Is it normal she's so negative?

I thought one of the three C's was going to be chocolate.

95? Wow, that is a long life. Looloo if it is wrong for you to think about a time you can burn papers, then it definitely is wrong I hope 95 is not a number I write about my mom. That would be almost 25 more years of you know what. Not for me. I hope I am living in 25 years and I am able to enjoy my children and then there should be grandkids to enjoy, no time for mom and her hateful self. Finding something to keep your dad busy at 95 is not an easy task. If he can read a novel, could he play cards or games? Does he like to go out when the weather is good? I guess because my mom is so negative about everything, it is hard for me to give you advice on what to do because nothing works for her. Good luck!

Looloo also I noticed how you said your dad was miserable himself. I do not want to feel that way for the rest of my life. I used to never feel that way, but now, things have changed. I work very hard everyday clearing my mind and how I feel. I am also finding myself looking for excuses not to go to my mom's. She is out of one of her meds (anxiety) so therefore she will need it by tomorrow. It is frigid cold here and they have called off school.--below zero before windchill. Is it bad I am going to call her tomorrow and tell her it is too cold to get out? Ha! I just don't want to go. She gave me a list of things she needs and I haven't had time to go out and shop so I don't want to explain myself tomorrow why I don't have everything. Last night we had no heat in the house and thank goodness for friends with electric blankets. We at least slept warm. We froze this morning getting ready. I took off work to be home to have the heat fixed. Good thing it was a simple fix--very thankful for that. To my mom though, she wonders what in the world I do all day. Why can't I get done what she wants.--ARGH!! Like right now, I should be putting in an assessment of a child I work with, but I need some downtime first.

I better get started on the "important" things in life.--No, mom, not what you need done. Ha ha!
Have a great evening...

**The 3 C's of life--Choice, Chance, Change.
You must make the Choice,
To take the Chance,
If you want anything in life to Change.** -- This really spoke to me and I wanted to share...

looloo, you will more likely put it all in a big box and move it up to your attic. And if you have done your work well, you will not have to bring any of it back down again. It will feel like a relief and a little death of something all over again at the same time though...

I'm imagining you hustling around the house like a private eye, and wishing you had a little bitty spy camera to complete the scenario, with the Mission Impossible theme playing in the background :-) My search for mom's important papers took place while she was in the hospital after she had the fall that ended her independence, not even knowing that it was going to be permanent at the time, so I had the luxury of taking all the time I needed with everything. I did not learn as much that I did not already know as I thought I would - there were a few little things, though.

I think it's perfectly normal to feel that way. It's hard enough for us to keep track of our own paperwork, etc. It's not easy for those of us 'selected' caregiver's to have to rummage through our parents items, especially after they're gone. Try to be kind to yourself and treat yourself to something that will ease this process.

Hi everyone...I need to come up for air for a bit and say hi. Yesterday, I used a personal day and drove over to my mother's house, so I could do a few things while she was at her dr's appointment. I called the receptionist and asked her to call me when my mother arrived, just to make sure she actually went, and also to make sure she was out of the house so I wouldn't see her. No one called, and I was pretty certain that she was there, so I just crossed my fingers and headed into her house. All clear! Phew...
I managed to bring home a bunch of files to go through, and I also got the code off of her golf cart's ignition, so I can get duplicate keys made (her stupid pain in the ass neighbor hasn't returned them to me, and I want to maintain no contact w/her anyway). I tried to go through her phone call log and block numbers, but wasn't able to figure it out. I also tried to *77 (supposed to block unidentified numbers), but that didn't work either. Very frustrating.
Today, on my lunch break, I started to go through the files. Now, I feel a bit sad, as usual. My father was the one who organized all that stuff, and his "system" made me remember how he'd get anxious and angry, and make ridiculous amounts of duplicate copies, then file them all over the place. Argh. I did find some notarized documents that should have been with their trust stuff, so that might end up being a good thing. And I found a nondescript typewritten list with his wishes for what to do with the stuff in the house. He didn't specify exactly what to do re-this in his will (nor has my mother). No surprises, so that's good I guess.
I'm just a little melancholy because I can feel HIS depressive/hopeless/who cares anyway/live is sh-t and then you die attitude coming through. It's just sad. Despite however he felt about his life, there's evidence staring me right in the face that yes, he had some serious traumatic stuff happen, but he was also very lucky much of his life, he made some really smart and sound moves that paid off over time, and his career was something he truly loved. I know if he were here, and I had the nerve to say anything to him, he'd stop speaking to me. But he's not, so...
Anyway, is it wrong to hope for the day when I'll be able to burn all this paperwork and move on?

