Is it normal she's so negative?

It is Sunday... I called mom this morning and she sounded like she had been crying. I didn't ask, but I did ask if she felt ok. She said "no, my nose is stopped up" so I asked her if she felt like me coming over. With an answered prayer, she said, "no". I told her I hoped she got to feeling better...with no response, she just hung up the phone. Wonder how she would react if I just hung up with no response to her? I went to her sister's house yesterday with family to eat Thanksgiving dinner. I am sure mom is pouting because she chose not to go and we chose to go. Anyway, I did not have to go see her. I was able to take advantage of the time and put some Christmas decorations outside. I do realize at some point this week I will have to face her with all the questions about dinner at her sister's. She will quiz me over and over. "Bet they didn't even miss me did they?" "Who asked about me" "What did they say"? on and on. No answer will be good enough. Listen to me, Ha! Already dreading another week. Stop it! I tell myself, just Stop!

Looloo, your mom didn't teach you to be rude and neither did my mom. They knew better to raise us to be rude, they may need us one day. We were conditioned to be "nice" to them at any cost. I see myself in you when it comes to wanting validation that we are doing a good job for them. They will never acknowledge what we need from them--good girl, I am so proud of you. The only validation my mom wants is me telling her what a wonderful mother she is/was. NOT!!! I will not validate that to her either anymore. I read something about how to deal with the chronic complainer--this came after having Thanksgiving dinner with her at her AL the other day. All she did was complain the entire time we were there with her. My husband said, "well, it seems your mom is back to herself, she complained the whole time" Ha Ha! It is so true. Now that she is back to herself for the most part she complains even more. Anyway, after reading this article on why people complain, it made me realize that my mom doesn't see herself as a negative person. She is just responding appropriately to the negative world she lives in. Sounds crazy, but this is how they see things. They see the world around them as negative and terrible and they have to live in it. The world is not perfect as they see themselves. I cannot imaging how terrible it must be living in a mind like that. I do not want to validate her feelings anymore about how bad things are for her. I do not see the world as she does and I am so thankful for that. It was great of your brother to stop by and see your mom. I too wish I had someone other than me to fill in from time to time.

I spoke with my mom today about going to her sister's house tomorrow for dinner. She does not want to go and I am absolutely fine with that. A peaceful dinner without the complaining monster. I was willing to do it for Him, but I am thankful to Him for keeping her home so I can enjoy the day. While on the phone with her she proceeded to tell me why she couldn't go...different reasons kept coming out of her mouth. I then said, "let me know if you change your mind" oh boy here it came, "change my mind?!!" How am I supposed to change my mind. I have told you I can't go and you keep asking... so, then I said, "ok, mom, I won't ask anymore--this was in a kind voice. She then said, "Fine!! Do what you want"---then hung up the phone. Ha Ha! I stood for a minute and looked at the phone and then all I could do was laugh. I laughed and thought, she contradicts herself all the time. Didn't want me to ask, but yet gets mad when I quit asking. Whew, no wonder I feel like I have lost my mind sometimes.

CM-Doing the right thing sometimes is hard. If I gave back two fold, my mother would be much more miserable than she is now. She thinks I am hateful to her now, but she really has no idea what it could really be like. We are the ones that have to look back on this one day. I do not want ghost of Christmas past visiting me. Sometimes I think that is what is happening to our mothers. Maybe the skeletons are just too much for them to bare.

Have a great weekend!!!

True, CM, it is about doing our best. A few minutes ago, I got an email notification that my brother stopped by to visit her today. I'm glad that he can at least do this, since it's something that makes me ill to even think about doing myself anymore.

Are we getting too cynical, Looloo?!

I got that wince-making "it's all about giving back" treacle from a florist today - rare outing with mother, getting her hair done and she wanted to buy a gift for my SIL who's looking after her (gulp) next week. Not wanting to spoil the moment, but couldn't help myself pointing out that my mother packed us all off to boarding school from age 8 and if I were giving back I'd have turfed her to residential care six years ago. So no, it is not about giving back, it's about doing your best. Grump. The flowers are pretty though! - she chose a nice arrangement, minimal input from me.

