Is it normal she's so negative?

Here I am, home safe and sound! Don't know about sound quite yet, my mind is still racing from our visit and conversations that came up today. Bits and pieces of information she seems to be holding in and then all of a sudden bursts out like a bad pimple, you just don't know what to do with it..Of course she called me as I was getting ready to turn in, making sure I am on my way--trust issues. When I got in the room she was putting on her shirt saying she didn't know if she was supposed to get ready or wait on me. I told her to go ahead and get ready and I would help. She let me know real fast she didn't need help--far cry from yesterday. She went on to vent that when they came for breakfast she had to tell them she was going for tests and couldn't eat and how no one asked her if she needed help getting dressed--well, that is funny, I heard a different story when I came in, the one girl that is so sweet to my mom told me she asked my mom if she could help her dressed and/or she would help her get in the shower. Who to believe?--easy answer. Then she whined about how scared she was and I agreed because I was nervous for her this morning. She preceded to tell me of some changes at the AL she was confused about--the only thing different is they hired one girl to clean everyone's apartment (now a cleaning lady) instead of the workers doing that too. She went on about how that lady didn't do her laundry and how I would have to start doing it.--When I asked the director about this, she told me that nothing else has changed only the "cleaning lady". The workers will still do my mom's laundry.---why does she get so dang confused?--stress builder! She also told me that no one came around last night and asked her what she wanted for dinner---wow there, I told her I was here when that conversation came about. They did ask her and she denied dinner. She told me no this was after I left--no sally, it was not, I was there and I preceded to tell her again what the exact conversation was. She got so mad and told me I could take up for them if I wanted but she knew how it went.--does she really now? When I went to sign her out to go the director followed me back to my mom's room and my mom told her the same as above, the director tried to tell her everything was alright and if she needed something that they didn't take care of she needed to ring her buzzer and they would take care of it. My mom--being who and how she is said, I pay enough here that they should just do what I want without asking them. There is that woman that thinks everyone is psychic. We are supposed to know exactly what she wants and how she wants it and if we get it wrong, it is our fault.--don't you love it? After we left and got to the hospital, she was all smiles and talking to the people in the waiting room. She recognized two or three people there that she knew and went to school with. They talked and she laughed---I must have forgot my mom at her apartment, I will be right back. HA!!! She did great, had her ultrasound and her blood work like a champ. She was still smiling when we left. The minute and I do mean the minute we got in the car she started, did you hear what the "director" said to me, how she smarted off to me about something?--no mom, I didn't hear that--because she didnt smart off to her. Did you hear when she said that I was capable of ringing my buzzer---well, sassy, you are!! Several other issues before she decided she would go to a store and look for clothes--yes, she decided she would go shopping. Went in the only store we have here in our small town and of course, they don't have anything here, who would wear this stuff, on and on. Where do those other ladies get there clothes, I know they don't come here. Blah Blah Blah I offered to take her out to eat and NO she didn't want to do that, but she told me I could get something but she didn't want to go in--you really want me to eat in the car, mother? I told her I would just eat lunch at her place since I wasn't sitting in the car eating--she told me that didn't bother her if I ate in the car--this isn't about you for once! Went back to her place and they came to see about her--of course they only do that when I am there, they want to show me that they care--those are her words! They talked her in to eating a sandwich with me. two of the girls came in and one asked how things went, my mom got mad because the other girl didn't ask, see how she ignores me, she didn't even ask if I was ok. I told her the other one did and she thinks they both should even though they were there at the same time--makes NO sense to me!

Here is where I had to make a break for the door. While we were eating, in her room of course, can't go to the dining room like normal people. She started talking about my grandmother's things and it got heated. She acts like we all have cheated her. She keeps telling me that she didn't get a chance to pick out what she wanted--she did and the answer was no every single time. Now she thinks everyone should be paying her for what they took "her part" of "her" mother's things. She cried and screamed about how unfair it all was and that everyone was so unfair to her. After about an hour of it, I had to leave. No one was being unfair to her, she just sees it that way like she has every other thing all her life. I cannot tell you how sick of all this I am. I am so READY for this torture to be over! I was so torn up by the time I left it has taken me another hour to calm down and write. This is where I tell you once again how much I appreciate you reading what I write. It helps more than I ever thought it could.

Question before I end?? During her ultrasound--which I hadn't had this happen before, the girl doing it went and got the radiologist. He then asked to get pics of other areas and they told us we would probably get the results later today. Does that mean anything? I have had this bad feeling, but then again, I know my mom is healthy as a horse except for her mind and attitude, she will live to be ripe like emjos mom...HA!

