Is it normal she's so negative?

Hi, people have been telling me how to protect my parents for at least 5 years. Both are alive and need help (pushing 90). Knowing what to do and doing it if your parents will not co-oporate are two differnet things. Dad is now blocking Mom's care. Well long story. Guess they become negitive when they start to lose it. They get nasty. I am lost.

Your Mom may be suffering from depression. We forget that changes in the neural system associated with dementia include changes in the neurotransmitters that help us feel good (or at least OK). You may want to ask her physician if she has been evaluated for depression and if there is a medication to help.

That's good advice, Jeweltone, re-moving funds when there's still time, even if you don't feel comfortable. For maybe the last 6 months or so, I've been moving some of my mother's bank $ to an investment account, to prevent her from withdrawing too much at one time for no good reason, or heaven forbid, if someone got access to her accounts, it would be bad. I've been conservative about transferring the funds, so as not to upset her, but she did something else last week at the bank that alarmed me, and so I quickly moved more over to the investment fund.

My mom did a good job putting back. Her home was paid for and she had a retirement also. Now, the money is going, going, going. I can't believe how FAST it has gone. Last summer is when we had to start using it for care. 24 hours a day at $10-$12 an hour for 5 months, well, you know. It was a hunka chunka change! Now she is in AL and I could live off of what is going out. I know that after about 5-8 years we will be facing what to do next. It is really sad in my state that Medicaid will NOT pay for AL. They will ONLY pay for nursing home. It would save so much more if they would pay for AL, but they will not and my mom will be forced to move AGAIN. More anxiety that is not necessary for her. I can't even make my mind go there right now. We are struggling with her changing addresses again now, She will probably be good and settled when we will have to up root her one more time. Then I will get to hear how once again, that I don't want her at my home. I am with you about mo money= mo problems, because I had to realize that the money wasn't worth it for her to live in my home and make us miserable with her. I could have very well built or bought a home after we sold hers to accommodate her and all of us totally 5 people. Her own room and bathroom in another corner of the house. I realized it would NOT be worth the anguish everyday. Once or twice a week is more than enough. I have friends and family tell me I need to start getting the money in other accounts (of course still using it to care for her) then in time Medicaid can kick in and she could still have a little bit left for things she may need that Medicaid won't pay for. This is where I feel guilty again, the money is hers and I am having a hard time putting my name on it. I am wishing now, I did it when we first got her diagnosis 3 years ago. 3 years would have passed and only two more to go. I did NOT do it though. like my friend and aunt told me, if I don't do something now, I will be sitting here in 5 years saying the same thing. It is sad that they work, put back and the state won't help until they are destitute.

Maybe we should start a new thread, something along the lines of "good news, bad news"? My head is a little clearer now, but I was very befuddled this morning.
Getting packed, finishing up work, gassing up the car, for the trip to take away my mother's car. Husband is going down with me, and he'll drive her car back home (to our house, 3 hours away).
After talking to my mother's neighbor earlier this week, she told me that she had driven my mother to the DMV, and it was a 3 hour process. She told ME, that they told HER, that they couldn't revoke my mother's license then and there because my mother had scheduled a hearing, which was scheduled for today. I spent the week wondering if she'd actually attend the hearing.
Today, I spoke to the neighbor again, and she told me that she was able to cancel the hearing while they were at the DMV!! AND, that my mother's license IS NOW revoked permanently. I think, as she was telling me all the drama, she simply didn't stay on track and give me the resolution of the story. But I will try to see if the DMV will confirm this with me on the phone. I think that this neighbor is probably telling me these details now, 3 days later, because she's calmer. She tends to get very wound up, and I spend a lot of energy trying to calm her down, and not get distracted. Important details tend to get left out of conversations.
So, if this is true, then this IS good news.
The only 'bad news': my mother is either becoming more confused, OR she's really beginning to lie to me. Big, boldfaced lies. I spoke to her very briefly this morning, just to let her know I'd be 'stopping by' tomorrow, and asked her how her week was (wondering what she'd tell me, of course). She said that her car was giving her trouble (Really???), so she took it in for service (Did you now??), and it seems ok now (Well, that's GOOD!).
Here I go again -- trying not to be pulled into the story, trying not to spend too much time sleuthing for proof that she actually did take it in for service (she didn't -- no checks written, no credit cards used), and trying to tell myself that it makes no difference whether she's lying deliberately or believing her stories, or whatever. It makes no difference.

