Update on mom in assisted living. I had a hard time convincing my mom to go to assisted living. She was diagnosed with dementia 2 years ago and she couldn't stay alone anymore. I work, have a family she kept wanting them to leave. In March, she went to assisted living. I go twice a week and at first called her every night. I now only call three times a week because she is so negative I cannot take it anymore. When I go to do her hair, she constantly complains. She complains how I do her hair, about the place, about the people, about everything. She keeps asking me "could you live here?" Actually yes. It is brand new, wonderful people and great food. I worn out with the negativity. I have explained to her about her complaints, but she says I am "fussing" at her. Not true, just need some peace. Is it normal for a dementia patient be so negative? I do not want to go visit or call her. It would be so easy to just stop. I am an only child and feel obligated to help her. I feel so much better knowing she is safe and well cared for. She will not bathe or change her pajamas. She doesn't want to get her clothes on. She just wants to complain. She tells me she doesn't eat there, but they tell me different. Her memory isn;t so much the issue, it is her personality change, her inability to care for herself, and her reasoning skills are gone. Oh my, you cannot reason with her at all. When she truly believes something..well, she will say.."well, you are always right and want to argue with me." I want to walk away and enjoy my life without her in it, but I feel guilty for even thinking such a thing. Is all this normal?
I am not letting her stress me with her words right now, I am just stressed over the ugly triangle I am forced to live in. If I could move far away, I would.
butterfly: It is so normal to have these feelings against people who are always downing our efforts. I hardly ever use the words hate, despise, loathe, etc. It seems now I am full of hatred and I even hate that...LOL I am sure the stress hormone (cortisol) is so strong in my body right now I would be scared to know what it is doing to my body. I have all intensions to go work out and I am too stressed to go do it. I am paralyzed by all this. Just as I was learning to deal with my mom and learn to walk away, my dad decides he is moving in. Oh Lord help me!!
The idea of someone else coming in AL to help out sounds great, but she really can't afford both--AL and extra caregiving. If it gets to where I just have to walk away then someone will HAVE to come in at least once a week and fix pills and go to the grocery. She is better with the staff, with a sarcastic kind of way, but they deal with it because they are not emotionally attached. There is one girl that works there that my mom has snowballed and manipulated to the point the girl feels sorry for my mom---just the way she likes it. This girl is very sweet and does everything my mom wants. Then my mom complains about her to me. I just say, "mom she is really sweet and helps you a lot"..I don't let her talk about her.
When I called her today, she went on and on about what took the test results so long. "Did you ask them what took so long" Did they say why they took so long? What took so long...mother!!! how many ways can you ask the same question? Ha! I did tell her it was over and we have the results and there wasn't any need to keep asking about it. Whew. She becomes obsessed.
I read something today and I have said it out loud several times "God please calm the storm, or at least calm the child" I am waiting for the calm!! The only way there will be calm here will be when there is no mother... How sad!?!
Cam: glad you could join us...I am with emjo, we do not have the normal relationships that some do have. There is nothing in writing that states we have to do this. Complaining and negativity seems to be the norm when we discuss our demented parents. I pray it stops soon.
You've all been through such a time of it. Good to hear from you, though I'm sorry it's still so rough. Hugs.
MIL and FIL came to live with us a few months ago. FIL had late stage dementia and passed away a month ago. MIL went off the rails when he died, overdosed on some of her tranquilizers and was basically crazy for a couple of weeks. But, she is getting better, although she was diagnosed with early dementia so I am sure it won't last. But all she does is complain. As I see it, she has it made right now, with my husband home in the mornings, afternoons to herself, and me coming home to fix supper in the evenings. She has home health care people a couple of times a week. So there is nothing wrong. But she sits outside all day smoking (complaint #1 is I won't allow her to smoke in the house) and thinking of new things to complain about. #2 is that she is 'always freezing'. She sits around in sleeveless blouses and shorts, I keep the house around 75 because of her, it would be cooler if up to me. But will she put on more clothes, or the warm socks I bought her? Nooo. Just complains. I have snapped and told her she would always be freezing in our house, and that she can get used to it or not. When she lived at home they kept the smoky stinky house at 90, with space heaters. She complains that people don't talk loud or slow enough that she can hear them. She is pretty much deaf. And she is also vision impaired. So can't see or hear, which means I am straining my voice to bellow at her. TV is on at the top volume. She can't actually see it and there is nothing I can do about that. Telephone calls - she can't hear the phone ringing, and if someone calls her she can't really hear them. She also can't remember that they have called so complains about no one calling her. She also has a little dog, who is not housebroken. So I am forever cleaning up her little piles. and MIL keeps falling. Which I know is a feature of being elderly. She has a cane that she is supposed to use at all times. Well, the dog runs under her feet and trips her. My husband says if she keeps falling she will have to go to a care facility. and she gets so angry about that and starts screaming that she is not going into a nursing home and is not giving up that dog. Scared and angry. And feeling like she has to behave a certain way so we don't stick her in a home. In her mind. That is not the plan. We will care for her at home till we can't. After the episode with FIL, that will be sooner than later when she deteriorates. And the nursing home will let the dog visit. Which means I will have to care for it, and I will housebreak it. She won't allow me to crate the dog for training.