Jewel, there's no "me me me" about it on your part, silly! :) - it is SO nice just to get a pat on the head from an objective observer from time to time. We wear ourselves into little frazzled twigs worrying whether we're getting it right and what more we could be doing that we're not already doing and where are we going wrong.. so to hear praise is a relief and a pleasure. And in your case richly deserved, too.

Some people just find it very hard to take a compliment, or to express pride - your mother sounds very similar to mine in that respect. It's a lifelong habit that they tend to pass on…

Good luck for today, hold tight x

Thank you CM...I do her hair and I surprisingly like doing hair (maybe not just hers) but I do enjoy it. Even though she tells me later on in the visit it looks awful. I never know how to take that..does she think I do a bad job--I personally don't think so, or does she just feel like she looks bad? Either way, she has to be negative or her day wouldn't be right. Looloo the neighbor seems to want to make you feel bad for not being there--maybe not consciously but she is putting that in you. Take in what seems important and let go of what is not. (I know, advice from someone who can't seem to do the same :-) Memory care would be a great thing, she won't like it, but you will know she is safe. I feel so much better knowing my mom is safe.

The visit wasn't too good at first today, she was concerned about her appointment tomorrow, stressing out over what to wear, should she eat first, should she take her pills in the morning, how was she going to get in the car, put her shoes on, walk in the hospital, afraid they may keep her...the list goes on. I tried my hardest to let her know everything will be alright and I told her what we would do step by step. Do not eat or take pills in the morning, we will lay out your clothes today, I will pull the car up close, I will drop you off at the door--we will even get a wheel chair if you need it ( I don't need a wheel chair--well, then mom, quit acting like it), I went over step by step what we would do to make it easier. After about an hour, we got her hair washed, picked out clothes to wear and let me tell you--my mom lost so much weight over the past 3 years down to 79 pounds we had to do buy a whole new wardrobe..I put those clothes in the closet at the AL and oh my guess what? In march she had gained back to 105 pounds, now she can only fit in two pair of the pants and actually they were hers from before and two shirts that were hers before, she is back to her 135 pound self. She cried and said, now you know why I don't put my clothes on here...I said, no, you didn't put your clothes on even when these fit. So, now ladies, back to storage at some point and get in clothes boxes and take her some clothes and I guess a shopping trip (oh how this is no fun shopping for her) remember the woman doesn't like anything I pick out. Today she saw one of the other ladies and told me that her daughter shops for her all the time and I like that blouse she has on...I said, "well, maybe I will get her daughter to go shop for you"....hahahahaha...yes, I did. I didn't crack a smile and I got the evil eye from her. After washing hair, trying on clothes, washing off, putting pjs back on, she was worn out. She then started to cry "how will I make it tomorrow"...I look at her with such pity sometimes because my mom was always so strong and independent she would have never second guessed how she was going to do something. We eventually ventured up to the patio and there were about 4 other ladies (yay) because I didn't have to sit there with her by myself. One of the ladies kept telling my mom how beautiful I was (I was embarrassed to say the least) over and over she kept saying it...finally my mom looks at her and said, "yea, she is a good girl"...I just about fell out of my chair, my mom bragged on me for a moment. --then she said, "I used to be young once, but look at me now"...oh my, back to me me me.She never did like when someone bragged on me and not her. I went to school with the director and she was filling in with someone today and she was there when this conversation was taking place, she said, She is a good girl and a good daughter, she comes every week and takes care of her mom..." chalk one up for me today--IN FRONT OF MY MOM! Listen to me, I sound like her...me me me...she is rubbing off.

Thanks to all of you for thinking of me today, my daughter texted me soon as I pulled in to see my mom (she is away at college) she said, positive thoughts and when you leave, leave the negative energy behind. I could feel all of you shielding me today. It worked. God, my daughter, and all of you!!! Keep shielding me through tomorrow!! Good night and only positive thoughts.

WELL....., let's not count our chickens just yet! :). I have replaced one difficult person (mother) with another (neighbor), it seems. Still, it is probably an ok arrangement, as long as I can do the usual--establish boundaries, and try to keep things in perspective. My mother's care is still taking up most of my time and brain space, but it is much better not dealing with her 1:1. It will probably not last, and that will have to be ok too. I've begun considering maybe possibly intervening again and getting her placed in memory care before a crisis occurs--but we'll see. It would require a great deal of coordination, more contact with her, and I would need to make up a story about her home not being livable, in order to get her out. It isn't something I think is possible now, but maybe within the next year? Her neighbor won't stop with her constant commentary about how "she can't go on like this!!!" It's increasing my own stress level quite a bit, but I don't want to stubbornly stick to my guns if it doesn't make sense to. Did that make sense? Ugh, I have to unplug my brain ...