My Dad is falling apart in another state: almost deaf and now almost blind, he has lost his love who is in a NH with Alzheimer's. It's awful trying to communicate with him. What can I say to cheer him up? So sad. I will be visiting him soon. He also lives in an indep type building with some in-house activities.

My question is: what kinds of activities would he enjoy with his hearing and seeing down to almost nil. He can walk some and is relatively healthy for 95. He used to love jokes, music, and history. One thing he has now is a big machine to help him see and read from a book. He just finished a novel.

I keep asking him if he has the best hearing aid or not...he doesn't think anyone can help him.

HI Everyone. Happy New Year. Bablou I agree with your suggestions but I also know how hard it is to separate yourself in the present from the parent's past actions that have hurt and wounded you: especially when its the same tone of voice, the same look, the same sarcasm, etc. They trained us to respond to them and now we want to break that chain of reactions. Of course it's awful hard. It took me almost a lifetime but I finally started going to a counselor. The counseling has helped a lot. I've been more able to gain distance, make boundaries, and separate my thoughts and feelings, sorting out and taking charge of my own mind. I definitely saw changes in my mother: first horror and anger that I was not her submissive scared puppy anymore, and later I noticed she respected me more. Now she still has trouble being able to tell what is appropriate and what is right and wrong, real or imagined, and Dementia or aging in the 90s makes it all tougher for the elderly. At a time when their bodies are falling apart, fear and lack of control is the norm, I can even sympathize with her that now, her one love, me the daughter, is not "available" as she wants or needs. But I have to keep saying, I am doing my best, and the rest is her problem. I can't live HER life, or get into her head and make her happy. Mission impossible! So one has to back up and dole out what you can in smaller and smaller portions.

I have good news: after years of my mother throwing serious temper tantrums, having to go to the ER, blaming her illness on me, and so on...all this usually after I go see my close friends in the next state, THIS time, she didn't do any of that old stuff That's because she is living in an independant apt now and is happier and more easily distracted.

When I returned after 5 days, she was grateful and actually we had a wonderful day going shopping for clothes and food. Now I am trying to let her know that I can't spend an hour on the phone listening to all the gossip she wants to share with me of her new friends and the people she is getting to know. I don't mind some, but I do work at home. I'll be thinking of a nice way to listen and also to be able to hang up, or not get the phone at all. Any ideas?

Jewel, I hope this is the year you keep on getting stronger in yourself and find the missing peace!

Jewel... Their world gets smaller and smaller... It's so hard for 'us' (that are younger) to understand how they 'live/hang' on every word their loved one says/does (if they're lucky enough to have someone in their lives... Think of a lot of people in facilities that don't have anyone...). I hope you're doing better today... !

Jewel, I feel real bad for how hard you take your mom's "comments". And I know that you've told us that she's got a long history of narcissism. But when I read what you wrote about yesterday's visit, what I hear is your mom's very broken brain trying to make sense of the facts as she sees them. You came today. You didn't come yesterday. Your daughter is home from school, so why can't she be here? (Am I remembering correctly, did I see you yesterday? You usually come on Sunday? Was yesterday Sunday? Not at college? She could come here? I want to see her). Decisions are so hard for those with dementia...I need my nails trimmed, but I have company, what should I do? Bringing you along was a triumph for what brain cells she has left, not blaming, maybe.

Jewel, for your own peace of mind, go back to therapy and work this stuff out. You are allowed to have terrible feelings about how your mom treated you in the past. But this journey with dementia is going to be much easier for you if you can separate past hurts from current brain dysfunction.

