Is it me or her?

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Is it me or her?

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My mom is 91 and is reasonably good health for her age. She has lived with me for almost a yr as she can no longer care for herself. She has gotten incredibly lazy in doing even the simplest things in caring for herself or simple things ..such as throwing things in the trash. She has lost alot of her hearing but refuses to wear her hearing aid. The result being a blasting tv..which I eventually have to leave the house cause I can't stand it I'm feeling resentful and frustrated .I used to look forward to weekends off but now I dread them because I know what's in store for me at home. There are other siblings buy no one offers to help. Any suggestions??

Burnout

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First of all, get her one of those TV head phones. Tell her it is not negotiable. (There is nothing worse than a BLARING TV) Refusing to wear the hearing aids is pretty common. Is her manual dexterity declining so that she can no longer turn them on/off, put batteries in, etc.

Sounds like you may need to set a few ground rules about living in your home. Also, sounds like you need to contact your siblings to have them schedule rotating weekend outings with their mother so that you can have a weekend break.

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First, understand that your mom isn't purposely trying to exasperate you. At 92, if she didn't have dementia, it would be very unusual. She MAY be doing the best she can. What you attribute to laziness may well be apathy from depression or a symptom of her dementia.

I must tell you that 100% (yes, really) of the seniors I know who have gotten hearing aids don't wear them. That's not unusual at all. It may help this PARTICULAR problem if you make sure you're always facing her and she's watching you when you speak. It may help her. Rather than expect her to wear a hearing if, try an amplifier...just for when she's watching TV. If she can hear high volume, an amplifier will definitely help, and you can turn done the set. They're not expensive...probably about $50.

Apparently she can be alone because it sounds as though you are working. Make it a point to get out by yourself on the weekend...window shopping, the movies...lunch with a friend.

Hope a thing or two helps you.

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ataloss, this sounds like fairly normal elder behavior to me. No matter how old, mothers always want to be boss. Their children can't tell them what to do. We can suggest and encourage, but many times we are just ignored. It is usually easier to just accept it as best we can unless it becomes dangerous to them or us.

Older folks run out of steam when it comes to cleaning up after themselves. To make it worse, their worlds become smaller, so that pretty soon they often see only themselves. They can be very inconsiderate of their children. I always find it strange with my mother that she has plenty of energy to get herself a snack, but not enough energy to put the trash in the garbage. Sometimes she just throws it in the floor. She might have been aiming at the garbage, though. :)

There are many of us who are right there with you, picking up trash and yelling over the blaring TV. It seems pretty normal to me, since it is the way I live. You can encourage her to help, but accept that maybe help isn't going to happen. All you can do is adjust yourself to the way she is now. If it becomes unbearable, you may want to talk with her about going into assisted living.

Sorry I couldn't be more help, but I haven't found the answers, either. I've just learned to accept and to lower my own standards.

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BTW, my mother does do most of her laundry and cooks her own breakfast. She also washes the dishes each night. These are her jobs for as long as she can do them, so she does contribute to the chores. Maybe you can also find ways your mother can contribute that will make her feel productive and appreciated. It might help both of you.

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Other siblings need to step up to the plate and give you some time off. Ask which day they can help. Don't ask IF, ask WHEN, because it shouldn't be all on you and IF usually gets a negative reply. Assign them a day once a week, that is not asking too much.

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Thank you all for your responses! It makes me feel good to be able to talk about my concerns and get feedback from people that can relate! Yes she does have some dementia and I recognize that in her short term memory loss. It's very true that she's still trying to be the one in charge and I understand how important that is to her. I just need a whole lot of patience And prayers! Thank you!

