Is it normal she's so negative?

J - Having been through this, I can tell you there is another side to cross over to. It will be OK, even though it doesn't look like it now. Be kind and patient with yourself and be willing to accept the feelings as they come.

Part of what you might be going through is grief and mourning the Other Mother. That Mom Who Could Have Been, But Will Never Be. A lot of us hang onto this idea as long as possible. That mom is nice, polite, civil, pleasant, sweet even. She is joyful, supportive, and recognizes us for the sacrifices and hard work required from us. She is a dream and was never real anywhere but in our thinking.

At some point in all this, we end up facing the reality that Other Mother never will be. She becomes less and less of a possibility. Even the possibility itself is enough to sustain us for long periods of time despite how mean and looney tunes reality is. But when the possibility fades out, it's really hard. REALLY HARD to deal with. That hope that there could be some tiny little step toward being the Other Mother keeps us coming back over & over again.

Nothing has changed except how we are understanding it, and this difficult realization is normal. It's part of the progression or journey we're on. And it will pass. As hard as it is, you will be left with wisdom not possible any other way. This is like a glacier scraping past, down to the bone. In its wake will be something stronger and magnificent to behold.

Take the time away. You have to give yourself permission to retreat twice as much as you advance. Now is time to retreat and heal. No rehashing. No regret. I suggest looking into some mindfulness meditation. It really helps me get rid of all the noise of what won't ever be and practice protecting myself.

Mourning and letting go of expectation, of disappointment, of hurt, of all the invalidation this situation brings is really important. You will turn a corner and have a new understanding through this.

Everything done from now on is done because it's necessary to maintain mom's safety. It's not done to create happiness for anyone. It's not done because it's expected by other people. It's not done because we have always done it that way. There will be a LOT less to do, and please try to find freedom in that, not disappointment.

It was very strange for me to go from doing EVERYTHING for mom to doing NOTHING in a short period of time. I hated doing everything. I felt like a slave to an angry and capricious woman (because I was). Not doing anything felt wrong. Surely I ought to be over there doing something, even if it's just sitting with her. NO! The realization that I am actually not needed in her life was liberating but very challenging for me to accept after hearing for 43 years that I am the only one who can do X, Y, Z.

I did not get the situation where we can sit calmly together and do a craft or discuss old times. I did not get a mother who is thrilled to see me at all (except that one time when her meds were very high). This is not my fault and there is nothing I can do to fix it. I deal with it by having infrequent, very short visits. Very short- 20 minutes max. And I always take someone with me. It has to be between 10:00-13:00 on a Sunday or not at all. Those are my rules. This is how it goes down to preserve my peace, my tranquility, and my emotional well being.

I am sending thoughts and wishes for calmness and insight to you today.

Hi Jewel, all I can offer is this: Your mother gave you an 'out', so it's time to take it. Don't think that a better opportunity for going no contact will come, because it might not. Carpe diem (weak smile here :))
I considered myself officially no contact for at least 2 months during the summer with my mother, and now, I maintain it by not calling her and not visiting. She did call several weeks or so ago, with a question I tried to explain and answer (but she is so very confused that I doubt I did much good), and the conversation was friction-free. But I was not tempted in any way to begin initiating phone calls and visits, so that's where I'm at now. It's the best place to be for my own sanity, as well as my ability to be as effective as I can managing her care.
You'll just take it day by day; that's how it'll come at you, so that's what you'll do. I bet you'll get a sense of a lot more space around you, and in your head especially! Man, that's a great feeling!!!
This year has been such a turning point for me, dealing with putting in so much more time, effort, and attention to my mother's care, and at the same time letting go of the "relationship" (began w/no more overnight visits, followed by no more visiting at holidays, then no more acknowledging birthdays, for instance -- bit by bit, this all happened this year). I do spend time pondering how best to handle certain things. Like the upcoming holidays. Here's the plan: I'll send her a flower arrangement for Thanksgiving, wishing her a happy Thanksgiving. And NO, no phone call. As far as I can tell, she is still capable of calling ME. And unless she's had a complete personality change, she won't do that, unless she happens to need something from me on Thanksgiving, so that will be that. I will probably do the same on Christmas.
Her level of forgetfullness and confusion is actually making this transition easier in some ways; your mother sounds pretty NON forgetful at this point! But good luck, and remember, you only have to deal with things one day at a time; you're free to do whatever serves YOU, and you can adjust however YOU need. Hugs.