We'll our problem is hoping the money lasts until she needs the next step which is moving into the memory care unit that is part of the AL place she is in now. Once she moves in there it will be debt free to us as the state will kick in. If the money runs out before she is eligible to go there then we may have a problem. I guess it's not worth worrying about at this point.

Correction: MedicAID coordinator. My fingers just go off on their own a lot of the time. It would be so much simpler if it was just all one plan from cradle to grave that adjusted across your lifetime based on need. Having all these different plans makes for so much administrative overhead and confusion. I just don't see the point.

So about money. It just is going to run out. It just will. The inheritance idea is a myth these days for most people who aren't insanely wealthy. Just start to accept that every penny there is will go to pay for care. There is literally no way around it other than to win the lottery.

An awful lot of today's seniors in care wouldn't plan ahead, didn't plan ahead, and are 100% certain to outlive their funds. Somehow, "somebody else" is supposed to pick up the tab. What choice is there? This is actually a huge problem for communities because there aren't as many people in the population groups now paying taxes to support the medical assistance need. The burden has fallen to us younger ones, and there's fewer coming behind us who are yet to become tax payers. Every first world country is dealing with this problem.

Once you get through enough of the 12 stages of grief about the money, you can work on getting the paperwork together for medical assistance/Medicaid. This must be done well in advance of the day of need. In the US, application processing can take weeks or months. I'm lucky that mom's nursing home has a Medicare coordinator on staff to help me out with all this. And they can go "medicaid pending" for some period of time between end of funds and approval of medicaid.

Yes, it would be nice to have something to show for all the effort at the end, but my attitude is that mo money = mo problems. I remember going through estate probate when dad died in 86. It was a paperwork hurricane, so many fees to this clerk and that clerk, so much time spent doing the estate probate forms. He had a will and everything was in order ahead of time, but it will still a giant pain in the haunches.

I'm kind of relieved to know that once we spend all the money this year on her care that I won't ever have to worry about settling an estate or going to probate or any of that jazz. My reward will be freedom and the ability to stop doing her taxes, her bills, jousting the paperwork monster involved with being old in the US. I might not be able to put that in the bank or pay for a cruise with it, but getting my time and attention back will be priceless.

I don't know if this helps anybody or not.

Jeweltone we are worried about the money running out too to pay for the AL. They charge so much it is incredible! We think she has enough $ to live there for two years. By then if she is ready to go over to the memory care section then she can get Mainecare to pay for it. We don't know what is going to happen and that is what is scary. I guess we just need to keep the faith that things will work out in the end.

You all are doing well!!! Pat yourselves on the back and treat yourselves to something. You deserve it.

Looloo: yes, it is going to be hard, I am not sure your plan, but maybe you could act like you are taking her car for an oil change, car wash, etc. Then take more than expected time to bring it back--not really take it back. You could then always have an excuse why you haven't brought it back, maybe just maybe the car broke down and it is in the shop. I wish you much luck. The webs we weave. I will tell you that I worried over and over about lying to my mom about things to keep her "happy", safe, and less anxious. The doctor told me something that made me feel somewhat better about it, he said, "At this point the truth doesn't matter". YOu know what, it doesn't. He let me know that with the disease, you can't always be honest because they wouldn't be able to handle the truth. Hang in there.