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Ataloss, where your mother lived prior to living with you, was she having the same problem with the trash on the floor, was she hoarding?
You can have a few focused minutes each a.m. to help her "clean-up". Don't mention the trash on the floor, except once to say, " Mom, you taught me to pick up after myself, remember? " "Here, let's do this together", but you be the one to be bending over, not Mom. Say, "Mom, here is the dust cloth, you dust and fold your clothes, I can pick up." She may look forward to helping herself and you helping her.
Obtain the senior grab sticks, the aids to help you reach hard places. Give it to her to use to pick up the trash. Place several trash receptacles near where she sits, sleeps. Pin or (use velcro) a safe trash receptacle onto her sheets. Help her empty it each a.m.
I could be wrong, and each person is different, but when I was watching the hoarding shows on T.V., I was wondering if, that in addition to having OCD, the people started doing the trash on the floor as an expression of disrespect and extreme desperation over their circumstances.

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I second Mincemeat on the TV headset. 20 years ago my mother used to say that getting dad one had saved their marriage and her sanity. If she resists using it, find an electronics tech (or a tech-savvy teenager) who can disable the tv speaker.

Beyond that, has her mental state been evaluated since the lazy behaviors have manifested? My dad has a lot of irritating behaviors that we're now finding out are probably part of a developing dementia. If you just met him you would say oh no he's quite sharp for 85, but the doc who did the initial screening at the memory evaluation center said there's definite impairment.

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Sendme2help..mom has never been one to "clean". As she's gotten older, it's gotten worse. She would hoard if she could but I don't allow it. I clean her room frequently so she can't accumulate . But this extends on to her personal care. She's totally fine bathing once a month, wearing the same clothes for a week, staying in her pajamas and robe for days , etc. I don't allow these things but this is part of what was going on before I took her in.

I will check into getting her some headphones for our tv problem. I hope it will help ! Investing in another hearing aid is just a waste of money.

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Is it me or her? It's you. She's 91 for goodness sake! I hope I can still watch REALLY LOUD TV when I'm 91. And she's lazy? Did you forget she's 91?

But seriously folks, is it time for assited living or a nursing home? Yes get the TV headphones but if your going to keep in your home you need to accept what the average 91 year old is like, and this sounds about average.

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Thanks windyridge . Next time my mom doesn't flush the toilet, I'll stop and think that she doesn't have to because she's 91! Even though she's perfectly capable of pushing down that little lever!

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Ataloss14, I know how your frustration can get the best of you, but Windyridge Was really giving you Constructive criticism, please don't be snide, we are all paddling simular boats, and only trying to give you helpful suggestions!

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You have to make allowances for her age. I know I even sometimes forget to flush the toilet, shut the cupboard etc. etc. I doubt she is doing this purposely to irritate you.

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Ataloss, sorry I was so sarcastic. Shouldn't dismiss the hard time you're having but is AL an option for you guys?

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I too recommend the tv headphones. I got a set for my mother for Christmas and it's one of the few electronic devices she can actually operate. My mother too has become extremely lax about cleaning up after herself. She's 84. She cn make a snack or simple meal but can't throw away her muffin wrapper, banana peel, frozen dinner wrappers, etc. I don't live with her, but I visit overnight once a week so I'm always the one to collect the trash and dirty dishes and wipe down the counters. I think JessieBelle's explanation is exactly right. They run out of steam for cleaning up after themselves, and they lose their ability to consider other people. I have said that my mother has energy now only for things that provide her with pleasure. Anything else is optional for her.

The most annoying incident was the night I went out and got both of us salads from a salad bar for dinner. I put most of mine on my plate and left the container with the rest on the kitchen counter, to decide later whether I wanted to eat it, save it, or toss it. When I got back to it, I found my remaining salad topped with the trash from my mother's meal - wrappers, used napkins, etc. Man, I was ticked! The garbage pail was on the floor six feet away. It didn't occur to her to ask if I was planning to eat this salad before dumping her trash in it. Gee whiz!

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ataloss - has your mother been evaluated for dementia? Has she has a good general check up recently? Something as simple as a low thyroid could cause some of these symptoms. I say that because as get older, I find tendencies to do some of these things and if I am unwell, they happen more often. Refusing to wear her hearing aid is a bit different. My mother who is 103 wears her hearing aids. If her general health is good and she does not have dementia then maybe she is just being difficult.