I went for my visit with my mom today instead of yesterday (Sunday). She reminded me too.--that I didn't come on the weekend. My daughter and I have made several visits over the past few weeks during the holidays, but it wasn't enough. She told my daughter today that she should have been visiting since she was off college since December. I told her that we did come visit and she said not on the weekend. Ugh! Why does it matter when we come, be glad we come at all.-that is what I want to say. It just is never enough. She don't go in great detail since my daughter is there, but she makes her little remarks. I know she is lonely, I realize she is bored, but she will not do anything we suggest. The visit wasn't too bad, very tolerable which I keep praying for. She got her nails done while we were there. Had to practically beg her to go. They came and told her the lady was there and she said no, I have company. Then to us she said, "I need my nails trimmed but I have company".--I used to trim her nails and do her hair, but I got out of that after she got mad a couple months ago. Yay! We encouraged her to go anyway. We offered to go with her and she finally went. Then she told the lady that we wanted to see her get her nails done. Oh my goodness. She always blames everything--even the silliest things, on other people. What ever works. She got her nails done and we left. How lucky were we? Very!

I am feeling better, not as sad as I was a few days ago. Winter blues also gets me good. --plus the effects of caregiving. I hope one day I can afford to go somewhere warm and sunny during Jan, Feb, and Mar

Hi everyone,
Well, tomorrow is the first work week of the new year. Back to the grind. I had 4 entire days all to myself this weekend, and it was SO wonderful. Husband went out of town for a mini vacation, and so my dog and I had a lovely "bachelorette's weekend", lol. I live in a warm area, but we had a cold snap. Still, we did a lot of hiking, I went to see Into The Woods (thumbs up!), and it was just very calm and relaxing.
I did get an email from my cousin (the only one who's in touch), with the news that her MIL (my mother's older sister), has declined further, has hospice, and they anticipate that she will not be around much longer. She said that her husband called my mother to let her know, and I said I hoped she took the news ok. She replied later that my mother sounded ok. I hoped that my mother would NOT call me, and she didn't.
On Tuesday, she has her 2 hour EEG appt., so I'll take advantage of her absence and give her house a quick review (gardening, housekeeping, etc.). I'll also take some paperwork, and will try to do what I can with her phone to block those damn solicitation calls.
Hope you all have a really good week! Whatever your resolutions are, I'm cheering you on :)

I'm right there with you. I know the feeling of negative energy infringing into my psyche and the ugly feelings it brings. I was always a happy spirit but I have changed and many people have noticed. I tell you it's a day by day struggle...sometimes good but unfortunately often times bad. As I'm writing this comment, mom called and left another passive/aggressive message so I didn't pick it up. I told her I would visit for an hour or so but like you, I needed time to take down Christmas decorations. Needless to say she is not happy, but I purposely told her I would visit at a later time because I knew she had to go down to dinner. That way I could leave without TOO MUCH FUSS! I usually have her over for Sunday dinner but this week I am taking a break and sort of paying for it if you know what I mean. Okay...she's calling again... :{
I know about not being able to vacation. My husband and I have cancelled 5 times in the last 4 years. While everyone else in the family does their own thing, we caretakers are left behind. Try to get out and take even a small stroll if you can. It may take some of the gloominess away. It might help some. This may sound a bit trite but if you have a good movie (nothing sad), make some popcorn and let the movie take you "away" for a little while from your troubles, maybe that could help. I don't like hearing that you are sad, but always remember that you are never alone. All of us are thinking and caring about you. It's good just to vent and have some support...I'm a good listener!! xo

Hope everyone is having a good start to their new year. I have been more sad than usual. I think a big part is due to the winter, no sunshine weather. I have done so much better telling my mom that I am not coming for a visit. My daughter and I went to visit on Tuesday and being today is Sunday, I told her I wasn't coming today. She asked me why, and I just told her I needed to get my Christmas decorations down. She didn't like it much, but I am learning to say no. I am hopeful to stick to it more often. My daughter goes back to college next week and I will not have her to go with me as often. Being around my mom makes me ill. Her negativity is starting to fester in me. I do not want to feel like she does and I am fighting it hard everyday. Maybe my feelings for her make me sad, I am not sure, but I am focusing my attention forward. If I could afford to go away on vacation for a week, I would go to get away. I need sunshine.