Jewel, doing your mother's hair for her is a lovely thing. Enjoy it for what it is and close your ears to anything else x

CountryMouse: I have so thought of doing that already. The only issue is she needs her hair done before the appointment and with a morning appointment, it won't give me time to do her hair first. :-( I will suck it up and go today. I woke this morning with that nasty knot in my stomach. I woke thinking I feel like I am slowly dying on the inside. I lay there telling myself, get up, get going and stop letting one person make you so miserable. After I got up, got breakfast for my family and sat outside for a bit in the sunshine, I am feeling better. It is a beautiful day and I am not going to let her ruin it. If she starts after I do her hair, then I am leaving and I will see her tomorrow. I am doing my duties as a daughter/care giver. I know it is not something I have to do, I am realizing that and maybe one day I will be able to walk away like looloo and just pay someone else to do hair and fix pill boxes and do her affairs from afar. I think I may move to the beach--sound good? Then I really would be afar. On the bright side it would be good for my spirit and the sunshine would keep me full of the vitamins I need. Haha.

Have a great day everyone!

Emjo, thinking about your mother's colourful progress through all these care settings I'm reminded of the olden days when they used to threaten crying children with being "given something to cry about…" No picture hanging committee. No personalised vitamin deliveries. Sort out your own furniture, then, if you don't like the way I do it. Let her find out how well the world turns when your unsatisfactory services aren't available, and see if she still feels like complaining after that.

I can sense your disapproval (and yes I am being facetious). But for heaven's sake at least do this insane project - three days' notice? Big of them! - in your own good time and at your own pace. Though of course you'll be glad to have it done and off your hands.

Kazzaa, as long as the cat's being looked after it might be less problematic to wait 'til you've got your own place a bit further away before you attempt to move him. You'll be back and forth all day - don't forget cats are highly territorial and really don't care for having their boundaries moved. A few days won't change his habits, not if he can see his own stamping ground from your friend's house. Thank you for all the kind thoughts: I'm missing Gretel terribly - it's just weird even going through the utility room and not seeing her dishes there. My own cat, Sweeney, was 19 when she died - she got dementia, sundowning and everything, and walked into the road one morning for all the world as if she knew what she was doing. I still miss her (Guy doesn't! - she led him such a dance, clever little thing…), but the house wasn't so changed then because at least we had another cat. It's also made me think a bit harder and more seriously about how I will feel when mother's chair is finally empty, too. Possibly I won't be hanging up bunting and throwing a party, for example. It's funny what leaves the real gaping holes in your life, isn't it?

On the other hand, enough is as good as a feast, as they say - Jewel, if you're seeing your mother on Monday to take her for tests, can you not get away with calling her first thing and explaining that driving up two days' running isn't practical for you but you'll see her tomorrow? Don't whatever you do call her and then back down, though - decide beforehand what YOU want to do and stick to it. Either way I hope the visit/s is/are a success. Big hug.

Have a good Sunday and Monday anyway Jewel. Maybe eventually it won't be such a soul-sucking experience; it'll just feel like a regular drag, like being stuck in traffic :)
Received yet another email from neighbor lady. Nothing urgent, just her shrill, panicky voice coming through. At least it's not a phone call. Those stress me out much worse. Anyway, I am ignoring and will respond on Monday. I've already spent time today doing other "mom" things and would appreciate a break.

emjo--I couldn't have said it all better myself. You just perfectly described my life in a few short paragraphs. How in the world did you know I put on a face and make everything look just peachy? Let me guess, this is all from experience. We are all different ages, in different states, and different countries, yet we each can tell how the other feels due to our own experiences. I am so happy I have found each of you. Knowing I do not have to go through this journey alone, even though it is tough, I can bare it.

edfernandez: That is how my mom started out about 5 years ago. They diagnosed her with depression and tried to say that is was all wrong with her until she got out of hand 2 years ago. I am glad you found it early and the meds are working.

Kazzaa: You have done a great job staying away and it paid off. I know the guilt of thinking now mom needs you and feels sorry for you. Don't fall in the pit. I am so glad she brought you a coat and money. She should, that is the least she can do after your 5 year roller coaster ride. Your brother will definitely find out what it's all about. Your mom sounds like she is playing both of you now. Don't tell brother, don't tell sister... Make it a joke. Laugh all the way to the store for groceries. HA! Sometimes "just knowing" is enough.

I have enjoyed my Friday and Saturday tackling my list and oh tomorrow is Sunday... I wish she would say she didn't feel like me coming, but that won't happen. I think she likes me to come, it is the highlight of her day to say mean things. Haha! Then I have Monday going for some testing for her. Two days in a roll...can I make it? I think I can, I think I can, It's all up hill from here. Can't wait for Tuesday and it will be over for a few days. I hate when I wish my life away. When I write sometimes, I think I sound just like my mom, negative nancy. I definitely don't mean it like she does.

