Is it normal she's so negative?

AmyGrace, Thank you. I do respect my mom and her wishes. I have done exactly that--turned myself inside out to make her happy. I realize she will never be happy. She cannot see the good for only seeing the bad. Everything is terrible in her eyes. If I try to make a positive statement it upsets her that I don't take her side. I have even tried to agree with her and it back fires on me. (i.e. she was talking about how the food is no good at AL --which it is rather delish--and I made a comment trying to agree with her and bam, she said, "why do you keep me here then if you know it is bad?" ) I cannot agree to appease her because she always has something to come back with. This has been her personality most of her life, but it has become much worse. In all honesty and respect for her, she truly does see this as my duty to fix it for her. She really thinks I should do more. In her eyes she is responding appropriately to the negative world around her. How sad, and I cannot fix it.

I haven't talked to her in 3 weeks and it feels very weird. I feel like I am doing something wrong. When I think of her laying in her bed thinking of how "bad" I am, it saddens me. I have always been the one to run back to her and try to fix it. I am not going to do that. I am not being stubborn by any means. I am protecting my feelings and trying to find some peace in all this. She also has told someone that I haven't called or come to see her--never mind she told me not to. She leaves that part out.

I have two ways of how I feel. guilt: I am doing wrong by not taking the initiative to make it better--but wait, I have!!--I have tried and tried. Then there is peace: peace that I don't have to hear the complaining, negativity and the put downs--(through innuendos).

I realize we all are going through difficult times. I hope I can be as strong as some of you!

I too warned my mom of her behavior and how it would land her in a different place. Now, it is my fault she is where she is--her words. She doesn't ever take responsibility for her actions. I know you hate seeing your dad like this as I do watching my mom waste away and blame everyone else for her misery. It is very difficult to deal with them in this manner. I do not like being around my mom for she complains and the negativity brings me to a very low place. I try not to take it personal but when they make it a personal attack, it is hard not to be down about it. My mom too will lay in the bed for days and not get up. they encourage her to get out of her room and she refuses, then she likes to blame me for her being so miserable. I took her there, I don't take her anywhere, I don't care--these again are her words. She points the finger all the time. she tells me how so and so has a great daughter and/or son. how they come and visit, bring them things, take them out to eat, blah blah...I too have tried these things and she refuses. It is though she doesn't see me visit her every week and call her two or three times a week. That is all invisible to her. It is never enough. Very frustrating, I will tell you.

UPDATE::: I called a counselor. Waiting for an appointment time. This will be a new experience for me. Thanks for your encouragement.

Jeweltone: You are a good person and you are in emotional pain. Your mother must be my mother's clone because her behavior is exactly what we went through with Mom in AL, everything (but fortunately she was a pretty good and decent mother when we were growing up) We have tolerated 20 years of complaining in her own home, IL, and now complaining in AL. We realized she has never been happy, she doesn't know how to see the good in anything no matter what we do for her. She cares more of how she appears to others but doesn't care how she is with us. Don't let her get to you. Have you checked with her doctor? If this is not her normal personality, she might need antidepressants. We are trying that with Mom because none of us want to be around her either - so don't feel guilty or beat yourself up over your mother's negativity. If that is her normal personality, you can turn yourself inside out for her, and she will still complain but it is worth a try to put her on antidepressants, for your own sanity. So good you can safely vent here because you have to get your feelings out somehow. I admire you, that despite all, you still respect her enough to protect her privacy.

Katie - sad story - and had anyone considered treating Dad for depression? It sounds like you love each other a lot but have a hard time with negative feelings - he's not really hating on you, he's just depressed when he says things like that. It is possible he needed to talk about his grief, first for mom, and now for his own health. His asking about getting his health back was probably a very positive thing, and if he has never had the benefit of a comprehensive geriatric eval to include or even just be with a psychologist, it could be worth while even now.

