Is it normal she's so negative?

Woohoo, go Louloo! Someone has to stop that dance of delusion, abuse, and fear.
Doing something different is very, very hard and unpleasant. I am also facing my old issues with Mom, all of the above. I try different things. Some days I am so disgusted and angry I wish she were dead already and I also don't care if I ever see her again. Other days, when she is not so mean, I feel my love for her and hope she can enjoy whatever days she has left, but heck, I am still having to always fight for the right to own my own life. Many times I try to imagine her gone and what it will be like to be free of this person. Then I vow to make the day mine, no matter what. I am not going to wait for her passing so that I can live my life. I am there if needed, doing my best to enjoy every day, and licking my wounds when needed. It's difficult to feel so damaged every single day by someone. UGH. But finding part of your day: that YOU claim and do for yourself is very important in us detaching enough to be more mentally healthy ourselves.

P.S. I just checked to see if the shoes I ordered for my mother had been delivered yet. Yep -- delivered 3 days ago, on Saturday. So glad to have the internet, since a 'thank you' or any kind of acknowledgement from her will never happen.

Yeah, it is really sad, Jewel -- that their view of things is their reality, and they will die with that attitude.
Someone on my FB posted that their mother passed away, and so many lovely comments were offered about this woman. With MY mother, maybe a few people will offer condolences for my 'loss', but I don't expect to hear any stories about how wonderful, kind, generous, funny, or lovely she was.

Looloo: Great Job! I wish my mom didn't live so close, I would also find a way to have no contact. Knowing she is taken care of should even be more reason to have the courage, but it is still that guilt. I am so over the "closure" thing too, I do know I have done everything I am supposed to do. There will be no guilt for that once she is gone. I definitley have done my daughter duties.

The sad part is she will die one day thinking I didn't do enough. If they think it, to them it is real.

The more I deal with this, and the more I read about others' situations, the more I realize that the ONLY solution is to reduce contact. It's the only thing that's saving my sanity as well as allowing me to actually be effective in her care. I haven't spoken to my mother in over a month now (since I took her car away), and am doing my best to maintain no contact as long as I can. It is taking a lot of planning, scheduling, and downright scheming to do this, but it's worth it. Fyi, she hasn't contacted me at all either, which is perfectly in character for her. She has never contacted me unless she thinks I can provide something she wants. So, it's not just me taking this confident stand -- it's me being downright afraid to deal with her, and truly hoping I never have to again. Last week, there was plenty of other stuff I had to jump in and handle, and it took hours and hours on the phone and online, plus driving here and there, plus phone calls and emails to/from her neighbor and care person. Plus, my husband inadvertently gave me a panic attack when he insisted that I needed to go down there for something (I firmly believe that I do NOT need to, and am willing to accept the consequences if I'm wrong--I'll cross that bridge when I come to it).
I don't need any final conversation or any kind of 'closure'. I didn't necessarily plan or expect the removal of her car to result in no contact, but I'm not suprised one bit. I'm perfectly ok, and rather grateful for it.
I hope to get that book I ordered on outgrowing co-dependency this week. It's time, I think, to do a little more 'internal work' as the pros say, hee hee. I feel like the adult in me has been stunted way too long by the relationship with my mother. Understanding that she's narcissistic has been a huge eye-opener, but now I need take some steps to stop acting--and reacting--like the codependent I was raised to be, but am NOT anymore.

CountryMouse you just gave me chills. I hydrated my mother. I feel I brought her back to life from last summer she was in hospice and given a short time to live. I did everything possible to keep her happy and did everything the doctors told me to do. Do not take this wrong, but sometimes I wish I had just agreed to let her go. You are so right, I couldn't do it to her, therefore I would be doing wrong in my eyes. I do think sometimes I will do it her way and let her go to a little house like she calls it, and she will go back down hill and she would become "dehydrated" again. This is a perfect analogy of the situation I have came from, she from being dehydrated (almost dying) to rehydrated using all her energy to make my life miserable and living in her own misery. You are also so right, she DOES LOVE being miserable. It is so obvious. When I try to be positive and let her know everything is ok, even all the things I have done to "fix it", I believe she gets more mad at the situation. She really doesn't want it fixed because she likes feeling like the victim. As long as she is the victim it is someone elses fault. I get it!!! Thank you for sharing. How well you read exactly what I was thinking.
....and yes, we are the normal ones!!!

