Is it normal she's so negative?

Kazzaa is that an old episode of Midsomer Murders? I'm trying to remember the name of the actress - she was such a trouper!

Good day indeed. It went as planned. Up early tomorrow for another estate sale and I am hoping she doesn't call me with more impossible requests.

kazzaa: Too funny. She knows she isn't going and no she will not be happy anywhere but under your care. You must be doing a great job. I will say, I thought I could do it, but now I realize I couldn't.

Sounds like a great day, Jeweltone.

Slightly off topic but funny..........am here watching a tv murder drama with mum its in an Old folks home and the doc and staff are getting the elders to change thier wills and killing them off one by one! anyway its a very POSH nh and mum said "gosh shoot me if i ever have to go into one of them". I woudnt mind but it was a beautiful old english country NH the kinda place id be happy in?? Thought if i could afford a place like that mum would love it so guess thats that lucky i dont have that kinda money then! Just when you think youre switching off from caregiving its on the TV!!! LOL

Good Thursday... I came in to work this morning with a mission and that was to do everything in my power to go most of the day without thinking of my mom and her issues. I DID IT!!...until now, of course..ha! I came in at 8:30 and cleaned around the room, put things in storage, cleaned the students tables, computers, cleaned out drawers, etc. I worked on the room until 12:30 then took a lunch break. I went and had lunch with my husband and laughed with him and enjoyed the sunshine and good company.

I have decided that when I call her tonight after work, I will just tell her I will see her Sunday and let that be it. No time for useless conversation. No time for woe is me, poor me, look what you've done to me nonsense. Listen who has some gumption today...yes, me! Now, the rest of you get that same gumption and break free even if it is for a day or just a few minutes. It is so freeing. Just what I have been praying for. Now, don't get excited, it may not last, but I have grabbed the bull by the horns TODAY and riding it out. No negativity will get me down TODAY--keyword.

Lots of love sent out to each of you and grab that Bull--ride 'em cowboy (cowgirls)

I can't tell you enough how much I love reading the posts. Sometimes I just laugh out loud, which is so great! I feel the very same way about my mom thinking I am something other than human. She has used me for many different things-- a pawn when they divorced, a maid--I must have the house spotless when she came home and dinner cooked when I was old enough, I mowed the yard after my dad left, and I was the emotional go to for her.She looked at me to make her happy as she still does. So much more but I can't find the words.

I enjoy Mondays, Tuesdays and some Wednesdays. I know tomorrow I must call her or I will hear about it. I try to keep the peace even though there isn't much peace. I wish so much I didn't care what she thought. I want to be free of caring what will she say, what she will do, and how she will react.
Next weekend my family and I are going to spend a weekend away and I dread telling her. She will make me feel so guilty for going. I have to tell her being I usually go see her and do her hair, etc. There is the wimp coming out, njny...haha

My favorite saying in the whole wide world is as follows:

God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, The courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.

I have accepted I cannot change her, but it doesn't make it easier. Maybe I will try that wine, tattoo on the eye lids, and what ever else that works.

You are preaching to the choir when talking about your mom. I've experience the same negativity with my mom. I do think part is their personality and some is fuel by the dementia. What ever the case it can be a real downer. At the end of the day, I find relaxing music, a good book and fine wine helps.

Heidi73 & everybody else - tattoo on the back of your eyelids that you will NEVER please a narcissist. It is impossible in all ways. It's a fool's errand. Don't be that fool.

My mother will stand around, in front of me, and tell anyone with an ear that she has had to do "everything" her entire life all by herself, that she has NOBODY, and has always been alone. It's 100% cow manure.

She had 29 years with my father, who was a saint. She has had me for 43 years. Both of us worked our butts off to please her. She never had to worry for food, lodging, or clothes. Dad treated her like a princess. Neighbors and friends would always come to her rescue until she smothered them to death. But, let's not get distracted by the facts and all remember it was her versus the world, and she has battled and fought the entire way. Spare a moment and lay a flower at her monument please.

The more help she ever got, the more she demanded. If you didn't jump, she became displeased and would punish you one way or another. She is the living breathing incarnation of the Red Queen from Alice in Wonderland. She has a temper with a hair trigger. She can get hopping mad in no time flat.