That's exactly what I did with my mom when I finally got her to make the decision to go to AL. I started agreeing with her about things that were wrong at the house. Then I would tell her it wasn't safe anymore. Of course, now though, she reminds me that I made her move. Ha! No, she chose. You are right, it absolutely consumes my mind sometimes to the point I don't get anything done. I also worry about the money situation with my mom. Watching it go quickly, isn't easy. I am glad she had it to take care of herself. We sold her home this past November, yay. That was one less thing to worry about. I had to pack up her home. It took days and moved it all to TWO storage buildings. I worry about what to do with the "stuff". She keeps telling me to sell it, but I think it is too soon being she may want something for her apartment. But that is another expense she is paying for. It would have been better if she didn't have money or too much of anything and that would be another less worry. Being in control of the money is one other thing that gives me panic attacks. I get so anxious being responsible. She will also many times ask questions about it. She thinks I am spending it. If I were, lady, would you have a place to live? That is what I want to say.

Speaking of the hair thing...I made an appointment for the lady at the AL salon to do her hair tomorrow. When I called to tell her, she got quiet and then said, "oh lord, will you come?" I told her I would if they would call me when she is ready to do her hair. If I can go tomorrow (Friday), I will NOT have to go over the weekend. YES!!! I can stay home one weekend. Cheers to me...

Loo loo when my mother had to stop driving my brother took her keys away. At first she was okay with it but then got really depressed because she couldn't go anywhere. We felt really bad doing this but it was for her own safety and others on the road. We compromised and told her she could take her drivers test again to let someone else make the decision for us so we didn't look like the bad guys thinking that she would never pass. Well, she passed the driving test and we were speechless. We still didn't think she should drive so when she went to the psychiatrist when she was being diagnosed with dementia he agreed that she shouldn't drive and told her that too. It was the hardest thing I have ever had to do. It was so sad but we did it to keep her safe. It did ease our conscious having the doctor make the decision instead of blaming us kids.

This morning, in my facebook feed, I read an excerpt that clicked for me. It had to do with finding 'happiness at work', and talked about how we don't have a crystal ball to see how all the pieces of what we do will ultimately turn out. But we do our best, with the best intentions, and this is a creative process. Reading the word 'creative' kind of gave me a boost, because this is so incredibly stressful, yet feels like complete drudgery most of the time.
Sandwich, your moment, when you saw what kind of approach might work, was a creative moment. And it worked! I had my own creative moment yesterday in the car, rehearsing and strategizing about how to handle my upcoming "take away the car" day on Saturday. I'm thinking it could work more smoothly than my original plan, but there's no guarantee of course. Anyway, that sudden flash where I knew I came up with a better idea, with better odds of being successful, made me happy, and I actually did stop feeling 'sneaky' and so annoyed at the lengths I have to go to in order to keep her and other safe. I felt kind of 'creative' instead :).
Sorry if this is rambly! It's early yet.

I wish I could stop obsessing over it myself. This is probably the hardest thing for me. There are times, like at work, or doing home/family things where it isn't in the front of my mind. I'm better than I used to be, since she went into the nursing home side of the facility. I don't have the same high level of anticipatory anxiety over losing a whole weekend to running her errands and being on call for get/do/bring without end. But now the anxiety is over money and watching it go away. I worry about the hassle of medicaid and what should be done with her house/land in NC.

Jeweltone, I hope only the best for you as you go into the battle. You might have to find your inner Machiavelli.

I had the best luck getting my foot in the door with my mom when she'd call me late at night, scared of the phantoms at her window. She was sundowning and having hallucinations of men looking in the window, walking around on her property with red glowing eyes, smoking at the window, driving around the house in trucks. None of that was really happening. My uncle would come over from next door, and there was nobody there, no tire tracks, no cigarette butts, nothing.

I jumped on it, and asked her if she'd like to be somewhere safe, where the men couldn't get to her. She said yes. I started taking notes on all the things she was unhappy about, and used those examples of why to make a change. If trying to get traction by attracting her to a new place wasn't going to work (the carrot), then I switched to the stick and had much better luck. I got lucky by stumbling on that approach!

30 years? 15 years? Wow do I have something to work on here. I better get my butt in gear and drink many margaritas..:-) I want to get this under control before it takes control of me. Something one of my friends said to me about a month ago that made sense and now it is coming back to me after I read your comments. She said "you better do something now, or you will be sitting here in 3 years, 5 years, or maybe even 10 years saying the same things." She and you are so right. I do not want to go through this many more years. I will be there with her in her misery if I let it control me. I appreciate the support and the examples of HOW to deal!

