.
I also contacted elderly services multiple times & they told me it's clear brother is using undue influence & manipulating her but they don't do anything. They say to get a lawyer & the police say the same thing.
My mom is 96 & lives across the st from me so I can't get away from it. I took care of her for 2 yrs prior to this with no help at all from bro. He was " too busy" but when she could no longer handle her finances he stepped in & pushed me out.
I wish you luck......please let us know how you make out. My best to you!
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Ladyshfr Nov 2018
My heart goes out to you as well. I agree the authorities and governmental agencies do not do enough to protect our elderly loved ones. As in your case I've also informed the authorities that my siblings are brainwashing, intimidating, frightening, coercing, isolating, and using undue influence to control my Mother, but because she is in an expensive nursing home and she is being care for they tell me that Mom is not in any immediate danger, therefore, the wheels of justice will move at a "snails pace".

When it came to helping me care for Mom prior to the nursing home I was told "you asked for Mom so don't ask for help". What they did do is take our brain injured Mother out to bars and feed her alcohol and drop her back off at my house for my husband and I to deal with Mom coming down off the intoxication. They didn't seem to grasp that alcohol wasn't beneficial in Mom's recovery.

I am also interested in starting a support group for elder victims and their families here in the mid-west and online. We can help each other and maybe create friendships. If you know of anyone that could benefit please pass along. If you would like to exchange information (email/phone) to chat I wouldn't mind making a new friend.

Good luck to you too!

Thank you for your support.
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You have my sympathy. I have problems with a daughter who has more or less estranged herself and the grandchildren from me, and it tears me apart too. Like you, I have racked my brains about how to deal with it, and why it has happened.

You sound terribly upset, and I can understand it. However your relatives have found some way to convince the facility that meeting you would not be good for your mother, and have quite possibly influenced APS and Department of Health and Human Services with the same story. The story might possibly be that you are so emotional about the situation that it would upset your mother. That you had a different plan for your mother to follow after your father’s death, and that you continue to push it against your mother’s choice. This may be completely untrue, but it may sound quite convincing. If so, it would perhaps help if you could back off for a while and let your heart heal. Your mother is being cared for in the nursing home, so you will leave her in safe hands there. She may not be doing the everyday things that you are missing, but you do not need to worry for her welfare.

Don’t let your distress ruin your own life, and make things even harder for your husband and children. Time may resolve the problem, and you need to keep yourself in good shape. Best wishes until we both find that wonderful magic wand!
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Ladyshfr Nov 2018
I have been told I'm too emotional, but when your ripped away from a close special relationship people need to understand the lasting effects on the family members. I'm emotional speaking to others, but whenever I spoke with my Mother my emotions were under control. I'm always thinking about what's best for her. I have backed off, but if I am not reunited with my Mother my heart will never heal. The day that my siblings restricted my access I spoke with Mom and she wasn't angry or upset with me. We had spoken about what we were going to do after her lunch date with my sister. We also said we loved each other. After Mom returned from lunch I called the facility to be informed that I was no longer aloud to visit, call, or speak with anyone at the facility about my Mother's health.

I'm trying to overcome my anguish from the sake of my husband and children. I pray that the Lord will reunite us soon.

I am also interested in starting a support group for elder victims and their families here in the mid-west and online. We can help each other and maybe create friendships. If you know of anyone that could benefit please pass along.

Thank you for your support.
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Being betrayed by family is one of the most painful experiences. It can be like
a death from which there is no closure. Although I do not have family members
behaving like this, I have had family "friends" and NH staff behave similarly.

The ugly truth is that for predatory type people, all bets are off when it involves
money. It's a real heartbreaking eye opener. You have to find a way to come to
some peace about this as hard as it is. If you have belief in God or Higher
Power, now is the time to strengthen this practice.

Fighting this type of thing can be very $$ and like you stated, a positive outcome
is not guaranteed. If your Mom has declined cognitively, the sad truth is that she
may not be aware enough to advocate for herself. And your sibs can make up
anything about you, and if they're charming and articulate enough, they will
likely be believed instead of you. By just about everybody.

I've found that NH staff, again if predatory in nature, will suss out the power structure in families and take sides. NH's are also in business and want to sidle up to those who will have the money as they often need legacies/donations to help defray costs.