Hi there, just jumping on to say hello! It looks like many had a lovely day yesterday :). I did too. It was just my husband and I, and one friend, who shares custody of her young daughter, who was at her dad's. We had a lovely relaxing day, eating too much, and just hanging out.
After dinner, we watched "The Judge". Did any of you see this movie? Robert Duvall and Robert Downey Jr. It was good, but.... Lol, it personally made me rather sad, especially watching it on a traditional family-centered holiday. The father/son relationship is pretty awful, then, since it's a movie (haha), there is redemption, peace, and love. Sorry if I just blew the whole story! Anyway, I am sadly, too cynical to appreciate that. I compared my situation to the movie story (never a good idea), and was left feeling annoyed, and tempted to ruin the moment for everyone else by saying "Oh, brother!!" Hubby and friend really liked the movie, were very touched by the story, and I was just...feeling nothing, just knowing that I will never have that with my mother, and what a shame.
I woke up today feeling more lighthearted, with a sense that I overcame a slight emotional hurdle, and that felt good.
No shopping for me this weekend! Just enjoying the long weekend :). Hope you all are too!

One Christmas, many years ago, I was short on cash for presents and living in Georgia. So, I baked some goodies, put them in a pretty basket along with a new dish towel and mailed the package to Tennessee. She later told me she thought it was tacky & cheap of me. I was both angry & devastated. Looloo, like you, I would also get my hopes up that our relationship was getting better...only to have those hopes dashed. Again and again and again...I am in GA right now to stay with my sons because aunt & uncle's family is coming in for the holiday and they need the room I stay in.

Seething? No, not really seething. But yes, I would not accept treatment like that from anyone else. Plenty of times, I've given gifts and not received a thank you or any acknowledgement, and I don't feel terribly hurt, but I do decide not to make an effort again. And I definitely feel that the relationship is obviously not all that I thought it was. But I'm not horribly hurt, if that makes sense.
I do wonder what she thinks, and then tell myself I'm wasting energy thinking about it. She probably feels sorry for herself, turning what for anyone else would be a thoughtful gesture into something negative and insulting instead. Nothing I can do about that. Just have to devote my energy and time to more worthwhile things.

You must be seething. It's not the rudeness (though who else would you take that from ?!!), and it's not the rejection even (you must be regrettably used to it), it's the sheer frustration of *what is she thinking???" Honestly, wouldn't you give your right arm to know what chain of thoughts goes through her head when she must be making the conscious decision not to pick up the phone and say "got the flowers thanks."

Next time send her a rope of garlic bulbs.

Well, the flowers I ordered for my mother were to be delivered yesterday. I didn't expect any phone call from her--it's always been her pattern to NOT call and acknowledge or thank me, but sadly, I was a little bit hopeful that she might this time. I know she's still able to pick up the phone, dial a number, even find the number of someone she wants to contact (as evidenced by her calling a plumber last week), and it would have been a courteous thing to do. She didn't raise me to be rude like that. Anyway, nothing. I called the florist and confirmed that it was delivered, and they didn't just leave it on her porch -- she signed for it. A note was enclosed, so there shouldn't be any doubt as to who it was from (unless my name and my husband's name no longer ring any bells, but I don't think she's quite at that point yet).
I feel that awkward combination of feeling a little more liberated, and at the same time, rejected again. It does reinforce my decision to stay away though. When doubts rise up, she never fails to squelch them back down again.
Deep breath -- Have a wonderful Thanksgiving everyone! Enjoy the good smells in the kitchen, and the company of warm and loving family and friends.

What a wonderful thing to read this morning, Jewel -- thank you! Have a wonderful Thanksgiving :)

Update: Okay, girls. I told my mom about my dad and his next door extravaganza. I didn't tell the whole story, grant it, but I did tell her he bought the house next door to rent or sell. Oh boy what a look. She pointed her finger at me and said, "he will be over to your house everyday". "you won't be able to get rid of him". I tried to reassure her that he knows how I feel about it.--and he does, but he doesn't mind me either. Ha! I didn't tell her until I was getting ready to leave on Sunday so who knows what the conversation will be like tonight when we go for Thanksgiving dinner at her AL. Another dread!! I did go Sunday to visit and it was surprisingly pleasant. If it could be that way more often, then I would go more often. It saddens me to know that I cannot enjoy my own mother.