Wow this is a great blog, Jewel (if that's your real name it's beautiful), your situation with your mother is almost identical to mine, my mother is the same exact way when I go to visit her. I noticed if I bring a friend it helps to 'buffer' her attitude and comments to me. If I go by myself there's no filter what will be said. Plus she's hard of hearing so our conversations are very loud so with her sharing a room with someone (and that roomate having family visiting them) the sheet for the room divider is not exactly closing a door for privacy. Meaning it can be very embarrasing as you experience as well. This whole thing has been such an eye opening experience for me (as you I'm sure). I'm so thankful for this website to read I'm not alone. If it wasn't for this website I'd feel even worse, my friends don't have anything like this in their lives (meaning family situation like this) so all they can do is say I'm sorry your going thru this.

Jewel, how about you take a break and have a think about things. If you tell yourself it's forever, you're going to be plagued by guilt over being the only one, now you've abandoned her, what will people say, blah blah blah. But if you promise yourself - and us! - that you will take, say, a complete break for one month - or when's Thanksgiving? What about until then? I'm not sure how long that is - and just put the whole package down and step away from it, you'll know it doesn't have to be forever, it's just until you can figure out a *safe* way to approach her.

I emphasise safe, because this needs work. You do care about your mother, no good trying not to. You are a normal and loving person. But the trouble is, acting on that care brings you into toxic contact with her. Take some time to figure out how you can put on metaphorical gloves so you don't get burned every single time, and end up with that awful sinking feeling each time the next visit looms.

Take time out. No arguments, no discussion, no need for either. You're having a break, she'll be fine, you'll be back when you're good and ready.

Thanks to each of you!! I have woke this morning with mixed emotions. A part of me says, yay! I want to move forward with this no contact.--this is my opportunity. The other part of me says, I am the only one now what? What will others think if I don't go visit and do for my mom? You hear all the time what a shame it is when no one comes to visit and elderly in a "home", but now I realize there is a reason for that!! My mom is not that elderly, but she is still ill in many ways and sometimes I think she is more mentally ill than she is demented. Before I went to bed, I realized how narcissistic she has been all her life and it all makes sense now why she was so controlling. She didn't want me to spill the beans on how she really was. She portrayed this perfect mother, wife, employer of the year, and at home she was far beyond that. She was perfect as far as keeping a perfect house, having dinner on the table every single night, plus finding time to always make something new.--whether it be a quilt, an afagan, scarf/mittens, doll clothes, etc.- the list goes on. What was not perfect was her attitude and her need for control. She was perfect and so should you be. This illness now has turned in to a needy mother that still wants control over what I say, what I do, and how I act. It always has to be on her terms. She is losing control and I also realize that makes her angry.

I have tried not to argue with her many times, I have changed the subject until I ran out of things to talk about, and I just do not want to do this anymore with her. Being this stems way back, I am very tired. I am ready for a peaceful life of my own. The hard part also comes from her being 2 minutes up the street. It will always be a reminder as I pass by. I really do want this, I want to say adios. Live with your miserable self!

Here is the perfect scenario for me--No contact, the pharmacy would deliver her pills, someone else would fix the pill box, she would have her hair done there each week and they would take her to the doctor, get her groceries and what ever else she needs. I could walk away and be FREE, free of abuse and stress of her controlling ways. No more walking on eggshells--what to say, what not to say. I know the only way this will happen is if I keep the courage to stay away. She will live a long time and I know now it will have to be up to me to make that choice. The christian side of me still asks the question: "is it wrong?" I do know it is wrong to continue to take this from her and to constantly listen to the complaining and negativity especially when it is directed at me.--that little girl that still wants approval.

