A strange question but I think a valid one. My aged father is consumed with Catholic guilt as he's getting nearer to the end of his days. He talks constantly about the end of the world and predictions of The Blessed Virgin and how we're all sinners. I'm a practicing Catholic but I'm no way as obsessed as he is. He drives my siblings mad to the point where they either lose their temper at him, or just not talk to him.
Is this a dementia thing?
My mom is a devout Catholic living in a Catholic Assited Living facility. The events of 2020 have convinced her that we are indeed now in the end times. The clergy there have encountered this often amongst the residents recently and attempt to provide comfort. It is a good suggestion above that if the priest is able to see your dad or at least call and provide some reassurance that may help.
It was difficult for all the residents at my mom's place as they could not attend daily mass due to being on lockdown. She finally figured out the in house video mass they did daily and watches a lot of EWTN.
The interruption of their previous daily routine and inability to see family has made their already small world, smaller and she focuses on negative things like that. It's hard not to be obsessed and draw conclusions. All the news is so negative. I've had to take a few news breaks myself.
The priest there suggested that she say an extra rosary or two and the reciting of it does seem to calm her down but I imagine if your dad is devout he probably is already doing that. The priest at her place suggested that we call her and say the rosary with her over the phone and despite hearing challenges she likes that. I am not such a good Catholic girl anymore but I have found it soothing also.
Blessings to you and your dad. I hope he finds some comfort and reassurance and that you do as well. Those are difficult conversations to have with a parent.
I know an older woman who is like your dad.
She constantly talks about Jesus, Mary, Joseph and all of the angels and saints!
I decided to ask her why she constantly spoke about religious topics.
I was curious what motivated her to speak endlessly about religion.
I listened without judging her. I was surprised to find out her reason for her obsession.
Her faith was a great comfort to her but she wasn’t at peace. She was desperately trying to settle things in her heart.
She was afraid to die. She was riddled with guilt about what she perceived as grievous ‘sins’ that she committed.
She had been divorced. I knew that she was abused in her marriage.
I explained that the church did not frown on people who left a marriage due to abuse.
I encouraged her to speak to a priest to learn how things stand now in the church.
A long time ago things were handled differently in all religions.
Divorce was frowned upon. Other things were too.
I think sometimes older people get stuck in mindsets from the past.
Sometimes people are fanatics. Was your dad always like this or is it a new behavior?
It is always a good idea to check if there are medical reasons for certain behaviors.
Best wishes to you and your dad.
Im running out of patience with him.
This morning because it was overcast and looking like rain, he said the world is coming to an end, and to tell you the truth right now, I wish it would. In answer to your question, he hasn't always been this fanatical, it's been in the last 5 years and since my mother died 2 years ago, much worse. I know he's grieving and missing her and I'm sorry about this but we all lost her, and her life with him.was not always easy.
If it wasn't for my very caring and generous husband, there's no way I could cope with him.
Anyway sorry for the vent. I'm.doing that a lot lately, and thank you
I am not Catholic but I know when your Dad was growing up the religion was much stricter. My Aunt was married in 1958 and had to get permission to marry my Protestant Uncle and have her Protestant BF stand with her. My Uncle had to sign something saying my cousins would be raised Catholic.
Maybe Dad needs to hear that God forgives. God realizes we are not perfect and never will be. As long as we are aware of our shortcomings, we strive to be better, we ask God to forgive us and mean it, to me thats all God asks of me. We learn thru our mistakes and hopefully are better for them.
I am divorced. God gave me a good man the second time around. We've been married 40 yrs.
Since your Dad is a Catholic I would go to his local Parish and ask your most kind Priest to come and visit with him. They would have a good conversation, I would think. You could also probably help by reading him the more beautiful passages from the bible, those that are uplifting, and of joy. Try to steer his belief toward the positive messages given.
Most of my nursing career was spent at a Catholic Hospital where we had a roving Nun on the floors at all time. She was a marvelous woman, salt of the earth and both feet on the ground. She was such a comfort to ALL patients, but most of all to those suffering from religiosity combined with mental illness. A marvelous soul she was, and full of gentle humor. I saw her presence calm many a troubled soul.
Antidepressant and antianxiety medication did wonders for her and gave her peace at the end of her life.
He’s seriously misguided in his beliefs. It’s very sad.
I don’t know if you can convince him of anything because he has dug his heels in. He believes what he believes or he doesn’t know what he doesn’t know!
You know the truth and I think it is wonderful that you aren’t influenced by his belief system which is not only inaccurate but destructive to him and works on your last nerve.
By the way, your husband sounds like a gem!
Vent all you like. We understand how you feel and can empathize with you.
Most of us know people who have the same attitude that your father has.
It’s a shame that he is so close minded. I truly feel that this is his core personality according to the information that you offered but I also believe that cognitive decline makes the situation worse.
What are your feelings on him taking medications to possibly help control his emotions about certain subjects?
Would he consider taking medication to ease his anxiety?
He has been fasting x2 days a week for penance for a while now and has lost a fair bit of weight. Yesterday he passed out after a walk, so I'm concerned that his blood pressure is very low and his potassium levels are low also.
Some of these include food rules about fasting and abstaining from certain foods on certain days. She certainly didn’t adhere to them pre-dementia.
Some of it may be due to memory issues, but some of it, to me, is about exerting control over her uncooperative body.
I wish you the best.
My mother on the other hand, has always had what I'd call a "spirited" personality, but now she's a really cranky old woman who has nonetheless earned the right to be crabby. She's a lot to take, though, and I'm thankful every day for her caregivers who still think she's a hoot even when she's flipping them the bird.