My wife has very similar behavior. She has Moderate Cognitive Impairment. May or may not be early Alzheimers. Primary care doctor diagnosed her with depression and some bipolar disorder. She is now on and antidepressant (venlafaxine) and a mood pill (lamotrigine). Vast improvement!

Ha! emjo youd think it would be easy to get my cat?? when i call up hes out somewhere last night i felt like a stalker waiting outside my house waiting for him to come home but its warm here and he could be out all night!!

Tried calling him alot but no unless hes pissed at me! havnt seen him in a wk! I will text my brother on monday and get him and his litter tray cant take him with no litter tray. They say keep him in for a few days so funny moving your cat a few houses away is not actually that easy!
Im ok just on antibiotics which i hate and these ones cut your appetite but am starting to eat more fresh veg and fish! I am forcing myself to eat good! alot less stressed than last wk, but i tell you it takes awhile to realise youve absolutely nothing to do? I mean im struggling to find things to do? just shows you just how much our lives are so taken up by mum i mean i never had time to think NOW i have too much time and looking for things to do!! it takes time as at the back of my mind i think oh must cook mums dinner or must do this then reality hits you! Yeh strange! Everyone here is sick as its so warm during the day and cold at night but WOW great weather for us and this time of year and it will last another wk!
Getting the bus to the beach tomorrow (no car) will go for a long walk the ocean is supposed to be very calming so cant wait! i live 7miles from the beach i should spend more time there!
Hugs to all and welcome Grandma! just reading am a bit lost but ill catch up with all soon!
CM hope youre doing ok missing the cat im sure it takes time to get over a pet everyone i tell is WOW 20yrs!
Jewltone the more i read about your mum the more she sounds like mine NEVER happy!! hang in there theyd be lost without us!
emjo your mum is some cookie!! maybe she just likes moving around!! i think shes so funny OH annoying but you have to laugh at her stubborness i cant wait to get to 102 and be stubborn!! JOKE!

loo - sorry about your mil. Sounds like your hub has a great family. I wish... I think you "did good" with the neighbour. No, her problems are not your fault nor your responsibility to fix. I know that tendency - part of our upbringing. Yes, you are doing the right thing and we do have to clear the bs out of our lives as much as possible.

Mother will be moved soon apparently - we will have3 days notice. I have to line up people to take her for doctor's appointments, shop for whatever or take her shopping, have her vitamins delivered to her new place if I can, then will have to set up TV and phone, get what she wants out of storage, get pictures up on her walls, and help arrange furniture, revise her insurance and so on. And there is no guarantee that this is the last move. If the pattern continues she will be unhappy there and wanting to move within 6 months to a year. The last year at her ALF was dreadful, If she could have she would have moved out before 2 years was up. This facility will be a mental health one, so, hopefully, staff will be able to handle her and she can stay there for the duration or until she needs a nursing home.

Kazz, just stay the course, despite the pull of guilt. It sounds like you're doing right by your mum, and also yourself. Hope you have your cat back soon! Pets are....well, pretty much everything :)
It sounds like we're all doing ok, despite the challenges--cheers to all of you!
It occurred to me yesterday that part of my difficulty w/my mother's neighbor isn't all her fault--it's my very ingrained knee-jerk response to "fix", "solve", "comfort" whatever is troubling OTHER people. So, it's on me to calm myself down and reassure myself that the neighbor's own problems are NOT my responsibility to solve. In another email yesterday, she provided some info she said she'd get for me a week ago, along with a lot of virtual hand-wringing. I emailed her back today with only a thank you for the info--I didn't acknowledge any of the other stuff. It felt rude and insensitive, but I'm doing the right thing. Gotta clear the b.s.out of our lives as much as possible.
Also, my lovely, loving MIL who lives across the country, suddenly was admitted to the hospital yesterday. Not sure how she's doing, but it's so inspiring how great her attitude is, as well as my FIL and her other children. I've never seen a family with stable, caring people, keeping their heads on straight, being a comfort to each other. It's beautiful.

loo- it would be nice if the neighbour toned down. Hope the meeting with the neurologist goes well next week . Sounds like you are staying on top of things - breathe deep.

Linda -sorry about your mum's room mate. Hope she gets a good replacement.

jewel - keep building your own life. It is healthy

Multipass - detaching is part of the answer good for you

sandwich - how are things? There have been a lot of good changes for you and your mother in the last few months. I told the transition coordinator the other day that I thought mother should be medicated whether she agrees or not. I sensed a hesitation the other end of the phone. I said she was suicidal before. She was still talking suicide when I saw her before she was medicated. What does it take??? They did not get 3 crazy phone calls a day for months and see and hear her when she was at her worst. Her quality of life was dreadful Now she is back to her usual borderline self, but a bit calmer..

