Is it normal she's so negative?

First of all Sandwich, I loved your story and the way you wrote it!!

As a young artist in the 1980's I had an unusual request to sculpt a turkey for a 2nd anniversary wedding present. At the time I had just prayed that I wanted a way to pay for a trip to California so I could attend a meditation convention. By intuition, I had a feeling to go to a particular bar at a particular time. I don't drink at all but I decided to see what the feeling was offering me. Sure enough a man I had worked for saw me and called me over. "Are you still an artist?" I said yes.
He then asked me how much would it cost for me to sculpt him a turkey in the next 3 weeks. I told him the amount I needed for the Calif trip. No problem, he answered. We made plans and I got to work sculpting a life-size turkey out of plaster, paint, and chicken wire. ( all out of turkey wire! ha) Everything was going fine except two things: the legs did not want to hold the weight of the body, and the plaster really needed a few months to dry before paint could be applied.But I happily had already accepted the check for the job and bought my plane ticket so I couldn't back out now. After many tries of getting the turkey to stand up, I called the guy, all shaken and practically in tears. He was terrific. "Don't worry," he said calming me down, "it's only a gag gift. You see, I gave the couple a LIVE turkey last year and I need something to top that. What else can we do?"
"How about turkey in the straw? It can sit on a straw nest." "Oh brilliant!" he laughed. "I'll build a little house around it." And so that's what we did. He loved the turkey, painted, peeing, but it was colorful, cute, and had a funny expression on its face. After my trip to California, the man thanked me and told me what a big success the gift was. Everyone thought it was a hoot.

I wish I still had the giant crepe paper turkey mom made in about 1978. My Lord, was that thing BIG. I think the body was a giant pine-cone. It had googly eyes. She had hand-painted the "feathers" onto the big fan of crepe papier stuck on the back end of it. Old Tom Turkey lasted many Thanksgivings, but I doubt he lasted past her move from the city to the country 15 years ago.

She had also made a Christmas decoration out of wire hangers and silver tinsel garland. There was one silver ball that hung in the middle. It did not look like a Christmas lantern or a star. It looked like wire hangers covered in garland with a ball ornament. U-G-L-Y, but it hung up for years.

I will carry this tradition forward with enormous, outrageous wreaths.

Sandwich, you are so aptly named! Oh my word, all the fun and games in one day… You poor love.

I do feel for Dad, too, though: my ex could never, ever handle my younger daughter. The rot set in when she was two or three and he instructed her to do something or other unobjectionable, you'd have thought - she drew back and said coldly "that is not my wish."

If you feel like intervening, I suppose it's a matter of explaining to her that Dad's having a pink fit over trivia (as she sees it, or pointing out something helpful, as we might see it) is proof positive that he loves her and wants her life to be simple. But I agree that not getting involved is the more peaceful option!

I don't underestimate how hurtful your mother's response to the Hallowe'en decoration (is that the word?!) must have been. She obviously had a complete sense of humour failure. Going with the flow is not something they're great at, is it? - but my goodness it does make you wonder why you bother.

If it were me I'd be stamping around the house grumbling and rhubarbing to myself - bloody families can make their own festivities waste of time mutter mutter hate hate rhubarb scowl humph...

Visited my mom on Sunday. Took her winter clothes over and a great big tacky deco-mesh halloween wreath I made. (Halloween is supposed to be tacky!) She used to do floral design, and used to love crafting stuff like this, so I thought (stupidly) that she might be interested in it. Well, they've lowered her dosage by health department rule, so she was no longer sweet and happy Ruth. There goes my plan.

My son helped me unpack all her clothes and thank sweet mercy she was NOT in her room when we did that. It goes so much better without her! We were on our way back through the common room and I heard her voice. It was just past lunchtime, and she was sitting at a table with another little old lady who was so shrivelled up she looked like a raisin in a church hat. There were three generations visiting with her that day and they were such sweet people.

Mom had just told them she'd been there three years and had never once had a visitor. !!! I walked up beside her and said "I don't think so mom!" I wish I had taken a picture of the look on her face.

I was able to tell those other people mom had only been in that unit a couple months, but had started over in the apartments amost one year ago exactly, then into the care unit, and now in the secure wing recently.

I showed mom her surprise (the tacky wreath) and she let out a string of swearing. Well, you're very welcome then! I might make her another one for Thanksgiving and then Christmas just to be a snot.

I told the nurse that if mom really hates it, then to give it to somebody else or the activities person. It wasn't ugly or poorly made, just big and bright orange & lime green with a Happy Halloween sign fixed to it with some Halloween floral picks. Tacky.