As most of you know, I have asked the question over and over "why do I keep doing this?" Well, I got my answer on Sunday at church. I have prayed and prayed through this "why?" process. The sermon was about Eutychus when he sat by the window and fell out while Paul was preaching. The minister went on about how he never sat by the window anymore, he sat with Paul. He asked us to think about the window we keep going back to. Of course, my mom came to my mind immediately. He stated to stop going to the window and sit with our Saviour. Then while singing a hymn I was reminded I do it all in His honor. I realized that I do not do it for her and I do not do it for me, (because you know I do not want to) I do it for Him. I do also realize that He does not want me to be miserable and abused. Through this realization, I also remember that I can still walk out at anytime and I do not have to take what she throws at me. But I will tell you that I feel so much better realizing the "why"!!--for me that is. We all do things for different reasons in our lives. We all have different faiths and different spiritual ways that get us through each day. I also believe that each of us are given a different strength from a higher power. My strength that I have been praying for is not the strength that I am given. I still feel weak when it comes to her, but I feel very strong when it comes to Him. May each of you find your strength from your own higher power and go with it.

Last share of the day: I was also reminded today while talking with a collegue, that with every positive there is a negative and vice versa. There is a begining and an end, alpha/omega, ying/yang--you get the point.... So for that, taking care of our parents is a positive thing, but there must be negatives to go along with it. Let's not let the negatives over power our positives in our lives. Let us see the rainbow in the rain. The beautiful flowers we see in the spring/summer would not survive without the rain.--positive/negative. From this day forth, I am going to "try" to see the positives and when she throws ourt her negatives, I am going to do my best to sheild them from my thoughts. Have a great day and have a Happy Thanksgiving!!!

My mom was like that. Can you imagine being yelled at because of a little nice normal public kiss when you signed up for your marriage license? Why, oh, why do some people place so much greater value on some phony ideal of dignity and propriety than on nurturing and affection? Glad we are finding ourselves able to change and give hugs and touch and say the "I love you"s out loud!!

Ehhh, it's petty and silly and a waste of energy to think about it, you're right CM. The flowers are a "We won't be visiting for Thanksgiving, but hope you have a lovely holiday and we're thinking fondly of you" gesture.
Yes, my family too -- we never touch, never ever said "I love you", none of that nonsense! But I can do it easily with others. I'm sure we've looked so strange to others over the years, and we were.

Looloo you can't charge her for her own flowers - !!! Well, you can, but it slightly defeats the object doesn't it?! I'd let it go - you've accomplished the bit you wanted, which was to do a nice thing for her. If she doesn't respond, well… you've still done the nice thing. Let her be curmudgeonly if she likes. Are the flowers for a birthday?

I know exactly what you mean about the signing off with love awkwardness. Not with my mother, but I have this with all of my siblings to one extent or another. It's very irritating, actually. I send messages to friends and cousins quite easily with lots of love and kisses, but when it comes to emails and texts to my brothers and sister - hours of dithering putting an x, deleting it again, deciding I sound stroppy, putting in the x, thinking it looks a bit bare, adding xxx, calling myself a massive hypocrite ("what are you doing???"), accidentally deleting the entire text, cursing loudly and then calling them because it's quicker and there are no affectionate conventions to worry about. Phewf.

I have no idea where these emotional walls come from. Another cringe moment is when we're saying goodbye in person. I kiss my brother in law, and my brother's girlfriend, no problem. But we, as in "We" the family, don't touch, ever. So we end up with this odd quadrille where we appear to like our in laws but can't stand one another. Why? How did we get to be most comfortable with a default position of mild hostility? Because clearly we're all normal people who are perfectly capable of basic social skills. What brings us out in a cold sweat at the thought of kissing our siblings?

I think it's very sad. I'd hate my children to be so uneasy with one another. But when I think about trying to change it… can't. Too hard.