Kazzaa, it is possible, of course, that your mother cares about you and wants to know you're okay. Occam's Razor - the explanation that requires the fewest assumptions can often be the most reliable. Don't go back. Just thank her for the coat and the cash and let her know you're fine.

Are you fine? Sorry to gather you've been under the weather but as Emjo says it wouldn't be surprising. More chicken soup! - wish you better x

kaz - that is sad and infuriating - your mum playing her kids against one another again. Yes, she is missing you and the care you gave her, but you are right to stay away or the whole mess will start all over again. I suspect she will have another episode like she did when she collapsed recently, as she does not manage her own care properly and your bro is not giving her the care that you did. The doc may need to see that again before he/she can act. Meanwhile I hope you are recovering from that flu. I think your immune system is run down from 5 years of caregiving and all the stress. Hope you are eating properly now and looking after yourself. Is your cat with you now? He would be a great comfort.(((((hugs))))))

GrandmaD6 - I am sure your husband appreciates all you do for him and your good attitude towards him. Change of personality after a heart attack is not unusual. I see you are grieving your loss.
I am a grandma too and like jewel and others on this thread, have a mother who is negative. In fact, she has been negative all her and my life. I have been following and contributing to this thread for some time and am going to share my 2c worth with you. Most of us have been grieving the lack of the mother we needed, and didn't have, all our lives. This is not a parallel to your experience.
Your experience is based, as you say, on your husband's change of personality since his heart attack. Their and my experience is based on a life time of emotional, verbal and sometime physical abuse by a parent with a personality disorder which includes narcissism, negativity and manipulation. The experts (psychologists to which many of us have gone due to childhood abuse) say we must protect ourselves. This is what jewel and others here are learning to do. And we are supporting each other as we learn to do that.
You say "I sincerely know how you feel." Dear one, I do not think you do. This is not the same as caring for someone who has been normal and then gets ill. This is continuing to deal with a mentally ill person as they age. The parent we deal with was not happy when they were young, we could never do enough for them nor good enough for them no matter how hard we tried -and we did try. We tried so hard. We put on a good face at school and when out with friends though our hurts may have shown through once in a while. Daily we dreaded what we would meet at home. That we have turned out to be caring people is a miracle. Despite the abuse we suffered, we still care for our abusive parent. It is not easy as many of us suffer from PTSD from childhood experiences, and that PTSD gets triggered by our parent's current behaviours.
You write - "It's hard to see someone you remember as you do your mom becoming bitter with life. Do you think this is how she envisioned her "golden" years? You'd be cranky, too!" As I write above, we are not seeing a person become bitter, we are dealing at close quarters with a person, who has been bitter, demanding and argumentative all their lives - a person who some of us managed to distance from for quite a lot if our adulthood and who we now have agreed to care take, despite the past and current hurts. My mother is 102. She is in excellent physical health, but now has vascular dementia to add to the Borderline Personality Disorder. She has had every reason to have a happy contented life until the last year or so. She has a very decent income which is secure. She traveled well into her 80s. She lived in her own lovely apartment with good help into her 90s. We got her a senior nanny to be with her 24/7 when she was 95, but they quit after 9 months due to the abuse. Yes, she is still abusive even at 102. We then moved her to the ALF of her choosing and she wanted to move again after 6 months. I moved her to another ALF of her choosing - one of the best if not the best in the city. She had a beautiful 2 bedroom apartment, and "home care" for life - people to make her meals as she wished them, to shop for her, and so on. Was she happy? No. All she looked at were the things that she could perceive were wrong - and no matter what, people with this personality can find wrong things and ways they have been wronged. They have a lifetime of experience.
Another point. I am 77 and have my own health issues, and as with everyone else have imperfect children etc., but do not choose to complain and play victim - and I still care for my mother who could outlive me. I have known a number of seniors who lived into their 90s who were delightful people despite their ailments. I aspire to be like them. The professionals that care for mother say she is lucky to have me. I think that is true for the others who post here - their parent is lucky to have them as a caretaker.
Jewel started this thread to get support for herself on her ongoing journey as the caretaker of her negative mother. Many of us are walking a similar road. You know the saying, “Don’t judge someone until you’ve walked a mile in their shoes”. It really applies here. I do not understand what you are going through with your husband, and I don't think you understand what we are going through with our parents. I sincerely hope that your husband gets some treatment for his depression and that he returns to being more the man he was. All the best and do something good for you today.