OK. so there I was complaining about my MIL complaining. Ack. Thanks for listening to that. She is a lot easier than my FIL was, at least. But still, caregiving is a challenge. And when someone is not happy about anything, it is a bigger challenge. She doesn't know how to be happy, and stews about every little thing from every moment in her life that didn't go her way.
Thanks for listening, have some cheese to go with my whine,
Christine
Last winter, as mother's paranoia increased I got 3 crazy phone calls a day for months, and an nasty situation when my sis came to visit mother and decided she was going to take charge and move her without consulting me. Finally, I stopped answering the phone to my sis and to mother -about the beginning of December. I worked behind the scenes with a psychiatrist and the AL staff and second week of Feb mother went into the psychiatric hospital. I did not have any contact with her until the summer. I have seen her twice and talked to her on the phone once. It was just too much and she was too crazy, and of course, took it out on me. I set a boundary that I would not see her unless she was properly medicated, so her mood was better. Now she is on an anti psychotic and bearable to be with. I had a very hard time during the winter and had to take a long break for my own health.
Honestly, I think my being available to her was enabling, and when I cut contact, her illness showed more to others as she did not have the outlet of pouring it out on me. That meant the drs. saw it and she got into treatment.
Please look after you. Why would you say no to invitations from your friends? Re-establish contacts and build your life back up again? I doubt your mother is benefitting from your attention, as she just dumps on you. That is not doing either of you any good. We have to give up society's view of mother-daughter relationships. We just don't fit into the norm.
Is your mum on meds? Perhaps she needs an adjustment if she is. Does she put on this act just for you and then enjoy her self and socialize when you are not there? Does she really hate it or is she using that against you. This sounds to me like emotional/verbal abuse plain and simple, and I would walk away, and not return until and unless you are ready to. There is no law that you have to visit your mother. Her needs are met there without you being around. You have gone over and above what is needed for her. There is no reason on God's green earth why you should put up with any more abuse.
Please listen to your husband.
It has taken me several hours to finally calm down and realize she cannot keep doing this to me. My husband finally told me tonight that I may need to come to a point that I stop going at all. I am with him and want to cut the ties. I want to be free!!
I am going to hire a caregiver to come maybe every other week for 2-3 hours to clean, cook or take my mother out if she wants to go. Whatever she wants. I wish I had a ton of money--then I would hire someone to come much more often or I would help her pay for assisted living. I hope the caregiver helps--not sure it will. i realized I am getting so wrapped up in her that I am truly losing myself, putting my marriage in jeopardy, etc. Sometimes I can see things so clearly, but when things get all enmeshed I get myself very messed up. Balance, balance, balance. Boundaries, boundaries, boundaries. Balance, boundaries, and big girl panties--yep. You know what makes this so difficult? Even though I don't always like my mother, sometimes I really do, and I do love her. What complexity! So... balance, boundaries and big girl panties--my new mantra!
