Dad died in July 2021 and mom has been in AL now for nearly 5 months. We are selling their home next week. It’s almost empty now. I’ve been so busy as I’ve rushed to go through their stuff, pack up, keep, donate, or throw away, plus doing minor repairs and also keeping track of my mom’s condition as she went back into the hospital recently. I can’t explain how much grief I have about letting go of this home where he lived for so long. I’m feeling like I’m saying the final goodbye to him. On the other hand, I know it’s right to sell. Mom needs the money. And dad would be in complete agreement of selling the house to get the money for her care. I just feel a constant lump in my throat & chest and I keep feeling like crying though I don’t dare let myself weep much right now because too much to do. Everywhere I look I see all the telltale signs of his care for this home. He fixed everything and loved to make little improvements that made things easier for mom. I hated emptying his room, going through things he had used or appreciated having. When he died, I cried a lot. But now it feels really final and my loss feels overwhelming. Has anyone else gone through this? Any advice?
* Allow the tears and grief to come out. Invite it in.
* "Stuffing" feelings in will not support you to move forward - you need to allow this natural process to happen.
* Your psyche and body KNOWS what it needs. Honor what it tells you.
* And, yes, it is hard and difficult.
* You do not need to 'like' or 'want' to have these feelings although it is in your best interest in every way to allow them to 'speak' to you and flow out as they need to. By allowing you/r body and psyche to release as it needs to will give you the energy and space to do what you need to do which is selling her home.
Trust the process.
Trust yourself.
Trust your divinity or your spiritual knowingness (whatever this might mean to you).
* Our feelings 'talk' to us all the time.
* It is up to us to listen (which is a respect, if not appreciation for / of them) by listening and moving through them.
* No guilt here-if you are not ready to allow this process to happen, given yourself compassion for doing all that you are doing. It is important that you give yourself self-care as you can / need to - to keep going.
And, my heart goes out to you during this difficult time.
Gena / Touch Matters
Not sure how to get over the hump, so I'll just start and stop a while longer. Bless you, dear. It's hard to do what you're doing.
I truly understand that grief is different for everyone but I do get concerned about how so many people jump on the ‘psychic’ bandwagon hoping to connect with their loved ones.
There are too many scammers out there looking to make money off of other people’s grief. It’s very sad that people take advantage of vulnerable and grieving individuals.
I dialed my grandma’s phone number getting ready to speak with her like I always did. I was half way through dialing before I realized that she had died. All these years later I still remember grandma’s phone number, address and birthday.
See if you can find a friend or relative to sit or chat with you as you go through this phase.
Take lots of pictures of the house when it is empty and up for sale. Whenever you are feeling blue, look at those pictures. You said that your Dad would be wanting to sell the house for your Mom's care. You are doing what your Dad would have wanted for your Mom. (((HUGS)))
I’m so sorry for your mom’s loss.
I plan to meet up with my parents and hope they will be waiting for me when I arrive. Please listen to the old song, "I'll be seeing you." (And, have yourself a good therapeutic cry.)
A couple months before he died, as he was getting very weak, my dad told me some thoughts had about dying and how he thought he’d like to go. He said I am getting more and more tired and sleeping more, sometimes I can’t wake up for long and I think when I die it will be that I get so tired, I simply don’t wake up. So, when that happens don’t say a word, just wave goodbye to me, like this (and he waved at me with the palm of his hand), and smile to me. Then he said, as you wave to me I’ll just drift away like I’m in a row boat, and I’ll be smiling and waving to you. And we practiced waving to each other and smiling. Yes, he said, this is the way I’d like to go.
The house is empty now. It will belong to other people in a couple of days. I keep feeling myself waving goodbye to my dad just like we did that day, and I feel him waving back. And we both smile to each other. Me, with tears in my eyes. But my dad sweetly smiles to me, without any tears.
Be kind to yourself, let yourself grieve and don’t do it all alone. Find and allow people, family, friends to help you go through the house and experience the memories with you.
