Is it normal she's so negative?

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Is it normal she's so negative?

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Hope everyone had a nice weekend. I just wanted to let you know that little by little, inch by inch, I am making gains. I actually had an honest and open conversation with my mother today about her sarcasm and moods, and I have never been able to address these things with her. In the past, she wasn't open to it and I was scared stiff. She, in turn, identified a couple of things that I could do differently, and I listened. I am crossing my fingers, albeit highly tentatively, that things will be at least a tiny bit better. Thanks for all of your encouragement. Don't go away!!!

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When momma would say that she wished Jesus would come & get her, I'd ask how she knew that he hadn't already been and decided not to put such a complainer in Heaven.

Mom would also get very snippy if she was supposed to do something anybody else had told her to or expected her to do (exercise, stop eating fatty food, take her insulin, join the church where she wanted to be buried, etc.). Her big thing was to always say "Don't PUSH me!" I had gotten so fed up with her one time years ago that I said that she's lucky I'm so far away or I would have pushed her hind end with my big old foot. I could picture her in my mind as a sassy little girl on the playground with a big lip stuck out and her arms crossed, mad at everybody.

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Reply to sandwich42plus

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njny, my mother does the very same thing, blaming me for things. Yesterday she blamed me because some of our shrubs are dying. (Roll eyes) I told her that I was not to blame, so knock it off. I told her I didn't cause WWII, since I hadn't even been born. I really hate that blame game and will put it back on her. When I do take up for myself, she goes into her little girl act saying I'm fussing at her. She tells me that her parents and my father never fussed at her. I tell her that they probably should have. She does push my buttons by blaming for everything possible, but I just mash the reset button and carry on.

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Reply to JessieBelle

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I know. When i was little, when my grandma would try stuff like this and my mom wouldn't tespond, my grandma would say "my, how you've changed" in this really awful tone of voice. My mom would say something like, "yes, I'm married and have a husband and children to think of now, Mother".

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Reply to BarbBrooklyn

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Thanks, Babalou. It is scary. I will try very hard to hang tough.

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Reply to njny1952

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Hang tough kiddo. She's not going to die from not having a dog. You didn't hurt her back. You cannot solve her problems. If she calls with a medical "emergency", you call 911 and have the hospital call you if it's serious. Show up if they admit her. If they are sending her home, she goes in a cab. I'm not kidding.

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Hi everyone--yesterday was wonderful. I felt I was making gains and taking care of myself. It was the best day I have had in ages. Today, however, started with a bang. My mother called to tell me she is severely depressed over not having a dog. (Ongoing saga) We are going to look at one a couple of hours away on Thursday. She also wants to check out more dogs and wanted me to call breeders. I have to tell you, I am exhausted from making these phone calls for her because she typically calls back herself and repeats everything I just said. I think I am so burned out I cannot do it anymore. When I didn't take her bait to make calls for her, and explained that I did not want to do it, she told me how horribly stressed and depressed she is and that is ALWAYS my cue to comply, but not today. I am changing to help myself, but I do not want to hurt her. This is tough and scary. She called back to say that her back is now bothering her as a result of our argument. She was upset and said she never ever wants to discuss dogs again with me and doesn't want me to come over--it is too upsetting to her. So starts her doling out of a punishment. Now she is all of the things that scare me to death--angry, hurt, and suffering. The adult in me says this is ridiculous, but the child in me is so scared. I am hanging in there--typically I would run over there and try to work this out but I am staying put for now. Wish me luck and inner strength. I love her and want to be there when she needs me but I have to take care of myself too. This is so so hard.

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Have fun! Make it a habit!

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Reply to BarbBrooklyn

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Thank you Babalou, Golden, and JessieBelle. Your responses are so helpful that I printed them off and am reading and re-reading! Babalou--you ar right--I cannot fix what is wrong with my mother, and I have been trying to either fix her or just keep her afloat at great emotional expense to me. I am sacrificing myself and my family. Golden--your words about feelings related to FOG are so helpful--I do NOT have to act on them. My childhood emotions ARE driving my behaviors. I will try to make better choices and celebrate small degrees of progress. And JessieBelle--I am glad you spoke to your mother and told her what you needed to say. My mother has also been "dying" on and off for about 10 years, but is in good health. I also feel like I am carrying around a bag of gravel, and it is so very heavy. Great analogy!

