Update on mom in assisted living. I had a hard time convincing my mom to go to assisted living. She was diagnosed with dementia 2 years ago and she couldn't stay alone anymore. I work, have a family she kept wanting them to leave. In March, she went to assisted living. I go twice a week and at first called her every night. I now only call three times a week because she is so negative I cannot take it anymore. When I go to do her hair, she constantly complains. She complains how I do her hair, about the place, about the people, about everything. She keeps asking me "could you live here?" Actually yes. It is brand new, wonderful people and great food. I worn out with the negativity. I have explained to her about her complaints, but she says I am "fussing" at her. Not true, just need some peace. Is it normal for a dementia patient be so negative? I do not want to go visit or call her. It would be so easy to just stop. I am an only child and feel obligated to help her. I feel so much better knowing she is safe and well cared for. She will not bathe or change her pajamas. She doesn't want to get her clothes on. She just wants to complain. She tells me she doesn't eat there, but they tell me different. Her memory isn;t so much the issue, it is her personality change, her inability to care for herself, and her reasoning skills are gone. Oh my, you cannot reason with her at all. When she truly believes something..well, she will say.."well, you are always right and want to argue with me." I want to walk away and enjoy my life without her in it, but I feel guilty for even thinking such a thing. Is all this normal?
I will be helpful to have a face to face therapist when you get one. My armchair perception of where the feelings of being terrified are from emerges from the grooming that your mother put you through. In other words, it could be what some describe as the inner child who knows to be terrified given past experiences with mom. Some people get stuck right at this point of being terrified and find it safer to stay stuck as an attempt to maintain a false peace.
Narcissists and borderlines do not view their children when they become adults as fully functioning adults with their own identity. How dare one step out and claim their identity as their own individual person when the abusive parent only sees them as an extension of themselves.
Thus, the need for such a focused determination to dam the torpedoes, despise the pain of the journey and have a take no prisoners outlook in the pursuit of the goal of living as their own person.
My SIL struggles with this. Her identical twin sister, my wife, and I have shared the very same things she's told us that her therapist she no longer sees has shared with her. I think she's more terrified by her past than she is inspired by her future.
Take care. It's normal to feel terrified. However, you don't have to let being terrified to make you petrified. You can chose to give in to the terror or recognizing where it is coming from to move past it. On the other hand, those emotions can be so intense and long lasting that sometimes a mixture of stabalizing meds are given to help the person deal with things in a more leveal headed approach.
Take care.
I went on the trip and it was awesome! Plus, the best news ever--my husband's biopsy is negative--benign! Yay and phew!
I enjoyed my grandson and husband and was able to minimize my mother-worry to some extent. I spoke to my mother once a day and honestly she was appropriate. Now I am back (with company visiting) and my mother is overly-excited, emotional, demanding because... Well, yesterday she didn't have a dog, then she found out about one and we brought it home, and now she is over the top trying to get it to a vet, have it groomed, etc. A quick rush back to her normal state of drama and need for immediacy. My company, my mother's cousin noticed that my mother has changed considerably in the five years since he has seen her--physically and mentally. I may not have been noticing changes as much because I see her every day. I will watch more carefully, but no matter what, even if she is dealing with some level of dementia, I still have lots of work to do with boundary setting and finding my own free path. I read over your entries on and off when I was gone. I am so grateful, and one day (sooner than later), I hope to be helping others because I have figured out how to have my own life despite seemingly terrifying odds. Maybe the counselor (who I do not yet have) can help me figure out why I get terrified. Anyway, please keep your positive energy and suggestions coming. I will be checking and hoping you all are doing well. XXOO
Of course with narc parents, they want just the opposite of us being happy or independent.
Heck, my mom even told me I should go after my husband's brother (before we married), because she thought he would be a better match -- or maybe he was more her type (that was probably it). He's a nice guy, but I wouldn't have wanted to go on a date with him when I was single, but hey, what Mama wants ... she'll be sure to tell you. And she was convinced my father-in-law was falling in love with her and my mother-in-law resented my mom because of that! So much delusion!
Does your health insurance company have a web site? If so, it may help you to find who is on your plan in your area. They often include information like gender, education and where they got their education. If they have one, I'd check it out.
And please remember that when your mom tries to guilt you into doing what she wants, she's intentionally trying to make you feel bad. This doesn't come from a place of love.
When you call her while on the trip, remember you are doing something normal and reasonable, and important to your own family. Don't get pulled into drama while away.
We can't change past actions or family history, but we can choose to stop the dysfunction in our generation. We can become better parents for the experience (I call it anti-mothering), better spouses and unconditionally loving people because we truly understand unconditional love.
When you feel the old feelings moving in, give your grandson a hug and move past them. Picture all of us on the sidelines, telling you that you can do this.
Remember, one day at a time and at times one hour at a time. You are making progress. Rome was not build in a day nor was your grooming accomplished in a day. Keep downloading the updates for a new program for life and install them on the hard drive of your mind. You are savable.