In order to survive one of these people, you MUST put up tall fences. Literally and figuratively. You cannot be emotionally or physicall available to them on demand. Unplug the phone. Delete their emails. Realize this is a transactional relationship, and they are only in it for what benefits them. Sometimes I wondered if mom even recognized me as another human being.

You can lay down your life for these people and they will walk right over your corpse, complaining that you never did a durn thing for them in your entire wasted life, and look, there you are now in the way, lying the road in front of them.

I feel for you, Jeweltone. I get that with my mom. She says she has always had to do everything alone and no one ever helped her.
In the mean time I've typed letters for her (English isn't her first language), helped her with work projects, drove her around, used vacation time to visit her or take her places, lent her money, bought her things with my own money, gave her money, and so on.
And you know what, she doesn't seem to remember any of that because it's always "I had to do EVERYTHING on my own." Well, now she's her own self-fulfilling prophecy, except I'll take her shopping for necessities until I can confirm she has someone taking her.
If I'm going to be a jerk in her eyes, I figure I'll be a happy jerk in my heart and mind at least.
Keep some distance and shout it to the wall, to her picture, in here, wherever, that you want her to leave you alone! We all deserve some peace, especially if we're always giving and never getting any decency in return!

Jeweltone -- that is true for me too, re-our own things we need to be responsible for like bills and housework. I haven't let it get too bad, because I'll have worse anxiety if I do, but if I have something for my mother to do, and something of my own that needs doing, then I'll do my mother's first. I actually congratulated myself for going to my dentist appt. and my annual checkup this month, lol! It's not like me to slack on that stuff, but it just didn't have the priority in my head (the SPACE in my head!) that my mother's business always does.
And so true about being 'less wimpy'! :)
After 5 consecutive days of pure, blissful peace this weekend (the planets must have aligned perfectly!), yesterday I spent several hours doing things for her, and once again, making sure she didn't do further damage. Yesterday's saga involved her insurance policies. Her neighbor emailed me back and forth several times, letting me know that my mother was talking about "NEEDING" to go to her local Auto Club office to discuss her insurance policies (she has all her insurance policies w/them). I take care of all of that, and it's all up to date, no changes need to be made, and she does NOT need to purchase anything else -- no new policies, no investments, and certainly no trips!
I spent my lunch hour at MY local auto club, informing/warning them about her, and giving them a copy of the POA. Now I need to call my mother's local office and cover my bases there as well.
Several weeks ago, her neighbor called me and let me know that she was worried (she's always very worried about...well, everything) that my mother might need new shoes. I wasn't sure what to do about that. It's probably true, she does need new shoes. Anyway, yesterday, I was cleaning out her email inbox and saw an email for Zappos. Ding ding, light bulb! I was able to get her password on Zappos reset, and then I could see her previous purchases. So, I went ahead and got her 3 new pairs of shoes -- one identical to what she has, and 2 that are very similar, by the same makers. Black, brown, and grey. They'll ship to her this week.
I added a note that it was from my husband and me, but will need to track the shipment and maybe check with the neighbor that she received them. My mother, you see, will not acknowledge gifts that I send to her. I've always had to call her and confirm that she's received them. THEN, she'll say that she did, and maybe I'll get a 'thank you.' But she's never picked up the phone to thank me. Charming lady.

Jeweltone--I love your sharing that you are still wimpy but have less wimp! I am aiming for less wimp! Sometimes you just nail the exact feelings and occurrences with such accuracy it astounds me! I really do need to gather more outside help--I have someone who comes and cleans twice a month, but I need more. So far, I am paying for it and she doesn't think she needs it, so I will have to weigh my options.

Linda--I have always felt my mother's love was conditional. I think that says it all. You know, I love my children heart and soul no matter what (and there has been plenty of "what!), but I love them and thank goodness, they know it. Unconditional and forever. My mother has always told me to wait and see, that I would be like her as I age, but guess what? I haven't! Maybe in some little ways, but not the biggies that matter. I remember when my daughter was three years old, listening to my end of a phone conversation with my mother, saying to me, "Your mommy is mean to you." Wow.

So, friends, another day, another gearing up. Setting boundaries, starting over with the hard mental work, but not completely starting over. I gain a little more each day. I mis-step every now and again and go backwards, but I am also moving forward. Much of it is thanks to you and the others that write in this forum. Onward, caregivers--let's take care of ourselves in this confusing maze of decisions, guilt, and frustration.