I got a decent night's sleep last night, and let all the thoughts about yesterday drift into perspective a little bit. I know it's not hands-on caregiving, but still, it's very stressful, and takes so much out of me -- just trying to be so very conscientious, responsible, prompt, proactive, alert, intuitive. And whatever else. Oh, I forgot -- nice, good-tempered, patient! Lol.
CM, yes, it does reflect her attitude, and my unhappiness and anxiety about her attitude. I am lucky and have worked hard to not be in the position where I'm beholden to her for financial reasons. Her attitude is a sad cycle -- where, even though she's narcissistic and believes she's superior to others, conversely, she also believes that there's no reason for a relationship if some practical purpose isn't being served. With me (probably because I'm the child, she's the parent), she thinks it's money related. And I've mentioned before how everything with her feels like a transaction. You can't just DO something with no ulterior motive, or expectation of something.
Anyway, I ordered a nice bouquet of flowers to be delivered to her next Tuesday, and signed "Love, D and A...." A few months ago, when I had new shoes delivered to her, I couldn't manage to add the word "love", but now I can (after thinking about it in a Buddhist 'metta' kind of way--you know, loving everyone/everything because we're all connected, so how could you not?). It doesn't actually reflect particularly warm feelings for her though, I must say.
I will wait and see if she acknowledges them with a phone call. I've seen evidence within the last week that she is still quite capable of taking the initiative and making a phone call if she wants/needs to (she managed to call a plumber last week and handle that--I double checked by calling the plumber myself after I saw the check clear online). So, if I receive a phone call, that would great, but I'm not betting on it. And if not -- well, then I'm thinking that reimbursing myself for the flowers wouldn't be the worst thing.

So you're folding your arms and thinking "humph!", Looloo? I don't blame you. In our darker years I used to feel like that when people complimented me on how utterly charming my son is. [thinks grumpily] "Well not with me he isn't…"

I am not a Freudian, but I'm sure my psychotherapist friend would call that dream a classic. I think it almost certainly reflects your anxiety about your mother's attitude rather than your innermost secret desire to pinch her money, don't you?

How nice to be able to heave a sigh of relief that your mother's getting on well with this carer. Umm. Not to cast a shadow, but don't get too comfortable about it, will you? - I hope not, but she might be biding her time…

Well... I'm sitting here at my desk, smiling. Mostly smiling. I'm a little smug too. And, a little hard on myself of course, and confused, because what would this journey be without confusion.
I scheduled a short phone update with my mother's home care person, and she called me this morning after finishing up with my mother. Maybe I'm naturally anxious, and maybe it's because it's mom-related, but I prepared for the 10-minute casual phone conversation several days in advance, writing out my questions (in yes/no, check/not check format -- because I'm anal that way, lol), making mental notes to myself, and so on. Last night, I had trouble sleeping, and had my usual stress-themed dreams (this one was about how I completely accidentally arrived home with my mother's purse, and she told me how it was an example of what I "really cared about", which is her money of course). I woke up with feelings of self doubt, wondering sadly if she was right? Because otherwise, why would I dream that??? Ugh. My mind is my own worst enemy sometimes.
Anyway, her care person called me right on time, answered all my questions, and left me feeling reassured and confident that my mother is doing as well as can be expected -- maybe even a little better in some ways.
This is the part where I felt smug -- the care person mentioned how she solved my mother's problem of her keys going missing, and described her solution, which was a very good one. What is such a strange coincidence, because the nosy neighbor had emailed me maybe a month or more ago, describing the exact same scenario, and explained to me how SHE solved the problem, and how great it was working out. I couldn't keep such juicy news to myself, so I mentioned it to the care person (I had asked her in the course of the phone call if she had much interaction with this neighbor, and was happy to hear that she had only spoken to her twice in the 5 months she's been working for my mother). She laughed and said, "Ohhh, okay!!!!" I felt so vindicated, even though it was such a little thing.
And, I asked about my mother's general mood, and she said she's pretty cheerful, and getting to be warmer, more conversational, and so on. I was truly happy to hear that, but I did feel a little down, knowing that she is just not that way with me. I related the whole conversation to my husband, and he said "well, isn't she usually pretty cheerful?" I said "Not when it's just me there. When it's just me, she's down in the dumps."
So, the phone call was a success on may fronts. My mother is doing well, it sounds like the leve of care she's getting is appropriate for now, and I have confidence in her home care person. I don't think I can ask for anything more! Christmas has come early :)

Looloo: The holidays are always a good time to second guess ourselves. Our guilt comes in to play. The time of year we are supposed to "love" everyone unconditionally and be at peace with our lives. Is this real or is it a dream we all have? Who knows the real answer, but no matter what time of year it is, we need to do what works best for us at this time.--even though it is Thanksgiving and Christmas. Hang in there, you will get through it. I know that you have consciously made this decision based on her actions and how it affects you. It is the right thing when we choose to do this out of protecting ourselves and not out of anger.