AFter 15 minutes of telling her I will come after work, she agreed with a huge sigh and smartness. I go visit and she had her pill box and pills out for me to do and started her probing. Did you go downtown? Did you buy anything? Did you give the kids their money I sent them? (and to her because they didn't call during this busy time, then they don't care about her--don't talk about my kids that is means of disaster) Did you work yesterday?--on and on. This was not for small talk you understand, this was ammunition for the attack about to come. As I answered the questions she began to cry and tell me in her hateful voice about how much she hates it there and how bad she wants out of there---I know this already. She started on the food, the people, and how I made her go there and how I dropped her off and she begged me not to leave her--that is not how it went. She went willingly even though she will tell you that's a lie. My mom being 69 soon does understand that there are mostly people that are of the age 80+. She says this is an old folks home and she don't belong there. Maybe she don't, but where in the h*** is she supposed to go. Then here came the attack once again. "even if you had a place big enough, you wouldn't take me home with you anyway"..--maybe she is right, but I told her I don't have a place big enough so how would she know and that she cannot assume something that isn't real. She went on and on and I was making her a list for the grocery for Sunday. I stopped what I was doing and told her I wasn't staying if this was what the conversation was going to be about. then she said, well go on, you sure don't have to stay, you didn't want to come in the first place. When were you here last? When is the last time I talked to you? You didn't even take 5 minutes this weekend to see if I was alive or dead! I told her I called her Friday and she yelled no you didn't, I called you. We went back and forth about who called who and good grief people it had only been two days---T W O (2) days.I need a life and I need it now away from her. She said you don't even want to come here and you don't care about me anyway. You make me stay here. I then proceeded to tell her she could leave at anytime and no one was forcing her to stay. She had the nerve to tell me not to talk to her like a dog. I told her that she was the one making me feel like I was just a good for nothing daughter that didn't do enough for her. She told me to just go on.---and I DID!! I could hear her carry on as I shut the door... "you don't care anyway, you could careless about what happens to me" and it faded and faded because I kept walking down the hall.I will NOT take this from her anymore. I will leave every time she starts it. I have decided that. I am tired, exhausted, and done with being put down like I am that scared little girl. The manipulation has to stop. I feel really bad that she hates it where she is, I get that whole heartedly. I cannot fix it and that makes her think I don't care.--maybe I don't??? No one likes to be put down, manipulated, crushed to the ground and made feel worthless.
Thanks for reading. I am on such an emotional roller coaster and I am so glad I have you in the same car.
My parents didn't specify which items should go to which people, so I do think about who might like to get what. I don't have any attachment to ANYthing, so if someone were to want something, and I thought they actually did have a good relationship with my mother or father, I'd be fine with it. But no one comes to mind.
I got the same silent treatment when I announced I was moving mom last year. NOTHING except from my dad's brother and her sister in law. Neither of whom are related to her by blood. Her sisters wouldn't come visit before we left. They don't send her mail, they don't call me to check in. NOW I hear they are upset and concerned because they can't get ahold of her anymore and don't know why. Give Me A Flippin Break. Maybe refer to the letter I sent last Christmas with all the details? That Christmas card none of them responded to? Yes, that one.
Sometimes family is strictly genetic and nothing beyond that.
My extended family (my mother's and father's families) I never got to know well at all, growing up. My father's family is in Europe, and we don't speak each other's languages. Now that my father has been gone for 5 years, that entire side of the family tree has fallen away. My mother's family lives on the other side of the country, and I realized last night that she took my brother and me for visits a total of 3 times during our childhood. A cousin came out to visit us once; my grandmother did twice I think, until she got too frail. We went back once in 2001 as adults, for a wedding, where I met some second cousins for the first (and only) time. Anyway, I have hardly anything to do with them, and vice versa. I have one cousin I communicate with on Facebook (and she's very nice), but that's it.
When my dad died in December 2009, I received several sympathy cards, emails, Facebook posts, etc. From NON family members. I received nothing from family.
I've begun notifying people of my mother's dementia and how I'm handling her affairs, and again, NO response from family, and people who were "like family."
I know that this is not a reflection really on me. It's more of "reaping what was sowed." Minimal effort was put into cultivating a close family, and this is what we have. And, my mother has alienated people over the years, and I also didn't make a concerted effort to keep in touch with people who I always thought of as more my parents' friends than anything else.
Still, the silence was somewhat surprising, just how loud it was. I do think that if it were reversed, if any of these people informed me of the same thing, I'd respond in a timely, hopefully sensitive way. To put the word out and hear NOTHING back is a lonely feeling, even if we don't really have much contact at all.
njny: It is so glad to know you are okay. I feel your pain feeling depressed and victimized. I feel so pathetic myself that I don't even want to write about it. I don't want to be viewed as weak anymore. That is why I did write something positive when I felt it. I am trying really hard to find those moments that I am happy and loving it. They are still few and far between, but they are there if you just look hard enough.This deal with my dad has made it even harder on me, but I am waiting for that moment when I can talk to him and let him in on how I am feeling.--at least he will listen even if he does his own thing. It is not pathetic that we realize that our parents have these limitations and when we are the only one how do you say no?--I am saying no more often, but it still paralizes me with the guilt. The guilt that hangs around and keeps me imobile in my own home. Take time to write how you feel and hopefully you won't feel so alone. Lonliness is a dangerous thing especially when we are forced to be lonely. I have a friend that has quit calling me also because I always have to say no to her when she asks me to do things. At first glance, it makes me upset that she does that because she knows my situation. Then I become upset with her knowing my situaiton and doesn't just call to check in on me. It goes two ways there. I have notice via social media that she had some girls over for brunch a couple weeks ago and didn't even ask me to come. I know in her own mind she is thinking I would say no anyway, but on the other hand it would be nice to know she thinks of me too. I assume when we lose those frineds, ask ourself, are they really our "friends"?