Quick update........... was on my way home last night in the dark at 9pm when i saw my mum with her cane walking up from my friends house? she called out to me but i just ignored her. she has only left a new coat and money in a bag for me at my friends door?? a note saying i got you this coat for winter and money for food? she also said you can call to house anytime just dont let your brother see you? i am furious with her so now the guilt and the lonelyness is starting to kick in? Oh she wont tell siblings this its her dirty little secret? i mean how messed up is this?
No i stand my ground and stay away until siblings see shes not right! Of course shes going to be lonely now brother is calling once a day to "check" just not good enough.
anyway doc will hopefully see her this week and he will get SS involved if he sees shes not well.
Its just disgusting mum needs me and her family around her and this should not be happening. Seems like brother is calling the shots now? but you all know he will take on more than he can handle!
I sent him an email outlining all her care meds hygiene etc sent copy to all siblings and told him SS will be in to check shes living in a safe and clean environment?

Cant wait until SS tell him whats what!

Hugs to all

GrandmaD6--you have wonderful insights to share. I just think that some people are not as kind or as mentally well-balanced as you. I appreciate your advice but I also understand that some things that seem so right are easier said than done.

I sincerely know how you feel. I went through this with my husband when he had his heart attack. The problem was that he loved life so much and he was so angry (and frightened) because he felt that it was being taken from him by something he couldn't control. It's hard to see someone you remember as you do your mom becoming bitter with life. I understand how she feels as well - she's so young to be going through this! She is suffering a huge loss - of dignity, of independence, of self-esteem, of all her dreams and expectations for her so-called golden years. That's a lot to swallow. Best wishes to you. I know you're trying your best and hopefully she will move from this stage of grieving over what is happening in her life to a stage where she finds some peace and can show she enjoys your company again. Believe it or not, she still really looks forward to your visits! Don't give up!

GrandmaD6: Thank you...It is true that this is definitely not how she envisioned her life. She reminds of it all the time. I never in a million years thought my mom--the wise, talented, beautiful, had it all together woman, would ended up this way. Especially at 68 soon to be 69. When you say: My sincere advise, not that it's easy to take, is to always respond positively. She hates her hair? You respond, "I'm sorry you don't think so but you look beautiful this way!" She hates the food? You respond, "Really, I think it's delish!" She hates the staff? You respond, "Do you think so? I always think they're so nice!""--believe me, I have tried all the above almost verbatim. Her answer to me and to my daughter when I have left the room, "you always have to say something positive and you always take someone else's side". With her, there is no winning and she is always a step ahead. She always, and I mean always has a come back and she will tell me that I have answer for everything. Taking her out hasn't worked either, she won't get dressed. I have offered to take her for ice cream--"well, they have ice-cream here, why would I want to go out for ice-cream?"--in her sarcastic voice. I have offered to bring her to my home for a visit--her response--"well, you will just have to bring me back, so no, I will just stay here"...ALWAYS has an answer and my ideas are not good enough, so I just stopped them. I do agree with her a lot and tell her I am sorry for the situation and I wish I could change it, but I cannot. I will say this, in 46 years, I have done everything possible for my mom. In the past 3 years I have cared for her, prayed for her, and moved her 3 times trying to satisfy her. I will have no regrets later, because I know in my heart of heart that I did everything just right--the best of my ability. When I am on here, I definitely let it all out, but to her--except on one or two occasions I make everything seem just peachy and wonderful!--then I come home and scream it all out!! Thanks for the advice and the black hole of negativity sucks me in, but I don't let it keep me all day. :-)

Of course it's normal! Do you think this is how she envisioned her "golden" years? You'd be cranky, too!

My sincere advise, not that it's easy to take, is to always respond positively. She hates her hair? You respond, "I'm sorry you don't think so but you look beautiful this way!" She hates the food? You respond, "Really, I think it's delish!" She hates the staff? You respond, "Do you think so? I always think they're so nice!"

Let her know you understand this is not how she thought things would be and that you're so sorry that thing aren't always the way we envisioned them but that you feel so much better knowing she's safe and well cared for. Let her know how much you love her and wish that all her expectations had been possible. But don't let her pull you into her negativity.

Change the subject, take her out now and again, bring her treats you know she likes, be positive - and have a good scream in the shower now and then! It's hard to deal with but she won't always be with you and when she's gone you'll truly be able to smile when you say in a most loving way, "She was a pain in the neck sometimes but I miss her."