Practice other good self care like staying hydrated, some form of physical exercise, prayer or meditation of your choice, healthy nutrition.......
Do seek grief support......
Peace
I will tell you that as time moves on and you have other things to deal with and other decisions to make, the house will move down the list of importance. It is hard to see that now, but I promise you it will happen.
I'm sorry for everything you are going through. This time of life is hard....
This was my childhood home. Sometimes, I drive past where I grew up and see a brand new house standing on the property. It affected me very deeply at first. I felt like my life there had been erased altogether. It’s kind of hard to explain.
Anyway, as I said in an earlier post, everyone grieves in their own way. Wishing you peace and healing in your journey of grieving for your parents.
Also the house is a loss in itself -and what it represents. I got rid of china, silver, crystal, old tablecloths and, hand embroidered pillow cases from generations back. These days no one wants them. It surely isn't easy. I am downsizing for myself now and letting go some of the few old family things I have kept and treasured. I don't want my kids to have a huge job when my time comes. My dd and grandkids have several old items they have chosen. My boys aren't interested.
(((((Hugs)))) to you. Expressing your grief is healthy and normal. You may find a grief group helpful if you continue to feel overwhelmed. When I lost my youngest son, a group helped me a lot.
As far as being too overwhelmed to grieve, I think many can relate. I know I can. I was an only and the executrix so it has been a year of travelling to inter her, probate, income taxes, going through the house to ready for estate sale, then donating and tossing the remainder. It is harder to find homes for some of the older things that were once considered heirlooms. It was painful at times to go through the stuff. Other times I was just overwhelmed by it all and just wanted to be rid of it. Anyway, now the house is prepped and put on the market. It is a shell of itself now she is gone and it is emptied. I feel I am doing good just to still be here and not have succumbed to illness or completely lost my mind so far, as lots of other unexpected and stressful things have happened over the last year and a half as well.
I feel I will be able to grieve more fully for my Mom when the house sells and all these tasks are finished. I can just focus on the memories I have of her and how best to honor her and carry the good memories into the future. Tears are healing and I hope to be able to cry more than I have so far.
I am sorry for your loss, your grief and the illness of your Mom. I don't know your beliefs, but calling on Jesus has helped me through this, plus a few visits with a therapist and a "can-do" attitude from my spouse.
I didn't grieve for my dad almost at all in the beginning, because overnight I became responsible for my mother's care, arranging his funeral, her nursing home placement and all their affairs, and that was a full-time job. (Theirs was the classic case of the caregiver dying first.)
For me, a terrible dread settled on me as the first anniversary of his death approached. (Very odd, as I don't "do" death anniversaries.) I think I feared for my mother's broken heart mostly, but as it turned out she had no concept of the date by then nor did she even remember Dad anymore, so that great heavy weight in my chest was all my own. Somehow when that date passed, I was OK from then on. It never happened after my mom died, because it was very much her time, and I'd been grieving her loss for years as dementia stripped away everything but the shell.
We sold their house last July a year after my mother's death, and after the Realtor's people did all the "lipstick on the pig" work to make it appealing to buyers, it was unrecognizable as my parents' house or the home I grew up in. Oddly, it didn't affect me in the slightest, and I haven't given the house another thought.
Last time I drove past the house I lived in with my late husband I had to park because I started crying so hard I couldn’t drive. He’d been dead about twenty years.
Every now and then something reminds me of them and I’m thrown back into a moment of grief. Those events become fewer and now they’re more quickly replaced by a feeling of gratitude for the short times we had together.
You’re letting go of something full of memories. It’s emotionally overwhelming. I know you’re busy, but let the tears flow freely. It’s tough to hold all that back.
I made little photo albums of both houses.
My parents had an old farmhouse we were raised in. I was ready to walk away when I was offered enough money to pay the leans on it. New owner wanted it for the 7 acres. He built around the old house and tore the old one down. House does not resemble the old one in any way.