Jewel, your post, your mother's endless tirade, brought powerfully to my mind a snippet from an old book called 'The House of God' - a scene where the experienced intern is telling the baby new doctors about a dementia patient and says "she'll be dehydrated. Do not rehydrate her. If you hydrate her, she stays demented but she becomes incredibly abusive…"

The trouble is, that now you've done the right thing and got your mother into a safe place where she is taken great care of, she has all the health and energy she could need for complaining. And while it might be tempting to look at her thoughtfully from time to time and think to yourself "maybe we should try it your way..." you know you couldn't do it to her. She wouldn't be happier, even, let alone better off: she'd just be too weak and ill and endangered to give voice to what ails her. Look on this as her chief pastime. The crabbier and more unreasonable she is, the better the day she's having. Oh joy.

Speaking your mind here is safe, and does her no harm, and does us all good because oh my goodness it so helps to know that our cared-for one is not the only ungrateful, discontented, unreasonable, passive-aggressive, plain aggressive, draggy, slanderous, emotionally blackmailing deadweight in the world. HURRAH! We're NORMAL!!!

Have a great day. And DON'T call her unless you feel like it! Hugs x

Good Morning, I know it is odd I am on so early, but on my way to work the things my mom said to me on Sunday are ringing in my ear. The only way to get them out of my head is to write them down. Her words take up way too much space and I am trying to weed them out. As you know she told me it is our (the children's) fault that our parents are in the shape they are--her meaning that I put her in this place and she didn't have a choice. I know better so that doesn't erk me as bad. She proceeded to tell me she has already given me everything and I didn't appreciate it and that everything she owned was at my house.--First and foremost, all of her belongings are stuffed in two storage buildings and she only gave me some china and a small table. Actually she was going to sell these. My dad gave her the china that he bought her in Germany when I was a small child (so you know she was getting rid of it) and the table she was selling too. She also told me I only come once a week for two hours and she never talks to me during the week, horse pucky. I call her at least once during the week and then on Saturday and Sunday before I go. Count it, three (3) times. Sometimes, if she is lucky, I call one other time. She really makes me not want to call her at all or go see her at all. It is NEVER enoughl. Why do I feel guilty for this? I know in my heart and soul I am doing what I think is best for my mom. When she stayed at home she wouldn't eat or barely get out of bed. Now she is eating--which is making memory better, she is participating in activities at the AL and getting out of bed during the week. She may think this is the worse thing that could happen to her, but it truly could be worse. I do understand her mental status doesn't allow her to see things any different, but good golly, I don't know how much more I can take. It is wearing me down and taking time away from what other responsiblities I have. They have tried so many different anitdepresents and they do NOT work. The hospice doctor last summer told me that he didn't know that anything would work being her brain cannot manage the medicine like a "normal" brain could. She is still on pallative care, but the doctor is a different one than the hospice doctor and she doesn't have the understanding the hospice doctor had. Grant it, he is well into his late 70's early 80 no kidding. He is so knowledgeable and compassionate. The pallative care doctor has started back over with --have you tried this, have you tried that...YES, people.