I tried calling her a bit ago (havent talked to her since Sunday)--today is Wedensday. She did not answer. Praise the Lord. I was glad and guess what? I will NOT call her back tonight. before, I would have called back until I got her. Not anymore. Before, I knew she could have fell, or something be wrong. Now, I know there are people there to check on her and they will let me know if something is wrong. Well, it is not or they would have called me. Yippee. If she sees where I called, she may call me back. But hardly doubtful.

My other goal is to STOP thinking about it everyday when I am not with her.

This chic is on a mission.

I went to an employee assistance counselor for job stress once. (This boss I had was a carbon copy of my mother and it was really doing a number on me.) My counselor had me envision a great big hypodermic needle full of sparkly glowing juice that was alive. It was shimmery, like it had little pieces of holographic glitter in it. It was a big dose of Amazing. I would picture myself injecting this into my arm. The mental image of pumping myself full of Amazing actually helped me. I didn't think it would, but I did the imaging sessions just like she told me to and by golly, it started to work. This boss from h*ll stopped being able to make me nauseous, anxious, and I didn't cry anymore. I'm too amazing for that. I also had to picture her as a frightened little girl who was talking big to protect herself, because more than likely, that's exactly what she had learned to do in her real childhood. This counselor also taught me to say:

==I can see that you're upset. I'll come back another time to finish our meeting/discussion when you aren't so upset.

==Let's not make this discussion personal. If there is something concrete and work related that you expect that I can write down, I'm happy to do my best, but I don't have to sit here and be ambushed with personal criticism.

Sandwich, these are great! I'm adding to my file right now :)

"My question is: When she says these manipulating things and points fingers at me by using others as an example, I am stuck with how to handle it. Do I say anything or just leave like I have been? This is where I am having trouble now, what to do in these situations."

This is a tough thing. There is no training or preparation to hear this kind of stuff coming out of your mother, or any other person really, but it cuts to the quick when it's mom, even if mom has been a royal pain always.

My mom has communicated this way for so long she can't communicate any other way. She isn't even aware that she is being mean, hateful, angry, etc. She has no awareness and therefore no control. This is the way she is and it works for her. It's always served her purposes to put people off and keep them off kilter with this kind of personality & approach.

What can you do? Several things.

== Arm yourself ahead of time. Literally do mental images of putting on armor. For me, I picture myself in a protective bubble she can't pop or get through. It's impenetrable. Inside my bubble it's nice, clean, happy, and I am in control of everything. I don't come out of that bubble until I want to. Mental imagery is really powerful, so find what means something to you and do it - a lot! Find the images that make you feel powerful, strong, and capable. Put on your armor before you walk through the door of where she is. Kind of like the Sheild Wall they make on the Vikings show on History Channel. She is not coming over that Sheild Wall. Tawanda!

==Remind yourself the visit is temporary. It is not like it was as a kid where you had no choice and had to stay and listen to everything until she was done. No way! The visit can be over when you decide it is. This is like the club you carry in addition to your shield.

== Write it, say it, chant it if you need to: This person has zero effect on me. I am not a sponge who soaks up her poison. I am me, separate, happy, and good. Do this a thousand times a day if you need to.

== Visualize her as the weak one, because that's what she really is. You are the strong one. You are only patiently putting up with her mess because you don't need to strike back. You are valuable, powerful, capable, and amazing entirely on your own. You are like the giant oak tree that has a little kid being a brat at its roots. It doesn't affect you one bit. Nothing she can say or do has any meaning or bearing on how you feel and are. The bratty little kid is not going to bring down a big old giant oak.

==In the moment, just ignore what she says. Interrupt her and talk about something completely different. I know, this is rude, right? NO IT IS NOT. Just cut it off mid-sentence and ask her a question about something totally unrelated. Make it random. Make it silly. Anything is allowed if it derails her train and keeps her off the tracks. She is not expecting this, as this is not how mother/daughter dynamics work, so it will be effective at least for a while.