I am also going to check in to getting some professional help moving forward, whether it stay no contact or finding a way to tune her out when I go visit.

Love and hugs to all. I must now pull myself out of this chair, put on a face and go to work and pretend everything is great. --the thing is, I know it can be. :-)

Jewel--the whole situation is sad. I would normally suggest you go back with someone else for "protection," but I honestly do not think you should go back unless: a) there is a true emergency; or b) she calls to apologize -- which I know is incredibly unlikely. Probably a miracle would be needed. I agree with your husband that your own health is truly at stake. Perhaps you could let someone at her facility know what is going on so that they can understand and kind of step in for you. In terms of your father, I am so glad you spoke to him. If he really moves in, I think you should set clear boundaries; i.e., no popping over at all. He should call first to see if it is a good time. Keep letting him know you love him but that the stress accompanying his move is incredibly great for you, and that If he loves you, he will understand. I am hoping that since your discussion with your father, and with throwing in some clear boundaries, maybe the idea of moving in will not be quite so appealing. Somehow you must take yourself out of this madness and not feel any guilt--only survival and a chance for feeling truly free.

You are an amazing writer and your ability to express yourself has helped me and, I am sure, many others. Thank you so much. Now it is time to take the great big steps and cut off this harmful nonsense your parents have inflicted on you. I think you can do it! You help me feel more brave.

Jewel; She told you to go home and stay there. Now do it. I would not go back. Ever. I would hire a geriatric care manager and send her Christmas and Birthday cards. I would get myself into psychotherapy with someone well qualified to help you heal from this lifelong abuse. DO NOT GO BACK!!!!!

Your husband is correct. This will kill you. Take care of yourself Jewel. (((((((hugs!))))))))))

Oh, Jewel. I'm sorry, what a crappy end to your visit. And I'm sorry your mother is this way. It's a rough deal. Big hugs to you.

(((((hugs))))) jewel. Personally, I would let them take her to her eye appointment. Is there someone there who would set up her pills? You are right. She is who she is and she is not going to change, so you are the one who has too. I agree with your husband. This is terribly stressful on you.

How do you go no contact? You don't answer phone calls or any other means of communication. My mother, in the past, has set up other people to call me if I don't answer her calls. I am very vague with them and don't talk long and don't give any information . You don't visit her, no matter the crises. She is in a facility that can look after her needs. Let them. Just stay away and look after yourself and your family.
Mother expects me to put her before my family too - she always has. Not going to happen and I don't justify myself or get into arguments. If mother asked if I was leaving soon would answer simply "Yes." I don't respond much to the comparisons - maybe say how nice that those people visit their families. I refuse to get sucked into arguments. I tell her that we will have to agree to disagree on some things. You have to be proactive in communication - changing the subject if it gets difficult. Mother started a recent conversation with "They are poisoning me". I smiled and said "The grandchildren are doing very well", and proceeded to tell her about the latest with the grandchildren. It doesn't work perfectly but it helps. What helps me the most is staying away.

Thanks emjo, I hope so.

Okay, who is ready for today, Sunday visit? I am not sure if there is enough space but I will shorten as I can. I WALKED OUT AGAIN on my narcissistic mother. --here goes.

I called and let her know I would be there around 2:30 pm--I needed to help my daughter set up for pictures (she takes pictures as a hobby along with going to college). I dropped my son off at a friends then headed to mom's. Lump in throat and the usual butterflies in my stomach. When I got there she was lying on her bed watching tv--very normal. She seemed in a decent mood and I brought cookies, drinks, and cake--she loves sweets. As I filled her pill box and she got snacks I could tell she really wasn't in such a good mood. She started her normal probing about my day. What took me so long, and getting confused when I told her. It's funny though she is not confused when she becomes her old self. The first of the conversation was pretty typical---the food, the staff, what they don't do right, blah blah blah. We went and fixed her hair, then went to sit outside. She was too cold so we went in to one of the living rooms. I try to stay out of her room so I am not attacked in private. She does a good job holding herself when people are around.--I am protecting ME. No one was there and we talked and she asked if anything were new, of course I said no, but boy did I want to say "you have no idea"...LOL