Dear Jeweltone--thanks for sharing about your finances--I hope you can take a few minutes and tend to it. Don't let her damage you because you don't have the energy to take care of business. You are making a ton of progress. I can tell by your writing! Keep protecting yourself.

Thank you, everyone, for contributing to this forum. I am going to try and do something nice for myself today!

njny: I agree about the doggie. I know it means a lot to your mom as we love our dog too and I am sure he/she keeps her company. Expecting you to go over everyday before work and let the dog out is asking way too much. Even though I do understand where she is coming from, it is too much on you before work. Is there a neighbor or someone that could go at 7 or so and maybe another time during the day to walk the dog? Check in to that and see. Call a vet to see if there is someone they can recommend. Being an only child is so difficult. I know some that have siblings and the siblings do nothing, but when one will do everything the other sibling doesn't have to take responsibility. Believe me, if I had a sibling, I would really start slacking. When it is just you, please find someone to start helping out. Even though I am a piece of crap daughter--(in her eyes) I am so glad I finally got the courage to go through with moving my mom to AL. She reminds me every time I talk to her how terrible it is, but for me, it is the only relief I have. When I hired help, I heard how terrible that was too, but it really helped me out especially after school started. We have given our childhood and now a big part of our adult life and it is time we take it back.

The silent demands of our moms is like slowly drinking poison. It is internally /emotionally shutting us down. My mom, too, was very grateful on Sunday, she even thanked me for doing her hair..but in the same sentence she said, "I guess I will owe you big, won't I?" The thank you was enough and then she had to add the guilt to the top like a big fat cherry. She even laughed and talked to one of the residents that came outside when he saw us out there. Then the next day I hear she is putting me down for being that terrible daughter.--the same daughter that moved in with her while abandoning her family. The same daughter that saves her $20 a week for doing her hair..she would have to pay someone do it every week. The same daughter that says how high when she says jump. I am learning to be less wimpy, njny, haha. You will too. I am still wimpy, but with less wimp. I think that is another reason my mom looks down on me so much because I don't do everything she ask anymore. I still do a lot, but I have learned to say not today or maybe tomorrow. With your mom still being at home, I see your need to want to check on her each day even two or three times a day. I did the same thing and then she moved in AL and I was able to start calling once or twice a week and going to see her once and sometimes twice a week.

Sunday when I went to visit, she asked what I had done today. I went to tell her laundry, cooked breakfast, etc. While trying to talk to her she said I should have done that yesterday (saturday, I didn't go see her) I ignored it and went on talking, she said, what did you do yesterday?, I ignored it and kept talking (changing the subject as we have discussed), she angrily said, "I said, what did you do yesterday?' you didn't come here, so what did you do? I said, "I rested, mom, I rested". She didn't know what to say. Ha!! When I wanted to say, why does it matter? I didn't want to come and that is that. She thinks I should come every minute I have free.

I agree Linda, conditional love is what my mom displays toward me. She only loves me and appreciates me under her conditions. When it is convenient for her and as long as it is all going her way.

I always dread the middle of the week because I know I need to call her. I keep reading different things about getting away from negative behavior, that is all fine, but when the negative behavior comes from your mother, it is more difficult. If it were a friend, aunt, sister (which I don't have) it may be easier, but mom, why does it have to be the mom? the person I am now responsible for.

This has affected my life in so many ways on so many levels. It has changed the way I view life, it has taken up all the space in my mind, my house and my finances are suffering. I am not really paying anything for her (every now and then if I am out and get her something) but my mind is so overwhelmed that I don't tackle much anymore, including the bills and financial responsibilities I once would have never neglected. I haven't ever shared that before, but I need to address it and recognize how bad it is getting. I used to open my mail immediately and organize everything in order of each week to pay. Now, there it all lays on the table on the counter needing attention. I don't know why, but I just don't want to think about it anymore. I get her mail too, and take care of her stuff and I am tired of it all. I am just so overwhelmed that I just don't bother with any of it. There, I said it. I put it out there, my dirty laundry.,,,and I have that too, haha.

Good night friends, I think I will try to relax a bit before bed. Tomorrow is a new day. It may be a day one of us will receive our life back. Hang in there and believe this isn't all for nothing.

njny, since there no telling when Fido needs to go out, you have two options: Mom agrees to a doggie door and you can go by to get him food and water. Or Mom takes him outside herself. But it's not reasonable to make you feel guilty because you didn't know what Fido's schedule was that day.