That said, being angry and then feeling guilty about being angry isn't a good feeling for you. It's normal to be sad and angry about losing your parents or seeing them decline. Totally. There would be something wrong with you if you weren't. Taking pills and observing fall precautions are things older folks - particularly guys - just hate to have to do, and I'd see if I could find it in my heart to forgive him on those. Realize that these things happened not just because of his non-compliance but also his losses in physical function. You don't need to feel guilt for normal feelings - hey - you have lost your mom too, and now you are watching your dad, and wanting to affix blame and be mad as well as sad is also very normal; and yet, it's not all his fault, or anyone's things have not gone so well lately. Can you still get him out to dinner or join him in other activities at the facility? Can you bring him his favorite items to keep at the facility? Talk with the staff about how to encourage him more - if they are good and caring people, they will notice things that he might not say or show to you when you visit.

My dad used to be the most positive person there was. He was always happy and kind; glad to see me, etc. He was kind to everyone and still loves to sing; yet when staff tries to get him up out of bed now..sometimes he's willing, and other times he just wants to be left alone.

Some days he's nice to me. and then other days he just says, "Blah blah blah..don't you ever shut up??"; while I tell him, "Dad..I'm trying to help you, but I'm not going to come and visit you if you're going to be so cranky all the time.." Those are the days he'll say, "Goodbye then..Bye..bye..bye..go home then and don't come back..I don't care.."

Breaks my heart over and over again.

Sometimes I get soo angry and talk to my husband about Dad being where he is now is his own darned fault. Had he just listened to me he wouldn't be where he's at now and probably could still be in his apartment in Independant Living. Wouldn't have taken much but he just wouldn't listen and went ahead and did it HIS way!!

Then I feel guilty for saying those things as I love my dad. He's my best friend and it's been he and I since Mom passed away.

Just makes me angry as he lays there in the nursing home..the one I told him he'd be in if he didn't listen.

He'd say all the time that he didn't want to be in a nursing home; as I'd tell him that if didn't do the simple things to keep him from getting there like take his meds, etc..it was just a few little pills..and if he didn't take them..one day he'd wish it WOULD take just a few little pills to get his health back.

A few weeks back he asked me if I could take him to his doctor so he could get his health back. My reply was that all he had to do was cooperate with the staff that wanted to help him and it would help him get his health back.

Instead he wants to lay in bed all day feeling sorry for himself. I can tell by the look on his face somedays that he's completey aware of what's going on around him and just plain angry about his situation.

I can no longer help that and again, it makes me angry as had he just listened to me..again..he wouldn't be at the place he's at now..not even being able to wipe his own rear end.

I used to say to him when he just layed in his bed wishing he could just die because again..he misses Mom so much, "God isn't finished with you yet..and you need to appreciate that blessing. You have me and we have each other. God has plans for you and you need to put one foot in front of the other.."

I was taking him out to eat three times a week; taking him out to see my Mom; taking him for rides, etc.; all which he appreciated.

But he didn't listen and fell.

I warned him about all of this and sometimes I am soo angry, yet feel guilty for feeling like I do at times, because I love my dad to pieces. He's my best friend.

I never thought there was such a thing as burnout when it comes to those we love..but there is.

And I feel guilty as heck for feeling the way I do at times.

My prayers go with you...I know what you are going through. Fortunately, my mom does not have dementia (maybe a small amt.) but she has always been very difficult and with her 95 years she is just "more" of the same. But I have always been there for her when my other 7 siblings are not. I have one sister that helps out from time to time but it really ALL falls on me and my dear understanding husband. It can really get to you at times, I know. Sometimes I think I may be having a nervous breakdown, but I know that I am not. It just feels so overwhelming at times. I also know about the "giving in" to her demands. I, too, am weak when it comes to her. So trust me when I say that I understand. But you are not alone...we are here to listen. If there were words of wisdom I could impart, I would. But for now, I'm all out. Never fear because I AM A GOOD LISTENER! And we're here for you...God Bless.

My mom is negative too and she has early onset dementia. I can only spend an hour with her before I get extremely stressed. I limit phone calls too. With all the activities in assisted living, she doesn't really call or care if I call her as much because she is so involved with the activities. If you can get away with it, just limit it to save your sanity.

