My dad has been in the hospital for two weeks and I've been here everyday except two days because my husband was really sick. I usually stay anywhere from 9 to 6 hours with him each day and I leave when visiting hours are over. I'm the only family he has here because he lives with my spouse and I. So I've been the only person he's seen that he loves and cares for. It's breaking my heart watching him decline in here and there's nothing I can do. I've felt pretty strong up until today though. I got here at 8:30am and will stay until 6pm but I started to panic and get anxious. I started feeling suffocated and like I had to get out of this room. I think coming here everyday seeing my dad in this condition is becoming too much for me but I'm all he has and I feel if I don't come sit with him everyday he will miss me or feel I abandoned him. I ended up taking 20 minutes to get some fresh air outside and call my mom who was a caretaker for her mother and late husband. I cried to her that I feel guilty if I don't stay in his room with him because what else could possibly be more important at this time....but truth is I'm emotionally drained and this anticipatory grief is taking over my life. Any advice? Is it normal to feel you have to get out of their hospital room? Am I being selfish? How can I get through this without losing my mind over all this?
i haven’t read all your responses. I just came from visiting my LO who is in a SNF .I came away totally overwhelmed with grief that there was not a thing more that I could do for him. He has Alzheimer’s and also is not able to walk or respond legibly . The nurse aid couldn’t wake him to eat. I asked if we could get him back in bed but all the help were feeding patients. So that’s when I just broke down crying. A kind nurse told me that she’ll wheel him to the nurses station and see that he gets into bed because she said they have to use a lift. I left then feeling totally helpless, despondent, and depressed. Today was our anniversary.
Sending you a hug.
Ask to have the chaplain visit daily, take breaks and get some fresh air, visit the chapel.
I joined one of the groups my church has on facebook. A woman does a weekly writing - this week was on grace - giving yourself grace - in other words self forgiveness. You are putting too much pressure on yourself - in such a stressful time.
Hugs and blessings.
I don't mean this to be harsh, but you must be terribly in the way. ICU is not usually set up to accommodate visitors, so unless you're taking on tasks which should really be done by qualified staff I expect they'd much rather you didn't stay so long. You say you feel that your father may miss you or feel abandoned; but has he said or done anything to show you that this is true?
if it isn't too far to come and go, it might be better for everyone if you visited for no more than one hour two or three times a day. Would you be willing to try that for a day or two and see how you feel about it?
I know as the hours tick by, it can feel excrutiating, but just being there is something to savor. You will wish these hard days back in the future.
If you get prescribed meds like so many in your situation, your personality and moods will flatline. You are supposed to be sad now. You will heal and this sorrow now is part of grief a step to your eventual healing.
I flew in to sit with my grandma for her last 18 hours, while she was in a coma and told her every story I could think of. The doctors said they didn’t know whether she was aware that I was there, but at appropriate times in the stories she would squeeze my hand. Now I look back on that day with gratitude for the experience and that I was able to be there for her.
I cared for my parents in my home for their last years and was with them through many hospitalizations, a hospice bounce, and their last moments with zero regret.
Take breaks, but grow stronger.
"Any advice? Is it normal to feel you have to get out of their hospital room? Am I being selfish? How can I get through this without losing my mind over all this?"
Yes, your feelings are normal. Hospital visits are not fun for the person in or the visitor, especially in your situation.
However, you need to grow up in a hurry. You need to take control of your mind and your feelings. Your dad raised you to be a strong person. Now you get to show him his efforts were not wasted. Be there for him in his hour of real need.
Questions: 1. is the prognosis eminent death? If so, get him into Hospice where he wont have all the tubes and machinery and can receive palliative care. 2. If the Doctors --and you--- think your father has a chance of life, then start thinking about the next step in his recovery. 3. Does your father know that you love him? I'll gather it's a YES. SO.... missing a day won't hurt anyone. Missing every other day wouldnt be bad either. 4. does your doctor or nursing staff have a prognosis? They are the ones you must confer with-- right away, and don't be put off. Ask for a case evaluation. (I happen to be a religious Christian. When I was in that situation -several times- I recall the rooms. After awhile you wonder if there is any air coming in. For me, I spent time praying for my loved one --that he have an easy death in his own time; that both he and those who love him would have a sense of peace knowing that he was giong to heaven ---the best place to be. This may not be your road to take. I would also talk to the hospital chaplain--- they are of great comfort if you are religious or not.
Bear up. You are a strong woman. You can make it through this!
This doctor told us that there definitely is a phenomenon known as ICU psychosis. I think he explained that after I commented on all of the beeping machines and how it was sometimes difficult to think clearly.