I think Sendhelp has some of the best advice, amongst all the other great advice
you've gotten Find a way, somehow, to bear this pain regardless of outcome
and be there for yourself and your family. This type of situation can eat you up.
I know, because I let my situation eat me alive and it did a lot of harm to my health
my finances as well as my relationship with my son.

Wishing you the very best of luck!! (((hugs)))
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Ladyshfr Nov 2018
I'm trying to deal with the heartbreak of my separation. I do believe that the Lord and my father's angel are by my side helping me. My Mom always said that the Lord put us on this earth for our souls to learn specific lessons while we are alive. My deep love for my Mother gives me the strength to get up every morning and be the person I was meant to be.

I've told my husband numerous times that I do not have any feeling for my siblings and will not focus my efforts on them. I know that my siblings will have to answer for their actions one day, but I pray that it is sooner rather than later. I will continue my efforts to be reunited with my Mother because to me that is all that matters.

I am also interested in starting a support group for elder victims and their families here in the mid-west and online. We can help each other and maybe create friendships. If you know of anyone that could benefit please pass along.

Thank you for your support.
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Be the best mother that you can be right now to your own children. Focus on that.
Seeing your Mom is not happening anytime soon today, or even this month maybe.
But just around the corner.....things will be changing.

Do not miss this time with your children. Be their Mom so they won't be writing us how they lost their Mom to despair over her own Mom.

Did your Mom teach you how to be a good mother? Then, do that, everyday.
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Ladyshfr Nov 2018
I pray everyday that my Mom will have a good day. My Mother taught me to be a kind, generous, loving person. I do try to be the best wife and mother for my family. I believe the love and bond that I share with my husband and children have saved me from spiraling completely out of control.

Thank you.
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Hmmmm. You know, most NHs are so overstaffed, I doubt anyone will even notice you. Just show up and say, "I'm here to see Mrs. X. I'm her daughter." I'd imagine there is a 90% likelihood the receptionist will let you in. Show up during meal time and head into the dining room. Just go try. You don't need permission. Just be very calm and polite.

Good luck!
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Ladyshfr Nov 2018
This nursing home is working with my siblings. I do not want to go to the facility as I've been warned that the police would be called even though there is not any order of protection in place. I do not want to put my Mother through that too. You would not believe how sneaky and underhanded the staff is there. I've been told that my half-brother, his children, my aunt, myself and my children are all on a restricted list and they ask for names whether you call or visit.

I feel hopeless as every effort I've made to be reunited with Mom has been fruitless. I will continue my fight legally and I may feel hopeless now, but my deep love for my Mother will not let me give up. My Mother is my angel on earth.

Thank you.
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Your situation is unique as it is entangled in legal, emotional loss and grief from losing your relationship, and further, distress with siblings.

If your therapist is not helping you with that, find a new therapist. It would be the therapist who knows of support groups, imo.

Instead of a support group, I think you need a professional to confide in. You may not be in a good place to be supporting others in a group at this time. Add the group members pain and if you take that on, it can cause you added stress and pain. Can you see a therapist twice a week for awhile?

Why would you need a probate attorney if Mom is still alive?

You may need an attorney to protect your Mom. However, you may need a separate attorney to protect yourself. Are there any criminal charges being filed against you? Can you take a friend with you at appointments? Is there anyone that you trust?

No one can predict the future and say that you will never see your Mom again.
That is just false, a lie. Throw that lie out, and start again. Given time.....there can be reconciliation. There are even attorneys who specialize in mediation.
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Ladyshfr Nov 2018
I like my therapist and believe therapy may help over time. I wouldn't be in therapy if Mom was in my life. I was looking for a support group that understands my situation. I can talk with friends, but I don't want to burden them with my constant despair. The despair is overwhelming. I cry everyday to my husband and my children see it. I know it's not healthy, but my anguish is unbearable.

A probate attorney files guardianship cases for the elderly. A contested guardianship fees are anywhere from $5,000 - $20,000 and I may not prevail. I have not done anything criminal to warrant any criminal charges.

I understand that no one can predict the future. I feel hopeless as every effort I've made to be reunited with Mom has been fruitless. I may feel hopeless now, but my deep love for my Mother will not let me give up. My Mother is my angel on earth.