I rolled her down to see her clothes and the big pile that would not fit in her closet. She was happy about that at least. Then we got to go home.

Not even 24 hours later, my 13 year old daughter goes into hysterics because Dad jumped all over her over some missing assignments on the school's parent portal. Sometimes things are marked missing by the system if the teacher hasn't entered the grade on time. I don't get excited by that. She has always made straight As.

Dad however, made it into a Federal case and the poor girl just broke down. It was very theatrical - on both counts. Dad doesn't want to hear that he can't hit her over the head with a verbal sledge hammer. These things have to be done very gently. He doesn't get it. He doesn't perceive his own tone of voice or that he sounds angry when he maybe isn't.

Somehow, by going to calm my daughter and find out what is going on, I upset Dad and now he's angry with me for pointing out that perhaps next time to be a little more gentle with her. Both of them do the same thing - somebody says something fairly innocuous to them but between their ears it turns into face-melting criticism. They were BOTH in a real state at the same time- all to pieces for being stupid, incompetent, to dumb to do anything right, etc. You get the picture. A 43 year old man and a 13 year old girl acting the same. Holy cow, how am I going to make it to age 18?

I just went to bed and shut the ____ door. They can deal with themselves at this point. That shot the entire evening completely. I did not get to sit down and make another really tacky wreath and I was grumpy about that.

I can't explain what is so gratifying about making these monstrosities, but it is fun. If you've never seen a deco-mesh wreath, just google it. They are really something to behold, and I highly recommend tacky wreath therapy.

Where can I get one of those worker safety signs, where you pencil in how many days without an accident? Because it's been 8 days without hearing from my mother's neighbor, lol. She just emailed me, peppering me with question after question, and opinion after opinion. Some of these questions are simply none of her business (like why did my brother and his wife and mil decide to move, anyway????) -- I hardly EVER speak to my brother, how would I KNOW???
Most are worry-wort, hand-wringing questions. "Your mother turned in at 6:30 last night?!?" "All she does is go grocery shopping!?!" "What did her doctor say????"
Uhhh, her doctor says she has dementia. Honestly.... And NO, I have not found a buyer for her blankety-blank golf cart (which she cannot drive, so it is NOT a priority that I somehow handle THAT too, on top of everything else).
I took a deep breath before reading the email, and several more before responding. I think I did ok. I calmly said a few times that I thought this was getting to be too upsetting for her, and to try not to get so pulled in. I also suggested she 'take a break' (after thanking her, of course).
It's her habit to rapid-fire a few more emails at me, but if any come, I'll deliberately ignore them until tomorrow. I promised myself that I'll only respond immediately if it's absolutely critical. I did respond to this one pretty quickly, but figured, eh, she's left me alone for 8 days, so...
How's everyone else's week?

Looloo, that description fits my mom and my own reactions to her to a T! It's like we came out of the same mold or something.

Juddha, that is true - even though I can't say it's the 'reason' for the situation, a definite byproduct of all of this is that I've had to grow a LOT, in a relatively short time. In the past year, so much fog has lifted for me. So many puzzling, painful, frustrating memories have clicked into place, making sense for the first time. And I've had to step up and "just do it" in so many ways, which requires a real leap of faith. Faith in the future, faith in myself, and so on.
My mother is also incapable of being quiet and just listening. She's never been interested, and probably has always felt anxious whenever there's a pause in the conversation. Also, I think she doesn't like when someone's attention drifts from her, so she's always piping up about something to jerk you away from whatever it is you're doing (drives me NUTS). I can't imagine anyone having the patience to deal with her for more than a few hours at a time. I managed to always stay very calm and polite with her (my teen years excepted!), but that's only because I had a time limit when visiting -- which got shorter and shorter over the past 5 years. I'd still spend days 'decompressing' though, with my mind in a lot of turmoil, trying not to impose my funk on others, but of course, it would come through anyway.
I do look forward to a time when this is no longer a part of my life at all.

HI Jeweltone, I sure understand the part about the 90 mph mouth in the car ride. If Mom could be still and shut up for some of the time, I could enjoy her more or at least tolerate her company while she fumes or muses with sarcasm or whatever she does. I am having a nice break since she moved, so for a while anyways, we both are so busy, seeing her once a week instead of having her paw at me every day is now tolerable. I know it probably won't last but the for now the whole tone of the relationship changed for the better with distance and boundaries.