You do have to look after yourself, and caring for an aging senior is a big job. Her needs are only going to increase, so the pressure on you will increase.

It sounds like you are working full time. Does she have any funds to hire someone to come in a few times a week to do extra cleaning up? When you brought her to live with you, did you have a plan of how to deal with her increased needs as she aged? Considering that you are finding yourself resentful and frustrated, and I make no judgement about that as I would feel that way too at having the serenity of my home upset, it may be time to look for a placement for her. She would have company all day long, and activities to engage in.

We know isn't easy to blend any two lives together, and often that is even more the case when a senior is one of them. Let us know how you make out. The stress isn't doing your health any good.

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Windyridge. .thanks for extending an apology but really you didn't have to. I know you're trying to help by giving me constructive criticism. And yes , we are all just trying to get by dealing with issues . Assisted living isn't really an option right now because of finances. She has little cash in the bank but has property so she doesn't qualify for financial assistance.

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Emjo23..thanks for your support.she has been evaluated 3 yrs ago and again recently. She does have dimentia and it seems to be progressing quicker now than before. I've also had her thyroid checked and it was normal. I did consider in taking her in that things will get worse but more so, I did it because I felt it was the right thing for me to do. I don't want her in a nursing home with strangers, let alone die there. Because of family dynamics (other siblings that don't offer to help) no one else was offering to take care of her. Prior to moving her in, she was in apt for the elderly. She's not a very social woman so she still spent most of her time alone even though there were activities available for residents. But she didn't do well...her apt was always dirty, sticky floors, dishes piled in the sink, old rotted food in the fridge and on counters, toilet not flushed for days, etc... plus she wasn't taking her meds as instructed .

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Ataloss14, I'm so sorry that things are rough right now! I too have my 85 yr old FIL living in our home X11 years now, and suddenly everything is going down hill.He is falling frfrequently, and yet still insists he can carry his meals to his TV room, where he prefers to spend his entire day, every day no matter what we try toentice him out. He leaves hhis cartons and vrumbs all over the kitchen counters and spills all the way back to his room. He is just so stuborn, and I'm sure it is his last hold of his independence, but now we try to catch him so that we can carry things for him to prevent the mess that we will have to clean up afterwards. He now walks so stooped forward and is hanging on to the walls and furniture and it's so darn sad to see him deteriating so fast. I plan to get OT in soon to evaluate safety concerns that we may be miseing, and PT to see what we call help him with to help with the falling. It's very hard to maintain a united front as my husband is so frustrate, scared and impatient. Take care and know that we are all coping the best we can, and I've found it so incredibly helpful to come here for moral support, suggestions and a lot of laughs too! Hugs to everyone! TaDa, Stacey B

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ataloss - I appreciate that you feel that taking your mother in is the right thing to do, Many here feel that way. It does sound like her disease is progressing, Does she have Alzheimer's or another dementia? Many find it helpful to read about the progression of the dementia their parent has. I doubt that your mother can do all the things you think she can and that make you mad when she doesn't. I am not saying that she is not physically able to do them, but her brain is damaged by the disease and that affects her behaviour and capability to do the normal daily tasks. Understanding the disease progression should help you understand her limitations due to the disease. A fave saying here is "Get mad at the disease, not the person."

You need to research the resources that will be needed as your mother declines. A trip to your local agency for aging and/or social services should help you plan for what lies ahead.The point will come where she cannot be left alone day or night and she will need more and more help with simple things Will you be able to keep your job and provide for her? Are you able to give up your job, look after her 24/7 and still support yourself and have enough resources for your own old age?