I feel I need courage and that this is the very hardest thing I will ever do--my divorce many years ago was horrendous--I got through that and I can get through this, at least I will truly try. At least with a divorce, there is an official end (doesn't always really work, but still). With my mother, I feel as though this will go on for another decade or even longer. I will be in my 70's and I so want to enjoy my life and my loved ones. I want this manipulative gravel off my back. It pokes me, rubs me every wrong way, weighs a ton, and has been there for probably 50 years. It has been the heaviest the last ten years or so. I can't bear the weight anymore. I am trying very hard to not keep talking about my worries relating to my mother with my husband and grown kids, but it is hard. I feel like if I quit always talking about it and focus on other thinks, that will help. I will try!

Thank you again--I am leaving soon and hoping to have a nice day with my husband and some visiting cousins. We have to travel a couple of hours and my mother called to let me know her eye was bothering her. She did not want me to call the doctor yet, so I feel grateful for that. She told me to have a nice time, but that is always laced with her feelings of having nothing to do while I am having fun. She was invited but chose not to go. I told her I didn't know when I would be home and she said she was used to that. So... I am going to try and throw off her little comments and have a nice day. Or even some nice moments. I am going to try and find beauty all around me today. You are all beautiful, and I truly am grateful for your support, encouragement, and incredibly helpful advice.

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njny, I feel the same way when my mother is depressed and not feeling well. It must be something I'm doing wrong. It makes me feel like I should try harder to make her happy. I am learning that making her happy is not something I can do. This evening she told me she was feeling bad and got grouchy with me. I told her that she had been feeling bad every day, all day long, for 10 years. I added that she made herself feel bad. I don't know what pleasure she gets out of feeling bad all the time. She has been dying each day for about 15 years now, really. It gets very tiresome, to tell the truth. It can be like carrying a heavy bag of gravel with me all day. I would like to spend more time with her and just chat. She has some type of dementia, but it doesn't behave like Alz. She can be pretty normal acting when she wants to. She chooses to feel bad all day, though. It is hard to be around her and impossible to carry on a conversation.

It did feel good today to share the burden some by telling her what I did. If someone dares says to me I should be nicer to my mama, I'll probably give them a virtual smack. I am really good to her, but this bag of gravel gets heavier and heavier as the years wear on.

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Reply to JessieBelle

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straight *path*

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njny - Yes, you will. Practice detaching. Your mother is reaping the results of years of negative and manipulative thinking patterns. Not your monkeys, not your circus. You have your own monkeys to deal with. and your own circus to run. Your have your own life and you are allowed to make decisions without your mum's button-pushing being a major concern. In fact, it is healthy so to do.
You cannot fix her. You can only fix yourself.

You are NOT the cause of your mother's depression - believe me - and no matter how she wants to blame everything on you, it just is not true, but a symptom of her sick mind. Example: my mother has had heart palpitations at various times related to her thyroid condition. She blames some one, once my daughter who was only trying to help her at the time. The real cause was that mother had chosen to stop taking her thyroid meds. Another time her dose was too high and she blamed the staff of the facility for upsetting her and so on. She always has to blame someone and I have had my fair share of being blamed. Even as a child I realised that I was not "as bad" as her rages indicated. You have a good mind - use it. Look at things rationally. Yes, your mother will take advantage of anything - like a trip you plan - to get her narcissistic supply and suck you into the FOG. (Fear, Obligation and Guilt). Yes, you feel those things but you don't have to act on them. Feelings are temporary. Any time you feel these take a hard look at what is happening to your emotions and choose whether or not to act on them. Your childhood emotions are driving your behaviours. They don't have to. I know it is scary to make different choices, but each time you do make even small healthier choices, it gets easier. In fact, reacting to her manipulations is enabling her and not good for her - or for you.

You are doing better and you can continue to, and get healthier. It isn't a straight oath - it is up and down, back and forth. That's OK. Pat yourself on the back for the progress you have made. (((((((((hugs))))))))

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Njny, you WILL get better. I promise. I've been down the depression road and there is an end to the tunnel.