I am glad you have calmed down looloo. It is so stressful taking care of business. What makes it even harder is it is not our business we are taking care of. My business has been on the back burner for 3 years now. Linda: I would not move!! It is never a good idea to move and give up your home. I even wish I hadn't moved my mom closer. I wish she were still an hour a way. At least I could feel like I have some distance. I drive by her AL everyday and sometimes two or three times a day. I feel guilty not stopping, but it wouldn't be pleasant so I just take a deep breath as I pass and tell myself she is safe, warm, fed, and looked after.

I called her earlier to tell her of her appointment on Monday for the ultra sound. She seemed fine with it but she is worried about getting her clothes on. Not sure if I have mentioned but my mom has been in her pajamas for over a year now. She refuses to get her clothes on. She attends their church service in her pjs, she sits out on the patio with the ladies in her pjs and any other activity that she participates in--in her pajamas. Ha! She does change her pjs and washes off, but hasn't been in the shower but once since March. I first worried about it, but that is trivial. As long as she cleans up, I don't care. Even the nurse and doctor stated how much better my mom looks. Well, she minds them better than she minds me. Ha! But the back side to this is she always asks me where she can get some new clothes.--So and so brings their mother clothes, on and on. She won't even freaking put them on!!! :-0

I did what I said today--I painted, did laundry, ran errands, paid bills and cleared my mind a bit. Since I called my mom this morning, I will not talk to her until I go on Sunday. Yay me. I am going to complete more on my list tomorrow. When I can complete my list of things that will help put my household back to some normalcy, I am going to celebrate. It may take me a few months, but I am diligently working toward my goals.

I did the above things on my list today without complaining or disputing. :-)
Now, Sunday, I will probably complain, but I won't dispute.--just to give a heads up. Happy Friday night!!

And the beat goes on....my mom's roommate passed away yesterday. She was a sweet, lovely woman who was very quiet and passive as a roommate. They've had one case of norovirus and are trying to contain any spread so Mom is in her room, "quarantined". So Mom's stuck in her room (she never stays in her room) and worrying about who her next roommate will be. I can't go see her, as the last thing I need to do is either bring this bug to my husband or FIL, or catch it myself. The thing with all of us being worn to a nub is we're so vulnerable to flus and bugs. Oy, after a few days of worrying about the next roommate while in solitary, there's going to be trouble in River City. Steeling myself for her full court press to move out of there...

Sigh...I really need to improve detaching from my mother's neighbor better. I thought I WAS doing better, but I got sucked right back in this morning. Feeling better now though -- my husband talked me down, bless him. When she calls or even emails me, she's practically hysterical with panic and worry, I'm not exaggerating. It's just awful for me to deal with. I MUST stop reflexively reacting to her -- maybe come up with a mantra or something the minute I see her email, or as soon as the phone says it's her.
After a full week of nothing from her, this morning I got 2 phone calls and 2 different emails. As usual, she was talking a mile a minute, leaving out details that would have been helpful...just FREAKING OUT. After trying to get my own adrenaline to go down, I try to calm HER down enough to get some facts. Turns out that my mother found her other golf cart key and was going to try to drive it (no license anymore, she can't drive). I'm 99% sure that the electric golf cart isn't plugged in, AND the batteries are dead, so I'm not really worried that anything would happen--plus, I'm at that point now where if something DID happen, I would probably be able to tell myself that I've done everything I could.
Anyway, this neighbor actually ended up being able to take the key away (see? she's actually helpful in many ways). My mother can't possibly have more than 2 keys to the golf cart, and now the neighbor has both of them. So, there is no REASON to panic. Why can't she just email me and INFORM me of what happened, so at least I know. Instead she has an absolute TIZZY FIT, and I spend my time AT WORK no less, having to calm HER down, then THANK her, then process all the b.s. going on in my stressed out head and body.
The other phone call was about my mother misplacing her prescriptions. I reassured her that I had shipped new refills last week, and yesterday. The emails were about how she believes the gardeners still haven't come, after 4 weeks. I was down there myself on Tuesday, and frankly, things look fine. I had asked her last week when she brought it up if she'd be able to get me a phone number or two of other gardners -- but she never responded with any info. When I was there Tuesday, I drove around and took down a few numbers of gardeners I saw, and will follow up this week.
Anyway, I guess the good part of this is that it gave me more info to put into my letter to her neurologist, whom she'll see next week.

Amen, Jeweltone! I am so looking forward to the weekend because we have this one to ourselves! We have so much to do with the property and our home, laundry, and I might even slip a little nap in - gosh that would be AWESOME! I hope all of you have a lovely day!!

CountryMouse: I love it..."let her hate you as long as she fears you"...I have feared that woman for soon to be 47 years. When she said to me: I guess I have to do what you say, I wish I could have said: "Well, I have done what you have said for 46 years, it's your turn"...Hahaha! That would be great! Multi: You said it---THE SKY IS FALLING! That is exactly how she acts every time something happens. It is always catastrophic. Even if it is 30 min later when they come for breakfast. I would hate to see how she really handled a catastrophe.

