I’ve only recently turned 18 and just graduated high school. All my life I have studied so hard, and I have got the highest grades possible, with a good university I've applied to.
In just the last 2 years of my schooling, both my parents have become sick, with my mother passing away of cancer last year and my father becoming increasingly sick with progressive heart disease.
I'm so scared for what to do. I don't have any relatives living in my country and I'm an only child. My dad is slowly becoming incapable of managing home duties (bank matters, groceries, taxes, etc.) and I don't know how I'll be managing anything. To top it off, my family is quite poor (which is why I studied hard to give my family a future).
I don’t know what to do. There is so much to do and so little time, I don't even know where to begin. I've been cooking all the food these last 7 months and having to clean up after my father's accidents (vomiting, inability to control bowel). It's so tiring. He's even starting to yell at me and ordering me around like a servant. It doesn't help that my father is narcissistic, and we've never had a good relationship.
I have been in close contacts with doctors, nurses, on his situation; but sometimes it’s all so confusing. They say his situation isn't looking to good, so I'll have to keep caring for him until they update me on what's the next plan for him regarding treatment, etc.
I just hope I won't have to give up my future. Life's only just begun and its already going so wrong :(
I randomly came across this forum, and I'm happy I did. Everyone here seems to have so much empathy and kindness for each other and I really relate with the experiences shared here.
Sorry for the long post and thank you to anyone that replies to this post.
Have a good day.
“He worked really hard to give me the life I have now” – however hard he worked, it wasn’t all for your benefit. Don’t believe a word of it. And the ‘life you have now’ is absolute sh*t.
“The last time he was admitted to hospital they discharged him within 2 days of basic checkup saying he is "all ok" but I don't buy it”. You don’t ‘buy it’ because that is not how he is behaving to you. If the doctors are correct (why wouldn't they be?) and he has just tossed in the towel, aged in his 40s, you don’t have to pick it up.
I don’t know where in Australia you are, or where you came from, but you should have more resources (for YOU, not for him) than you have found so far. Australian school terms and years don’t end mid-calendar year, they end in December. ????? So far as I know all schools in all states have school counselors. Certainly all Universities have student services like this. There should be an Association for the country you came from, which can point you in the direction of support. If he goes back to hospital, make sure you see a social worker. This is not a battle to fight on your own, particularly since you have just lost your mother and you seem to have been brainwashed throughout your childhood. You really really need to toughen up yourself, and to get more support.
I'm sorry to be the one to tell you but you have a high school diploma. That is not 'studying hard to give my family a future'. Your days of hard study (if that's the route you're planning on going) have not even started yet.
When I was around your age, younger in fact I left school to get a job. My parents were irresponsible people and I had a younger sibling and a mother who had to be brought up. Then I got married at 18 to my first husband. I don't regret that, not for one second he was a good guy. What I do regret is that I allowed taking responsibility for other people's needs to hold me back. I would have excelled in any career I chose.
I spent my 20s, 30s, 40s, on the lowest rung of the healthcare ladder. As a CNA/caregiver. I took classes here and there when I could find them and eventually became an APCNA (Advanced Practice CNA) which is the equivalent to being an LPN in most states only way cheaper.
Now I own and operate a homecare agency and I am stuck in the office today (and on a Sunday) because I have a POA/family member who wants to do a consultation today at noon. I don't love this work. In fact I don't even like it. I'm grateful for the money and fr not having to do the hands-on caregiving anymore.
Think about that. Do you want to be my age (50) and just feel grateful in your professional life like I do? You won't be young forever and now is the time to get your education. While you are young and have the stamina to get it.
Forget about your father, and your needy family, and everyone else. You have to make your own life. Don't miss your chance to. You can't take care of your father and go to school. He can get put in a nursing home if he's as sick as you say. Or he can have homecare do for him.
As for him treating you like a servant. That stops today. Yes, he is sick but that does not give him a right to treat you abusively. So put him in his place.