==Afterwards, reward yourself. Take a nap, go for a walk, something that only you can do for you. You earned it. Sometimes my reward is not going back over there for another few weeks. Sometimes it's a massage. Sometimes it's time reading a book or knitting or sewing. I get to pick and I look forward to it. Sometimes it's a big fat margarita! :-D

This is what I do to get through those absolutely stupefyingly traumatic visits with my mom. I hope it works for you! You might come up with your own, so please post them!!

Dearest Jeweltone ~ When I read your post, I couldn't help but thinking your situation was the EXACT situation my dearest friend was in. She, too, was an only child who took care of her aging mother (after her father died 30 years ago). Her mother was in her mid-60's when her father passed away. She (my friend) was newly married and had a little one at the time. When her father passed, her mother couldn't understand why she would not leave her husband and move back home with her to "take care of her". Yikes. Her mother had no cognitive mental decline at that time, only the fact that her husband had passed away and she thought it was her daughter's "duty" to take care of her.

Well, fast forward 30 years --- her mother was now in her mid-80's. My friend obviously never left her husband to live in her mother's home. Her mother managed to live there alone quite nicely. She never drove a car, so my friend would take her mother out for outtings, get a Senior van to take her to the local Senior Center, do her shopping, etc. etc. However, as an only child, my friend felt obligated to call and visit her mother MANY times weekly over the ensuing 30 years, all the while her mother guilt-tripping her for 30 years. When she was 85, Mom decided she wasn't going to go to the Senior Center anymore and that my friend would be her sole caregiver (she refused aides) and provider of all her needs and her entertainment. As an only child, she was totally guilt-tripped about this and resigned herself to her situation. One day, at age 85 her mother fell and was hospitalized and it was determined that it was not safe for her to live alone anymore. My friend made the wise decision to put her in a NH (which was a pretty nice one) and not bring her home to live with her. Well, as you can image sh*t hit the fan and for the next 9 years (until her mother's death), her mother was angry with her daughter. For the next 9 years, my friend dutifully visited her mother EVERY OTHER DAY while she was a resident in the NH. Every other day!!! She also did her Mom's laundry.

Not a day went by that her mother didn't make her life miserable. Telling her what a horrible daughter she was putting her there, more head games, yelling "Noooo" at the top of her lungs. More often than not, my friend would come home in tears after the verbal lashing (abuse). My friend was a saint. Her mother was safe from falls, ate well, clean --- but the terrible guilt my friend bore was so upsetting to her. My heart broke for her. I could only console and be there for her as a friend. I told her her Mom did love her in her own way and that ultimately, the dementia was taking over (she never was diagnosed with Alzheimers) and it was not my friend's fault. Sandwich42 is correct. Heed her words.

So my dearest Jeweltone -- as an only child, you MUST take care of yourself FIRST. You cannot change your Mom's perception and attitude. You must realize it is what it is. You can only limit the effects her behavior has on you. As such, my advice would be to decide how many days/calls/visits you can handle and stick to that schedule. You said it yourself, whatever you do, no matter how many calls/visits etc., the outcome will be the same. You can't fix your Mom. It's a sad situation, but again, in the NH she is safe, gets regular meals and is clean. She is cranky because she cannot change the situation she is in --- her only release is to take it out on the one person she knows will faithfully visit/call her --- you.

Ultimately, my friend's Mom passed away after 9 years in a NH -- her crankiness, guilt-tripping got worse before it got better (meaning, towards the end she was no longer able to communicate with my friend). After her death, my friend felt so guilty --- but ultimately relieved. She knew she did the best she could for her Mom. It's been 5 months now and while she's still sad and grieving, every day that goes by, the grief is lifting.

You know your limits. You know your Mom's situation/crankiness is "NOT your fault and your are NOT a failure because you cannot fix it or make her happy." You have the right attitude and I know you will find peace.