Hope all is going well. Look forward to hearing from everyone.

Hi Jeweltone and Happy New Year! I like your new year rules and happy that you had a reasonably good visit. :) I have to admit that over the last 15 years of caring for mom; I've let myself go. This is going to be my year, too! I don't have time to think about myself much but this year I am going to try and take a little time to do some good for my husband and me.
I'm glad that a new year is just ahead and that hope springs eternal, at least until Sunday, right? ;) I'll be with mom for several hours tomorrow afternoon and then I am going to enjoy my NY evening with friends and husband. I hope you do the same for yourself...try to forget and enjoy for a time... God bless you and how right you are...A "HAPPY" New Year...bring it!!!

Checking in after Christmas and before the new year. I cannot believe we are getting ready to start another year. I am so hopeful this year will bring much more joy than the last 5 years have brought. I am filled with joy and blessing except when it comes to my mom. It is so hard to believe one (1) person can bring such misery in a life. I am vowing to NOT let her get to me so much this year. Ha! We will see. I am not saying I won't complain about her complaining, but I am saying that I will try harder to ignore her nonsense and enjoy my days better.

On a positive note, my daughter and I went to visit on Friday after Christmas, which I think I mentioned. It wasn't too bad. We went again today because she was out of medicine and needed a new trash can. I think she looks for things so I will come. The visit was very pleasurable and my daughter even raved about how great my mom's mood was today.--she said, "granny was so much more herself today, the granny I remember"... Yes, she was. My daughter has a hard time understanding why that doesn't get me excited. Next visit could be hell so it is hard to enjoy peace when you know what it to come. This was an abnormal visit. Even though I enjoyed it and so wish that every visit could be this good, I try not to let my guard down too much.I had already planned on dropping off medicine and trash can and getting out within the hour. My daughter knew it was the plan. My mom coaxed us into going for a walk to look at another room, yes, she is thinking about moving rooms...ha! She likes to move I guess. She thinks if she moves things will be better. My mom has always been "the grass looks greener on the other side" kind of person. Someone else's life always looked better, their food looked better, their hair looked better--(you know, I cannot count how many hairdressers she went to over the years trying to get someone else's look), etc. If she can move to another room and be more content, then I am all for it. After the hour, I said it was time to go and silence. She looked at my daughter and said, "she only comes in and out", "she can't stay longer than 10 min." We had been there over an hour. If you don't stay til dark, then you didn't visit. It's okay, because the visit was good and we left on good terms. She tried to get us to stop and visit one of the other ladies and I kept walking--it was just her ploy to keep us there longer. As I walked she said, "are you in that big of hurry to get home?" No, not in that big of a hurry, mom, but I am ready to go home. I don't have time to stop and visit, but you can if you want. I have dinner to cook at home...gotta go. She walked with us to the elevator and we changed the subject and she did fine. We left and I am glad it is over. Now, I have a break until Sunday.

New Year, New Rules for me. I am going to try to let it go as I walk out the door after a visit. I am going to get back in my exercise routine and learn to breathe and enjoy each day. When I do something that doesn't involve her, I feel I am doing something wrong. I know I am not, but I feel like it. I am going to stop feeling that way and do what I want, even if it means she doesn't talk to me anymore.

Happy New Year, bring it on!!!

EdieOho: I am so with you. I am too very tired of the abusive actions my mother puts on me. I would love to be like your other siblings and walk away. Being an only child, I don't feel I have a choice, but you do. You can walk away and maybe someone else will step up for a while. They know you will do it, that is why they step away. They have you to do the dirty work.--maybe they are stronger, either way, they have had the guts to walk away most of the time.

