My mother is living with me. She has a caregiver come in 4 times a week and it is no longer enough. I don't want to lose my inheritance paying for her care. Any ideas on an inexpensive way to get home care for her?

"Our parents do not owe us an inheritence" Its their money for their care!

my husband has AD also. four years now. How have you determined he is in the final stages?
I have read alot and also talked to doctor but no one can give me an answer.

I chose my sanity over any money. I would rather that my parents spend every dime of their money getting the kind of care they need from someone else. There is no way that I could take care of my Mother, who molested me when I was little, even though she is in the final stages of Alzheimer's. My parents are pillars of the church community and would not be suspected of being anything but perfect parents. They have destroyed enough of my life.

I think the best way to care for our parents is to take care of them ourselves. I have found there is nothing hard about caregiving. Except it does take over your own life! But if your goal is to save money, then that is the way to go. Either have your parent move in with you or vis versa! I moved back in with mom 10 years ago and I have been here ever since! The bad part about it is, you feel like you are waiting for someone to die, to have a life again!

Thanks Igloo...I'm not sure I understand all of what you wrote, but I'll keep reading until I do!

An answer such as igloo572's is why I signed up to be a part of this community. I love when people know their stuff and know how to communicate it well. Thank you, igloo, for a very educational course on Medicaid and MERA.

Phagger, the state cannot "force" you to sell any property that your mother has as qualified homestead while she is alive. The only way the state can require a sale is if when she applies for Medicaid the property equity is over $ 500,000 and she meets all the other medicaid qualifications (she has under the 2,000K or 2,200 or whatever the ceiling for mo assets are in her state).
Otherwise she can keep the home and qualify.

It sounds like you are at the point where she will have no real income. If your mom goes on Medicaid, you really have to be prepared to pay for everything related to her home as all her $$ except $ 60 a month goes to her care. Only you can determine what that amount is and if it is feasible to pay for years and years for keeping the "home place".

What seems to happen is that at first the family wants to keep mom's house, mom wants to keep the house. Then after a few thousand $$ spent on an old house in a bad real estate market and the increased cost of care, and differences in the family,the house gets sold. The good part is there is money to pay for future costs like funeral, burial, with the sale.

If you get your mom on Medicaid and she still has the house,
MERA - Medicaid estate recovery act - goes in ONLY after they die. Although a lien is place on the property when she applies for Medicaid. You sign a document in the stack that says you are aware of that. The state does not have to go to the courthouse and file a lien or send you a notice or post on the house. The recovery happens when you try to complete probate after her death. In Texas, you have 4 years to submit initially for probate. Probate in most states can go on just about forever. If there aren't assets that people need to deal with (like a mortgage on the house or other secured debt) and you are executor, then you can leave it open. If you have patience,
running probate long can work in your favor to get the house.

Also the property must be accessed thru probate court by MERA. If you put ownership of the property so that it transfers outside of probate, MERA can't get it. If you really want mom's place you might look into having it willed outside of probate.

If your mom should go onto Medicaid, the state will track the amount paid. It is really, really important that you keep track of what Medicaid is "paying" for as it often is wrong. For example, my mom is on Medicaid and has Medicare also has a federal BCBS as a secondary policy. So say she gets a $ 200 lab bill: medicare pays $50 and normally Medicaid zero's out the rest (at whatever rate the provider has negotiated). So the Medicaid tab tallied to her would be $ 150. But since she has BCBS who pays next, Medicaid is zero. It gets really important to keep track of this.

You need to keep track of the expenses you paid. Whatever monies you spend right now that keeps her from going onto Medicaid (like home health aids, LVN's) can all be deducted from the final Medicaid tally. Same for taxes, insurance and maintenance costs on her homestead - all that can be filed as a reinbursable against the final Medicaid tally. But you have to document this & keep records, receipts and cancelled checks.

I think MERA requires an initial filing within 60 days of death. I'm sure this has to do an initial review as to whether MERA is worthwhile doing - most states hire independent companies to do MERA & not state employees. The gal who did the Medicaid intake for us @ my mom's LTC said she knew of only about a dozen MERA recoup's done and were homes over 400K or they were dialysis patients.

Remember the recoup is only when you transfer or sell the property after death. If the property is worth 80K and you can show you paid 50K in her care and home upkeep and she has no other assets then the most they can get is 30K less the 5% of the total estate (4K) to you as executor less the court costs. So maybe 23K to MERA. That might not be worth MERA's time to do or you pay the 23K. Either way you end up with the home.