AFter about two hours of visiting and awkward silence the staff came around to see what she wanted for dinner. Of course she didn't like anything they were having and she said, "well, I guess I will starve", I had to laugh and said, no you are choosing to starve. She didn't like that, but how true it is. Her choices make her miserable and me too. So, I offered to go to McDonald's or somewhere and get her something. No, again. Then it started,--

Mom: Are you leaving?
Me: In a little bit.
Mom: You don't stay long.
Me: I need to go home, I have dinner in the crockpot and I need to check on it.
Mom: I wonder how these other visitors find time to come visit their family?
Me: They are probably retired or don't have a family (kids and a husband) at home.
Mom: Well, I believe your husband is old enough to be self sufficient, don't you?
Me: Yes, mom, he is, but I need to go home. (by this point, I knew it was best)
Mom: (as she gets up very fast and mad) well, go on home.
Me: I am
Mom: (walking quickly to the elevator to go back to her room) I don't know why you even bother coming here, you don't want to come anyway!! (Manipulation/guilt thrown like a fast ball)
Me: I do want to come, but I do not want to be talked to this way. Please stop.
Mom: I am tired of it too... (what is she tired of?)
Me: Please stop.
Mom: (we are now at the elevator) I will tell you what I will do, I will have that girl do my hair every Friday and that way you do not have to come anymore, because you don't want to anyway.
Me: Okay
Mom: FINE!!!
Me: Okay, mom, what ever you want to do is fine with me,
Mom: (very loud at this point because we are on the elevator) You don't care about me and your husband shouldn't begrudge that you are here visiting YOUR MOTHER!!
Me: He knows I am here and he doesn't begrudge that.
mom: You don't want to come and I can't believe you put your family first before your mother...(YES she said that)
Me; (getting loud too) I come because I want to and I am going home to cook my family dinner, because I want to.
Mom: (now off the elevator) Good, go home and stay there!!
Me: I have had enough
Mom: I have had enough of you
Me: (going in her apartment to get my keys) You make me a nervous wreck.
Mom: You make me a nervous wreck and I dread seeing you come.
Me: (walked out the door)!!!!!!

Whew! I cried all the way home. When I got home my husband had just got home from work and was doing the dishes because he knew I was at my mom's. He said, what's wrong, did you walk out on her again today. I said, yes, it was really bad this time. He said, It is time you take a break and don't go back for a while.

She wanted me to make her an eye appointment last week and I was going to do it this week since we had just come from the doctor. It is hard to take off work. (even though she thinks NOTHING is supposed to come before HER) I am debating whether or not to make the appointment and let them take her or just wait.

I have searched and googled for two hours how to have NO CONTACT. I really do not ever want to put myself back in this situation with her. I have told her and she continues to play the role of victim. That is what a narcissistic mother does. needs, needs, and takes, takes. Always making me the scapegoat. It is always my fault she feels this way. I do wish she didn't live in my town now. It would make it so much easier to walk away. I have felt this way for a long time, but I really feel the need now for myself and my family to just step away. My husband told me he worries about my health from all the stress and he doesn't want this situation to "kill" me and leave my kids without their mother. My heart sank that he even felt that way. He is right though and my mother will NEVER see what she is doing. She will NEVER change. She has sucked me back in several times with her niceness and then bang, here we are again. This is just not about dementia, this is about a life long illness that is getting worse. No medicine in the world would change these habits. The only thing that would mask this would be sedation of some sort something to keep her calm, but they won't give her anything other than the anxiety medicine. Antidepressants don't work, we have tried many.

I am much calmer now, and do not plan on being upset over this, but I have a long road ahead of me and I ask that you keep me and all the others in your prayers. With the holidays just around the corner makes it a very difficult time too.

