My husband got so bad about wandering away + taking everything apart + peeing on the floor + the constant food mess he made everyday, he had a bad breakdown and then couldn't even talk. The VA recomended long term care for him in a VA contracted home, I toured the home and it was very nice with caring staff. I finally took him up there after backing out twice, I'm surprised they took him. The next morning the relief I felt was so amazing and I thought shame on you!! Poor guy up there not knowing what's going on. I couldn't help it I was just so tired after taking care of him and now I can go where I want, eat what I want, take a nap, go to bed at night without getting up several times to check on him. I loved him when he was himself, now this child he is now is like a 2 yr. old, there's no reaching him at all. Jesus I'm so sorry but then again I'm so relieved and happy !! Dixie
He wouldn't want you to go down with the ship so to speak, no one wants that for someone they love.
As you said, you loved him when he was himself and that man is sadly gone now.
And that man, wanted you to be happy, so be happy.
Dementia and cancer are both diseases that require medical care.
Don't feel guilty. You are just making sure that your husband gets proper care.
I had to do the same with my mom.
Therefore, after witnessing first hand what goes on in a home and what could be helpful, I wrote a book of stories and tips.
Maybe this will help you. That is why I wrote it.
May you sleep more peacefully now.
https://www.amazon.com/Now-You-Are-HERE-Navigating/dp/B08XFM9NGW/
I am sure that if he was his old self, he would advise you to take this step.
It is truly in his best interest.
my sincere best wishes to you
Big Exhalation. Be kind to yourself. You deserve it.
Peace and blessings on your journey.
There is no shame in also placing him in a place where he will be cared for by people trained in caring for him. Just think about it there will be someone there 24/7 for him by a team of caregivers. I believe what you did was not just for your self preservation but love for your husband.
You are still his caregiver - just in a different mode. You are his advocate making sure his needs are met at his new home.
Now is the time to pamper yourself - a lot. Now when you see him, you will have time to concentrate on him and not his constant needs.
Blessing to you and your husband.
My husband was in the National Guard and doesn't qualify for VA benefits.
I thought there was a possibility Medicaid would cover some of the cost, and they do, but it's not enough to cover the Memory Care facility that I chose. The facility is almost $5,000. per month and I can't deal with the damage to our standard of living.
It might come to something I have to do - because at 83, with health issues, my caregiving duties more and more are beyond my capacity.
Glad you're FREE!!
The answers here were just terrific. Keeping your husband at home was doing no good for either you or him. You have a right to life. It is sad that we cannot just go together at the same time, but that is reality. You made sure it was a good place, that he would be well cared for. You did the best you could to make his life as good as it can be and not destroy your life. That is to be applauded.
I do have a comment, though, kind of from the other side of the situation. I was saddened by "I loved him when he was himself." I have lost my leg six years ago, but I continued to work. I am about 90%-95% self-sufficient; in fact I was still taking care of our son pretty much as always, driving him to school, picking him up, supervision of homework, hanging around, parenting as much as I could. I cannot walk too far and I have a hard time climbing stairs, but I do other things normally. Oh, yes, I also had to have a wheelchair at home. My wife decided three years ago that I was not worth loving anymore and got me out of the house. I have struggled horribly since then, with COVID-19, layoff, whatnot. In your case it became a struggle that neither of you deserved. In my case, I became not useful enough.
What I noticed was that both you and my wife did not hesitate to say "I loved him when he was himself." I certainly love my wife differently than 45 years ago, then 35 years ago, then 20 years ago. Nevertheless, I would never put my love for her in past tense. I may be unfair, but by your words, you put your husband in a nursing home for your convenience; I wonder whether you did so much to place him in a good place more to assuage your (unfounded) guilt than for his sake.
Placing your husband in the nursing home was the right thing for you and for him. No shame there, no embarrassment, no guilt. You did rational, kind thing for both of you. Saying in the past tense that you loved him when he was well, though obviously not any more, that your love for him was done and over with, well, it made me very sad for your husband, and hoping you and I will never meet.
I wish your husband the very best.
I hope she will visit her husband in his new home and be able to just sit with him even if there is no real conversation.
I am so sorry for what happened to you, it wasn't fair.
I know I will feel the same way when the time comes.
It is actually better ! You can visit and enjoy him instead of, as in my case, changing diapers.
Wallow in the luxury!
Sue