Not to say that religious faith is annoying, but it seems that it's your dad's most intensely ingrained personality trait, so here he is with it getting more and more amplified as he gets older and closer to death.
I have no real advice for you, except to consider going toe-to-toe with him once in a while and challenging his statements. Tell him that the world ends for everyone eventually, and that's the "end of the world" as far as you're concerned. (That's the explanation I choose to believe at least.) If he's not suffering from dementia where you can't reason with him in any way, I'd say you should call him on some of his stuff. I think he's looking to be comforted, and perhaps you just need to offer some reassurance in firm statements that God is watching out for him and forgives him for his sins.
See, my Dad reckons he's been a rotten person for most his life, and while I don't argue with that, he's also been an.incredibly kind and compassionate father and husband to my Mum and us 3 kids.
But now his memory is very bad, his hearing is worse and his ability to do the simplest things he was once so good at, he was so smart, is now gone.
It's very sad.
Mom had been prescribed antidepressant meds post stroke while in acute rehab. Her geri psych (the one she saw in Independent Living) had long recommended them, but mom said no.
I signed off on the initial meds as Health Care Proxy during the time she was in rehab and I don't recall that anyone asked mom what she wanted after that.
Possibly technically unethical, but I would have done anything to stop mom wringing her hands and raising her BP.
Her dad’s struggle with religion is deeply effected by his mental health issues.
Nothing is registering in his mind. He’s stuck in gear. He could probably find relief with the right meds.
As people age, they OFTEN become just 'more' like themselves. Deeply religious people often cling to the one thing that gives them hope, esp as the face death. The ? as to whether or not there's anything after 'this' is one of the greatest human conditions.
I hope you can get your dad to calm down--perhaps with meds and talking to his priest. I don't know how confession 'works'--can you do a blanket confession or does it need to be specific, b/c that would be impossible!
I daresay your dad is a sweetie and is bringing guilt upon himself that he doesn't need to suffer.
Sometimes I challenge him but usually i either listen or time out when he goes on about the same thing every day.
I would guess it’s fear of dying with no tangible proof that our souls go somewhere after we die. Maybe he’s looking for comfort and certainty that he will wind up meeting St. Peter.
Mother Teresa was supposedly possessed by the devil towards the end of her life and had an exorcism. I think it was fear of the unknown, but who am I to say. https://www.theguardian.com/world/2001/sep/07/lukeharding
Maybe say, “Oh, that’s interesting” when he starts up. That acknowledges he has the right to his opinion. No need to say much else.
I have noticed my parents (& me as well) calm down when we say the rosary together watching it on EWTN or saying it along on a YouTube video with a rosary in hand. They’re upset the next day, but it makes them say the rosary again.
Good luck!
My grandmother had a bit of that when she would obsess about a family falling out that was decades old - and resolved! She was still mad at the people who she thought did her dirt. I tried reminding her of the last time she saw those family members and how they had a lovely time together. I also reminded her that she needed to let her anger go and forgive them. Eventually, I would remind her that "we decided to forgive them" and change the subject or try to divert her attention to another activity.
Your father is having similar "stuck thoughts" about his "guilt", about the end of (his life) world, and whatever beliefs that go with these thoughts. Since your father is Catholic, I suggest he have some regular sessions talking with his priest of a counsellor from his parish. The priest or counsellor can get him to discuss whatever he feels guilt about, pray together, and record that your father is a forgiven man in Christ. Having something that your father can focus on that reminds him that he is forgiven and has a wonderful eternity waiting for him may help with his fears.
If your father is having a lot of anxiety and agitation, as many folks with later stages of dementia do, he may benefit from a prescription for a mild anti-anxiety medication. It will help him to relax and may loosen this fear of guilt.
Best wishes to you and your family
Don't hesitate to call your church secretary to arrange for
an appointment.
You might try changing the subject to something else he takes interest in or turning on a TV program he likes.
When my dad gets fixated on sad memories, and he will, I talk to him about golf or fishing. He can change the topic quickly and get out of the negative fixation.
Give his hands something to do too. Ask him to fold a stack of smal towels or dust a table. Keep him busy. He will stop fixating so much.
You can also talk to his doctor, perhaps anti depressents can help too. If the talk is constantly end time chatter, he might be depressed.
Hope these suggestions are helpful.
But instead of any negative talk, discuss how much Jesus loves him and remind him of the cross where Jesus gave up his own life to save all of us sinners.
Hsve him pray directly to go for forgiveness of his sins.
Read the Bible to him letting him know if he believes, confess his sins that he will be forgiven.
Rwas about the love of God.
Read to him from the Bible about Heaven and assure him that he's going there because his Jesus already paid the price.
If you're not using Music Therapy, you should play relaxing Christian Music for him.
Tell your siblings to Grow Up...
One day it'll be them lying in bed dying.
Give Love while Dad is still alive.
I'm sure Death is a very scary thing to handle.
Prayers
If your father describes a specific thing for which he feels guilty, ask if he thinks God (or Blessed Virgin or whatever figure is obsessed about) can forgive him for that transgression.
Tailor conversations to a level your father's dementia lets him understand.
These will bring definite spiritual and emotional comfort!!
Blessings to you and your family on this journey.
Once again, you've given some good advice to Nazdrovia. The responses you've given other Caregivers always includes some great answere s and ideas. I am glad you are here for us.
Happy New Year,
John