What you write sounds like conditional love, where one is loving and all when you are doing/behaving as they wish. When you aren't, they change the behavior.

Think about what you'd like to do when you retire - volunteer, do consulting part time, travel. Start putting together your plan for your next chapter. Explore some new groups while you're working so you can transition. It'll be easier for you to be able to balance your needs and Mom's needs/demands if you already have a few things in place.

Sounds good to me!

Been hiding out for last 3 days mums moods swings are getting worse ive learnt to stay away when this happens? brother is staying at night we are day and shes starting calm slightld? thankgod for my nanny training and experience with tantrum toddlers!! I am seeing her doc tomorrow to see if its time for some anti anixety drugs OR something for me?? shes diabetic but her bloods are fine so this aint no low blood sugar rantings this is alot of anger coming out with her so best to let her rant AGREE then run to your neighbours for a glass of wine! I think i have this sussed by day 3 shes now happy im here? a little bit of appreciation starts to kick in and my brother is an introvert so shes not getting much chit chat with him! reverse psychology here! I used to get so hurt by the abuse but can see the "madness" now im NEVER here? i never clean up? she has to make her own dinner?? thats a good one she hasnt cooked in 4yrs? oh and what an awful daughter i am she has to make her own breakfast?? its the one thing i let her do as so far she can do that, tea and toast! I thought this anger was temporary? but its getting worse i will see what doc says her daycare can start 3 days a wk next week a bus will pick her up outside the house? NO! shes not getting on that "blunder bus for OLD people". Daycare wash thier hair,do nails,bath them if they want activities and lunch but no she wont hear of it? I will go my self WHY isnt there a daycare for US!! i would love someone to wash my hair every week do my nails for FREE?
I hope i win the lotto and start a daycare for caregivers coffee cakes and beauty treatments foot massages!! Droooooooool

njny1952 - thanks for sharing. You are not a wimp! My mom can be really nice, kind and grateful at times. I know she loves me and is proud of who I've become. But, I get that sick feeling when she begins her talk about other people who took care of their mother, because "that's what you do!", and "Oh, those nursing homes are horrible, I don't see how anyone can put a parent there." My brother and father both know she is like this. Some people are just like this, always hinting and searching for validation that you care, and some want to know that you care for them more than the other parent, in cases of divorce. I'm very different from my mom. I learned long ago to be a survivor, having gone through a divorce at 27. I said to myself I was going to have a great life and I sure have! Shame on me for wanting to see my mom have the same outlook - she is very different than me. Our moms clearly have expectations that we cannot meet, whether it's a result of generational or personality differences. I just got off the phone with mine because I wanted to know how her doctor appointment went. She sounded much more chipper, and I just want her to feel safe and happy. The camaraderie of this forum is just uplifting for me. I thought I was the only "good daughter" who deep down inside is yelling, "No, Mom, you can't live with us." Hang in there and keep writing.

Dear Friends-- I feel like I am still so ridiculously naive--I keep thinking that things will really be better with my mother. After all, she is often so nice, appreciative, etc. But then comes the ... WHAM! I love reading your posts about setting boundaries and taking care of ourselves. Your writings are so helpful, but on days like this, I feel like I am almost starting over, but not quite! I have made some progress--at least a little.

Okay--I know you will think I am a wimp (I probably am), but I always try to help. My 87 year old mother has a little dog that she lives for. Mom's legs have been hurting her a lot lately, so she asked if I could stop by her house on my way to work in the morning and let out the dog, and give her food and water because her legs are the worst in the morning. I did this last year as often as I could. I would say that about half the time the dog would get up too early, and my mother would call and tell me she had to take care of it, and not to bother to come. I always felt a little guilty when I didn't get there in time, but she won't consider other options like a doggie door. So, she just asked me yesterday if I would start this up again now that I am going back to work and I said I would, but that I might not get there early enough. She asked if I could get there by 7:30, and I said I could. Sure enough, at 7:15 the phone rings, and she told me she got up and took care of it. I asked her how her legs were and she told me how painful they were. I should have not even asked. I then went over to check on things (I really ask for it, don't I?) and she was pretty miserable. In pain, and then she throws the zinger. "You were able to do this last year, but not this year, I guess." Just yesterday she told me how grateful she is because she would have to go live in "a place" if I didn't do all I do for her. (I am over there often two or three times a day.) I shared her comment with a friend who firmly stated that she was using her kind words as guilt and control. Was she? Or does she really care? It still matters, but I think I just have to let that go. I am just too sensitive. Only child, always trying to meet her emotional needs from since I was little. I have so much in my life to be grateful for, but this puts a gray covering on all of it.