My visit today was short and sweet.--sweet?, maybe not, but I was in and out in 30 min. She started crying as usual but about her mom and dad. Her mom died this time last year and her dad has been gone over 20 years. Now she is feeling remorse for all the meanness she put forth on her mom too. She told me she wished she hadn't sold her house, she would have taken her mom home with her and taken care of her--NO, she wouldn't either, because she was retired for 5 years and never once offered to bring her home with her. That is just a guilt tactic toward me. She said I had no idea what it was like to not have a mom and dad. I told her no, but I was very thankful I had both still with me...she just looked at me, because she hates it when I am thankful for my dad. The next issue is to tell her about my dad and this elephant next door.

Thanksgiving?!? What will I do with my mom? Today, I have no idea. I did offer that she could go with us what ever we chose to do. She just snarled her nose and said she didn't feel like it--that is a week away and she already doesn't feel like it. They are having dinner on Tuesday at the AL so I assume we will go there with her. I know it is terrible, but I would rather not. I guess I feel like that is the "right" thing to do as a daughter.--well, her daughter. She definitely has a way like I have said, to make you feel that way. How does one do that? I cannot seem to break the spell.

One more week, then three more weeks. The first of the year is around the corner. We can do this!!

Good morning everyone. Jewel, glad you said the visit went well, but it sounds dreadful to me. Do you have any plans for how you'll handle your mother during Thanksgiving? Hope you have a really nice time with your family and friends, and let your mother feel miserable if that is what she chooses.
The past few weeks have been relatively drama free, but for some reason, it has been difficult mentally/emotionally/whatever, lol -- to make peace with my decision to not call my mother at all over the holidays. Last year, there was so much crazy going on, and a lot of pain, and so when I didn't go down for Thanksgiving then, it felt like simply "calling in sick" -- it wasn't a conscious decision to keep contact to the absolute bare minimum, like it is now. So I've been running my conscience ragged, making sure I'm doing the right thing, it's not out of anger, it probably won't even be a blip on her radar at this point, and so on. It's still not easy, being the first holiday season that I'm implementing this. I definitely feel that, on the day after Thanksgiving, I'll feel like I've crossed a hurdle and can move forward again. Hope so! :)

Hope everyone is doing well. We had a snow day from school. Brrr! I do not like winter, but I will take a day off from work. Went to visit mom on Sunday and my daughter went with me. The visit went well but she didn't like that we were leaving after two and half hours. I have to go again tomorrow after work to refill some medicines. She told my daughter that I am just in and out when I come. She also told her she wants to buy a house and I won't let her. Ha ha. She is right for sure. I have sold one house for her and I am not going to go through that again. I am the bad guy ya know? Not happy she has someone to care for her, just nursing her anger and her grudges. She will never be happy as long as the nursing continues.

I am glad there are no major issues going on, next week (Thanksgiving) will surely bring drama from mama.

Enjoying the peace--hope you are too.

Hugs to you Looloo. This too will pass - and I hope without anything too ghastly happening to your mother. Something like a WW1 "blighty" - serious enough to scupper her donations, but no lasting damage :)

Hi everyone, it's Friday :). I'm very drained today. We have had a stressful week at work, preparing for an audit, which occurs every few years and we handle just fine -- but we're still freaking out a bit as we get everything together. I came in super early today, and will probably stay late.
Also, I didn't sleep very well last night. I had a weird dream about my dad, and I couldn't get back to sleep. Sigh.... now, I'm melancholy. I love that word, it describes my mood without sounding all clinical, hee hee.
And I'm a little jittery from too much coffee. AND, when I checked my email this morning, I noticed yet another credit card donation that my mother made over the phone, and this one was really over-the-top NOT OK. So I'm disputing it with the credit card company, since I've already tried to contact this "charity" (it's a scam, really) and have my mother's info deleted from their database, and all I get is voice mail.
It sounds terrible, but I really wish that she would have a medical "event" soon, because that is the only thing that will get her into AL or memory care. She does something alarming, seemingly every few days now, but it's all related to spending, and that's not enough. I'm so tired right now.

looloo: I am so ready to have those types of holidays. Peaceful and drama free. Everyone else in the family brings me joy at the holidays and no dread anywhere except for my mom and her drama. I am happy for you to spend the time with your husband and your watchful dog, of course... :-) Do enjoy every minute!!