Thanks again for reading and letting me get this off my chest.

Well done, jewel. You did good!!! Hopefully the house will sell soon,

I like the image of the dog toy...you hit the nail on the head. You are right, they both are competing for my love and doggone it, I let both of them know how much I care about them.I think my mom knows though that my dad is better to me, which doesn't give him the right to move in. Jessie, thank you, my husband said he will put a sign in the yard. I have truly thought about it.

Just an update, my dad came over before he left from working on the house and I just couldn't take it any longer. I told him I needed to talk to him next week when we had a chance to sit down without anyone else around (i.e. my kids or husband) He kept looking at me like I just hit him with a bat. He said just tell me now, I am dumbfuzzled at what it could be (yes, he said dumbfuzzled) My husband got up and went to my daughter's room to watch tv and my son was in his room. So I began.... I told him it wasn't the plan for him to move next door...with a look of oh yes it was..I said no it wasn't. He kept on telling me that yes, that was the plan. He was moving in to fix up the house. I told him that might have been his plan, but he failed to mention it to me. He tried to say he did, then I had to say, "do you really think I would be okay with it?" Especially my situation? I said, "yes, it stems back to HER"... He then started starring away. I told him I could not tell him where to live and I have no control over what he does, but I do have control over my own peace and I would not have put myself in that situation. --telling her she can't live with me and then agreeing to him living next door. He said he understood, but he had to move in because he couldnt afford to drive back and forth (he is living and hour away) to fix it up. Well, you afforded the house?? That was something else I brought up was the money he was spending that he didn't need to be spending. I encouraged him to sell the house. He did have someone stop today and talk to him about it. I told him to sell it and he said he wanted to do a bit more work so he could get more money--my husband thinks that is an excuse because we live in a neighborhood that is well sought after. It is just an older established neighborhood close to everything.--no cookie cutter houses. They each have their own charm and only a few on the street. I told him this came with no disrespect to him, but I was finally learning to find a peace with my situation with her and find time with him with no guilt. I also threw in there that I thought he silently knew I wouldn't approve and that's why he didn't tell me, of course, he said NO! I am not sure what will come of this, but I did it. I got it off my chest and I feel some better and hopefully I didn't hurt him too bad. I have friends that invite their parents everywhere, to our get togethers, to dinners, movies with friends, etc. Even if it is one parent or the other or both. I can't do that because of my situation and I need to protect ME. That I have learned the hard way. I wouldn't want to follow my kids around even though I love them more than words can describe. I would take a bullet for them, but I wouldn't want to live next to them. I am not a trophy and I don't need my parents to treat me like one. It is like the spirit stick with cheerleaders--don't drop it or it will bring bad luck. I am ready to throw it through his windows. LOL It is not about him moving next door, it is about the situation him moving next door brings. When I told him: "I told my mom she couldn't live with me, and what makes you think I wouldn't tell you that you can't live next door" and that I can't have you living over there and her come visit. He asked me: when will she ever come to visit? REALLY?? She might any time she wants. He is in denial!!!

Ok, I got that done, check! Now when to tell her the bad news. I know it will have to be done before Thanksgiving. I will hear--you didn't want me living with you, but you will let him move next door. UUGG!! I DIDN"T LET HIM!!!

Goodnight all...once again you are the best!!

I shall look at my dog's ragger toy with new sympathy. Imagine if it had one dog at either end of it, poor thing…

Jewel, they both want to know that you love them best. They are five year olds. Shame on them.

This is terrible. I think I would stick a For Sale sign in the yard, pack the family up, and move to an unknown locale in the middle of nowhere, with no houses around me for anyone to move in.