Have a great rest of the week and learn to say NO more often!!
Happiness is the best revenge, so they say.
I talked to my mom on Friday and asked her if she got her hair done--this is after the beautician told me my mom wouldn't come over, then changed her mind...My mom yelled at me and asked me why I didn't tell her she was going to do her hair. I DID tell her, she just didn't remember. I didn't call to remind her so she thinks I didn't tell her. With that said, my mom didn't want to get her hair done, but she did anyway. I blew it off and told her I did tell her and I am glad she got it done. Over with and I got off the phone and have had the best two days off!!
My mom too likes men better. She seems to relate with them and listens better to what they say. When we went to the ENT on Tuesday, she stated that he was nice, handsome and had pretty teeth. She said, "someone lucked out when they got him, nice and a doctor".... LOL I told her that one thing is for sure, he was a nice doctor but we don't live with him..She actualy laughed and said, true. When it comes to other women, she always finds something negative about them and how they "mistreat" her. She tried to tell me that the tech doing the ct scan was rude to her--I heard them laughing behind the door, so I knew better. She also has trouble with young people--like 35 and younger, especially 20 and younger.Some of the weekend help at the AL is 18-25 and she tells me they don't know what they are doing and that they are unfriendly--which to her means they don't like "old" people. Well just maybe the "old" person is being rude to the "young" person.--but not in her eyes of course.
Yesterday, I had a few free hours after work, so I went to my first tai chi class. It was great! I hope to go regularly, once my hours dwindle down a bit (I'm at about 50 a week, but they go back down to 40 around early December--then up again in late January). It was so nice to focus on the movements, meeting some friendly, encouraging people, and get the b.s. out of my head for even an hour. I checked my phone when I got back to my car, and surprise suprise -- Betty's been at it again. She was told to call the home care number for any schedule changes, and now she's been calling them too much. Yesterday, she said she didn't want them more than once a week. So, I got an email asking me to confirm. I sat there in my car, in the parking lot, emailing them back (trying not to get all frantic), letting them know to keep her 4-day a week schedule as is.
I also quickly sent along a to-do list for the caregiver, since my mother will tell her that there's nothing that needs doing, and I guess she won't think beyond that.
So, maybe 15 minutes later, the class is a distant memory, and I'm back to managing, plotting, scheduling, trying to stay a few steps ahead...
Seriously, it's ALWAYS something. In addition to that, I spent the morning getting another referral to a different neurologist for her (because the previous one didn't flatter her--he did his JOB).
Today, I UPS her a week's worth of highbrow magazines which I know she never read even before she had dementia, and will monitor her banking and credit card activity, which is beginning to get just a little bit...well, not good. Nothing super critical yet, but it's coming. I'm hoping to get a letter of incapacitation from one of her doctors soon (I really wish it weren't SO DIFFICULT).
Emjo, take it easy. Panic attacks, even mild ones, are never any fun.
We're all doing a really good job. I've been reminding myself that no mean-spirited, petty, negative, vindictive person should EVER be treated like the center of the universe, even if they ARE in a fragile state now. All we should do is to take responsible, reasonable action -- we really should not be doing much more than that.
I
I had to do that very thing with my mom & her doctors. She had two who were complete jerks to me. One of them even told me that I needed to move back to NC to take care of her. If I could have come through the phone I would have poked him in the eye...to start with. The nerve.
Mom thought the sun rose & set on those guys. She has always respected male doctors more. None of them were treating her core problems, and just barely attending to the surface issues.
It wasn't until I moved her to be nearby that I had any control over the situation. I made her an appointment and took her in. I knew this new doctor, and knew he was sharp and would see past her play-acting and flirting (ewwwwww!).
On the first visit, he took away her driving privileges by providing the form for a handicapped parking permit, and checked the box saying applicant was not competent to drive. Because of that the DMV would only issue her a plain ID, not a driving license! YAY!