When my friend's Mom would verbally abuse her at the NH, she would just say to her, "Mom, I'm not going to sit here and take it while your saying mean things to me. I've come here to have a nice, pleasant visit with you. If you can't stop saying these things to me, I'll have to leave now." And then she did. She would walk out and not come back until her next scheduled visit. Sometimes it worked. Sometimes it didn't. Whatever happened after she left, she knew the nurses/aides would handle it. My friend had a great relationship with the nurses and her mother's aides. Every time my friend would visit her Mom, she never knew walking into her room whether it would be a good day or a bad day with her mother's attitude. Some visits would be pleasant, most weren't. But my friend hung in there.

If you have good friends who support you and to whom you can talk, by all means, utilize this. If not, seek out support groups and, perhaps, your own mental health therapy if it's too hard to cope. Come to this website, vent, we are here for you. I wish you well and send {{{HUGS}}}.

I just noticed as I read over what you wrote, Sandwich42, 15 years? 15? Oh good golly, I have only done this for 3 years. Actually 5 if I go back before I knew she was ill. I will say I have really dealt with my mom for 46 years (my age), my whole life, but the last 5 years have been truly you know what. No matter what I do, you are right, it WON"T matter. It may matter on a blue Monday, but it WON"T matter if I gave her the moon. It WON:T matter Sam I Am. If I call everyday, if I call two days a week, the outcome will be the same. I really am taking to the part where you say, " They aren't faults or failings on my part. I get to be human in this. I'm not a machine who can go and do everything for everybody every day. I don't owe her or anybody explanations about my choices and behaviors, so I don't bother coming up with them. If she is cranky about something I did or didn't do, oh well. We aren't going to have pleasant visits ever, so it doesn't matter anyway." You are so right, my limits are ok. It is NOT my fault and I am NOT a failure because I cannot fix it or make her happy.

My question is: When she says these manipulating things and points fingers at me by using others as an example, I am stuck with how to handle it. Do I say anything or just leave like I have been? This is where I am having trouble now, what to do in these situations. Thanks again for the inspiring words.

AMEN sister...you have said it perfect!!! Now, put that in my head, immediately. Haha. Even though I feel this exact way, I have yet to make it real. Fantasies yes, and reality is waiting. One day, Sandwich and Looloo, one day!! Mercy is what it is, I do it out of mercy myself. I am trying to think of her as an old woman who needs help.

Sandwich -- thank you, thank you, thank you for this. I just copied and pasted, and will print out and keep with me. SO helpful and comforting to read this. I know eventually this attitude will become part of me, as long as I practice it.

Jeweltone, Baby steps and even some days half-baby steps are wonderous miracles. This is a roller coaster ride from h_ll. You're doing great so far, if you can't tell.

I don't know if this will help you or not. I hope so.
This takes courage, guts, and a spine of cast iron to survive all this, but you can do it.

Here are some of the things I had to come to terms with when it was all new to me:

== I had to give myself permission to do what is necessary, whatever that may be, and even if it's unexpected and undesired. Even if I don't have parental permission in advance.

Mom used to be a mega control freak. However, there came a day where it could not be that way anymore. I took the reigns. I didn't ask for the reigns. I stopped waiting for her to pass them over. I just grabbed them and didn't let go. This is the way it has to be to keep her safe. No sense wasting energy on feelings about it now. I wasted 15 years of feelings patiently cajoling her, trying to get her to see reason about her own situation and future. I can't count the sleepless nights of worry, the quarts of Maalox I took for stomach anxiety over her stupid stubborn refusals of help. No kind of medical emergency would scare her into cooperating. I should have just taken control then instead of trying to partner with her, collaborate, and get her to be part of the decision making. She wasn't capable then anymore than she is today. But all the going advice said to make your senior part of the conversation, get them to pick choices, etc. Little did I know that advice doesn't apply to some situations and precious little is written about this kind of situation.

==I had to give myself permission to be flexible. Some days will stink, some days will be so-so, once in a while there might be a somewhat normal day. It's all ok. Stay loose. Hang ten. Breathe your way through it. You can push the proverbial reset button at any point in the day and as many times as you need to in a day. There were days when I had my finger on the reset button all day long.