The fear of the little girl (you) challenging your mother and breaking out of the Good Girl Living For Mom phase is what is hard to swallow, act on, or let go. Standing up to her without being defensive, sarcastic, or acting like she does is so hard!! Keep trying to find a different way: you have survived her damaging behavior, brave the storm and try to find your own voice, your own strength, defining what it means to you, and don't worry about what it means to her. It's hard to be doing the right thing for you when she is expecting the wrong thing from you.
I have tried just agreeing with her feelings: if she lets me utter a sound while she does her diatribe or monologues: "I see this makes you angry," stuff like a counselor does. Try it and see if it diffuses some of her junk. Makes me think of the Japanese wrestler: take their weight and without YOUR harming them let their own actions fall where they are going. Detach like a yogi, try out new roles like an actress, all the while you are trying to save them from their own destruction and Nature's plan of Life. Hey, no wonder this is stressful!! Man, just thinking of it makes me want to eat something sweet to reward myself, or yeah, pity myself.

Something good comes out of all this. Perhaps whatever weakness you had this is the time to learn a new strength. Looking back, I think that was the benefit and purpose for me with Mom. It's very hard and praying does help.

Detachment: when it gets to me do you know what I do? I google "cute Kitties" on youtube and watch a half hour of adorable and funny little animal clips.
Hey, whatever works!!

Sunday was Sunday as usual. I hoped for a nice visit like last Sunday, but it didn't happen. I didn't let her bother me as much, though. She kept on about the estate and I just told her she should have brought up her ideas in the beginning not the end. We can't go back and change things, but this is what she does. Holds it all in and then when all the decisions have been made, she likes to tell you what you did wrong. Psychic? That is what she thinks we are. She thinks we are supposed to know what she is thinking, read her mind. When we get it wrong she lets us know--after the fact. I did get a bit stressed today thinking about everything and knowing I have to spend an hour in the car with her one way to the doctor for more testing, then an hour back home. Her mouth will go 90 miles an hour all the way. She will not hush. If she could sit quietly and keep her ugly thoughts to herself, it would be tolerable. Please say a quick prayer, if you don't mind, that I can have some peace tomorrow. It will be a long day.

Looloo, your neighbor is taking a break too. Maybe she can tell you have backed off and she got the hint.--one can only hope. I am excited myself that after tomorrow I will not have to see her until next week sometime. I will not be going the upcoming weekend at all. I will be busy though and that suits me rather than putting up with her. I am looking forward to a time I will be able to be home and not ever have to go do for her. I can enjoy the day by watching the sunrise and the sunset and really enjoy it and not wish for the day to be over.

Our mother's are angry, frustrated for many reasons and one of those is due to losing control. The control they had while we were young and still now as adults has subsided some. They know in their hearts they cannot tell us what to do like they did before. Even though I stay stressed over it, I try not to do like I did before and maybe that is where the guilt comes in. I also realize she doesn't talk to anyone else except me about her troubles and she vents, cries, and becomes angry with what she cannot change and I am the one that gets to hear it.--I have to listen and get the blunt end. Then I carry it around all week.

I told my daughter last night that I hope I never make her feel like my mom makes me feel. She told me that I do not make her feel that way and sometimes it is hard for her to understand what I go through because she doesn't have a mom like that. :-) That made me feel so much better. I am glad she cannot understand it. I am thankful she doesn't know what that feels like to be controlled and stressed over words. Words--that is all it is--words.

Have a safe, peaceful, and carefree week.

Hi everyone, how are you all doing?
Jewel, how was your Sunday?
Sandwich -- that's great about your son! And glad your mother is currently stable too.
Emjo, I'm not sure if you posted here or somewhere else, but let us know how any discussion goes with your DIL. I'd be averse to any more face to face interaction, and would probably just keep things as light and chatty as possible, only via email instead. Maybe add an occasional brief phone call to the mix -- and if that ends up not being successful, then bringing it back down to only emails.
In my own world, it's been a full 7 days with no call or email from my mother's neighbor. It's been very nice, but so unusual! I do keep waiting for the next "all h-ll"s broke through" event though, so I always feel some level of trepidation, but it's preferable to being subjected to all the drama.
I do wonder though -- did she finally have enough? Did her husband tell her to back off already? Does she have a catastrophe of her own that she has to deal with? Who knows? If she's waiting for me to call her, she's making a mistake, lol.
Hope we all have a peaceful and productive week!