Today, I called my mom and told her I would be up tomorrow (Friday) as I told her yesterday I would. She yelled at me and said, "I THOUGHT YOU WERE COMING TODAY?" Shew, I said, no, I told you Friday. She said, whatever, and hung up. I do not want to go tomorrow and my daughter tells me I don't have to. She reminds me that I worry too much about what my mom thinks and says. She is SO right. I can't explain it, but she is right. The mental anguish it puts on me is too much. It seems I only do what my mom wants when she wants it. I have said no lately and I am reaping the repercussions. Her anger, her hateful words, and guilt trips. My daughter has been going with me to be a cushion because my mom won't show herself as much, but she is getting tired of going. She is upset that I am not making my son go too. When my son goes, my mom brings it up later about how bored he is. Well, he is a 16 year old boy listening to his grandmother complain. I am bored too but not allowed to show it. Ha! If I could get the courage as your siblings have done, I wouldn't go either. Find out how they got the courage and learn from them EdieOho.

EdieOho--I hope you spend some time reviewing many of the posts in this series--it helps me when I do. I am 62 and should be all grown up for goodness sake, but find myself feeling like an inadequate, unloved, and rejected child at times. BUT I am getting better and better (at least I think I am). You will never fully receive what you need from your mom, and therefore you have to set your boundaries. Write them down, adjust them, revise them, but keep them ever-present in your life. My husband is a saint but I know it wears on him. Hang in there, stick with us who write, and it will help!

Merry Christmas! Happy Chanukah! Happy Holidays--whatever you celebrate -- to all of my friends who write in. You all help me every day. P.S. I love my mom, too and lately things have improved, but I suspect things will not always be this smooth--I have to stay on guard and be ever-ready. I feel blessed that we have had a pretty long period of kindness and calm lately. Love to all--

Edie, who is prescribing for your mom? Has she seen a psychiatrist?

Can you simply walk out when she gets abusive? This sort of behavioral intervention often works with folks who are nasty by habit. Deprive her of the audience.

It's Christmas eve and I've just about lost it. I come from a family of 8 children, I being #7. They have all but turned their back on our mom. She raised us with a loving father who was the love of her life and we all were very, very on the bottom of that totem pole. I began caring for my mom and dad when dad's health began to spiral. The family was hardly present, but all show up at the important times like funerals. Mom has always had an abusive mouth towards her children and as she got older it just got worse. But I vowed to my dad to take care of her on his death bed and for over 15 years I have stepped up for everything. But at 95 (she is in assisted living) she is worse than ever with me. Her attitude is pretty okay with the rest of the children but not so with me. I see and care for her almost every day. If I physically don't visit her, I am on the phone with her 5,6,7 times a day...always, always, always complaining, yelling, passive/aggressive to the point where my poor husband has had it as well because of all the distress she is giving me. I love her very much, but have put up with this type of behavior my entire life and now it has magnified 100X. That is why the rest of the family has pretty much abandoned her. They visit once in a great while, have a nice afternoon and then they are off and mom is thrilled with them. Then I enter the scene and it is the same heartbreak over and over. Because I was raised with her verbal abuse, it is very difficult for me, a 56 year old woman to stand up to her. The times that I do, I am feeling so guilty that I obsess over our conversation and end up right back where I started. I know I need to stick to my guns in a loving manner but it is so hard to do. I know I need to get away from it for a while but I keep allowing myself to get drawn back into it. I know what I need to do, but am also weak and tired and I just don't have the mental energy.
I applaud all of you wonderful caretakers who have done what it takes and who are doing God's work...I will hopefully and prayerfully learn from your wonderful examples...God bless you all.

Called my mom today as I promised. Told her I was coming Friday, as I promised. I invited her here for Christmas and she said......."no". Yay for me. Now I will say that when I go Friday she will probably be mad because she chose not to come and that I chose not to beg her. She will continue to make me feel guilty because I had someone to share Christmas with and how nice it is to not be alone and in "prison" at Christmas. (it will not matter that she was invited)...and that is OKAY! Yes, I am so okay with it. I am more at peace today than I was yesterday. I plan for tomorrow, but I am going to live for today.

It will be a Merry Christmas because I am keeping my eyes on Jesus and He is showing me the way.--I will also tell you He is living through you to help me through this.

Love to all!!

Thank you! I even feel guilty reading "be disconnected for two days". Ha ha.

If my mom had full blown dementia--to where she forgot everything--meaning she repeated herself because she truly forgets one minute to the next, I believe it would be a bit easier. She only forgets somethings but boy can she remember most everything. Her reasoning and decision making skills are what is lacking right now, and it is enough to make me forget who I am.