My mother is in a facility. She chose to go into an ALF about 6 years ago and has progressed to one which has 24/7 nurse available, She has vascular dementia and also a personality disorder (lifelong). She makes a few friends and is very well looked after. She is not a joiner either. I wonder if you would reconsider a facility for your mum when the time comes. 40% of care givers die before the people they care for, Resentment and frustration are hard on your health. Remember your mum has a disease and one that is difficult to care for. Some, at the cost of their jobs and social lives manage to do that. Some are not able to. The sacrifice is huge - you can read many threads here about that.

A final point - if you do not already have them, you need to get financial and medical POA while she is still competent to sign the documents.

Blessings and come back and let us know how things are.

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Stacyb - consider a walker for your dad with a tray you can add to put his food on. My mom has used a walker for years and I recently got her a universal walker tray and it has worked out wonderfully well for her. She puts her plate of food on it and it has a drink holder, so she can push her walker along with her food on top and not spill anything. I got the tray from Walgreens online.

Ataloss, one of the things that goes away with dementia (per Teepa Snow's videos on Youtube - which are great) is initiative. I see that with my mom. My mom has always been a good housekeeper but now she'll let things pile up and isn't concerned with how her place looks. Her routine saves her, because she can function in that routine but she never takes her garbage or recycling down to the garbage room, I have to do that. She can't remember to put empties in the container, she just sets them in her pantry for me to deal with. She does her dishes (that daily routine again), but doesn't get dressed most days and will stay in the same jammies until her shower, once a week. I pick my battles with her.

I also think you need to consider a placement at some point for your mom, as she'll probably need more care and someone with her or available 24/7.

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No one really wants to send a parent to a nursing home, I don't know if anyone actually wants to go to a nursing home. But sometimes it's best for both parties. There is someone always around,halfway decent food,especially for someone who is alone. I don't even cook for myself now when I'm home alone. I also believe that I would want someone who's job it was to help me with intimate and personal care. A family member doing this canresult in embarrassment,humiliation. The resentment is eventually felt by your senior. Remember often even the most basic decisions are made for them. They are powerless and often fearful. Imagine sitting around knowing and waiting for the inevitable. Do we spend our lives trying to stay alive?? Is adult daycare available? Senior centers have alot of information. There are resources available. If it comes down to it ask them dr for a referral for a social worker. Look up senior assistance followed by your town and state online. Good luck...you cannot give up gour life for another,just do the best you can. Lots of people don't have family help and somehow workit out. Ask for help!!!

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I hear you ataloss14. My mom's thing is stuffing garbage in between the sofa cushions. Wrappers, tissues, mail, papers she thinks are important but aren't, that kind of stuff. Drives me insane.

I like the speaker-disabling idea a lot. If you can somehow mute the TV and tell her that the headphones are just a temporary problem she'll have to deal with for a short while, you can not only ease her into them but you might be able to convince her that it was her idea as well.

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dmanbro, my mother does the same thing, stuffing things between cushions and on the sides of chair. It used to be mail. Now it's just dryer fabric softener towelettes and tissues. Why she does it, I don't know. I just pull them out and put them in the garbage. I guess I should be glad that she doesn't do it with nasty things.

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I don't know where Maggie got her information but most elders - even those in their 90's - are NOT demented. Research has demonstrated that the vast majority of Americans do NOT understand the prevalence or incidence of aging-related illnesses and grossly OVERESTIMATE them. Our society is extremely AGEIST and inaccurate data ought to be challenged. The media perpetuates the negative stereotypes about older people. And when an older person is just being himself or herself - passive aggressive, mean, rude, whatever - we attribute those behaviors to dementia. If a person was always a pain in the neck they will not stop being one just because they're old. And if a person was always a sweet, soft spoken, well-mannered individual they will not stop being one just because they're old. Brain disorders are what cause CHANGES in behavior. A traumatic event brings about TEMPORARY changes in behavior. Stop treating your mother like a child. Elders are NOT children and ought not to be infantilized. Unless your mother has in fact been diagnosed with either depression or dementia do not make assumptions.