So true CountryMouse, but it drives me crazy. I finally got off my feared, well, you know what, and cleaned out a computer armoire I have been needing to get rid of and sold it--cha ching!! I am now looking at the pile of, you know what, on my table now from the cabinet. We went to the local supply store and had a paint match done for my kitchen thinking we would get that painted today and NOPE they didn't color match it, it didn't match at all. So now I look at blotches of color on my wall, but on to the next thing to do. I will be so happy when I get all this done. I have procrastinated so bad since my dealings with my mom and now I am suffering and so is my family.
I read something today that I am going to write down and read everyday--"Stop trying to change something that you cannot change and frustration will disappear." -Joyce Meyer I am going to try this. Maybe if I say it long enough it will work. I do repeat the serenity prayer very often. Some days it works and other days I just pray harder. It goes like this: "God give me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and the Wisdom to know the difference."

Good night all and guess what tomorrow is? Yep, Sunday visit.

Jewel, on one point at least sit easy: friends who are good friends don't care what the house looks like - if they're concerned by it at all, it'll only be because they care about you and it's not usual for you.

As my lovely one-time boss put it: "Doesn't matter! We don't love you for your dusting."

Hi Sandwich--glad to hear from you. My son is also a sophomore and this age is really tough. Glad he is doing better in school. Glad your mom seems to be dong better as well. I too understand needing a break and the pretending continues. I pretend everyday something has changed, then I realize --who am I fooling?-not even me.

As I watch my dad move his fridge in the house makes me know this is real. Even my husband agrees it was a bit dirty the way my dad has handled things. He has done so much for us--as far as helping us move my daughter in and out of college, being there when we need him or even when we don't. I am just once again put in the middle of their saga. One would hope or think after 25 years life would calm down some and my life would be more in order at 47. I thought it would take him a few months to get the house ready and then rent it out--like he said. NO, he has worked everyday cleaning it up (let me back up a minute...the house has sat empty for 5 years due to a bankruptcy and it needs TLC in the worst way) He told me yesterday he is just cleaning and making it livable right now. If you are wondering where he lived before? let me tell you!! He lived in a very distinguished neighborhood with a large pond backing up to his back yard with ducks, swans, and geese. He could sit on his back porch in his swing and feed the ducks and fish from the bank. He rented out his house??? Why you asked??? I DON"T KNOW!! He moved to another county then this house next to me came about and now he is moving in there. He first told me it was for an investment and with renting his home (over $2300 a month) and renting this house, and his retirement would give him a heck of an income a month and he wanted to travel--(which my dad LOVES to do). He had a big plan--at least to me anyway, then the bomb went off--he is moving in right next door...grrrr!! Does this sound familiar? It is to me, and that is what worries me, my dad moving, renting out his house, buying another house, moving again, sounds like deja vu to me.--my mom almost all over again. Yes, my dad emptied out his house and sold almost everything except a few items he would need and has put some other things in storage...exactly what I went through before--only this time he is doing it on his own, I didn't have to move him three times....my husband even made the comment this morning "this reminds me of what you went through with your mom"" if my dad gets ill too, I know I am moving away. They can share a Nursing Home sweet together. Ha!!!

The weekend is here and I am sitting in pity today and trying to find the strength to get my list accomplished before Friday. We have a festival in our town and we have friends that come in and my house is a living disaster. It looks just like my mind feels. I have never been in this situation before now and I am having difficulty dealing with it. I feel like that little girl that my mom used to boss around and the adult daughter that was put in the middle of a nasty divorce between two parents. I thought those feelings had subsided but I will tell you they are more pronounced now than ever!!

While writing it all down usually helps me, today I find myself paralyzed by fear. Fear of what is to come and what I thought had passed. I have asked myself, "what are you afraid of?" I cannot come up with a sensible answer. My mom is the answer... Why am I afraid of her? It is her words, her look I get, I do not know what fears me the most. All she can do is yell at me, I should be used to that by now--ya think? I think the worst part is I know I am the only person she has to take care of her, she would totally be alone--why do I care? I can't answer that. Maybe this goes back to that little girl that was told over and over, "I am your mother" "Do as I say, not as I do", that invisible spell that exist. I cannot answer these questions, I just know they are real.

Thanks for reading.

Hi all - just catching up. I took some time off here and the Aspergers support board I read. Sometimes it just gets to be a lot, and once in a while I like to pretend it's not all happening and get my ironing caught up. A little mental vacation sort of. It's a luxury that doesn't have a price tag, as everyone here knows!

Good news, my son is making As & Bs in 10th grade and is doing amazingly better than last year this time. Whew.

Mom is stable. UTI here & there, her anxiety itching came back. I need to make a haul of her winter clothes over this weekend. I need to remeasure her for pants. The last measures I took were 43 inch waist and 22 inch inseam, but she was leaning forward at the time. Let me add she is only 60 inches tall for the complete picture.