Thank you for being on my side. LOL I have told my dad many times to his face what this divorce has caused me. I was angry at him for a long time and told him not to stop by when he saw my mom's car here (he did anyway) Then I had to tell him I wouldn't talk to him anymore if he did it again. Since my mom's illness our relationship has become much better because I wasn't "allowed" to see him before without being ridiculed by her. I think he is just taking advantage of the situation now, which irks me to no end. They both know what it does to me, my mom doesn't care really, and my dad does care but over steps boundaries way too often. Next week I am planning on talking to him and asking him "If I wouldn't let you come visit when she is here, what makes you think I would let you move next door when she comes to visit?" Good grief. I wonder if it even dawned on him? He is 71 and has made some poor decisions himself here lately. I hope he isn't becoming ill too. That is all I need. :-(

Too close for comfort should be my new name... Ha ha! Thanks again and again.

Jewel, I wouldn't normally dream of being rude about other people's parents - our parents are our own to criticise, and it's bad form for others to do it. But there's no way round it: I am disgusted by their blindness to the impact they're having on you. Both of them. They should be ashamed of themselves. And did you say this nonsense has been going on ever since they separated? What I wouldn't give to bang their silly heads together (if they were both twenty years younger, that is).

Have you thought about writing a single letter copied to both of them telling them straight up what their ridiculous feud-by-proxy is doing to you? And I don't excuse your father from this: passive aggression or what? He is literally occupying the territory closest to you. Wish we could send in the UN!

cm and jb: Thank you. It is VERY awkward. The plan for my dad was to buy the house and rent it out and let us pick the renters--neighbors. Ha! I wasn't at all worried about my mom thinking he was renting out the house. She would have NEVER known. He told me he was looking for an investment to leave me and my family being something were to happen to him. He wanted us to have a rental property. How great of him, right? That is what he told us, anyway. Two weeks ago he tells my husband, NOT me, that he is moving in. GRRR! I told my husband that wasn't happening and that he misunderstood what my dad said. UM, NO, I guess I was the one who misunderstood my dad's plans. I believe he knew I would never go for it and that is why he didn't tell me. When I brought it up to him two weeks ago, he said, yes, I planned on moving in. He acted like I knew this. I like my privacy too much to have my dad next door and WHY in the world would I put myself in this situation? I WOULD NOT!!! I would not allow my dad to move next door knowing I already told my mom she cannot live with me. WOW!! The stress of this is wearing me out. If I had known his TRUE plan, I would not have told him the house was going to auction. Once again, open mouth and insert foot.--that would be me. I have a plan to tell my mom, but I am so nervous of her reaction. She will be so mad, and when I say mad, I mean she will become obsessed about it and she will put me down like it is my fault. I plan on telling her he is only living there while he fixes it up to rent out, and she will carry on about his own house, blah blah. I wish I could turn my focus to something else, but this is consuming me just like her complaining and negativity. this just adds to it. My dad should have known I would never put myself in this situation. He is over there right now as I write this. He has already been over here this morning looking for breakfast. He will just join in what ever I have going on, he won't keep his distance and be respectful that this is my life, my family, and my house. The talk with him HAS to happen soon, and I am just as nervous about that.

So, here I sit, doing nothing, still in my pj's on a saturday at 1:37 p.m. My mind so boggled with distress and my heart palpitating so fast I can feel it in my throat. Wasted energy, exactly. Wasted day. Wasted, precious time because two people decided to be hateful and divorce and put an only child in the middle. I am still in the middle at 47!! I am going to be 47 soon and I have yet to find the peace I have been longing for. I was just learning through this group to pull back from my mom and learn to deal with her nastiness. Learning to detach.--now my dad has to bring it all back--I know it's not intentional, but it is happening.

Thank you again for listening to me whine until I can find some peace with all this. It is like I am starting all over again. Love and hugs to all.

jewel, in your situation I would tell my mother that dad moved in next door and that you were surprised about it. If she gets mad, it will be something she has to deal with. You have no control over that. Then I would figure out a way to put up some boundaries and limits with my new neighbor. It is most awkward. Did your dad tell you why he chose to live so close? It is awkward. I would feel like my parents were watching me if I had a date or wanted to have a beer in the back yard. I feel for you, but if he already bought the house, what can you do?

I wouldn't try to hide things from my mother. That involves you in the complicity of hiding the big purple elephant outside your door at home. It puts a lot of stress on you.