I know it sounds I am aggrevated this morning, but actually I am not. I am just writing to free some space and take away the things she keeps saying to me over and over. I really want to take her checkbook and everything else I take care of to her and say "I am DONE". Just realizing I have a good 20 years or more ahead of me with her, makes me sad. Surely before then I will be able to find a way to do less and less. She has enough to keep her in the AL another 15 years, then I don't know what I will do from there. Nursing home is the only option after that. She will then be 83 years old. It is sad also to see everything they have worked for and saved go down the drain. I try really hard not to think of it, because that money is NOT enough no way, no how, for me to keep her at my house. That could pay my monthly bills and she would have money left over. She would have enough to last her for 30 years. Let me tell you, if it were about the money--as she thinks it is, I wouldn't be on here, I would be living it up on vacation, buying a new car and remodling my house. There now, how would she like that? HA! No, I wouldn't either--I would be doing what I am doing now, I would be asking how high she needed me to jump. Actually, if I were that type of person, I could do it anyway because I have full access. It hurts knowing they think we cheat them. My sanity and my family's peace means much more to me. We live like poor church mice compared to my mom and that is perfectly fine with me. Who could stand it just for the money. I do know people who do it, but I am not that type of person. I want to know my mom is taken care of in the best way.--Nice place to live, good meals, clean and it is fancy for that matter. It is like a high end hotel with concerige service. I can't give her that. Now, I feel better. :-)

Thanks again for reading!

Ayyyy. Kazaa, the only issue I could take exception to in your post is the word "almost!" If she could reason and wasn't so blindingly angry at what's happening, she might possibly realize that punishing,manipulating, and threatening is never going to get her what she might actually want, namely to be loved and cared for. It's a vicious downhill cycle, no?

And yes, I confess...physicians OFTEN forget that the easy problems have been solved already. Oh, sure, once in a while someone is not doing the obvious thing that needs to be done...will never forget the parents who patiently explained why their mentally normal teenager with spina bifida could never be left at home alone (could not get out in an emergency) and why they were fighting over clothes Mom picked out in the mornings (can't reach them) and thank God, another PARENT looked them right in the face and said, build a RAMP and get a REACHER. But these things are a lot hairier than all that - people have rights to be nasty and to refuse to cooperate, its hard to get most people evaluated for depression, let alone effectively treated, especially from that Greatest Generation - and setting limits with your own parent is damnably difficult at best, at least from an emotional standpoint.

Just saw the other post... I am with you, if my mom were passive, nice, and appreciative, I would definitely be free. I wish so much she were that way, but she is NOT. She is mean, hateful, unappreciative, entitled, blaming, etc. Things that are so hard to deal with while you are trying to do the right thing for them.

Oh gosh, I am glad you got away, but so sorry you came home to chaos. I know the feeling. YES, please get her name on a list. You need time to yourself. The chaos is still there, but not at your home everyday. I catch three kinds of you know what when I visit, but I am realizing I can put my big girl panties on and take it for one day. I do not think I could do it everyday. Like I have stated many times, I almost did it. I almost moved her in with me and I thank my lucky stars everyday it didn't work out. She reminds me of it, but that's ok.

Doctors think they have all the answers. Just do this, well, try that. NO!!! IT DOES NOT WORK! The doctor told me not to let my mom tell me no. HAHAHAha, that is funniest thing ever. It sounds so easy. If something happens to them, the doctors will be the ones pointing fingers because they told us what to do. I have learned like I did with my own children, do what we think is best for them and for us.

I feel some freedom from the daily stress of thinking it's my fault and thinking there must be something I can do to fix it. She thinks this so it must be true, right? No, it isn't true and I am starting to believe myself and all of you and not her. Hallelujah...

Be true to yourself, peeps!

Fligirl my mum is only 77 and yes she can still sweep and make tea for herself so i let her do it! i cant have her doing dishes as she dosnt clean them properly! youre so lucky your mum isnt nasty and negative if mum was just passive and gentle and let me do things for her i wouldnt even be on this site. She fights about everything so i just swtich off now and let her at it she will get worse im even expecting violence one day but hopefully it never comes to that? we just never know? ive had a few wks of calm with mum but now shes getting mean again and very abusive! last year she used to lock my cat in the bedroom when i wasnt here to hurt me so id never go out and yes she did this on purpose she knows how to push your buttons to get her way no matter who she hurts? she was like this with my dad and he left so its not just the illness its her personality was always warped a bit shes gotten worse with age and more angry!