Everyone's situation is different. Good luck.


The attorney you saw probably wasn't a specialist in elder law in your state. This makes a huge difference in my experience. You may want to see one before you give up your job and income to take care of mom 24/7. Say you make 40K a year and you pay 20K a year from that to pay for care for mom at your home and then eventually she needs to go to skilled nursing. But the care you paid for kept her from SNF for 1 year. Then that 20K can be deducted from the final MERA tally that will be placed against her home. And at the same time you are earning points towards your social security and other retirement income. A good elder care attorney looks at not just what your mom's financial situation is but also yours and your families in how it can be structured for the best benefit over the long term of both you and your mom. Good luck.

I don't recall signing up to do this as a way to guarantee cash after the fact. We do this because we believe in our hearts that this is the right thing to do, out of respect, and love for our elders. I, like many others, left my career and headed into the unknown where the only paycheck is that occasional glimpse of the person we used to know. We've given up vacations, "me"time, designer purses and shoes, for a 24/7 job, a shower when we can swing one, sweats and crocs have become our uniform. And although it's frustrating, sometimes depressing and isolating, it's the most rewarding "job" we'll ever do. If you're in it for the inheritance, then you should not only be ashamed of yourself, but rethink if you are the person she needs to be with right now.

I just lost my dad, two weeks ago to colon cancer, and my mom not two years ago to a double stroke. I am an only.....I cannot say I don't fear.....neither was expected. I understand all answers as no person/no family is the same.........we are all only humans....one last thing, no matter how much they seem to aggravate you, remember, when they are gone, you can no longer call them or talk with them.........I talked to my mom and dad before dying........I had learned to give my permission to transition by the time it came to my dad......I talked to him for a long time.........I was his girl.......he was my pal/super hero forever....what was stated in our talk that he needed was my letting go, so that he could transition to God, Heaven and My Mom. Yes, it hurts, but I did not want him to hurt in this life again......God Bless You All!

I'm new to this site but joined in hopes I might find answers to some of my caregiving questions and challenges! While I agree with all those who say our parents raised us and gave us a good life, at the same time why must we be satisfied with allowing the high costs of care to take everything they worked for all their lives? Hind sight is 20/20 of course and I've about determined that I've waited too late to make sure Mom doesn't lose what little she does have. She lives with me and I hope to be able to continue that, but I am also to the point where I am now going to need help in doing so. She has a little money left in the bank and her home. That home is my inheritance, to be passed down to me, the same as her parents passed it down to her and yes, I feel very strongly about "losing my inheritance"! What cash she has won't last 4 months paying for private inhome help, my husband and I can't afford to pay for it once hers is gone, therefore I would need to leave my job which puts another burden on our finances. Mom knew, herself a few years ago that she was on the beginning edge of dementia and gave me durable power of attorney. She made it very clear at the time to the attorney that she didn't want anything to happen to her "home place", but he told her it wouldn't matter if she titled it to me then because the state could still force us to sell if she went in to a nursing home. Now I'm learning there is a 5 year window, so he was wrong! I had no plans of ever using a nursing home and still don't, but I'd like to be able to get some help in caring for her here without having to give up everthing in order to do it!

Have you check to see if you qualify for assistants from her insurance, local aging or even a live in where student is going to school for nursing lives with you for small pay and room & board( food ) this way you have someone at home everyday to assist you. Good luck I moved my unemployed son 30 yrs old in with Mom and Me. Until he started working again he was great with his grandma and even got a job working as caregiver for a gentleman we knew who need assistant after a stroke. So someone may be right under your nose that can help , you have to look at all options. Church, work, even another family member. Good Luck God Bless

It's sad that money comes into it.I had to sell my Mothers home to pay for her care,My father had asked me to make sure she would be ok,he died 10 years ago.I am an only child,and the house was my inheritance,but my mum was more important.She took care of me,now its my turn.You cant take it with you.
I dont regret it one bit,sad question.

Our parents do not owe us anything when they die!! They took care of us when we needed it and now it is our turn. my sister and I took care of our 97 year old mother, in her home, and yes we had other brothers and sisters but they were "to busy"
to help. and we also had a family of our own we took care of but, she died at her home with only my sister and I with her.
I did not get and inheritance and did not want one. she gave me all I wanted when I was little LOVE. FORGET ABOUT THE MONEY AND SPEND TIME WITH HER WHILE YOU HAVE HER.