Not sure our plans on Thanksgiving day, for my aunt is having dinner over the weekend. My inlaws usually go to a local restaurant for Thanksgiving--she is not much of a cook, ha! We may go with them or something I have wanted to do for years--serve at a soup kitchen. Not sure yet, these days I have to take each day as I am faced with it. Some days I feel I am just existing and going through the day. I want to feel vibrant and excited about things again. I loved making plans and going through with most of them. As it sits today, my mom takes all that away.--well, her in my head rather.

Thanks for the hope that one day.....

Hi Jewel, glad you're having a peaceful week. It seems like the holidays are on all of our minds now. I just looked at the calendar and reminded myself to send my mother a flower arrangement and have it delivered a day or two before Thanksgiving. I don't expect any response either way. It's just a gesture to demonstrate (mainly to her care giver and to her nosy neighbor, if she happens to see it) that I'm not horrible or neglectful. I do worry about appearances, especially since my mother has a history of speaking badly about me.
I think my husband and I will probably have a very low key holiday at home, which suits me perfectly. We'll cook the turkey on the rotisserie grill outside, with our dog keeping an eye on it as it cooks, lol. And we'll call and/or Skype his parents, sibs, neices, nephews who are all back East. I LOVE not worrying about family obligations over the holidays.

Happy Thursday!

Not much new here...happy, happy, joy, joy! Things are a bit calm and that is how I like it. Mom is still mom and dad is still next door, but it is quiet. My dad has been gone on vacation and it has really been quiet. He will be back soon and I am just enjoying the peace. The day is coming I am going to have to share the news with my mom and I am just building up that armour of courage.

My aunt is carrying on with Thanksgiving since my grandmother has passed. We always went to my grandmother's house--a must, ya know. This year will be different, but we must carrying on with change. I will say this out loud--I really hope my mom decides NOT to go. She has always made it difficult at the holidays--always seeking the attention and gets mad when someone says something that doesn't satisfy her.--then I hear about it for months to come. Now, I know it will even be worse. Egg shells are not easy to walk on after all these years. My patience is growing thin and I am ready for a peaceful holiday without mama drama. In 2012, I had the best Thanksgiving and Christmas than I had in 20 years. Since my parents divorce it has been quite the struggle sharing the days and most of the time my dad got left out so I could keep peace with my mom--why?--I have no clue. These are times I wish I could go back in time and do what I wanted for once. What would she do? Not speak to me?--small blessings. In 2012, my mom was really in the midst of becoming very weak on ill but wouldn't come to my house. I even cooked Christmas dinner at my home thinking she would come over. I got to spend Thanksgiving and Christmas with my family without her interferring. It was so nice. Now that she is back to herself to a big degree, the dread of the holidays is lurking once again. I love to decorate and my kids love the holidays. Therefore, I try to hide how I really feel.

I did call my mom yesterday and she didn't say two word. She was acting weird. When she answered the phone she sound as though she was asleep--which she denied. I tried small talk and she said," this refrigerator sounds like a thrashing machine." She becomes obssessed with sounds. Sunday when I was visiting one of the other ladies mentioned she had to get a new fridge and now guess who's fridge is torn up? I asked her if she had mentioned it to the director and she no, you can. So, I am going to take my time mentioning it. After I said, okay, I will mention it to her. She said, ok, bye. Good enough for me, because I don't like talking to her much anyway.

No gloom here, just sharing what I can't always talk about at home. Hope everyone has a wonderful day.

As for your brother, I am sure he is the beneficiary as well. Then it will probably be what one of you decides I wouldn't think you could take your part on withdraw and he take all of his?!? Not sure how that would work. I definitely would ask for a professional opinion. Maybe come February we can share what we find out.