Honestly I dont really know if she is doing this on purpose. Mom is not mean at all or vindictive, She is always nice to me. The thing is that I think that she is trying to be so normal again to other people so she offers to clean up dinner when someone is here and she never cleans up when it it just the two of us. She does however offer sometimes but not much anymore. I wonder if I just started doing to much for her and now she is just used to it. It seems like more trouble to let her try to do things because then I cannot find where she put something away. All I know is that every morning when I wake up I cannot wait until it is time to go to sleep and end the day. What a way to live.

Yes Fligirl its almost as if she does it on purpose to PUNISH you for leaving her alone for a few hours! Cakes are Black and ive spent the afternoon getting paint off a very expensive tiled floor?? while i was scrubbing away i thought.......what kind of a life is this really? On and paint is not easy to get off tiled floors brother said he would try and get something stronger? I could send a 2yr old to her bedroom for this nonsense but you cant send mum? when i asked her what she was doing painting when shes alone here LATE at night she said "well dont leave me alone then". Oh you manipulative *)(*)*CH!! Yeh shes doing it to keep me in so i wont go out again? Brother spent the last few wks cutting wood and a friend is coming in to collect it mum wants the wood kept here for a fire in winter we havnt had a fire here since she BURNT chairs in the fireplace I kid you not! Then she said ill have a fire here if i want to its my house? seeing her doc this wk and trying to see her shrink as someone needs to talk to her OR its a NH. This is going to end in disaster if she continues like this? She was always a manipulator now shes just become an expert in manipulation thinks ill be here forever no matter what she does shes in for a shock! I dont care what she does but when shes doing scary dangerous things maybe on purpose?? time to talk NHs!

Oh and agree with you on the doctors.

For some reason Kazza, I think if I tell my mom to NOT do something, she somehow remembers THAT and does it anyway. But if I say nothing she does not do it. So if I have to leave her alone for any reason, I am not going to say a thing.

Gosh jeweltone what a nightmare! yes youd gladly get into this "protection programme"!!! I can see my mum doing this to me when the time comes last night another HUGE row i was going to a friends for dinner texted brother to come she went MAD!!! and i mean MAD bulging eyes the lot! Brother came at 11pm and she told him to leave so he left? great now hes starting to see things "thankgod" anyway came home this morning to chaos kitchen upside down she was cooking cakes and painting doors paint everywhere??
I cant take much more I will be putting her name down for a home soon as the waiting could be 6mths maybe more? If she dosnt go im leaving i asked her one thing "do not touch the cooker when youre alone" thats just not going in so for her own safety now the nurse needs to back me up on this. They push you too far and the stress is too much for one person to handle. So glad finally my brother is starting to notice her "madness". Yes he needs to be exposed alot more to her BUT we still have the same problem she cant be alone she will burn the house down so my brother will have to stay whether she likes it or not he just cant handle her when she gets mad and just leaves i cant blame him as he worries she may have a heartattack when she gets this angry! I told him if she does she does she brings it on herself i will see her doctor this week but i know ill get the usual crap that he thinks shes still fairly competent????????? Docs are great arnt they? such a huge support NOT!