You should be commended for providing a home for your Mom. It is impossible to put a price tag on companionship, meals, transportation, and a comfortable environment. You have done a wonderful thing for her that certainly not everyone can do or would WANT to do. You deserve much credit.

If any of you are in the Tacoma, WA. area and are in need of a cargiver for your parent/loved on. I am available! My last assignment just ended. Thank you, Cynthia Powell I can be reached thru my website address www.dogtreatbakery.org that is my home based business.

ics , thank you ! i always see the bumper stickers that the elders put on thier car im spending my kids inhertance money . i think i ll be doing that lol .
ah maybe not , may have to scrimp and save and be the wise one if my kids dont get greedy , damn i f u do damn if u dont .

hardebeck - I hope your kids keep you in fine style!! :-)

My Mom and Dad were able to save money living on a small pension and social security. They lived a simple life but all their needs were met. Dad is now gone and Mom is in a nursing home. She never wanted her savings to be used for herself, which I repeatedly told her, that is what it is for. She did not have long term care insurance so untli government aide becomes available, expenses are paid out of pocket. I saw the need to hire a lawyer specializing in Elder care and Trusts and we had the savings put into a trust for Mom. The money is now protected from Probate upon her death, and it is not considered an asset. I do have the ability to access the money when needed. Mom can no longer make decisions for herself and I handle all things financial. She is not happy about it, but I have no other alternative at this time. My suggestion, if you have not already done so, is to hire a good elder care lawyer and get a good financial advisor and see what your options are. It was worth the cost to secure Mom's financial future during her time of need. IMO inheritance is overrated. Statisics point out that no matter how big or little the inheritance is, it will be spent in about 9 months. Like my husband just said, parents do not want to be a burden on their children, that is why they saved their money. A lesson that is lost on youth today.

I would encourage you to check with your local Area Agency on Aging... They have some caregiver funds to help.

Exactly! Make your own money. My situation is a little different. I have been helping to pay bills for years. So I plan on staying in the house. Which when there are silbings, it can get complicated.

Really????....I want my Mom to use all of her funds on herself....for her care or anything she may want. I would be embarassed to worry about an inheritance and allow my Mom to not get the best care available.

Yes, I understand. My mother got sick over 10 years ago when I was still in my 30s. I have been taking care of her and working as a part time caregiver ever since. I will be 50 in August. It is rather depressing. I also have a small business I run from home. I think we had might as well forget about social security anyway, by the time I get to be able to collect it, I don't think there will be anything left.

I know my in-laws and my mom and dad hoped that they would give us an inheritance when they passed on, just like I hope we will be able to give our 3 boys an inheritance. However, all of my MIL and FIL's money went to their care. The main thing is that they get the care they deserve, whether that's from you or or someone else. I quit my job and have been caring for my Mom since last June. I sometimes get a little worried because i know this is affecting my Social Security payments. But I think it is important to just live in the present and not think about the money part of it.

parent saved up so much money is for thier old age . theyre the wise ones . now kids comes along and started to get greedy is not the wise one . that money is not for ur needs , it is for ur elders needs .
when i get old i wont have any money saved up . i ll be using my kids money :-) ....

Does she have a will? If so, or if not, and she is in her right mind, and you are basic caretaker, make a durable power of attorney. You will not loose your rights this way. If you are not executor on a present will, add a codicil with the durable stating you are the sole caretaker doing all responsibilities. As long as your mother can sign or make an x it is legal......

Quote " I don't want to lose my inheritance. Any ideas?"

So is this ? really all about you and your future.......

Yes, one of the reasons people save for their old age is so money will be there in case they need extra medical care. What was the point of all that saving by your parents if they cannot use it on themselves in their time of need?

Can you quit your job and stay home and take care of her? I have been taking care of my mother for over 10 years now. I work part-time and have a home based business. I work as a caregiver, if you need help, we can exchange telephone numbers.

You might also genetically inherit the same health issues your mother is suffering with today, or worse. What would you want your children to do given the same circumstances?

Without more information, it's a little hard to answer your question. Long-term care insurance can cover in-home visits - is that already set up and being used for the 4x? Not knowing what you have in place with the visits - have you contacted Visiting Nurse Association about additional check-ups? The inheritance comment is a little confusing - if your parent has money now, it should theoretically be used for her care since inheritance doesn't really come into consideration until someone is dead. If there is money for an inheritance in your mother's name now, it will reduce money available through state programs at low or no cost that might help your mother. If there is an Aging Care Agency in your area, you can contact them to see if there are programs that your parent qualifies for.