I took 15 years off from teaching to stay home with my kids. We could do it then, but since I have decided to go back--it is only on a grant though. If school is out, then I don't get paid. My husband sold his business three years ago and agreed to work for the guy who bought it. It has been three years and he gave my husband a pay cut over the summer. He said business was slow..shm! He since then has bought new equipment for the business and bought his wife a mercedes suv.--grr. Business was great when we had it and we did well, but my husband's partner wanted to retire and we didn't want another partner so we sold the business. We have went from a decent income to scraps. He is looking for another job and not having any luck just yet. In the meantime we are struggling to meet our bills. I get so angry at this man who took away the money we needed to survive and used it for his own benefit (not meaning for his bills, but for luxuries) My demons are coming out of the closet, right? Ha ha!! This is why I say three years ago our lives changed drastically. My mom became ill, my husband went from self employed to almost unemployed and it seems to be a spiral down hill. I keep looking upward and forward. I know God has a bigger plan than I have for myself.

Have a great day and you do a great job dealing with all that you do! Our mother's may not give us the credit we deserve or the approval we look for from them, but--job well done!!

Hi Jewel, I'm sorry you're feeling so cynical and down when you first wake up. I feel that way too a lot of the time. I had an anxiety dream last night where I was trying to get an update over the phone from my mother's home care person, and the phone kept cutting out. The dream didn't resolve itself, it just drifted into something else. Anyway, there's always an underlying hum of anxiety coarsing through me, even if for the time being, things appear relatively stable and crisis-free. Probably for you too.
Yes, that's exactly what the article said about the IRA. Learning that was good, but then, I wondered how much duty I have to my brother when the time comes to handle whatever remains in my mother's estate. I mentioned him before. We don't have a relationship really, and that's what I prefer. Anyway, I will probably recommend to him that he speak to a financial pro, and that will be that. He can do whatever he chooses, and the consequences will be his either way.
Yes, sure, we could always use the money -- but luckily, I have steady employment, haven't had any financial disasters thank goodness, and I try to be responsible, so it's ok.
Pardon my language, but it's the life-long and continuous 'head f--k' that has become too much to deal with anymore. There's no such thing as honest, respectful, straightforward ANYTHING when dealing with people like our mothers. Their attitude and behavior just mucks up everything. And yes, I have also paid myself, and it was a very difficult decision to make, but I am glad I did it. I keep such organized and detailed accounts of everything, just in case. I have pretty good organizational skills (I'm an admin assistant), and it has served my mother's needs like you wouldn't believe. But she has always shown such contempt for what I do for a living. It makes me laugh sometimes, how she could never acknowledge my skills or contributions, but has no problem taking advantage of them. A little over a year ago, I handled an international bank transaction for her. It took 4 months to complete (European-time is I think, like "island time", haha), but in the end, she had over $25K transferred into her U.S. account, and the foreign account was closed out. I never would have considered asking for any compensation, so I didn't. And she never offered. She just acted like I didn't do anything all that important. A few months ago, when I was clearing out more old files, I noticed that maybe 5 years ago now, she had tried to begin the process herself, and gave up almost immediately. So, I think part of it was that she would never be gracious enough to give me credit for doing something she wasn't able to do.
Cm -- I didn't say anything about the ring, but yes, that is very sad. Very hard to not let things like that get to you.

Good morning all. I am realizing all these new things in my life are my new "normal". This is a lot to take in. Normal to me is laughing, doing things that make me smile, and loving my family. My new normal is nothing of the sort. I am becoming cynical, negative, hateful, and loosing the smile. While I am at work, I am a teacher, I try really hard to put on a big smile for my students and be the person I once was. I leave work and head home and the embedded doom comes over me. I wake first thing in the mornings with this "oh no" feeling of another day. Then I have to stop myself and thank God for the day. I carry everyone else's problems, as each of you have stated. I make them my own. Ok, big girl panties on...enough pity...Here we go!!! :-)

LooLoo: ESP...the IRA! I was just reading about inheriting IRA"s just the other day because someone brought up to me that It is not always a good thing. You can be taxed greatly on an IRA when your loved one dies and you are the beneficiary. I read that it is best to take the money each year--the amount due to be withdrawn rather than taking a lump sum. The taxes will "eat" up most of the money if you are not careful. I thought that when we inherited an IRA, we got the money free and clear--NO! That is not happening. Ask a CPA about what is the best thing to do. That is on my list of questions for my February appointment with my CPA.