I hope everyone is hanging on, got your flu shot, and ready for the cold weather that seems to be coming on. I was tired of the heat anyway! :-D

Aaaaaarrrrggghhh Jewel I've just had the most appalling thought -

What if she buys the house the other side of you???????

You'd have to move. Nothing else for it.

Thanks for the laugh!!! I like the BOORRINGG!!! I am constantly rolling my eyes, in my mind of course, when my mom says something about anyone she cannot stand...which is most people--particularly my dad. My dad is a good soul, but I can see so many times through my own eyes why he drove her so crazy. Especially now that he has all of sudden decided he would move in next door instead of renting out the house. I have mentioned to him about his Grand Plan--but he acts like he never said it--knowing he did. He does what he wants to do no matter what anyone else says...he is one of these "I am right" "I know it all" kind of people.. ha! If the sky were blue he would argue it was red.---get the point? If I called him at 3 in the morning needing ice-cream, he would be there at 3:15 with it, but he dang sure goes against what I need in my emotional life right now. He doesn't intentionally put extra on me, but he does. One good thing, I can talk to him about it unlike my mom. My mom doesn't care that she hurts my feelings or puts too much on me. But good grief, did he really think it was okay to live next door? He didn't even ask me my opinion. I had someone ask me about the house this morning and I told them it might be for sale---ha ha. I am going to mention to my dad he can make a profit. I have to find a plan of my own... :-) One step ahead, always!!

My vertigo hits me hard usually but yesterday it only lasted a few hours, thank goodness. I usually am down for a couple of days. One time last year II woke from sleep and needed to go to the bathroom and it hit me hard, my husband tried to help me to the bathroom and I felt like I was falling off a moutain. He carried me and I kept thinking he was dropping me. It was a sight to be seen I am sure. Stress is a true ringer when it comes to vertigo. I do realize it is my bodysaying IT IS TIME TO REST. Mom up the street, dad next door preparing to move in, my grandmother's estate and trying to fit me in there somewhere---what can I say!?!

I do play the lottery on occassion, but today it is calling my name. I need to win. It may as well be me. If I could win, I would leave for a month people. I would disappear on the beach somewhere and pretend my life's troubles didn't exist. They would be hidden away somewhere while I would be overlooking the horizon. Money wouldn't solve all life's problems--not what I am saying at all, but it sure would help me hop on a plane out of here for a long while. Money is what keeps me from going away for a vacation so money would help for a little while--only one can dream. Life is full of dreams. Without my dreams, hopes, faith I wouldn't have anything. I love to think what it would be like--**sigh**.

Linda: I have in a round about way told both my parents what I want from them. I started having one party for my kids and I have invited both to one activity. It usually was my mom who wouldn't participate. Her loss. Now, the situation is much different than just a party or get together. It has become much bigger. My mom says she wants to live with me, which wouldn't be good and she thinks I just don't want her there (maybe she is right)--now my dad is deciding to move next door and my mom will think I am so okay with that but not with her.--get what I am saying here? Ha ha. It is always you like him better than me kind of thing. Maybe sometimes I do, but from a far, not next door...ha ha. I have not decided when or if I will tell her about this move, but I am so stressed over trying to decide.

Keep me out of it!!! Stop talking to me about it!!!! I don't really care anymore!!!
Stop giving me your stress and your grudges!!! STOP IT!!! I feel better, now if I could just say it out loud... :-)

My parents have been divorced for 25 years! TWENTY FIVE YEARS! Time has stood still for my mom that sums it up.

I appreciate ALL of your thoughts. I love to laugh and you have definitely made me laugh.

Jewel, my elder daughter is actually my step-daughter (but we've been in each other's hearts since she was 3). We three parents did all the normal fussing and feuding for years until she graduated from college. Then she told us all to grow up, knock it off and behave like civil adults. She wanted a graduation party at our house and she wanted her mom and maternal grandma to be there. It was touchy at first. She said she loved us all, wanted us all at her key life events and we needed to start getting along. And we did end up getting along fine.It was a shame that we put her in that spot. You may need to do what our daughter did - let them know you've had enough and will not listen to another word of their miserable feud. And that you're not taking sides.

Jewel, I always think of vertigo as nature's way of telling you to lie down: in my case, lie down and grip the floor with all finger and toenails until the cold sweat passes; but in your case, lie down, breathe deeply and after that curl up with a good book and a hot drink for at least an hour. Don't you think it's a completely understandable physical reaction after stress? Could be you're heading under the weather, though - mind out you're not getting a cold and it's upsetting your ears or something like that. High dose Vitamin C! - absolutely no evidence it works, I know, but it can't possibly hurt and at least you feel you've tried. My (gynaecologist) aunt always swore by it. It, and wearing jade… oh well, who said all doctors have to be logical.