Jewel, that's the stress of it - the sheer waste of mental energy. Impossible just to switch off all those revolving thoughts. You - I should say we, because I do much the same thing - need to find something more worthwhile to occupy our heads, is the thing. Your daughter's not wrong, of course. Sigh. Everything is so simple when you're young and beautiful… :)

My daughter told me today to stop complaining and do something about all this nonsense...great advice, I will get right to it. Ha! I don't take that as an insult like my mom would, I know I need to do something about this paralyzing triangle I am in. My dad came up again to work on the house and of course came straight over to my house. As he left he said, "I will see you tomorrow"...grrrr!!! My daughter ask me why I am so annoyed with my dad because he is so good to us. She told me it all stems back to my mom.--this is so true. I sat for a minute and I told her, I am not so annoyed with him as I am the whole situation. My mom chose him to be my dad, right? She made the choice to let him walk out the door, and now she makes the choice to continue to hate him. I sound so smart....then my inner little girl comes out when I think about getting in trouble for having him next door, even though that was NOT my choice. She would love it if he were this dead beat dad that I never saw.

I will have to say though I have had a little peace today by telling myself these are her choices and I cannot control him or her. I do choose to continue to visit her and call her and do for her so I need to suck it up if I am still making these choices myself. Looloo, I like the quote: I do that a lot, I do nothing and my life is showing it. I waste tons of time on her, even when I am not there, I am still over thinking it.

Hi everyone, happy Friday. I'm very tired after a long week.
I did my usual acrobatics, scheduling and rescheduling a check-up for my mother. I had to reschedule since she made it for a day that her home care person doesn't come. Then, I had to confirm and re-confirm the new date w/the home care person, since my mother was arguing about it. I emailed the caregiver a form that my mother would need to take with her to get her lab work done (she had previously NOT taken care of this on her other appointment last month), and after all the coordination, assumed things were good to go.
Well...she DID get her blood work done, so that was good. But she completely bailed out on her doctor's apppointment. I assume that her caregiver was simply unable to 'wrangle' her, and I do understand how hard it is. I spoke to her doctor, and she was pretty satisfied to see the results of the blood work, but did hope to do a routine physical. This isn't her primary physician, this is an oncologist. Long story short, several years ago, my mother had symptoms of MDS, which is a blood disorder that is now classified as a type of cancer, but wouldn't you know it, she seems to be just fine now, in that department anyway.
After speaking with the doctor, and rescheduling YET again, I thought about whether or not I should get involved in another battle with my mother. This might be turning into a pattern for her, since she refused to see her neurologist a few weeks ago (a second referral is in the works). Anyway, I've decided to let this go. I'm cancelling the re-re-scheduled appointment, and will not pursue it further. I'm saving the fight for getting her to her new neurologist, since her predominant problem is the dementia. And if she refuses that, well...cross that bridge when we get there.
On one of my facebook posts this morning was something from a Buddhist meditation society, that said "Better to do nothing than to waste your time." I'm taking it to heart today.
Hope you all have a really nice weekend :)

Jewel--I hurt for you. This is just so unfair. Maybe you could build a 20 foot fence and perhaps your dad would notice and take the hint. :-). Somehow, some way, you need to step outside of this craziness and nurture yourself. Can you get away for a retreat? Just tell your family you need some alone time? Get a massage and spa treatment and go shopping somewhere in driving range? It might help you gain some insight on what you need to do to take care of yourself. I might consider the same thing after I retire. Or maybe you could meet a friend and do the spa thing. I am not really trying to give you advice--who am I to do that anyway? I just think you need to somehow step outside of all of this--you need to gain perspective and strategize as to how you want to live the rest of your life--not like this! You are too young! You sound like such a beautiful person and you have so much to offer. You deserve a happier existence.

Your dad should not have decided to move next door to you without asking you if that was something you would feel good about. I can see how you have been victimized but there must be a way to stop their song and your dance. I hope you can make your own music and love it. I hope the same for me also. And for all of us.