Good luck to you.
i'm living in australia now, pretty big time difference haha 😅i think usually he would be sent to some type of care under a nurse? but currently the doctors believe he is not "sick enough" to be admitted to hospital (like his condition is not as serious and it can be waited out, treatments and whatnot can be taken slow with no urgency) whereas i believe he's not well enough to be at home - i mean he can't even look after himself with basic things like going to the toilet and eating on time.
the last time he was admitted to hospital they discharged him within 2 days of basic checkup saying he is "all ok" but i don't buy it. its like they have no sense of urgency despite him having heart failure.
Once in the ER tell them your father is no longer safe at home and needs thorough mental and physical evaluation. Tell them you are 18 and unable to are for him. Ask to speak to Social Worker at once.
If you feel incapable of doing this call your local APS (Adult Protective Services) and tell them the same thing.
Your Dad may now need guardianship of the state and placement in care where you can visit as his loving son, not as an unqualified caregiver. He will go in on Medicaid, which the Social Workers will have to handle application for. You will help them with finding any paperwork you can lay hands on.
So sorry. This is quite tragic. But were you not there your father would likely be already in care.
NO one else can force you to do anything that you don't want to do. and at your very young age, caring for you father should be the very last thing on your agenda.
You deserve to have your own life and get the schooling and job you desire.
I'm sure in your country there are other options for your fathers care and you just need to make his doctors aware that you will be going off to college, and that you CANNOT be responsible for his care.
If your father was any kind of a good father, he would want what is best for you and for you to get the education needed so you can have a good career and life.
Please don't give up your life for a man who you say you never had a good relationship with just because he donated his sperm for you to be here.
You deserve SO much better!!
thank you so much for the response :)
This is not your job, your job is to be 18. If you weren't born what world your dad be doing.
I am curious as for more about your dad's health conditions.
Hopefully others though out the day have some good suggestions for you. Because I'm not sure, I just didn't want your post to go unanswered.
Welcome to are forum. Hope we can all help you figure this out
1) Does he give you a roof over your head? Does he own the house, or is it rented? Is there anywhere else you could live, and afford? You are in a gap between school and University, but each of them should have a student advice service. Try both! You need to work out what resources you can access.
2) You say that the medicos you are in touch with, say that YOU will “have to keep caring for him until they update me on what's the next plan for him”. Leaving you with the problem is their easiest option, but it isn’t true. You DON’T have to keep caring for him. If you don’t, they (or some other agency) will have to work out a plan for him. Their sympathy isn’t helping you one tiny little bit. You can just walk out – and that’s why it’s important for you to know where you can walk to, even if you don’t go. Tell them that’s what you are looking at doing. His behavior to you is bad and getting worse, leaving seems to be your best option. Ask them for their proposals for when you leave. So far they haven’t even needed to think about it. You need to act tough, even if that's not how you feel.
3) Your father is “starting to yell at me and ordering me around like a servant”. I’m sure that you care about your father and know only too well how difficult things have been for him. However taking his problems out on you is HIS easiest option too. The chances are that his behavior to you will get worse, not better. Don’t go along with making it worse. Just walk out of the room if he is not grateful and respectful. Don’t try and argue or justify yourself, because it won’t work. Just leave. Make sure that bad behavior on his part makes things worse for HIM. It’s important that good behavior is clearly in HIS best interests.
That’s enough for now. I'm in Australia, which is why you get this answer quickly. More should follow. Please come back to say whether (and how) this helps at all. Love, Margaret
yes, the house is in his name, he is currently renting. and yeah, you are right i need to learn how to stand my ground more, i kind of just go along with what everyone says right now cause honestly i don't even know what i'm doing, the days feel like a blur and theres a lot 😥
the last point you made was also really true.
thank you for the advice, i actually found it quite helpful <3
hope you have a lovely day
And now added to that very tragic circumstance you are experiencing the crisis of your father’s sudden severe illness, at an extremely crucial time for you (beginning your studies at university).
It’s OK if you’re not comfortable mentioning what country you are in, but my first thought is what would normally happen to your father in your country if he had no child or other close relative? Are there nursing homes, visiting nurses, any sort of safety net of care he would have access to? Could his doctor or his or her office staff point you toward those options, if they exist? Does your father receive any sort of welfare or disability assistance that might pay for help for him? How secure is your and his housing?
It’s late here in the US where most of the forum members live but I hope you will get more suggestions and support as the day wears on.
I don’t want you to miss out on building your future!