Hi everyone, just popping on to say hi. The witness protection program for caregivers is brilliant, lol!
I just ordered a book having to do with "outgrowing" codependency. The title sounded very much on target for me, so will let ya know how it is.
Have a peaceful and happy rest of the weekend :)

Let's do it!! After my visit I am more than ready. I am NOT stressing over it, but today was pure h***. She said in so many words that the children are at fault when their parents end up like this. I almost fell out of my chair. I couldn't believe she just said it, and she told me I would find out one of these days. I told her I probably would, but it won't be my children's fault. She is getting more and more blunt as we go. She does not care what she says. I told her it wasn't my fault she ended up this way and children are not to blame. She asked, "Well, who is to blame then?" I told her the adult--yes I said adult..haha, I meant the parent, I am still the child and think of her as the adult. Oh gosh, when will I be the adult? ha! She truly believes I am to blame for all this. The reason she sold her home, the reason she moved three times in a year, the reason she went in the hospital the reason she went to rehabilitation, the reason she is in AL, I am the reason and not for the season. In her eyes, she will never understand what has happened. That's fine, but don't blame me. What started the conversation was she told me of a woman that just moved in from another state and her children live in our town. She wanted to know why the children didn't move her in with them. I told her they probably didn't have room--that would be me, she said no, you know they have room. Then I suggested maybe she didn't want to live with them, of course they want to live with them. Then I said, "It's not always up to the children where their parents go"..well I stirred up a hornets nest...buzzzzzzzz, After two hours, and the bee stings, I left. I will NOT let that nonsense ruin my night nor my day off tomorrow. Also when she started all her silliness she asked me she were mean and I told her sometimes, and then she said, well, then, why do you come? Well, I wanted to answer--I asked myself that all the time, but I was the big girl and said because I care. I will repent tonight...HAHA I always get caught in her questionnaire traps.

I would love some botox to clear up these furrows that grow deeper and deeper between my eyebrows. I know the stress has plowed two corn rows and I need to smooth them out. Actually I have lost weight from the running and stress but my mind feels fat. Love all the ideas, I always say I am going to the beach when I find a way.

You can have trouble all around you. Stress. Frustration. Worry. But you don’t have to allow what’s on the outside get on the inside. Scripture calls it “the peace that passes all understanding.”---Joel Osteen

CPS will now have a whole new meaning. It is surely great emotional escape. Wouldn't it be nice for all of us to enter the program and be relocated to an Oceanside resort? With wine, chocolate, and no worries...

Can I get a little lipo in that caregiver underground relocation thing? The past two years have made me fat.

"caregiver protection services" new name identity and new hair do? and why not a bit of botox as we have aged so much since being a caregiver!!

I just hit a key and "how to plan your funeral" came up!! Eh not quite now please! wow did i get a shock! hope its not an omen!!

yes amen jeweltone have a good day today! Im sitting here and next door are having a party!!!!!!!!! party noises now would go and join them but too tired gosh i used to be a party animal??

We could go in to the witness protection program--move away, change our names, just get a whole new identity. Sounds good, huh?

My week has come to an end and tomorrow is Sunday. The day I go punish myself. Hopefully it won't be too bad and I can start another week doing what makes me happy.--not listening to her, worrying about her, and all the above.

Rome wasn't built in a day--from what I hear, so I know it takes time to change ones behavior, even if it is mine. Working toward this goal is something I strive for everyday. Be myself, who I want to be, not who she thinks I should be. That is a goal that seems so unreachable sometimes, but I think with some hard work, it can be accomplished.

I raise my glass to the hoops we have jumped through thus far and mountains we have climbed. Push forward with me and let's get rid of useless nonsense fogging our minds and cheating us of our right to happiness.

I now realise why mums been so nasty lately?? my stupid sister rang here on sunday night when i wasnt here ( she has the emotional intelligence of an ape) ive told her so many times to keep your conversations with mum LITE n BREEZY! Ive warned her not to tell mum anything bad or negative as i get the brunt of it? SO........ my aunty my mums SIL is dying of cancer so no wonder mum was in foul mood and taking it out on me? my sister can be so thick! Of course mums now got this on her mind my dad only died 8mths ago and now this? its obviously going to open another can of worms and bring up so many emotions and bad memories for mum shes already wrecking my head now with stories about my aunt from the past it just never ends!
I want to put a duvet over my head and just wake me up when they are all gone!!! My head is about to explode with all this crap constantly being dragged up from the past and now more stress for us another funeral with our dysfunctional family lets just say my "aunt" was the "GODMOTHER" of this family oh a force to be reckoned with!! She would give the "Don Corleone" a run for his money!! and now shes dying leaving chaos behind her!! yep i reckon its going to be a good funeral and maybe a little "closure" for us!
I want to "divorce both these families" is that possible? maybe run away change my name?? But hey they are both dying off now bring on our new generation as we all seem to get on well and have all learnt by our "dysfunctional parents mistakes".
Im so drained and tired of family crap wish i was a tree!!