Can you remind yourself that you are NOT in charge of your mom's happiness? I know she probably trained you to think that you were, but you're not. Think about HER inner child for a sec. Maybe she got little attention when she was young, or maybe her parents were too self involved to know how to grow their children's inner strength. It's very sad, isn't it? But you know what? YOU can't fix it. Only your mom can fix herself, and sadly, given her cognitive limitations now, it may not be possible at all. But the one thing I can tell you with certainty is that it not your job to fix her. No amount of love, attention or bending over backwards will fill the void she has in her center.

The best you can do is work on yourself so that you can prevent your children from having this kind of issue with you!

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Reply to BarbBrooklyn

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Thanks, Babalou. Good advice. I am glad I am seeing a counselor, but I feel like I have so much work to,do. Today, she is depressed, and I keep wondering what I said to trigger it--I am usually blamed for saying something wrong--and I am supposed to go out of town tomorrow just for the day. What is wrong with me that I feel I have to make everything ok? And if I don't make everything okay I suffer and make those around me suffer with me. It is a fear of her being angry with me or depressed that nearly paralyzes me. I am so grateful for anonymity here. I would be so embarrassed if anyone knew the "real me." I am just a scared little self-pitying coward waiting for mommy to get better and happier. The counselor told me to work on my child within. I think I need to do that. My mother keeps saying things like, "I hope I am not here tomorrow." These are vague death threats that have been going on so long. I need help--I need to do the hardest work I have ever done. I feel overwhelmed today. But now I will go out and put on a happy face because my step daughter and grandson are here. My poor husband--I am going to wear him out. WILL I EVER GET BETTER???

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Nj, one thing I learned with my elderly mom....she doesn't need to know stuff more than a day or two in advance, as long as we're taking care of the stuff that we usually take care of while we're gone. So, if I were travelling in November, I'd let her know two days in advance, with plans for trash collection worked out.

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Hi Friends--I wanted to update you a bit. I went to the counselor yesterday and I think she is wonderful! One of the most fascinating questions she asked me, when I was describing my mother's anger outbursts, was how old I thought she was acting when she was so angry. That gave me such pause to think. I think my mother is acting like a 6 or 8 year old when she gets like that. We talked a great deal about how trauma affects people and that my mother's early-life trauma has affected her. On the other hand, the counselor assured me that at 88,my mother had a lifetime of other skills she has gained to help her cope and behave appropriately. Anyway, I am so glad we clicked and think we will probably work together for some time. Another update--I was brave enough to plan a 3 night vacation with my husband in November. I told my mother and she at first wondering why I would take 3 nights and not two. I told her that I needed three to allowmformtravel time. She was hanging in there with it, but then she realized that I would not be there to take out the garbage. She put all kinds of limitations on me--she would not let me ask the neighbor to take it out, would not let me take the garbage to my house, etc. so I told her that I would call the sanitation company and they would do it for me, which I believe they will. She is unsteady non her feet and hasn't done it for years. Then another complication is that she has once again decided she wants a dog and I almost got physically ill when she told me. I have helped her find several dogs in the last couple of months and then had to return them. I hate it--I feel horrible for the dogs, but understand that they are not quite right for her. So... She wanted names of breeders so I found some and she made phone calls. She is going to get an older dog at the end of November--after it has nursed its last litter--right at the time of my little vacation. I am hoping we can work it all out. I am still feeling like a prisoner but I am able to metaphorically access the "key" to let myself out of the cell if I am determined enough. It is just such hard, hard work. I am so grateful to all of you who have responded to me, sent me hugs, etc. you have no idea how much this has helped. I think I am getting stronger, but time will tell. I hope you all have a great weekend.

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Sooz55, there is definitely no point in arguing or reasoning. I used to try and my husband would give me a look or motion to me to stop because it was pointless. It's hard when they change their mind constantly or dwell on one point. I guess they get stuck on words, or trying to remember some thing. My father-in-law gets obsessed about tiny things, too, but he still has some hobbies and interests, so that helps. I'm hoping hiring this friend to drive her around now and then -- she has a calm energy, too -- will do some good!