She hated anybody who was down to business and only focused on improving her situation. She hated anybody who prescribed exercise and a controlled diet. She wanted pills.
I will print out Emjo's list and my writing and try to identify new mechanisms for my thinking which is so convoluted. I love your idea, CMagnum, to design a new blueprint in writing. I believe all of you you who have been kind enough to offer honest and heartfelt advice are helping to save me--I was starting to believe I couldn't be saved. Honestly, I am still not sure, but I took a huge-for-me step yesterday that I didn't think I could take. Although I truly do feel sick to my stomach, I will persevere. Babalou--thank you for that message. For all who do not know, a goniff is a thief, and in a sense my mother has stolen much of my life, but I accept much of the blame for not getting this repaired by now. If I get through this, it will be truly the most difficult thing I have ever done, even more difficult than getting through a divorce 20 years ago. I will worry, worry, worry, about her well-being (and always whether she is angry at me) and have to train myself not to call and check. I know you ahve told me I am not pathetic, but this truly sounds PATHETIC! That's ok. I will one day hopefully write that I do not feel pathetic any longer!
I like what Emjo wrote about taking care of her needs vs. her wants. Right now, I am both the sensible adult who has been a highly effective, award-winning, teacher, curriculum director, and principal; and also, at the very same time, a little girl who is petrified that her mommy will leave her, be mad at her, not love her, say mean things, etc. I have my work cut out for me. Getting through the next few days, going out of town, and returning will be stressful, but I owe it to my husband, grandson, and myself to try and have a good time. I need to get her constancy out of my head!
You are all wonderful--thank you, thank you, thank you!
I would more likely say something like this, this and this is what I will do. Try to avoid arguing for she'll likely win. Even if she refuses to related to you as an adult, you related to her as an adult and don't listen to it as well as walk away or hang up when she starts talking to you like her little girl once again. Your body will pick up on this quicker than your mind because if you are in touch with your physical emotions, you'll likely feel a sick feeling in your gut. That's your body telling you that you're being manipulated.
Keep on the healthier path. You are making progress!
One thing about gaining one's freedom is like overcoming an addiction. Unless you do it for yourself, you will never do, just doing it to benefit someone else. It will benefit your husband and others, but you need to do this primarily because it is benefiting you.
I have been reminding my mother that my husband and I were taking my grandson out of town for two nights before my 11 year old grandson flew back to his home. That meant we were all spending two nights away. I have gone over this with her for a month. We agreed that I would call her each morning and evening. I offered to have someone (a trained caregiver) come over every day that I was gone (I would pay) to do housework or keep her company but she would have none of it. So I saw her today and reminded her that I was leaving and all was well. Then a couple of hours later her call came. "Do you mean you are actually going to leave an 88 year old woman alone for two nights? I don't have a dog to protect me. You have chutzpah--I would never do this to my parent." Well, it was like I got punched in the stomach. I always thought she felt these things but now it was all confirmed. She said she could never do that to her father (she never spent much time caring for him--her sister did). She then went on to read me the riot act about how I had not done a good job as her daughter in a bunch of ways. (I have to tell you that my friends have wondered how I could keep up with her requests and emotional cries for help over the years. I was at her beck and call. I have lost most of those friends because of my dedication to her. I guess it is dedication, fear, and obligation...) She did acknowledge some things I did well. However, there were qualifications. I am ALWAYS being judged and assessed as to my worthiness as a daughter. ALL THE TIME.
Believe it or not, I said, "Yes, I am going away for two nights." She said, And you will continue to leave me when i am 89 or 90?" I SAID YES!!! It was a horrible conversation but I stood my ground, and I felt a surge of confidence. She called back shortly to say she was just upset that she still didn't have a dog, and that is why she didn't feel safe, and that she had a bad reaction when speaking to me, but that she still couldn't believe I would leave her alone. I again reminded her of how she has her "calll button," her two cell phones (in case she misplaces one) and the offer of someone to come over. Plus, there are three families on her street I could ask to come over if there was an emergency. I have covered as many bases as I can, and I pay for all of them--willingly. Then, throughout the afternoon we had multiple tense conversations, but I held my ground and told her I wanted to be able to spend time away with my husband and family. She tried to dictate how I could do that--I could go on family trips and my husband could stay behind. Nice, huh? I stunned myself and did not back down. I suggested that maybe she would feel safer in an independent living facility, and she said she was not moving and I could not make her. (She has always said that if I traveled and left her, she would move into one--I guess that was just an idle threat.) Anyway, it occurred to me today, that this is just so much work. It is draining and taking away my life and energy. I do not want to ever have to officially say goodbye, but if this keeps up, I would have to consider it and only help if there were an emergency. That is not what I want, but I want to live my own life and be happy. I have been so depressed trying to meet her needs and finding my world getting smaller and tighter. I don't want that for myself anymore.