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I'm only 67 and got hearing aids 4 years ago. The Audiologist said I had a borderline need and it was my choice whether to get them then or wait a while. I cholse to get them. My mom has worn hearing aids all of my life and i remember her telling me that you hear differently with a hearing aid, so I decided it was best to get them while I only had a borderline hearing loss. This is an introduction to say that many seniors avoid getting hearing assistance until their hearing is quite poor. Then they get a hearing aid and the sound difference is overwhelming to their senses. The Audiologist, according to my Audiologist, needs to just set the hearing assistance to 25% at first then wait a week or two to turn it up a bit more. Keep at that until it is 100% so the change isn't overwhelming. Also, new hearing aides can have multiple settings which are changed just by pushing a button on the side of the aid. I have 1 for normal, 2 for taking out the top range of sounds such as rustling paper, or the high pitched noise of children at a swimming pool, and 3 to help hear TV better. It works well for me. If your loved one isn't wearing the hearing aid, work with your Audiologist. In the meantime, at home, leave TV so you can hear it and do not give in to turning everything up loud.

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Dementia and hearing loss are hard ones. Blaring TV - I get it. Mom refused to wear 'aids' and (forgot?) to use her walker or canes. So, good luck with a TV headset. They do what they do when they want to do it. Mom would wake up in the middle of the night and turn on her TV. So I hid the remote when I went to bed. She would get up (fall) looking for it. So I set the TV settings to 'hearing impaired' where the words come up on the screen.

I didn't have siblings to help, so I was spared the frustration of knowing there was help out there, but being refused. But it sounds like you won't be able to leave the house soon. Other things will start happening. (ie) my mom would forget to wash her hands after going to the bathroom and then try to make herself a sandwich. :/ handling bread, sandwich meats, etc. then putting them back.. for me to use lol.

You've got some hard decisions to make.

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SamIam, for that very reason, I was glad when mom became unable to help in the kitchen. It was a battle royale just to wipe her hands with a wet wipe, let alone use sanitizer. I don't miss the help that much.

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ataloss14, I don't know what percentage of people in their nineties have dementia, but you say that your mother does. This means she has damage in her brain. Actual visible, tangible damage. When they performed an autopsy on my husband they could identify where he had "Lewy bodies" of misfolded protein in his brain, for example. Understanding that the damage is causing cognitive and behavioral changes helps avoid or minimize some of the resentment. (At least it did/does for me.) When people talk about their loved ones with dementia "lying" and "being manipulative" and "being lazy," it makes me very sad. Your mother's whole brain is deteriorating, not just in the normal ways it does with aging, but also due to damage. You are upset that she forgets to flush the toilet. My mother forgets where she is, how old she is, and whether she has eaten recently. She usually remembers me, but sometimes she thinks I am her sister. By the way, she knew these things pretty well when she was 91, but as the dementia progresses she has lost a lot. She is now 95.

I think you need to either change your expectations, accept your mother as she is, damaged brain and all, and help her or arrange for someone else to help her with the things she is "too lazy" to do ...

OR

(this is a perfectly acceptable solution) arrange for your mother to be cared for in a place that cares for incapacitated people all day every day, in shifts. You would certainly not abandon her. You would visit often, monitor her care, and be her advocate. This really could work best for the both of you.

Come here to vent often! We understand that even though you love her, and even if you understand her behavior is not deliberate, it can VERY frustrating to live with someone with a damaged brain. We get it!

(And BTW, I got my husband a wireless headset to listen to the tv. He came to love it -- he could still hear the sportscaster when he made his frequent trips to the bathroom! Also he didn't forget to flush the toilet. He just didn't understand that his disposable underwear shouldn't be flushed!)

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I put the close caption on. Mom reads it to herself. Hearing aides, Mom has them but for the elderly its hard for them to understand how to use them. Mom kept pulling hers out wrong and pulling off the tube. I sometimes wonder if its really her hearing or she has a hard time processing what she hears.

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