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I bet you have found out there is no point in arguing. Trying to make a point with anyone afflicted with dementia is ludicrous. For one, they won't remember whatever or who it was or what it was about and for another, well, let's just say their mind is not the same (to put it lightly). You might try being as cheerful and happy as possible; if she responds, great. If not, then cut the conversation short - and put it out of your mind. Pls do not dwell on this episodic behavior your mom is going thru. Remember, this is not your mom, but another person who may look like your mom, have the same stuff, but she has changed. There is something she knows has changed, she can't help it and is probably really pissed about it but doesn't quite know what it is - so she complains. I think it has to be really hard to know you are forgetting things, you're getting old, you're dying. Got to be tough... but none of us really want to put all the hard facts into words or even entertain the truthful thought of it. So we get angry about it and it comes out in all sorts of ways. Distance yourself from your emotional turmoil of what's going on with your beloved mom. Take care of you, laugh when you can - laugh hard and a lot. It helps.

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Babalou, you make a good point. It is always someone else's fault to some of these people.
Dealing with my mom it feels like taking crazy pills. I'm trying to help her this week, and she needs groceries, but I buy them, and they're the wrong ones. I say, well, I will take you Friday after work. No, that doesn't work for her. She starts telling me I'll have to take her Monday, Tuesday, maybe Wednesday (whenever her mood is right, basically), and I finally said, no, I can't just be on call to her whims. I have a stressful job with long hours and I can't deal with a human mood ring.
I told her, I know someone who you can pay to drive you around. (She has a good pension and can afford that.) This woman works with old people, is patient, and I told my mom she can pay her at least $10 an hour to drive her around at 1 in the afternoon and I'll make sure she gets some gas money, too. I figure it might be less drama with someone else; my mom jerks me around so much it's maddening.

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NJNY: Do you think your mom would like a cat? Cats are so easy to care for. No need to take it out to the bathroom 5 times a day. Cats lay around and use a liter box. DO NOT feel obligated to get her a dog. You will be responsible for always taking care of it.

Turning off your phone more is a great idea. I started doing that. When my mom would question me...my excuse was always that the battery went dead. I cannot tell you how much better I feel keeping my distance from her. I still write out her rent check, but that is all. I don't even do her medicine anymore. She has it delivered from a local pharmacy. Too bad it couldn't have been like this sooner, but I guess I didn't really know how to let go.

My mom is going to be 70 this year and I know I have a long road ahead of me, so I decided it was time to make those decisions now. Keep working toward your goals with no regrets.

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njny1952,

Souinds like the addiction side of things is creeping up. That is the side that was addicted to pleasing mom at all costs. That's actually not you, it is a foreign emotional thing from your mom's programming. It's what makes you feel awful and unloveable that you seriously questioned whether your husband could actually love you. The flip side of that doubt is the real message, "only mom finds you lovable and only mom can actually love you, thus come back to mom." What a lie from her sickness or worse!

Working past that with your therapist that you are meeting with on Friday is one of those pains of your labor towards giving birth to your own new life and a valuable, unique human being. Keep pushing and keep breathing.

Sounds like your husband has some healthy emotional distance from his mom. That's good!

Do something nice for you today. Do something fun with your husband today!

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Reply to notrydoyoda

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Nj, you can thank Jeanne Gibbs, another poster on this board for IT'S NOT YOUR FAULT. I too am a fixer; it's a very hard habit to break.

Good luck with the counselor, I hope that it's a good fit for you. Remember, this is NOT another person you have to please. This is a person who is trained to look at all the dark brown goop that is inside ALL of us and help up reconstruct a person capable (in our own eyes) of both loving and being loved. You are indeed worthy of that and I wish you well on this journey.

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Reply to BarbBrooklyn

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Clarification... My husband's mom lives in town in an independent living apartment, not with us, and my mom lives in a duplex independently. If they lived with us, I honestly think I would lose my mind.

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Babalou--it helps for me to be reminded that it is not my fault. Thank you.
I have to get out of the role of being the "fixer" of all things real or imagined. I know what is coming next... If she does not have a dog, she will start to worry about her health so I will have to prepare myself for that. Of course, she doesn't like her doctor but she tried to switch and the next one was worse. Oh well.

For some reason, I do feel better this morning. Of course, it is early and I haven't heard from her yet. Lynnemk, I definite see the parallel. By the way, my mother went through a zillion shoes before finally settling in on one or two styles, so I am sorry your mom is only in slippers. My mother is horribly afraid of falling also. Is your mom at home? Sounds like you have siblings? I would be very grateful for a sibling, if he/she were helpful. If not, that would add to the nightmare.