Pity your parents. I don't mean I do - it's hard not to have stern views about a divorced couple who fire at each other across their children's noses - I'm suggesting it as a way of looking. You're 47. They divorced how long ago? And still they're at it. What a couple of sad sacks! - time they found something more constructive to do with their leisure hours. You need some way to say to both of them 'talk to the hand', and I have found, myself, that deciding to feel sorry for someone changes the way I feel about them altogether.

It crosses my mind that I could ask my cousin how she dealt with her parents' divorce, because she, similarly, stayed very close to both her parents in spite of their bitterness towards each other. Actually, no, it was her mother who was bitter, and very good grounds for it she had, too. But still, it's a question of how a loving daughter can stay close to both without either getting torn down the middle or losing her mind. A little impatience shown to both of them might help get the message across that you don't want to hear another word about it. I don't know how my cousin handled conversations with them, just that she worried about them both and seemed to spend half her life rushing from one house to the other. Which I don't recommend.

Here are some mantras you could try

I don't want to hear it.
Boooorrrrrriiiinnngggggg!!!!!!
None of my business.
Excuse me? - that's my dad/mother you're talking about!
Leave me out of it.

I think I would want to ask your father what happened to his Grand Rental Plan, then? He can live where he likes, of course; but that doesn't mean you have to approve if it's giving you grief.

Oh you poor thing! Hard to do, but remember that you cannot be responsible for what you don't control. Hugs.

I have been going over and over in my head what I will say to her. I have practiced out loud what I am going to say to her when she brings up about how she has been cheated with my grandmother's estate too. I always have to be a step ahead of her--anyone else feel that way? Always one or two steps ahead and being prepared for what they might bring up? --that is exhausting.

Emjo: Glad the visit went well and as hard as it may be, the non recognition may be a blessing for you. There will be less and less worry about things that way. I still cannot believe your mom is 102..wow. I don't think I can make it with my mom if she lives that long. She is soon to turn 69 that will be 33 more years. Holy good golly, I don't even want to think of that. I will say her grandmother and great grandmother lived up until their 100's. It could happen. I KNOW for a fact I will walk away before then. The difference with them, though, was they still had good minds. Her mother lived to 90, but her dad died at 67 with cancer. All her aunts and uncles are still living in their 90's...it is looking scary from here. ha ha. Surely God will give me the strength I need by then to walk away and let someone else deal with her sassy a#$ by then.

My mom too will not recognize some things I bring her that are her own. She will say well, if that is mine it is old and I don't want it. She is starting to remember some things she had and is wanting me to go to storage to retrieve them. Finding them will be the key.

When I go home from work and my dad is next door working on the home he got, I get so angry--I don't even know why. Maybe because I feel trapped once again, I feel betrayed once again, and/or maybe it is my mom in my head looking through my eyes being mad and therefore, I am upset. Either way, I need to find a way to get through this. JUst when I thought things were looking up and I was getting more courage each day dealing with her, now this. Maybe I will put my house up for sale and move. That would probably be the best. I love where I live, but now, I dread going home. Home was my refuge, my safe haven, my resting place--now it is also causing dread. HELP!! I feel like going to the top of a mountain and screaming until I lose my voice. I am back to point A only on a different board.

loo - sorry about the cancellation. Until she gets treated, she will be difficult and will avoid evaluation. I suspect things will have to get worse before they get better. It is too bad.

jewel - sorry you are not feeling well. I expect it just hit you - dad moving next door??? Crazy!!! It really puts you in the middle, but you have to resist that. His moving there is his choice. Your mother getting upset about it is her choice. I know it is hard. You will have to practice what you have learned here. Once when my mother was going on and on about someone I had already heard too much about, I told her that I had heard it all and I did not want to hear about this person any more as it ruined our visits. She actually hardly mentioned her again and it used to be a regular rant.

Yesterday's meeting and visit went well. On the drug, mother is about as good as she gets. Gary said he saw no spark of recognition towards him and that was a first. I don't know that she recognized me till I talked to her. I went through her clothes with her and took some for alterations and some she did not want. I will try them on her again later. She did not recognize the coat she had asked me to bring her, but accepted that it was the one she had asked me for. I can see the decline in small ways - the dementia is progressing slowly, but we had a good chat about family.

Back home tomorrow and will be happy to be there. Although it all went well, I still find it is draining.