He rewrote one Rx for Ativan to taper her off it, since she shouldn't have been on it to start with. He make one mistake though. He said out loud that going off it suddenly causes hallucinations. Mom used that against us, so we wouldn't taper her dosage as directed. She was convinced "I gotta have it! I gotta have it!" Nevermind that she had been on it for a few days and off it for who knows how long when she lived alone! She could not manage her meds by herself. Not by a mile.
The upshot is that sometimes you just have to take the bull by the horns and register mom with a new doctor and don't even make it a discussion point with anybody. Fill out the form to transfer records, and don't look back. To get mom in the car, I told her we had to see this new guy because her problems were complicated. She LOVED that!
It seems you can't get away from it. My brain was settling down from mother, as she is doing reasonably well, then narcissistic drama queen dil issues crop up. I didn't break her and I can't fix her. I just have to stay away from her which means distance from my son too. Like any of us need more difficult people in our lives. I had a minor panic attack this morning - haven't had one of those in a long while. G is away a lot these days on business and that doesn't help, as I usually unload on him and he is supportive.
On the bright side, had a lovely supper with my daughter and grandkids. Good news! The oldest one, who is a late bloomer, has a decent job and likes it. Woo Hoo! Got a wonderful hugs from my granddaughter.
Mother has ground privileges, so they have asked me if she can go out a couple of times a week with her "shopper" lady -.D. I think it is a great idea and would be good for her. She can buy odd things that she feels she needs. D is not cheap, but, I think, worth it.
Don't feel guilty about anything, anyone! I am amazed how well we all do.
Has anyone heard from kazzaa? She hasn't been around for a while. I am hoping she is OK.
((((((hugs)))) to all
I miss all the things my mom could do and I wish so many times that I had the time to sit down and make things, but I am like the rest of you that my mind stays in turmoil even when I am not with her. I am not near as talented as my mom though, that I can admit.
Sandwich, I so relate to the dad and his emotional sledge hammer. My husband does that with our 15 year old son. He constantly uses words and a tone of voice that I would like to squeeze his voice box. I too step in at times and let him know how inappropriate his approach is. I think I realize how I was treated and still treated and I don;t want my kids to feel like I do. Having kids at home, a husband, and trying to please mom will suck every inch of life right out of you. I am still trying to get my house in order and marking off my list getting ready for the weekend. Friends are starting to text and call about coming by...I am pretending for these two days that my mom doesn't exist. It is working --for a minute or two--then for some reason she pops back in my mind. I think she has a voodoo doll and pokes it from time to time to keep me focused on her.
Took mom to the doctor, glad we were able to get everything done in one day...see the doctor, ct scan, see doctor again, and he did a fine needle aspiration of the lump and is sending it to pathology for testing. He thinks it is a fatty cyst.--told you nothing could get her down. Ha! The ride over was a little stressful, but the doctor visit and the ride home was very tolerable. She even admitted it was nice to get out even if it was to go to the doctor. She did get emotional when we came back to town and she had to go back to AL. I told her if she could come up with a better plan, let me know. She gave me an evil eye, but I meant it. I am not going to feel guilty that she is in a safe environment.
I agree it would make life easier if he were a little more co-operative, but I suppose to an extent they're duty-bound to sit there like wise monkeys, especially if he's picked up on your mother's view of the matter.
I suppose, if you felt like getting a bit Macchiavellian about it, you could identify a geriatrician you like the look of, and ask your mother's doctor if he thinks it would beneficial for her (you give him a meaning smile at this point) to consult this specialist for a baseline assessment. Did you have one in mind?
Crossing from Macchiavellian to straight unethical (though practical), if you want your mother to change GP you'll have to drop dark hints about things her GP has been mentioning… you're not sure his attitude is wholly supportive of her… you wonder if he's really as conscientious as she might wish…
I couldn't possibly recommend that approach, of course.
I have no talent for crafting whatsoever. I did make a Christmas wreath years ago, and thought it was nice, but it didn't hold up well. Martha Stewart I am NOT. The only thing I do now, craftwise, is bandanas for my dog. All I do is find cute fabric, take pinking shears, and cut a very imperfect triangle. Voila! My dog is instantly even more fabulous, hee hee...
No word back from the neighbor, which is a good thing. I did re-read my email to her just to make sure I was kind and not at all offensive. Nothing stuck out as being negative or provocative, or anything -- a pretty good letter, if I do say so myself. So I hope she took it in the spirit with which it was intended.
I spent a few hours today getting the ball rolling on a second referral to a neurologist for my mother, since she won't see her current one. I should get the new referral in 7-10 days, and will schedule an appt. then. Maybe I will take her--but I really don't know. We'll see...