== I had to let go of the fantasies. First, I had to realize that some of my wants & goals for her and our relationship were fantasies in the first place!
I love the idea of a pleasant afternoon visit, or a nice friendly meal together, or going on outings, but these are never going to happen with the real mother I have. Her physical and mental person are never going to be that fantasy mother in my head. She's not capable of it. Once I let go of the wishes & fantasies, I can see and accept her for what she is, no more, no less. I quit beating myself up for HER inadequacies. I quit blaming her for constantly pooping on the parade. She can't *not* poop on the parade, so we don't do anything like that anymore. Note I didn't say love her for what she is. Acceptance is NOT saying that it's OK for her to be that way either. It's just a basic sentiment that she is a permanent full time Parade Pooper, so don't bring her to something and expect her to be any other way.

==I am able to do the little bit I can with her, and I mean it's tiny, out of a sense of mercy. I can't even say it's love. It's just mercy. This woman has had a tortured life, full of learning disabilities, untreated mental illness, traumas, the wrong meds, too strong meds, no therapy, no guidance, and no interpreter since my dad died in 1986. He translated the world for her and kept her out of a lot of trouble. She was highly dependent on him and has been a basket case since then. However, I am not his replacement.

== I had to accept my own limits as OK. They aren't faults or failings on my part. I get to be human in this. I'm not a machine who can go and do everything for everybody every day. I don't owe her or anybody explanations about my choices and behaviors, so I don't bother coming up with them. If she is cranky about something I did or didn't do, oh well. We aren't going to have pleasant visits ever, so it doesn't matter anyway.

I would love to go out with my mom, eat in the dining room, go for ice cream, anything other than sit in with her. The only problem is she will NOT go anywhere. She won't even go to the dining room and eat. She has finally decided she will go to the patio and sit with me while I am there. She will at least get out of her room now for a bit. Maybe down the road she will go out for a drive or something.

Emjo: yes, I feel sorry for my mom too for the decisions she has made these past few years, but now I realize it was the illness making the decisions. It is what it is and there isn't any changing it.

I am working on everything else to get myself some freedom from the guilt and her sarcasm. I guess I do hope things will get better as far as her appreciating things I do, even just a visit. She wants me to fix it and I have told her I cannot fix it. After three years I have finally realized I honestly can't fix it. I did try everything possible to try to make it better. Now, I am working toward letting what she says to me roll off my shoulders and think oh well you don't bother me anymore.

Looloo: I cannot imagine having to go take away her car. My mom did quit driving on her own two years ago. She became afraid of everything, driving, the shower, going out, etc. She has lately stated that maybe she could try to drive. Well, it is too late now because her licence expired. I just tell her the doctor stated she couldn't drive. I blame a lot on the doctors and she blames a lot on the medicine she takes...Haha! I also agree with you about loving my mother. Do I tell her I love her? Sometimes I do to make her feel better, but I honestly can't say that I do love her like she would want me to. I see her as a mean, hateful, ungrateful woman that is miserable in her own skin and makes everyone around her miserable as well. I think another thing that is hard for her and me is that she is only 68. She has had to give up a lot and go through so much at such a young age. I know her frustrations also come from not really understanding it all.

I know that I say some of the same things, but please understand this is all new to me and I am really searching for ways for comfort and ways to move forward. When I started here a few months ago, I did the courage through others to put her in AL and not feel bad about it. I am so glad I did because now I know she is safe. When winter comes I will not worry--did the electric go off, is she warm, can I get to her because of the snow, all that will be one less thing on my mind. Winter is my least favorite season, but I will tell you, when it comes I know I will have peace because I can stay home and tell her I can't get out.

Baby steps, one step at a time for me. Thanks for the nudges to take the next step.