Speaking of your mom taking money that was potentially yours, I do believe we have the same mother! Before we realized my mom had dementia, she was caring for her mother with my aunt. My grandmother had a CD cashed in and shared it between my mom and my aunt for caring for her. I was visiting my grandmother shortly after this and she asked me if I got my money--I assume since I had not thanked her. I played dumb ( I had no idea she gave me any) I said, "was I supposed to get money?" She said, you better check your account because I wrote you a check for $500. She told me since I helped her so much she wanted to give me something. She had me get her check register out and sure enough there was my name and $500. Oh boy, here we go. She told me she gave the check to my mom to give to me. BIG mistake. I could not believe what I was knowing...my mother kept my money that my grandmother gave me. Her true colors were starting to show. This was around Christmas 4 years ago--right before I noticed a huge change. My mom and I went Christmas shopping and I scrambled up the nerve to mention the money because I knew my grandmother would and then my mom would get mad that I didn't tell her. I asked her about the CD--which she knew I knew about, and told her that my grandmother had asked me about my money. You could have blew her over. She looked right at me and said she didn't know anything about it that my aunt took care of the CD and writing the checks.--which was true, but my mom had been given my check which she wasn't telling. She told me she would call my aunt and ask her--shaking my head. A few days later, my mom comes with $500 cash and gives it to me and tells me that was mine and she didn't know. Then she became angry with me, imagine that. Like it was my fault she stole from me. That means she had to forge my name on the back of the check to put it in her account. How sad someone would do that to their own child. She thought I would never know. This was December then in March is when she started showing signs of not being herself. Before that she would constantly ask me if I spent that money. She became obsessed over it. I hope you find out something, because if you are like me, you can use that money.

CM: My heart dropped for you over the ring. People are so selfish and self-centered. They feel entitled to other's belongings. I have all my mom's jewelry. Beautiful rings, but they are locked up because she dares me to wear them. As long as she is living--my hands will be dried up with arthritis by the time she passes, I cannot wear these rings. Selfish is the title to that!! ...and selfish is the SIL who flaunts that ring.

We live paycheck to paycheck and sometimes to the next paycheck. When I see the money that my mom has hoarded back--which is good for her to have to take care of her, I too get sour mouthed because she never offers me a dime. I do have control over it, yes, but it is hers. I do pay myself a few times and feel very guilty for it. One day, ladies, one day we too will be able to live comfortable and purchase that lipstick, perfume, and bask in the sunshine of happiness.

Yes, Cm. It would give me a lot of satisfaction to be able to uncover this convoluted transaction and come up with exactly what happened. I felt strangely disloyal to my mother, wondering if this did indeed happen, was it deliberate? I do feel that, yes, that is a possibility. She never seemed all that "grabby" re-money, but there was one time in my life that she seemed very angry about having to spend money on me (my wedding, which she and my father weren't obligated to contribute towards, but they felt social pressure to, and so they did). Or, was it sadly, the beginning of my mother being unable to handle things, and so this is maybe just a mistake, nothing more (if it even is that at all)? Or was it laziness/self-centerdeness on her part, just assuming that she was the only person my father would bequeath to (again, this is quite possible)? Or, the investment company itself, not dotting the i's and crossing the t's, so that nothing wrong ultimately happened, but it just looks rather questionnable. If it turned out to be no issue at all and everything was handled just as it should have been, I would probably feel a bit ashamed. Aso, I'm in the process of gathering information about the process one goes through to close out an estate, so seeing this made me think about the role of executor, and how much it entails.
Lol, even in non-eventful times, it is still a rather emotional ride.

Very hard to shake a sense of dissatisfaction about that sort of thing, Looloo. It's not the financial loss or gain, it's the correctness of it that rubs. I feel myself going prune-mouthed over a) my grandmother's eternity ring, which for some unexplained reason appears regularly on my SIL's finger humph and I suspect has a good deal to do with her having been cosier with an aunt than my older sister was; and b) some fun premium bonds which were bought for us all as small children and which never got transferred to us when we got to 18. Premium bonds are essentially a government lottery where you never lose your stake - they don't pay interest, but they have a draw once a month and send out prizes. My mother gets a nice little cheque from them every so often, and I think "that's all right, don't mention it." But humph! - I too would like a new lipstick or the odd CD courtesy of the Chancellor of the Exchequer :( Is it worth untangling these things? - I think you're right, probably not.