During our last conversation, I asked her how she wanted me to handle calling her when I was gone, because we had argued over what to do, and she went into her, "I can't take it anymore. I can't breathe when we talk like this. " I think she is pulling the same routine, dramatic and designed to scare me, but you never know. It could be real. I just got off the phone as quickly as I could. Part of me cannot believe that I really and truly and strongly stood up to my 88 year old mother. A part of me still feels guilty, but a big part feels more free. It will never be over, and I never know what she will pull next, but I deserve some happiness in my life with my husband and my extended family. I know that. I feel as though I had a surge of strength today. I thank the lord and I thank all of you. I hope nothing bad happens because of all of this, but I just had to stand up for myself. I just had to.
Accept that others are responsible for their own choices - for example if she is miserable in phone calls, limit them
Anger (yours)– deal with it in a healthy way
Blame – don’t blame and don’t accept blame
Consequences – face them and see that others experience them
Decide what you are willing to do and what you are not willing to do
Detachment is not a feeling so much as a choice of behaviors, though the feelings should follow the behaviors. Detachment means you can maintain positive behaviors towards to others –kindness, compassion,
Don’t enable the unhealthy behaviors of others
Focus on yourself
Forgive, but don’t forget the need to protect yourself
Grieve the relationship as it was, the hopes that you had, the mistreatment you received,
Refuse to be manipulated e.g, emotional blackmail
Respond, don’t react (think out ahead of time how you are going to deal with a situation)
Separate yourself - physically, emotionally, spiritually, mentally, socially from others behaviors/feelings
Set boundaries
Say “No”
Space –create it between you and them
Try not to take the behaviors personally
Treat others and yourself with love and dignity
You can only control /change yourself – your emotions, your behaviors –do not take responsibility for the others feelings or behaviors
Realize it is a process and that you will make mistakes and get “sucked” in, but that you can learn from your mistakes.
.............
#1 Look after yourself. You have a lot of issues and need time and energy and space to deal with them
#2 Detach emotionally - counselling may be helpful for that - also a book and workbook about Walking on Eggshells" is good and other resources for those with narcissistic parents like the website
#3 Set up the boundaries according to what you think is right, and what you want to or can do and let her know clearly - maybe putting it in writing would be helpful - you do NOT have to do it all for her. Look after her needs of you want to, or help her find someone else to, but not necessarily her wants
#4 Know that when you set boundaries she will test them, and her behaviours may escalate. Be prepared and stand firm and by all means go back to work though she will do what she can to prevent that and make herself the center of your existence. Resist those efforts.
#5 Pat yourself on the back for having survived the trauma of having a narcissistic mother
They need attention (narcissistic supply) - and it is more about that than anything else I think - to be the center of your universe. If you do not give it to her she will find it somewhere else eventually.
Learn about narcissism and detaching, and then do it. Start focussing in your own life and building it up. Your mother will not like it and will probably increase her bids for your attention and also say things that are hurtful to you. Try to not take it to heart - not easy I know. Therapy/counselling would be helpful for you in making this transition. Accept that your mother is who she is and likely will not change, and grieve the loss/lack of the mother that you deserve/needed. This is an important step in accepting the realities and moving forward. Keep coming here to get support for making these changes.
I do not contact my mother when I am on holiday, If you feel you must have some phone calls why not limit the number of calls and limit the length of calls? I know it is very hard when you have been "trained" that you must make your mother happy, but no one can make anyone else happy. I used to think that as long as I was nice and treated her well she would come around. Well, she is 103 now and I am 77 and it hasn't happened. Some years ago I changed my tactics and decided to be more honest - with myself and with her. She will never be the mother I need/needed. I have had to grieve the lack of a nurturing mother. I found substitutes along the way in the mothers of friends, and in girlfriends. I limited contact and felt free not to answer phone calls. I worked on accepting that she is the way she is and that she will not change and if I wanted to get more comfortable with her I needed to change. I am still working in all of that but have made quite a bit of progress. People like my mother and yours want to be the center of their children's universes, and they work hard to achieve that. They don't respect other relationships like spouses and want to come before a spouse, before children, and before your health.
Would you listen to anyone else who spoke like that? I hope not. Well, it is not healthy to listen to her either. That is called enabling. You are your mothers narcissistic supply. If you stop being that she will find someone/something else. I did a lot of that for years but finally learned not to and you can too.
Start detaching and start setting boundaries. I will post on detaching below. Recognizing a problem is half the battle. Good for you - you are on your way! ((((((hugs)))))
Today presented me with everything I feared, and I actually think I did pretty good for me--in huge part thanks to all of you. So, my mother has always gi ven me grief when I hjave left with my husband overnight. She says she never did, but she did--and it ruined any hope of having a free and good time. I did the best I could but there was always a huge shadow because she would call or I would call her and we would have these long coversations about how alone she is and how she hopes I am having a wonderful time, all the while dripping with sarcasm and meanness. This has been going on for probably abpout 5 year