Jeweltone--I updated this a few moments ago on another thread, but I didn't call my mother today. I reconsidered and decided to call her Wednesday, before her DMV appointment to turn in her license--or so I thought, until her neighbor called me today. I have no idea what actually occurred, but her neighbor told me that SHE drove my mother to the DMV TODAY, and that she did NOT turn in her license, but instead had a hissy fit about keeping her license. The neighbor said that the DMV wouldn't take her license back because of the HEARING my mother scheduled for this coming Friday!! Which I found about a few weeks ago and tried desperately to cancel, but Obviously I was unsuccessful.
My neighbor said that my mother is continuing to drive, despite it being illegal for her to do so. I told her this numerous times, and she seemed to understand and seemed willing to respect the law. But her dementia is getting worse, and she feels like the one being persecuted and victimized. So she's doing what she damn well feels like doing, and everyone else can go to hell.
Sorry for the long update---the new plan is for my husband and I to go down on Saturday and he will drive her car away. Believe me, she will have an absolute sh-t fit, and will probably not want to speak to me anytime soon. Which will be a blessing. I'll coordinate additional home care for her, and that will be that until the next crisis.

The thing is, I don't have love for my mother. Sorry for sounding corny, but I love life (most days, lol), I love this amazing universe, I love that everyone of us on this planet--we're all in this together. So I draw on that. I can list things about my mother that sound complimentary (great cook, skilled sewer, learned Spanish in college and became a Spanish professor), but I have no fondness or warm feelings for her. Just a wistful, guilty feeling for NOT having loving feelings. And I have a lot of anger towards her--I have since I was very young.

I have found that the less guilt I take on, the less I allow my mother's moods to be my moods, the less I live for her, the better life is for me. I feel my natural joy returning. And she finds others to cling to, which is fine with me. How did I make this change? I couldn't stand the depression and getting nuts myself. A counselor helped me too. I keep saying to myself: I deserve to thrive and greet the day. I often spend time I could have done other things by taking her for a ride, to a new nature spot, or to a store she likes. I can barely tolerate her company. But it does feel good to know that I can do something nice for her: not for her approval but for my own growth. She still complains and she doesn't realize how annoying she is.
She definitely is handling my boundaries better though.

The things that Mom needs that might help you deal with your situation:
1. Other people, strangers, etc. Anyone who gives them attention. Just like a child.
2. Distractions outside of their 4 walls. A ride to a park for a 20 minutes.
3. Eat out and let her pay for it. When you get home: no dishes to do!
4. Call instead of visit. Wear headphones and check your email or do other things while she rants on. Mom can't be bothered to see if what she is saying is really being heard or not. She believes no one can listen and so she makes that happen!
5. Let her know you love her (even while gritting your teeth) and then let it all go.
6. Reward your time with her by doing something nice for yourself.

It is hard to read this as the things your mom says are the same exact things my dad used to say. I am lucky that we got him on a medication that helped him. However, Jewel I have heard you talk about this many times. But until you realize guilt is something you do to yourself, you won't be free of the compulsion to go there. It's maybe because you are hoping by going to see her you can make things better. This will not happen, so until you give up on that unrealistic hope and realize she knows how to manipulate you, you'll continue the visit. You can't change things so why do you continue to think things will? They won't. Either you continue repeating what you are doing that doesn't work, or you decide whether YOU are worth not being verbally abused. This is a pattern of behavior probably deeply ingrained in the relationship with her based on what you written before. Therapy is helpful my dear, for you, to help you set boundaries. Your own brain doesn't deserve the stress this is inflicting. And stress can be a contributing factor of dementia... so think of that the next time you have an urge to visit. Take care of yourself. Hugs!

jewel and loo - I totally relate too. Nothing is good enough. I dread any kind of contact. Mother started moving about 5 years ago. She had been in one city for a long time and then in her apartment out west for about 15 years. I feel sorry for her as her recent choices have landed her in an undesirable situation. Had she agreed to take meds she would have still been in one of the best ALFs in her city, with staff who really cared about her welfare. Now she is in a psychiatric hospital and her options, with or without meds are more and more limited - very limited without meds.


jewel - you can start going once every 2 weeks, or once a week for a shorter time. I don't even go once a month as she is out of town. You need to do right by yourself too.

loo - 1/2 hr at a time is enough - sometimes too much.

(((((hugs))))) to all of us dealing with this.