Some days she truly seems to love me; others it is clearly contingent upon my behaving like a perfect puppy. I feel that sickness in my stomach, but at least I know that I am doing a ton for her--every day, although losing much of myself along the way. I am fighting it all, though, in my own private way. It is just so emotionally painful and slow going. Why do I need her approval? I truly have gotten better but I want this feeling to be GONE! Some of you are so brave--please know how much I value your sharing. This site is one of the things that keeps me going. So does work, but in a year I will retire and then what? Thanks for listening!

Oops, posted too soon--also, a year ago, I was trying to figure out how to convince my mother to move closer to my husband and me. I found an AL place that is very highly thought of, with a very long waiting list, and began inquiring about it. When we finally tried to have an honest discussion ( impossible with a narcissist), she refused to ever leave, and in her usual style, implied that I wasn't good enough to move closer to (giving several examples of others who HAD moved closer to their 'very successful/talented' children.)
You know what? Fine. I've gotten the message loud and clear for 47 years. Guess what? I like my life better without her belittling me and criticizing me. She will get what she needs the rest of her life, she just won't have me as her personal target for insults and accusations anymore.

All, thank you for your comments. I have never been part of an online forum before, and this is very helpful. I thought my mom was the only martyr, the only victim. :) She says she has been tough, but I don't see it. Sure, she kept up the house and property for 25 years after dad left, but she tells me she's so sad, and that she doesn't have any choices because of what he did to her. Most people would eventually seek help from clergy or a counselor, but not her. It would be an embarrassment to her family to "air her dirty laundry". So, she will just keep telling me how sad she is and that he left her no choice. I tell her she always has choices. No one wants to see their parent sad. I have taken the high road in continuing to check on her daily, but after reading other comments I know that I will just need to draw the line with her. Again. It's happened before, and we didn't talk for 2 months. But, I am tired of her trying to drag me into the past. I want to move forward, and that's what she needs to do to. I know it's not my responsibility to make her happy - she always says when referring to others, "she has her children near her", or "I need to be near my children". Well, why didn't she do this years ago? Um, there's a reason your children don't enjoy visiting you, because eventually it turns into "...because of what your dad did to me." Here is a really good example: my only other sibling, my brother, is a bit older than me and lives in NJ. A few years ago he came to see us, then went on down to my mother's. He took his daughter, then 12, with him. While he was at my mom's for two days, she talked him into planting all kinds of shrubs and really didn't spend quality time with her granddaughter. And, they had not seen each other for a long time. (You know why. My brother avoids coming home because of Mom's attitude.) To this day he will say, "I can't believe Mom had me planting shrubs after we hadn't seen each other in years." By the way, she also doesn't like how my husband communicates with her because he is very direct and practical. (One of the many things I love about him.) She wants someone to coddle her. He just tells her the reality of the situation, so now she says that she "gets nervous" when she's around him. Sigh. So glad there are others that know what I am experiencing. Many, many thanks again, all. I look forward to participating and hopefully helping others as well.

Hi Jeweltone, yes, I'm about a 3 hour drive from my mother (without traffic, one way). I've been flashing back to a year ago--getting frantic phone calls from her neighbor about: my mother misplacing her (ancient and never used) cell phone, her not understanding the process for turning in her old cable box for the new provider's, the broken lock on her cedar chest, the bank transaction that took 4 months to resolve (it was a European bank that my father had an account at), the sleezy solar panel sales guy who tried to rope my mother into buying/financing for her house..... So many times I had to drop everything, leave work, and get over there to HANDLE.
It probably isn't realistic to think that there will never be contact, but I don't have it in me anymore to fake a relationship of any kind. I'll just be one of the growing number of people who are assisting her now--I don't want the label of 'daughter' or 'family' anymore.