Sorry you're not feeling well, Jewel. I wouldn't even mention your father moving next door. Even if you think it might get back to your mother somehow. If and when she finds out, you can just say it was just as much a surprise to you, and then try to drop the subject (I know, not easy).

I have vertigo and haven't had a spell in about a year. My last "attack" was after we found out about the dementia and I was overwhelmed with everything. Well, this morning I wake with the room spinning, my eyes rolling around in my head and the wall won't be still for me to stand. I became sick to my stomach, had to cancel work, and I felt like I had been on a drunk. After finally feeling well enough to get my son to school, I came home and went straight back to bed. I slept about two hours and woke feeling like I had a bad hangover. I finally got it together to finish my work day, pick my son up at school and get him to work. I am home now resting and wondering what in the world went over me this morning. My stressful week was last week and I survived it, our bodies work in mysterious ways. I am glad to be standing straight and not swimming around my house. Horrible thing to have that vertigo. I also have another stress added to my daily living. I know I briefly mentioned it before but I will bring it up one more time.--My parents are divorced and my mom wishes he never existed, hates the thought of me even talking to him or being around him. To add to this, my dad bought the house next door to me...yes, this is really happening. I moved my mom closer so I wouldn't have to travel as often then moved her here permanently to AL. Now, my dad moves here--right next door. What in the world have I done to deserve all this? Whew. I love my dad so much and he is so different from my mom. He is loving, caring, compassionate, helpful, and sometimes annoying--ha! But, my mom still exist in my life too and I have to live with her wrath. I have not told my mom about the purchase next door and I don't know when I will, but this is a small town and it will have to be told soon enough. How to do this? How will I survive all this stress that my life is enduring? These are all questions I ask myself every morning. My mom being ill has given me the time back with my dad that I feel I lost while she still was in control..but did he really need to want to move next door. The original plan for the house next door was for him to buy as an investment and rent out--why is he moving in? Does he still have this thing with my mom--secretly--now I have won?--him thinking this of course. They have always used me as this pawn, this go between of their feuds and differences. I am soon to be 47 and it is still happening. This feels like a woe is me session, but maybe I need that from time to time. When I tell my mom about this, she will go off, when I tell my dad he can't just come over ,anytime he wants, he will understand but yet get his feelings hurt. Something has to give soon. I am exploding on the inside and my health is starting to suffer...soon it will be my job, my family, then what? As I thought things were looking up, they just fell back down again.

Once again, thanks for reading and know that you are not alone with all the daily stresses, there is someone else out there living a stressful day, week, month, life...today--it is me sharing it with you!

Sigh...
So, my mother has cancelled her neurologist appointment for the second time. I was hoping she wouldn't remember that he had been the one who helped me with getting her drivers license revoked. Not that she ever had any proof, but she suspected correctly that it was him. Now, I'm not sure if she even remembers why she doesn't trust him, but obviously, she wants nothing to do with him.
I won't push it anymore -- if she refuses, then so be it. It's just that I was hoping that he would be willing to sign a document stating that she's incapacitated, so that I could bring it to my mother's banker. He said that having that document would really help protect her accounts. Now, I don't know if he'll be willing to sign it, since he won't be able to examine her. Anyway, I asked that he call me when he has 5 minutes, so we'll see...
Hope everyone's week is going well. Fight the good fight :)

cm - various words go through my head - some of them not repeatable, including the f word. I am not a saint! I so dearly want to say to her - just one time - "Suck it up, princess." Re the cat you did the right thing. I am sure she s not thinking "You bastards". But it still is hard and we second guess ourselves. She is happy on the other side. Toonie is reunited with Gordie and being cuddled and called "Tiger" now .

jewel - not the move yet - pre-move arrangements. This will be my mother's 4th residence in the last 5 years, not counting 10 months in hospital - and I know she will want to move again after a few months in her new place. No way, Jose', unless they throw her out. Then, after moving her, we have to dispose of the extra belongings she bought for her last place. We got rid of much of her stuff when she moved from a 2 bedroom apt into a one room unit Alf. Then six months later she moved into a 2 bedroom unit in an ALF and refurnished with new stuff. I hadn't gotten rid of all the old stuff yet. In May, we emptied the 2 bedroom ALF unit into storage while she stayed in hospital. Now we have to set her up in a one room unit again, and dispose of what is left. Certainly she will not be moving into another 2 bedroom unit again, if anything, to a nursing home. There is a lot to dispose of and G has suggested an auction. He has done those, so we will include the stuff of hers I still have at home (truck it back down here) and, hopefully, get rid of it all. I look forward to that being done and will rest easier once it is. My house has way too much in it and I long for some open spaces. Oh my, what we do for them and with no appreciation which would help. She did nothing for her parents, and once my father died when she was about 65, spent her time doing exactly what she wanted and traveled a lot. I wish!