**he** were up the street

Yes, I have considered moving! I didn't until now, but I love the neighborhood I am in and so do my children. We are so close to everything. It may come to that if my dad doesn't cooperate when I talk to him. I am just nervous to talk to him, I don't want to hurt his feelings, but it has to be done. Even if her were up the street, I would still have a hard time, but I could accept that, but next door? Really? and I mean next door, when you walk out my kitchen door there he is. Not on the other side of me, but right there in my driveway.

Thanks for the caring thoughts. I am just having a rough day, week, month right now. I feel like I am just going through the motions to get through the day. I loved life so much and smiled and laughed. Now I am so down on life and it hurts to smile. There is no pill that will fix that and I am not going to dope myself up to get through the day. I am working really hard to get through these situations and I so appreciate each of you listening.

Jewel, all joking aside, have you considered moving house?

Lol...I only have thoughts, never do I lash out either except when I need to say what needs to be said and it really isn't lashing even thought I would love to. I roll my eyes in my head too when I am around her. I won't even allow myself to roll my eyes at her..**sigh** I think I keep it all in so much that it carries with me all week and then guess what?--It will be Sunday again and I will be holding in last weeks anger and this weeks anger and last weeks then next weeks--get the point? Ha ha. I am full of anger, stress, I am starting to feel like the victim and I NEVER wanted to ever feel that way. Why me? Woe is Me!--that is my mother NOT me!

While speaking to my aunt this weekend, she reminded me of the loving relationship she had with my grandmother (this would be my dad's mom). I was reminded how my grandmother loved all of us unconditional and that is where I find comfort. I stayed with her when I was a little girl while my parents worked. She took me to church every Sunday and Sunday School. She taught me so much about loving others. She also knew how controlled I was and she showed me there was another way to live life. She passed 15 years ago and I miss her so much. I was explaining to my aunt how bad I feel wishing my mom were no longer around. I do not ever wish her harm, but just wish she didn't exsist. She told me that was so normal and even she had those thoughts about my grandmother--the person she loved dearly and had a great relationship with. She said is was a relief when my grandmother passed just because the stress it put on both of them, her being ill. It helped me feel better, but I am better than my thoughts and the stress that is over taking me. Some may say, let it go, I will never be able to let it go as long as she is hounding me and telling me I don't do enough--in her own words of course. I am consumed with freedom and wanting it now. I don't want my dad living next door, I don't want to take care of my mom anymore and I want to be on the beach somewhere away from all this black cloud and chaos that is hovering over me.

Thanks for reading my woe is me moments. :-)

I do not lash out or speak to them inappropriately. I do that in my thoughts. All of us humans have a dark & light side. Anyone who says they do not...it is having the restraint to not act on them that makes all the difference.

I find one way to stop myself being really horrible is to imagine somebody else doing or saying whatever evil I have in mind. If anyone else spoke to my mother like that -?!!!

I have found no way, however, of making myself be pleasant and sweet-tempered at all times. Or indeed on your average day :-/

Jewel, butterfly -- regarding the dark, angry, hateful thoughts -- yep, me too! :) I am usually really good at finding humor in things, even if it's getting a little twisted nowadays, lol. But yes, on especially bad days or stressful weeks, I also entertain thoughts I'm not exactly proud of. Here's something that might make you chuckle--if there's a headline in the news describing something really awful that a child has done to their parent, I'll read the entire thing, and then comfort myself by thinking, "Well, I know I'd never do THAT!!!" Having that gut feeling, that I know myself well enough to know that my thoughts are just thoughts, is very soothing, in its own very weird way. I hope you have that feeling too, that your thoughts are just that. Only thoughts, that come and go. Not that they're inconsequential, of course, but they're not YOU. Know what I mean? :)
Hoping you have a peaceful week. Hugs!!!

jeweltone, I wish I had some answer but I don't. I could literally feel your pain as I read your words just now. Know that I care and would give anything to make it better for you.