Multipass: I believe you just rewrote my life. My mom could have been the clone of your mom. She too still dwells on her divorce from my dad which was about 25 or so years ago. My dad couldn't take it anymore either. She wanted him to leave, I heard it on a daily basis and now it is his fault he left her. My mom has NEVER taken responsibility for anything.--Such as actions, it is always someone else's fault. She was/is too perfect for anything to be her fault. Just like not going to pick out things she wanted from my grandmother's, now she is saying no one took her and no one offered to take her- that is BS. We offered and offered and the answer was no, and now it is our fault she didn't get much. once again not taking responsibility for saying no and not wanting to go. This is just one example, there are many more.

This site is very helpful and I feel better as well sharing my story. If it helps someone else, then I have accomplished something. My mom thinks I am just incompetent and don't know how to do anything. She is the perfect one. If I can give you any piece of advice and you take it, that would be NOT to move your mom closer to you. I repeat, DO NOT move your mom closer to you. Hire someone from her hometown to help out or at some point be looking for an alternative like assisted living in her town. I made the mistake of moving her closer thinking it would make it easier than me traveling an hour every week. Be careful what you wish for. It is much harder with her knowing you are close by. You will NOT get any relief. I see my mom every week and talk to her two times a week and it is still not enough for her. She acts like I am a terrible daughter. My mom, too, insinuates to me that I am not doing a good job by using other's as an example. (i.e. that man's grandson put him in here, because they don't know what to do with old people, they stick them in a place like this) When I ask her if she were pointing fingers, she said: If the shoe fits...

As you have read, my mom told someone this very week what kind of daughter puts her mother in a place like this and leaves her. How soon she has forgotten that I abandoned my family last summer and moved in with her. So, that daughter decided with the support of others, to try and get part of my life back. My mom is much like yours, she only cares as long as it is convenient for her. She doesn't care that it might be a burden on my family..she just says it, I know I am a burden or I know your so busy you don't have time for me. Pushing me farther and farther in the ground. She has told me several times that she would have never put her mom in a place like that. Well, my mom didn't have kids at home and she was retired when she would stay with my grandmother two times a week and she had a sister to help out as well. I work two jobs, my husband works two jobs, my daughter is college and my son in high school. She does not care. It doesn't matter to them they just EXPECT us to do it. My mom truly thinks I owe her something. All we owe our parents is respect. That is all I hope from my own children, that they just respect us. Our support goes to our children free of charge. I would NEVER expect anything more from my own kids. My mom's dementia is not the reason for all this, she was like this many years ago. It is hard to distinguish the difference many times.

Keep reading and writing and we will all get through this. Just like learning curve stated, "good, faithful servant"....

Wow, looloo. I know that is not easy. I think you live a bit farther away also, correct? That in itself does make it easier. When my mom lived an hour from me, it was easier to not contact her so much. After moving her closer, BIG mistake, it is so difficult knowing I am just down the road and I mean within a 20 min walking distance and 5 min in the car. I wish I hadn't moved her closer, but I didn't know what else to do. I want to stop talking to her so bad. Her memory has become some better since she has been in AL. Having more of a schedule has helped, so I am out of luck when it comes to her forgetting if I called and she is starting to write things on her calendar. smh... I wish you the best at your new adventure. I hope it brings you the peace you are looking for. As time goes on, it will become even easier for you.

Jeweltone, I hope things are going better for you and you most likely have given others support by sharing your situation here. Me, for example. My dad divorced my mother 25 years ago because he just couldn't take it any more. They really grew apart. He remarried and they are still together, and my mother reminds me of it constantly. I see my mother going down the same path as your mom, although right now she is still living in her house and panicking over every little thing. Funny thing is, she's been this way for 25 years, but getting worse. She will use the guilt trip on me any way she can. ("Your father left me and put my care in your hands - I'm so sorry this burden is on you." or, the ever popular, "I took care of my parents myself - that's the way it should be.") Well, her parents lived 1 mile from our house, so Mom could drive there whenever she wanted. She lives 2 hours from me and while it's impossible for us to move to her town, it's going to be even more impossible to move her out of a town she's lived in all her life. She complains that I "read into things" when she makes very pointed complaints toward me. I try to call her each day to check up on her, because I know no one else does. But I am so tired of her negativity!! It even backfires when I tell her "let's try to be positive and think about what we can do to make things better" - because she wants to dwell on her divorce that occurred 25 years ago. "If only things were that easy", she tells me. Oh, and my mom, like yours, displays this pristine self to everyone else. (One of her favorite lines, "I didn't do anything.") And, she complains about her neighbors constantly. One put up a storage barn on their property, which is pretty common, and she was just beside herself for months, having to look at it. So, Jeweltone, I totally understand where you are coming from. This is the first time I've ever been on a forum like this, and quite honestly, I just want to know that I'm not alone, and that other kids are running into this with their parents. I love my parents, but this is really putting a strain on me because I just don't know how else to approach her anymore. Seriously, if I lay the law down with her and tell her that I won't come down anymore or won't call her anymore until she stops the negativity and berating me about my dad, she'll just angrily hang up after saying, "after all I've done for you!". Sad, really. I do love her but she makes it nearly impossible to help her.