So, happy Sunday to all. I am hoping and praying that the counselor visit will go well for me in Friday.

Last night, I felt so awful and unloveable that I seriously questioned whether my husband could actually love me. He reassured me once again. He is wonderful and I am so grateful for him. He has his mom here but he manages not to dwell on things, and she has her share of issues.. I wish I had better control of my brain sometimes!

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Some people seem to feel the need to outsource their bad feelings to others so as not to have to own their own dysfunction, illness, etc. In the above example, "if only my daughter could find me the right shoes, I could walk again". No, there is other stuff going on that makes not walking possible. "If only I had a dog, the right dog, I'd be happy again, but my daughter can't find THE RIGHT dog". No, your unsteadiness and other infirmities make it impossible for you to have a dog now. A cat would be a better choice. At one point, my mom (who does not cause us to feel guilty about this sort of thing) became obsessed with getting new dentures. The dentist who calls at her nursing home said to me wryly "if only she had dentures, she could go home, right?" I believe in dementia, as reasoning skills decline, the person sometimes gets "stuck" on the one key thing that will make everything better. For some, it's "going home", for others, it's a particular thing like a dog or a pair of shoes. For those who are emotionally unhealthy, the ability to "get" that thing must be someone else's fault; when in in reality, it's just age, circumstances and infirmity.

Just remember, the fact that your mother is old, infirm and whatever else she is is NOT YOUR FAULT.

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I can identify to your situation trying to make things work when they can't. I kept trying to find the right shoes when it was obvious she could not wear shoes anymore. I kept trying to find a pair to fit her where it would not hurt her feet bought 3 pair kept taking them back.. She would say they would not fit before i put them on. she never wore her shoes again the most we could get her to wear were slippers. I was trying to help her toward her therapy for walking at the time but she had given up then, and wanted to stay in bed. I guess i gave up trying then too, it was not working for her anymore. Her fear of falling was too great. just another phase of their decline. For us it is another change for us to deal with and be faced with.

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Hi friends--I haven't updated you in a bit. Had company for quite a while, and things were going pretty well. My mother got a dog, and my company (relatives of my mother's) had a bird's eye view of my relationship with my mother. They told me to turn off my phone more often. That was helpful. I am fighting against being stressed out again. My mother got another dog but it didn't work out either. Took the dog back today. This was dog number 3. She is super depressed, and feels like she can't find a dog that works, and that even if she did, she is too unsteady on her feet to safely care for it. Why do I feel like it is up to me to make it better? Well, I KNOW that it is not up to me, but I still feel so much like she is my responsibility -her emotions as well as her physical health. I am exhausted from working so hard to try and feel some peace and happiness. Good news, though. I have an appt. with a counselor on Friday . Wish me luck and please don't give up on me. I feel so down today but hope to feel better tomorrow. Thanks--

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njny1952,

Great to hear back from you today! You are making progress and gaining insights along the way. This journey definitely includes a lot of labor intensive pains and anxiety. However, the pains and related anxiety of such labor will fade in the joy of having one's new and own life!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Keep this before you like your own eye of the tiger that you may know from one of those Rocky Movies in the past. Even a strong individual needed an Adrian to get his "Eye of the Tiger" back and stay on track.

You are a strong person to have gotten to wear you are. With support and effort you will get there. Just, remember to breathe!

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Reply to notrydoyoda

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Hello again! I have no idea why there was a question mark after my thanking Babalou and Looloo. There should have been an exclamation point! ☺️

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Thank you, everyone! I appreciate your responding to my post! Cmagnum--I especially appreciate your commentary related to my being terrified. I feel stuck and do not want to be. I still have company but am going to contact a counselor and even got a friend-in-the-know to give me the names of the best choices. I want to know why I am terrified of my mother being angry with me. I can get through it, but I try so hard to please her and this sometimes keeps me from finding and celebrating my own path and freedom. I am dedicated to changing no matter how hard the work is. Thanks also to Babalou and Looloo for your kind responses? :-). We are all anonymous but I feel like I have a true support group. I want to start helping others soon and as much as I can!

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9 10 11 12 13

Is it normal she's so negative?

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