Thank you.
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I've found that elder services does nothing after repeated calling & going there. I'm in the exact same situation & my mom won't speak to me either because I'm at odds with brother. I've contacted a lawyer as no one will do anything even though they can see manipulation & undue influence.
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Ladyshfr Nov 2018
I'm so very sorry. I contacted both APS and a probate lawyer. I have to wait on the slow process of APS and if you do not have $$$ the court system doesn't help. I was told a contested guardianship would cost $10,000 - $20,000 and my Mom still may not want to see me (brainwashing / undue influence). I've heard that my siblings are saying negative things about me to Mom. When I spoke with APS over the negative remarks they told me that in no uncertain terms am I to speak about that to Mom (if I ever get a change to speak with her again). I've spoken to priests, lawyers, etc. that stated I'm in a "lose/lose" situation. Their last comments then are "good luck".

I'm just trying to seek a person, people, group that I can talk to and maybe develop a friendship and help one another move forward and overcome despair.
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I do not know of such a support group. If you are still working, see if your company has an Employee Assistance Program. They may help you find counseling. Your situation sounds very painful. You are doing the right thing looking for support.
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Ladyshfr Nov 2018
I am in therapy and I'm trying to pull my self together for my husband and children. It would be nice to have someone that has been ripped away from an elderly loved one to talk and support each other. I was talking to a friend and she asked how I was doing. I responded that I bury my despair so that my husband and children don't have to see me falling apart everyday. I breakdown everyday when I'm alone, in my car, in my office at work. My Mother and I always had a special relationship. We talked daily and saw each other a lot. Being separated is truly unbearable.
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Hugs. I didn't mean to offend you and I'm sorry if I did.

Because you're an adult, with a family and children of your own; and because your wider family's situation is unusual (it won't be entirely unique, but there won't either be an exact match); it's hard to know where to suggest. My guess would be that *most* (not you, I understand that) adult children who are prevented from having access to a parent have backgrounds to their story that you yourself would find it hard to accept, let alone have much common ground with.

It's also hard because you don't know how long this is going to go on. It won't be forever. There may be painful adjustments to be made, but from the point of view of your mother's welfare - unless there's something significant we don't know about - it can't be policy to deprive her of contact with you for good.

Does anything help? Are you writing to her, or keeping a journal?
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Ladyshfr Nov 2018
Thank you. I have been told that I will never see my Mother again. I've called the facility and written to my Mom. The facility doesn't let me talk to her and I don't know if my siblings are keeping my cards and letters. My children are turned away at the door too.

When my Mother was healthy we had disagreements, but we never fought or stopped speaking to one another. When Mom was released from the hospital I wanted to help her recover and live a "normal" life ( doing all the things she loved that she was capable of doing). I miss the everyday things we did like talking about our day, making dinner together, helping my son with school work, shopping, going to church, etc. I just want to be there for her and create new memories.

It's very hard getting through each day without her. I wake up missing her her, think about what she maybe doing throughout the day, and pray for her before I go to sleep. I'm consumed by despair.
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Help one another move forward, or reinforce one another's sense of hurt and injustice?

I'm really sad to read this ladyshfr, not because you don't have every right to look for whatever support you need - of course you do - but because I'm afraid you might not realise that we do support you. We just don't necessarily agree that what you're thinking of doing will get you the result you want.

What's happened over the last couple of weeks? Have you had any luck asking for a supervised visit with your mother, for example?
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Ladyshfr Nov 2018
No, I have not. The department stated that they's try to set up a mediation with Mom, but I haven't heard and no responses to my messages. I'm looking for a support group that know how it feels to be separated from a family member that you had a close bond. I see mother's and daughters out in the world living their lives and I think to myself that could be my Mom and I going to the grocery store, taking a walk, playing games, watching sports, etc. I can talk to the people around me, but I feel that I'm bring down the mood, so I keep my despair bottled up inside. I'm looking for help, someone to talk to that knows the feeling of being separated from a parent. I'm trying to help myself so that I don't destroy myself, husband, and children. I'm not looking for anyone to agree with me. I'm looking for some helpful advice.
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