So sad CM about your mum so when she broke her collar bone is that when she started to decline or were there signs before that? She sounds like a very interesting lady i would love to go to India and see them Tigers? good for her! at least she had a sense of adventure so i admire her for that!

Ha! CM i used to live on the "wirral" the locals used to call me "paddywoolyback". yes the welsh are a very suspicious lot it takes time to get to know them! Lovely countryside though! the plan was to live there and get us a lovely tudor style house but i had divorce in mind then! The wirral is the last place i lived with hubby! Have you been to Ireland? im sure youd love it especially the west very "wild and savage"!

Kazzaa we're on the Welsh border, three ex-patriate Londoners trying to blend in with the locals. Been here five years now, I can't believe how fast it's gone. Or how much has changed. When we got here mother was still able to drive back to town and doing the Telegraph crossword every morning. The rot set in, now I look back, when she went to India to see the tigers and slipped in a shower the day after they got to the wildlife lodge and broke her collar bone. That was - where are we? - four years ago. Pretty traumatic. She actually seemed to recover quite well from that, but now I think about it I reckon that must have been when the dominoes started to topple unstoppably.

Poor old mother. You can tell she's really past it now because she's stopped complaining about being 'stuck in the country.' She hates the countryside. You'd have thought she might have mentioned that before she agreed to move here with us, eh?

Another good night. It is my son's 16th birthday today and we spent it with 17 of our close friends and family. We had such a great time. At first, I felt guilty for not mentioning it to my mom. Then I said wait, she wouldn't even go out for ice cream with just me, no way she was going to go out the that many people, so I didn't feel guilty anymore. We laughed, ate, had ice cream cake and took the party outside the restaurant. Ha! He then has friends over for the night and loving every minute of it. No contact tomorrow and well, Sunday will come soon enough. I am enjoying this week and hope to carrying it on through next week, the next and the next. Lord I pray for the courage to keep moving forward. I have added all of you to my prayers to get us through.

Kazzaa: Yes, it is so funny how they think everyone else is so well taken care of and they got the shaft. My mom does the same thing. When my grandmother was living, my aunt brought her to see my mom when she got really bad. My grandmother had just gone to live with my aunt. My mom went on and on about how good my grandmother looked--and that she did. She said my sister is taking good care of mom, isn't she. When I agreed, I didn't realize at the moment she was not really saying she was proud of her sister, she was criticizing me... :-(
Have a great weekend and I will chime in soon.

Yes CM I do love midsomer murders yes so funny as i was settling down to switch off from caregiving HA! Mum is funny she said "they all look so clean with thier hair nicely done" yes mum and if you go into a NH youll be nice and clean with your hair done". No! i didnt say it but YES i was thinking it! Oh dear life is funny! Sorry Cm cant remember the name of the actress but mum said she was stunning looking in her day! yes mum and i love watching midsomer i used to live in beaconsfield where most of the midsomer was shot! Such lovely old english villages i just love those houses I WANT ONE!! Yeh Pinewood studios up the road! I used to see "rodger moore" in waitrose!!! wow he still looks good! Yeh beaconsfield was full of stars so close to london so i never knew who id bump into was exciting stuff! the bee gees lived across the road AND brangilina were spotted shopping in waitrose a few times having rented the bee gees mansion as we do!!!!! CM where do you live id no idea you were in UK?