Linda: When I lived at home my mom had me to the doctor many times for being so thin and sick all the time. Any time something went around, I caught it...I was always sick to my stomach, headaches, etc. As I got older, I got better and after I got married. Viola I was better, I gained weight, I didn't sick anymore...I didn't really know the difference honestly until a few years ago it hit me. I was so anxious living at home with her that it physically made me ill. I wake many times still with that ill feeling, but as the day goes on I am able to shake it. But yes, looking back, her behaviors made me ill. Emjo: I know what you mean about not having the ability to have that compassion or empathy for others. They are missing the link and I do believe that is real. My mom was a middle child we sometimes "blame" that, but mental illness carries with it so much, who knows what the real culprit is. Most of it also comes from most of us, including their parents, have always enabled these behaviors.

The nurse called back about the place that came up on my mom's neck. They are wanting an ultrasound of it and labs drawn. I am dreading that, just getting her ready and encouraging her to get out to go will take an army. They will let me know today when that appointment is. I know most people look forward to Friday and the weekend, but I have never hated the weekends to come so bad until now. Philippians tells us to do things without complaining and disputing, but I will tell you, that is so hard to practice especially when the one you are doing these things for complains and disputes. I will pray for less complaining even if it is on my part. :-)

Multi: Your mom's behaviors are also out of your hands. If she washes windows, then let her wash windows. Tell her you bet they look good... HA! The laugh is on her. I wish I could take my own advice, even though I do take all of yours at different times.

I have a life to live, laundry to do, painting that needs to be done and the list goes on. I MUST put her misery--that I am NOT responsible for, out of mind and get busy with my own life. She had her chance at life and now I am wasting my chance thinking how to do hers better. How wrong is that? It is wrong I will tell you! Boy, I think I just had an epiphany. I just saw in front of me what I just said out loud. I am losing what I could be doing because I am trying to redo her life for her. Not today I am not!!! Today I will do what I want and what I need to do for my self and my household.---tomorrow may be a different story I tell, but TODAY is a good day to have a good day! Hope you join me!!!

Jewel, I seriously think my mom is living a double life as yours. Today I called her the first thing out of her mouth was,

"Oh, I'm just sitting here thinking of all the things I have to do. Yesterday really wore me out sanding the window frames and I'm in so much pain. You see, it's an ordeal - I have to take all my equipment out and then I had to wash each window afterwards - let's see how many are there - 16 sections, yes 16 - it's a BIG deal." (Oh, I'm sorry, by now I only hear the adult-speak that was displayed in all the Charlie Brown TV specials...)

Yikes! Ok, Miss Sunshine and kitten farts! She wanted me to know just how bad it was because we didn't run down there to paint a window frame. The sky is falling! I'm more concerned about her health, so I suggested she talk to her doctor about better pain management. But, no, that's just crazy talk according to her.

She would jump up and down if I told her I would give up my husband and home to come live with her. (Maybe in secret, but she'd do it.) I've really detached myself from her martyrdom. I hope she doesn't hurt herself but she won't listen to me. Frustrating. Have a great day all!

Jewel, my mom is much like yours and it just doesn't stop. Back in the day, when their life wasn't just "ideal", they made sure someone made it ideal. And now, they insist there are unexplored options out there we need to employ to make their lives ideal once again. I'm now going to try refusing to even discuss why she needs care, or any of the ground we've been going over and over. I've done every self protective thing I can think of, save just walking away. She's succeeded in making my sister and I physically ill, constantly nauseous and exhausted with her viciousness, her barrage. I have a husband to care for and to spoil. I just need to get better at working in my garden or knitting, and shaking it all off.

((((((jewel)))). It all sounds so familiar. Mother's solution was to move and move and move - hoping for greener pastures. She pressured me and pressured me, and I am sure it will keep happening. For me, detaching is the way to break free and also less and less contact. She is unhappy. Too bad. There is a phrase "Suck it up, princess", that passes through my mind, though I have never said it to her. Mother would have had me leave my family too and get an apartment next to hers and look after her. Then she wanted me to move into her ALF to look after her. Actually years ago one of her cousins wanted me to leave my family and look after her and her declining husband. It is so outrageous! They can't see the needs of others. I really think that they can not - empathy is not wired into them. My first husband was like that. A counsellor had us do some tests and then called me I alone and told me that my (then) husband was lacking in the ability to see how his actions affected others. He said it would not change. Eventually we parted. I suspect having the mother that I do figured in me choosing him as a husband. Thankfully, I know better now.