Jewel, I'm afraid it will always be difficult in one way or another. What you're currently going through is a stressful "adjustment," as you hold firm to your decision, which I'll remind you, was to-honor-your-mother's-request to stay away. She's having to adjust to the consequences of her actions too right now. And she's not exactly a champ in the resiliency department, is she?
Don't beat yourself up with regrets about her living as close to you as she does -- either way, it would have its own set of difficulties.
As time goes on, she may become angrier -- but YOU may become much better at making peace with all of this, and her anger won't matter nearly as much.

Update: I thought things would get easier, but it seems that as each day comes and goes, things get a bit tougher. Something always seems to come up that I have to take care of for my mom. Not through her calling me, but just the opposite. She will not call me but these things need to be done and being the POA I am the ONLY one who can take care of it. She wants to revoke the POA now and that is fine. she wants to do things on her own. She is sneaking around calling other people asking for help now. She thinks she is pulling the wool over my eyes. The stressful part--like loo loo--is we still have to hear what is going on and I think that is just as stressful as dealing with them face to face. I want free of all of it. she doesn't want me involved at all now. She has told others she doesn't want me to know anything. She is a mess. When my mom gets mad, she burns bridges. She doesn't look back. This is all fine with me, but I am still the caregiver per say. Oh how I wish I didn't move her so close to me. If she were an hour away would make the difference. I pray for some closure to this. As time goes on, she will become more angry at me and it will be hard to ever make a mends with her--not that I want to, but eventually I will "run" in to her and it will be very awkward. Just needing to vent today. Thanks for listening.

found a good telling of the fable at bradtricola.blogspot/2011/01/bridge-and-rope-fable-about-not-being.html

of course in real life the person is not a stranger...but of course in real life, most of the time, the person won't really die when you let go!!

Well said Babalou...I agree with you 100 percent. My mom thinks because I have POA that I can tell her what to do and I know that is not true. I have tried to explain it to her with no luck. She has lost most of her reasoning skills. Not so much memory, but reasoning is a huge loss for her. Even when we got the POA 3 years ago, the attorney even told me in front of her that I could not put her in a nursing home, I could not make her live with me or any of the above. --not that I had planned on it, but he was helping make her feel better. It is just a tool to be able to help my mom take care of things she can't anymore. I have told my mom the exact same thing. I told her no one is making her stay at AL that she can leave at anytime. I also like how you have reminded me that she, in turn, cannot make me do things for her either. She hates the fact that I have access to her things, that I know anything about her. I offered for her to keep her checkbook and all her paperwork, but she insisted I take care of it. Now she is regretting all of it. I am standing strong. I am not calling her, I am staying away.

Jewel; just remember that none of this is your fault. If mom ends up in the hospital, if she does something stupid with her money, it's not your fault. Given that she has dementia, she may or may not be able to rescind the POA she's given you. What makes her think that you're "in charge"? POA doesn't mean you're in charnge; it gives you permission to carry out your mom's wishes on her behalf, not dictate to her. If mom wants to get out of AL and live on her own, she could do that without your permission, but what she can't do is insist that you help her, visit her, rescue her or open your home to her. Perhaps, like everything else, she's misunderstood what a POA is.

Jewel, you've gotten her to a place that is safe; happy is HER problem, not yours.

The downside of not having POA will be if she enters the hospital, needs doctor care, and does something stupid with her money. She doesn't like I am in control plain and simple. I don't really like being in control anyway, so I guess it would work out.

Heidi, I wish I had the guts to stay away for 6 weeks and not call, I am the weak one. No courage here. Ha! Before my mom became ill, she would go months and not talk to me.--getting mad over something silly, like me doing something with my dad. (they are divorced in case you hadn't read that earlier). Once again, who would give in and call her--ME! I wish years ago, I had stopped calling and giving in. But I am here now, so I am sticking to my guns. If she calls me, I am not sure I will even answer. If she leaves a message and needs something, I will make sure she gets it.