Jessie - I think I waited too long with my dog - "keeping them alive is less about them than it is about me keeping them alive" makes total sense to me. I think the vet would have put him down sooner. But on the other hand, I find the time comes when you "know it has to be done and that decision is made on a mixture of their condition and your thoughts/feelings. With Toonie, when the vet said he would be in distress within hours I wanted to spare him that so we proceeded. Never easy, no matter the circumstances.

loo - I like the matchmaker image.:)

better get moving - passed breakfast by sleeping in so need lunch and to compose myself for the meeting - write down questions more than anything.

Have a good day and do something good for you.

Cm, I haven't heard of the "mog" books, but I'll look them up right now!

Thank you Jessie! I hope she's happy, too; sitting in the sun and bird-watching (in a good way). Trouble is I see it more like someone having their plate taken away by a busy waiter before they've quite finished - it's not that you're still hungry, it's more: "Oi! I wanted that bit -!"

But I hope she was glad to be breathing freely again, and not thinking "you bastards!" It's not easy. Actually, I don't think it *should* be easy - after all, we owe them some hard deliberation before we decide for them, don't we?

Looloo are you a fan of the "Mog" books? Judith Kerr used exactly that image to try explaining things gently to children.

Very true, Jessie. I also like to think that our 'dearly departed' pets become guardian angels for the ones to come :). I imagine them, up wherever they are, playing 'matchmaker' and smiling down at us.

CM, I've helped three of my rabbit buddies to the bridge. There is always the question of if it was really needed or was I just reacting to stress or anger. Then I rerun all the bad things that had been happening and knowing how each suffered. I have a feeling that my worst problem is that I wait too long. I always hope that things will get better, that there will be good days. Then I realize that keeping them alive is less about them than it is about me keeping them alive -- if that makes sense.

There comes a day when we realize that keeping our pets alive is torture for them and for ourselves watching and caring for them. I wouldn't be surprised if your cat was thinking "Thank you!" when you helped him to the bridge. I have a feeling you didn't make the decision lightly. And I have the feeling your decision was the right one.

I like to think of our pets as being free from pain and in fresh bodies running and playing on the other side of the bridge.

Good morning, friends.
Bravo!! We all are doing better, I can see. It may not seem like it at times, but I can hear in your writings that we have all stepped up and letting roll off our shoulders a little easier. It will take many more screams out loud before we are able to say "I am done"! We may never be done and that is okay. Walking away from a bitter, hateful, ungrateful person is not easy...why is that? If I had the answer I would share the wealth. Ha! It is that invisible spell we all possess.

The famous line: I will be dead by then. I have heard that for 3 years now. I always give a chuckle and say "Oh, no you won't, you have made it this far" then she will reply, "well, not this time". I too hear, "what do you have to do or better yet, what did you do all day yesterday?"--This is insinuating that I did nothing and should have been with her. Even if I did nothing, that is my business. Everyone needs a day of rest.

Emjo good luck with moving, I have moved mine 3 times and she would love to move again, but until I absolutely have to, she isn't going anywhere. CM: as hard as it is to move past a decision that we look back on and wish we had made a different one, just remember: The decision you made, was the best decision for you at that time. The kitty would still be suffering if you had made any other decision. This was all put on you unfortunately. Mom has moved on and you are left to grieve for both of you. You made the right decision regardless and no one wants to ever think that is a right decision--make any sense? The kitty is at rest and hopefully soon, your mind can rest too.

Emjo, you forgot the last line of that exchange:

Me - [thinks] "I've heard that one before…"

Juddha and Emjo, I marvel at your patience. Do you never, really never, just think "oh eff off, mother..!"?

Mind you, I'm a fine one to talk, still guilting myself over that poor little cat. Was it really that urgent to have her euthanised, or was I in part punishing mother for showing no concern over her pet's obvious physical problems? - something which I know is a very deep, sore point for all of us, her children. Now I know how ridiculous that sounds, and not only did I have genuine reasons but those reasons were backed up by veterinary support above and beyond the call of professional duty, not to mention further thanks to so many of you who sent me comforting messages. But still… Did it have to be that day? Was there also a spark of anger that made me act then and there?

Well, what if there was - it doesn't alter anything, and it doesn't make the decision wrong, either. But tellingly, I'm still worrying away about this while dearest mama has already put it all behind her. Don't worry, mother, I'll deal with it...