It's been a wild 16 year ride but now she is weaker and can do less damage. I have kept her comfortable and as healthy as possible during my stint as servant. She has wanted for little during this time other than maybe my head on a platter. She can no longer walk so dancing on my grave is not an option.
We do what we do before God and will answer to Him alone in the end. Other than my occasional outbursts regarding this injustice I believe he will say: "Well done, good and faithful servant."
I believe He will say that of all of us here.

Hello everyone, I've been reading all your posts this week and relating to every one of them. I haven't written much the past week because as of last Friday, it has been 3 weeks and counting of no contact w/my mother. I still manage all her affairs, communicate w/her neighbor and the home care agency, doctors, etc.
I've had a bit of a shift, personally. My attitude has gone from wishing for a day when I would have no further contact, to making it a reality now. And being calm, organized, and FINE with it.
I don't need any more incidents to hurt me or infuriate me in order to validate this decision (which has been coming for a lifetime). I guess I'm lucky in a way, because my mother has always been so disinterested in me (or anyone who doesn't give her Narcissistic Supply) that I know she doesn't "miss" me one bit. And of course, w/dementia, she doesn't realize the days passing like they do. I am positive that I'm not leaving any kind of emotional hole in her life.
Anyway, my earlier down-in-the-dumps moment last week about not always getting the feedback you hope for from people, kind of freed me a bit too, after some thought. There IS a lot of support and understanding out there, no question. But this is also very much something ALL our own, and it's good to be able to hear our OWN voice above the clatter of all the other noisy opinions and attitudes out there, whether it's our parent, a neighbor, a friend, or whoever.
I have been talking this whole thing through with a therapist, and will see her again later this week. It'll be one entire month of no contact by then. It's a very good thing. I hope it lasts.

I thought I was going to get on here and have a hallelujah moment and that it be it. I did have a good visit with mom today. Not much complaining, only a few daggers came my way, and she thanked me for doing her hair--a first. Then, I found out that she is telling people that she don't see me, I don't do anything for her and that I just dumped her there at the AL. She stated to this person, "what kind of daughter does that to her mom?" What kind of daughter takes over everything and leaves her mom...This is not much of a surprise since my mom makes comments to me in a round about way on the same type of topics. She truly believes in her mind that I am a worthless piece of crap and I am stealing her money, abandoning her, and leaving her for dead. What in the world? Even though I know she feels this way, it does hurt when you hear it out loud. I bend over backwards, go out of my way to make her happy--mission impossible. I cannot control how she feels, I am responsible for my own happiness and not hers, and I am ready for that peace to fall from the sky. She honestly thinks I owe her something for having me, for feeding me, making sure I had clothes and a roof over my head. By the way, FYI, that is what a parent is supposed to do. My children owe me nothing for I chose them and wouldn't want it any other way. Can you say NARCISSISTIC behavior. I cannot believe how mentally ill my mom must truly be. It is time I find a way to get away from such behavior and manipulation. If she believes I never come--this is not a memory problem for her...if she believes I do nothing for her and take her money, then maybe I should stop coming and take her money and go on an extravagant vacation. I am still at the peaceful level I was this week, just a bit derailed at the moment.

I feel some better that I am able to write my thoughts before I go to bed. Here is where I want to say: GO AWAY, MOM!!! LEAVE ME ALONE!!