Another thing I haven't shared until now is my mom, when she was well, went 5 years and didn't talk to her mom. Once again, getting mad over things that didn't matter--but to her they were a big deal. She thinks it is everyone else, but I believe I am seeing a pattern here. I have been dealing with this issue for a very long time, but for the past 4 years we now have doctors involved. Looking back, --hindsight is 20/20-- I can look back about 10 years ago and realize she was really changing. She is so much herself, but there are things she just can't do anymore or at least it wouldn't be safe.--Her mind sure can make her seem well and she is so believable which is the scary part.--it is almost dangerous.

I will tell you that today I have had a very peaceful day and I hope it continues. I could get used to this.

Many ((HUGS))

Jewel, good for you for keeping distance when your mother stated that she wanted you to to stay away, and for deciding to work through all of it with a counselor. Your mother, plain and simple, is irrational and self destructive, and you know there's nothing you can do about it. It sounds like she's upping the ante by "threatening" to remove you as POA, but as Babalou mentioned, how would that really be a negative for you? Yes, as a daughter who's tried her entire life to be dutiful and caring, AND to be recognized and appreciated for doing so, it's hurtful and insulting. But it's your mother's pattern.
Write again and let us know how the counseling goes. I bet you'll start to see things so much more clearly, and the stress and heartache will diminish a lot. A LOT!
Hugs!

Jewel, glad you are going to see a counselor. What is the downside of your not having POA?

Jeweltone, that conversation sounds like so many I've had with my mom. I have to applaud you for calling her and trying to speak with her, tell her how you feel, and in a reasonable way. I haven't talked to my mom in 6 weeks (my husband went and got her xanax for her) and I don't have the guts to do so because of the screaming and drama. Maybe I'll get a bit of courage from you!
You're making an effort, and you're trying to be there for her, so you shouldn't feel bad, even though family drama is, well, family drama!

jeweltone

It does sound like it was the right sermon for the right person in the right place today for you. That is wonderful. I'm glad to read that you are going to call a counselor this week and begin working through this.

Keep coming back and updating us. You are making progress!

Thanks to everyone for the encouragement. I went to church this morning hoping for more answers. The message was uncanny...lol. It was about David and Goliath--facing our biggest challenges. Wow, could that have been for me? I faced a very big challenge today. After I came home, I sat on my bed for at least 30 minutes with the phone in my hand starring trying to make sense of it all. I dialed the number, canceled the number, dialed the number, canceled the number--you get the point. The longer I sat there the more my heart raced. My anxiousness almost took me down. I took a deep breath and mustard up the courage to dial the number and let the phone ring. Here was the "gist" of our conversation.--

Her: Hello
Me: Hi, are you watching the game?
Her: Yes (at this point I am thinking this could go better than I thought)
Me: Telling her we just got home, blah, blah--trying to make conversation
Her: SILENCE
Me: silence
Me: You there?
Her: Yes, just listening to you.--with a sarcastic type of tone
Me: Ok, do you need anything?
Her: Nope, not a thing.
Me: Ok, I thought I might come up one night this week after work if that is alright with you? (here we go, get ready, brace yourself)--
Her: Well, only if you don't come here and throw one of your little screaming fits.
Me: I didn't throw a screaming fit. I didn't even get mad. I just walked out because you cursed at me and practically called me a liar.
Her: No! I did not! I know what I said.
Me: Repeated verbatim what she said...I even included the curse word
Her: Maybe I said that, but I know what I said.
Me: I also feel every time lately that we have visited or talked on the phone it didn't end well. It hurts my feelings when you say things to make me feel like a crappy daughter.
Her: Why do you come if I hurt your feelings every time. I wouldn't want to be around someone that hurts my feelings all the time.

At this point I am trying to tell her how I feel. She is not taking responsibility at all for her part in all this. I am not saying I am perfect and I haven't said things back, but this has been ongoing from my childhood.

Me: I feel like I have failed you because it is never good enough. All I have ever wanted is for you to love me unconditionally, no matter what. I just want your approval and for you to be proud of me.
Her: Do not put this off on my shoulders, do not blame this one me.

Again, more explaining.