Thanks for the encouraging words. I have decided I am going to call her tomorrow and tell her I will be up on Friday. She can cry all she wants, but I am putting my family first!!

Jewel, I think you did wonderfully in that conversation! I'm very impressed! I believe that this will get easier, the more you do it. But yes, don't answer the phone for a couple of days !

Jewel, something else I don't like about dementia is no decision is ever decided. They forget they decide something, then we have to go through it again.

Enjoy your pajama day. I think my phone would be "disconnected" until after Christmas.

Bullying is a term that I have just learned to relate to my mom. She has bullied me all my life. She manipulates me to no end. I have enjoyed the last few days after our visit on Friday. It seemed to go well and I told her I would see her on Tuesday. she was fine with that. I called this morning to let her know I would be up at 2. Her exact words, "They are having a game at 2." I said, "is it something (my daughter) and I can join you?"
Her: "uh, no, I don't think so".
Me: Ok, I can come Sunday.
Her: What are you doing tomorrow?
Me: Christmas with inlaws
Her: Oh, I forgot.
Me: Yea, I can come Sunday.
Her: Sunday? Where are you going Christmas?
Me: I am going from the bed to the couch on Christmas.
Her: Oh
Me: I can come today or Sunday, mom.
Her: Well, ok then. Bye.

10 minutes later---- phone rings
Her: what are you doing tomorrow?
Me: Um, we are going to the inlaws...???
Her: ALL DAY?!!??
Me: No, not all day, but we are going there.
Her: Are you cooking???
Me: Fixing a salad.
Her: I hate it here!!!!, you don't even care! They do stupid things here, playing some Christmas game!
Me: You don't have to go, mom. I am glad you chose to go, but you don't have to.
Her: I force myself
Me: I am glad you do.
Her: You don't even care that I don't have anywhere to go on Christmas.
Me: YOu are welcome to come to my house and watch us sit around in our pajamas, mom. We aren't doing anything.
Her: You don't even care.
Me; I have tried to fix it, but I can't.
Her: How have you tried to fix it?
Me: I have moved you everytime you says you need to get out of there and that you are miserable.
Her: silence, how can you act like nothing is wrong. Silence....
Me: Silence....
Her: don't you have anything to say?
ME: No, mom, I do not have anything to say.
Me: My family sees me stress out over this situation with you, because you don't see it, doesn't mean I don't care. You are welcome to come over.
Her: I am getting off here!!
click

Ok...this is my life on a daily basis with this woman. I am worn out, frazzled, stressed, and can't even enjoy the holidays for wondering what kind of fit she is going to throw. Maybe she is right, I DON"T want her over here complaining, whining, and crying about herself and her misery. I don't want to spend my Christmas with my family in misery. I guess, I am thinking is it ok if I don't ask her again. I have asked three times with no response. I am tired of begging her to be happy. It is not up to me to make her happy, but yet I continue to try. uuggh!!

I guess I am not looking for a true answer, just needing to vent. My family gets tired of me talking about it to, because I keep doing the same thing, doing for her .
Thanks for listening... Merry Christmas!

Jeweltone: I think you and I are still in the habit of hoping and wishing our mothers were different, and we may feel anger, rage, injustice at their antics. Babalou is right.
I am working at trying to love whoever my mother is right now, but somehow without being attached to her, being attached to my own expectations of her or my pleasing her, and any other junk like that. It's really hard to tease apart the emotional patterns we were trained in since birth.

I went to an all day meditation today. It was wonderful. I prayed that God would help me find a way to be loving without being hurt. I know a true yogi has gotten rid of the ego and thus can give love unconditionally. I ask myself: Who is hurt now? What am I hanging onto? What must I let go of? How can I keep my dignity or should it even matter with someone this age and that demented, or deaf, etc.

I don't have any answers. I know I could develop more patience, keep my opinions to myself and just nod my head and try to be useful. So happy to do something else when I don't have to see her. I feel love for her the next day, as the annoying feelings soon evaporate. And sometimes, there are moments we both enjoy.