Sadness then Freedom.... Yes, exactly how I feel. I, too, think about what life would be like. I still have several years to go, but I still sit and think how free I would be from all the emotions. I realize different emotions will ring in, but then freedom will ring. I have tried really hard this week to pull back more and do the things I need to do and not worry about what is going on with her. I have my own life to worry about and my house shows how my mind feels. I know some may think a clean, straight house isn't everything, but when I have been used to a well put together home that means a clear mind for me. When we are unorganized--(at my house is the we I am speaking of) we seem to be less productive. We moved our daughter back to college this week and I spent my time focusing on her and NOT my mom. Hurray! It felt really good to do for my family without the worries of what "she" is thinking or what "she" needs. I saw her Monday, she called me Tuesday and I didn't call her until today. It has felt so liberating. I hope I can keep this up. When I told her I would be up tomorrow, she became very quiet, and I just said, "are you there?". She said, "ok then, bye". I feel so much better this week. The dread is there, but not as debilitating as usual.

Emjo- I agree with you about needing to change the lies we all lived with. That is exactly what it was. I have only realized lately that my life was one big lie with her. She made everything always seem so great. Maybe in her eyes it was. Maybe because everyone was doing what she wanted. We did everything she ever asked and if it seemed impossible, we did it anyway. I am tired now. Worn out with keeping it up. Now I realize I don't have to. I always wondered why mom could go on and on when she started a rage, you answered that: she got her energy from the rage. It is all making sense now.

Kazzaa-- I try also to change the subject, but we always seem to end back up to her misery, woe is me, what about me, and all the negativity about what I am NOT doing. I hope one day they will see what we do for them and what we have done in the past. If not, that isn't any loss for me, because I do what I think is right for me and I don't need anything from her.

Judda--I am trying to think the same way--a lady that needs my help. The emotional attachment still makes that very hard to do. Since I have so many years ahead of me with her, I hope with each month, each year, I can lessen the attachment more and more.



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Juddah! I know how you feel and i used to ask myself this about mum? Whether good or bad with her dementia things came out about her past that although shocking finally made sense to us her whole life of unhappiness and negativity and yes her slight "madness" yes looking back she was always a bit mad the woman im looking after now is the same woman ive known all my life its just her personality has become worse yes more negative,more unhappy. I too feel like you sadness,guilt? i see mum is just recalling all the bad shit in her life its like its tormenting her i try to change the subject and ask about happier times her mum her school it works for awhile but the bad memories are the dominant ones that just keep returning and then i realise i cannot fix this and yes i try to be as compassionate as i can be and yes its hard!
I know there is some new therapy i saw on a programme that can erase trauma and bad memories???? gosh bring it on? i dont know its new but alot of people have tried it? Yes if i could erase mums bad memories and there only be good ones this wouldnt be as hard? I hope when she progresses that maybe she will forget her past and be a happier person but who knows?
Sounds a bit too good to be true though this new therapy to be able to erase all the bad shit in your life? Mmmm?

One more thought: even harder to imagine: what is this part of their life for them? I think I can find compassion for Mom's hidden guilt, and lack of comprehension of her own life. I know I don't really KNOW. How can I really judge her? Do I want to?
I pray for compassion and understanding.

Jewel tone: you said it for me: that whole list of checks. These days I alternate with pity for Mom, apathy, sadness. Less and less anger as I realize she has been mentally ill her whole life. Lately I have been able to be a giver, because I SEE her for an old woman, whom I used to love, (and still do to some extent apart from my tangled pile of feelings and bad memories and good memories). When she cuts me off, confuses boundaries, is in denial, gets mad, frustrated: I know this is her in old age. It's easier to forgive. I try to remember the times when she WAS there for me. Yes, on and off for almost 5 decades. We lived many miles apart and had a good relationship that way. There was a time when she was my best friend.
It's strange how I thought I was over the horrible childhood stuff and now I must face it, relive it, in order to let it go. Little by little I let it go.

I think that she won't be here soon. What will that feel like for me? Sadness, then a celebration for my new freedom! There will be many times I will miss her. I already miss the person I was close to. These times are like a dress rehearsal.

It's so comforting to know I am not alone in this kind of journey. It is helpful to see each other in our different stages of healing. I have full faith that we all will discover our own compassion for ourselves and our sick family members, and that we will forgive ourselves and them. We will accept them. We will accept ourselves fully with peace and joy. It's already happening now in such small steps we can barely see it maybe.

I pray that my mother will find some peace and joy at some point...and if I don't see it happening for her, it's really not my fault, my responsibility, or even in a way, none of my business. I pray for my own reunion with the Divine Mother/God in my heart and that I am whole enough to make those around me smile with joy. It's a ways off but I am doing it bit by bit of awareness.
PS: meditation and prayer help so much too.
Hurray for us all!