Her: Just don't come back.
Me: Is that really what you want? I guess I have failed at my part (just trying to take responsibility on my part)
Her: I guess we both failed.
Me: That's not how I see it.
Her: Just don't come back.
Me: You are sure that's what you want? --(why do I keep begging at this point, I have no idea)
Her: I said, Stay away from me....
Me: Ok, then, I am here if you need anything, but I respect your request.

I am calling a counselor this week, to try to make sense of it. I know I am going to need a lot of encouragement to stick to this. I am sure she will also call and revoke the POA...and who knows what all she will say. Telling the attorney she doesn't trust me and so on. The backlash of all this could not be good. I am really trying not to worry. I have done nothing wrong, but you know the guilt they can put on you.

Thank you for your support in all this. I know my mom is safe, fed, and well taken care of...that gives me much relief.

Jeweltone, your story sounds so much like my mom. I get so much of that kind of flack, how I'm two-faced, or plotting against her, or the cause of the drama. I know I have to change how I react -- be beige, or whatever -- but it's the hardest thing!
I hope your call goes well!

Jewel, you are still waiting for your mom to become the person you'd like her to be. Only therapy is going to help you to do the very hard work of grieving the non-existence of that mother and accepting the one that you've got.

The fact that you're getting scared sick feelings even when not interacting with her tells me that your relationship with her is still causing you the physical manifestations of stress. Your body is paying for this. Please make an appointment to see someone this week.

She will only ever see the situation through her perspective and will never be able to comprehend your side, regardless of what you say to her or do for her. She is not going to change at this point and is probably incapable of it. You have to do what you can to protect your own sanity. You have done all you can for her and have to let what she says go, just as you would if a toddler gets angry and says hurtful things. You cannot help what she tells other people and whether or not they choose to believe what she says. They have not been in your shoes and cannot understand the full story. They will believe what they choose to believe. You will not change her or convince anyone else of your righteousness, nor should you seek to. You know you have done all you can for her. After having done the best you can for her, your job now is to protect what you can salvage of your own life and sanity, even if it takes completely cutting off all contact. She has made her choices in life. Do not let that guilt trip she keeps trying to make you go on destroy you.

jeweltone,

I noticed some have encouraged you that it's time to take care of you with some therapy. Have you made an appointment yet? No one else in this equation can change but you. Sleep well and keep in touch.

Once again here we are...it is Saturday. I haven't talked to my mom for two weeks tomorrow. I know I need to call her and check on her. I am so nervous, especially after all the things I have heard she has said about me. It is so hurtful to hear that your own mother doesn't trust you and thinks you are the cause of the problem--meaning me. She has told someone that she wants to revoke her POA. She has said she is calling the attorney and revoking it because she doesn't trust me. After 4 years of being POA she all of a sudden doesn't trust me? She also told this person that I got mad two Sundays ago and stormed out--not true, I didn't storm out, I walked out. She told them I got mad and we were just talking She made it out to be nothing and I was just a spoiled brat. She said things like, can you believe she brought me here and dropped me off and don't come back, what kind of daughter is she anyway? This person described motherhood to her and that as her child that I am only responsible for making sure she is safe and well taken care of. My mom had the nerve to say to this person, "Well, we have a different perspective on what children are supposed to do for their parents"....????What does she think I am supposed to do?--Give up my life, my family, my friends? Move her in and pretend no one else exist? While talking to this person, she told them I had them fooled that I was just miss goody two shoes to everyone else, but I was not to her.--that I was mean and hateful with her. I think she is confused who was in what role. I wish I knew what to say to her when I call her tomorrow. I cannot let her know this person told me these things because she wouldn't trust them either anymore. How sad that the person that is supposed to love me the most, makes me feel the worst?!?

Until tomorrow... Sleep well, my friends.