My prayers are with you for finding the right attitude that gives you peace and gets you through this.

Jewel, it is important just to be able to say what goes on. That's true. But my goodness I do hate to think how your mother bullies you. I told you not to come/why weren't you here. I don't like fussy wrapping/why haven't you wrapped it. I'm not having a birthday/you're coming to my party.

She torments you. It's awful. I know if it were easy to stop you'd have stopped it. It just ***looks*** so easy from the outside! Hugs to you. That's that for this year, anyhow.

Her dementia is very mild and yes, I realize her reasoning skills are lacking. I just write what is on my mind. No matter our situation, it is frustrating and writing it helps me. I realize all these things...I realize she can't reason like she used to, I realize she has been hateful and negative all her life, I realize no matter what I do she will still find a reason to be angry. I realize I tell her things that will make her less angry. I also write these things hoping that it will help someone else see that they are not alone.

Toxic is the relationship whether it has happened now or 40 years ago. It seems you have found peace and I am happy for you for that, but many of us have not found the peace we are looking for yet. Therefore, we continue to write our thoughts, our feelings and how our day went.

Jewel, your mom has been diagnosed with dementia , hasn't she? And yet you write as though she has adult reasoning capability. Several years ago, my mother was diagnosed with Mild Cognitive Impairment, the result of a stroke that we didn't know about. (She has since had a big stroke and has vascular dementia). But back to MCI. This means that the person in question has the reasoning ability of a child. Think about the way a child processes wishes. They want what they want...right now. It doe matter what they wanted yesterday (unwrapped present). What matters is what they want now (sparkly wrappings ). Add the memory problems and her lifelong personality disorder...well, it's a toxic mix.

YOU need to take care of you. Nothing you do will please mom unless you become a mind reader. Do what you think and know is best for her and be at peace with that.

Juddha hang in there.

As you know I was dreading today. The non-birthday lady visit. When my daughter and I went in she immediately jumped up and said, "I thought you were coming yesterday?" I waited all day for you to come. Why didn't you come? Mom, I said Friday and you repeated me. She looked at my daughter and said, "no point in arguing with her, she always wins." BAHAHAHA!!! I wanted to laugh out loud. If she waited all day, then why didn't she call. No, she sat mad at me and pouting as each minute passed 1 p.m. The staff had her cake waiting and we went to the dining room--she whined that she didn't want to, but she had a great time. We hurried her up to the dining room so we could get out of her room and away from the negativity that was getting ready to happen. Then she asked, "aren't you coming tonight for the party?" Yes, mother, we are coming...uugh! I didnt really want to but we went and it was enjoyable. Yes, read it twice, enjoyable. You may not read those words from me for a long time, but today was pleasant.

I took her gift but didn't wrap it upon her request. She wanted to know why I didn't wrap it. No comment from me. Then she told the staff she didn't expect a cake from them she thought I would get her one...go back and read my last post. no gifts, no flowers, no cake. LOL. I said, "you told me not to"....everyone laughed and believe it or not, she laughed too and agreed that she said it.
My husband even asked her to dance at the Christmas party tonight and she shook her head no and said I don't dance.--well, she used to.

After the party, I did her pills and told her I would come on Tuesday next week. She was disappointed I wasn't coming Sunday. She said, We are getting off schedule. I told her only until after Christmas. I think I will make up a holiday so I can skip visits. I can at least rest this weekend knowing I do not have to go and I have had a decent visit for a while.

Bless each of you this weekend as I know each of us are going through rough patches.

Good news: Mom is doing well in her new senior independent living place. Everyone seems to like her and she is eating up all the attention. More and more she relies less and less on me for tending her emotional well being and is taking more responsibility for herself with pride. (ferocious pride, I'd say!) I admire her for her many qualities as others do, but I have trouble enjoying her company.

The dramas elders enact are all to keep their little girls at a soldier's attention.
My mother starts out her phone calls with, "Ah J.....! Listen, listen, I need this....."
It always is presented to me as if she just placed the world on my head and I better drop everything and get to it. Later it usually turns out to be nothing and even she dismisses it as important, without any apologies. The next demand comes shortly and the pattern continues. UGH.