Today is the dreaded Sunday. Guess what?!? I went to the grocery for her, got her medicine, and I sent my husband to take it to her!! YES I DID!! I am so nervous about it, anxious feelings, but I am yet so proud of myself. I have not called her since her fiasco last Sunday. I do not plan on it for a while. I am taking charge of my own life and my own happiness. Not matter the circumstances, I cannot make her happy. Feelings I have right now are very mixed. I feel scared and anxious because she trained me this way--to be afraid of her and what she might do. He came home and he said she was NOT happy and ask where I was. He told her I was home getting ready because we are going to see my daughter an hour and a half away (this is true). She asked him if I was over my mad spell.---Yes, you read that correctly, she thinks I am the one mad. She has issues beyond measure. He played dumb and told her he didn't know I was mad.--good boy! Ha!! He did ask her what I was mad about and she didn't answer and changed the subject. Now she thinks she has spilled the beans. Glad it's her spilling the beans this time. I definitely have a sick feeling in my stomach and wonder how long I can keep this up, but I have to. Thanks for reading and enjoy this glorious day.

No one's world is perfect, but my mom believes her's should be...and I should be the one to make it that way. She has always set me up for failure..HaHa!!

Ideal would be that we didn't have to listen to their idea of us taking care of them. I do not mind at all taking care of my mom as I am sure everyone else feels the same. What I do not like is how unfortunate that they do not see the good in it.

Who's world IS perfect? My mom's favorite phrase is "this is not ideal" --???

Linda, I told my mom that very same thing on Sunday. I told her I cannot make her world perfect, that I have tried and failed. I explained to her that I knew she looked for me to make it perfect, but I was sorry that I cannot.

A month or so ago she told me they didn't come in enough to check on her and that they weren't taking her food order til late. So, I called the director and told her some concerns. They are doing better, and now my mom says they come in too much. Really!!?? Just always looking for something to complain about. I did read something not long ago that made me realize that they think that it is everyone else because they think they are responding appropriately to the negative world around them. The world is negative not them. Sad!!

I too feel the depletion of myself. Broken, I am just broken. I also worry about the future with her. my mom being just under 70, this could easily go on 20 or 30 more years. GROWL!!

Jewel, I so agree. I'm not sure if it's sadness, resignation, frustration or a combo, but I feel this total depletion of spirit in dealing with my mom. It's knowing nothing that my sister and I say or do, will make any difference to her. It's knowing that we will forever be engaged in this struggle because we can't make her life as she wishes it would be (like it used to be). It's knowing that she'll never enjoy family time or outings because she prefers to focus on what she doesn't have. It just flat exhausts me to think about the effort involved in a future of more of the same old drama.

This is a very difficult situation for each of us. The burden of knowing we are responsible in some form. It is agonizing for me to think I have to keep doing this. I was so proud of myself for setting boundaries and she keeps crossing them over and over. She really doesn't care. This is not my "new" mom acting this way because of an illness. This is who she really is. She only thinks of how she feels and really thinks it is okay to act this way. I think she feels some sort of pleasure when she says mean things.

Like with your mom, looloo, I too feel I need to do things to help out. We feel some sense of obligation to them. Unfortunately!!

Jewel, no biggie -- the story's told in slightly different ways, but the moral is that it's ethically ok, and even necessary to one's one well-being, to "drop the rope." If someone has burdened you with something that isn't YOUR burden (like your mother blaming you for her unhappiness), eventually the only resolution will be to walk away and let them figure things out however they decide, on their own. If you don't, then, well, you see what happens. She's never any happier, and you're a whole lot more miserable.
Today, I called my mother and spoke to her very briefly for the first time since last summer (with the exception of 1 or 2 10-second long phone calls). It went well, she sounded cheerful and happy to hear from me. I did my best not to be "seduced", but it was a relief to have a brief, low-maintenance conversation.
I asked her to go to her weekly calendar and write down a reminder to set her clocks forward this coming Saturday for Daylight Savings Time. And I let her know about her doctor's appt this coming Monday the 9th. I waited until today (Tuesday) to call so that she wouldn't have to figure out more than one Monday in her head. She gets her weeks mixed up quite a bit.
She asked which doctor this was, and I told her it was an orthopaedist, who might be able to treat her spinal stenosis. Didn't mention the possibility of surgery. She seemed fine with the info. And I told her I'd call her later in the week and remind her, and that was about it. BIG cleansing breath after I hung up.
Now I have a 6 page thing of information to fill out for the doctor....