Is it normal she's so negative?

I don’t have advice. Only good vibes going your way as I’m in a similar situation.

Your story sounds so familiar. I think my Dad is in the early stages of dementia. He accuses people of stealing things I find for him later. He complains about his AC is too loud, the kids in the complex bug his dog, it is too cold in Kansas. I paid for a really nice suite for my husband, my Dad and his dog whilst driving the Uhaul and my Dad's things from Arizona. He sat in the car like a child saying he would not go in there, because someone would steal everything he owned from the truck. Most of his belongings were so old they didn't work anymore or just on the verge of breaking. We got him into a one level, one bedroom apartment with new hardwood floors and appliances. I applied for subsidy and wrangled his bills down into where he can actually afford them. Got his medical worked out, new glasses, etc. It has cost us $7000. I pay everything and give him allowance whether he had it left or not. I make and deliver him dinners 4 times a week. When his dryer quit working he claimed it was because my husband hit too many bumps with the Uhaul. He hammered me for weeks about being dumb and forgetting his jacket from the front hall closet in his old place. After I bought him a new one, he found it in his car trunk. He accused a neighbor of stealing the antenna off of his car. Said he saw him do it. I knew the piece he was referring to was in his car door slot waiting to be put back on because it fell off inside the carwash when we had his smoke ridden smelly car detailed. He tells everyone he never knows how much money he has, but he actually knows that if he doesn't have it in cash, he doesn't have it. I don't keep any of his money per month to pay myself back the $7000. I do feel like I should be putting some of it aside for months when he may need it. He has the perfect set up and although he thanks me to my face for everything I do daily, he wrote an email to 5 people telling them he needs to get out of Kansas, that I convinced him to move here and it was a bad decision. One of those people he emailed has been dead for 5 years. The list goes on. I feel for you. I took 5 days off from calling or stopping by and his dog had a medical emergency. My narcissistic sister was there and took him and the dog to the vet. No one called me. Now my sister hangs it over my head like I am a terrible person and she is Florence Nightingale. I just told her "Thank God you were there". Big deal, $500 at the vet vs. $7000 for rescuing him from ruin doesn't compare. My sister was no where to be found during the death of my step mother or moving my Dad out here. God Bless you for caring for your parent. As an only child I am sure it feels like you could use some help. Take it from me, siblings can me more of a hurt than a help. Unfortunately aging and dementia it seems normal to be confused and ridiculous and complain nonstop. Feeling like walking away is also normal. Trust me I have the same feelings, but if I don't take care of the old cantankerous coot, who will? I do love him. He is one of two people that gave me life and no one will love him as much as his family. Good luck to you. Keep us posted.

She will play the guilt card with you til the end! Stop visiting for a while. Get a life for yoyrself! If she hates the way you do her hair, don't do it! Complains about the food? Let her. I'd have to walk away at some point, not because it bothered me so much, but for my own sanity! Even the ALF employees get 16 hours away from her per day! Give yourself a break!

you're normal dear. I'm an only as well. In time, she WILL get used to her new place, and you will get used to her illness. Mine has Dementia too. Reading about Dementia/Alzheimer's helps a little. It takes time to learn to not take her seriously and try to get her to laugh. Your Moms Narcissistic behavior is normal in this situation. She's lost total control for the first time and can't handle it. She want someone "to pay" for her situation and she's also scared to death of being alone. If you DO start coming to see her one time a week instead of 2 unless she's near death, she will HAVE to reach out to others I. Her immediate group. Once she get used to being there, she'll probably calm down. Just change the subject like you do with little kids and that will help too. Having your role model break down is a shock to the system too. Find a mantra...like "I won't let her get to me". I won't let her get to me". Repeat as many times as you need to (to yourself of course) when she's into her diatribe. Keep reminding yourself she's not the same person she was..she's in a different reality. If you can...get into her reality for a little while. Tell her you know how hard it must be to have so much change going on all at once..it is for you too. Maybe that helps. My daughter is closer to Grandma than I am..she's a natural at talking to her. I'm a little more pragmatic. I put up with my mother for a lot longer. We're good, but never were great together. Having friends she knows visit may help too. Everyone is different. You'll find you own pace and words in time. When you go home... forget it all and do something YOU like to do.

On her? I think they were talking about on the floor.

For all those that responded leave the poop on her, SHAME ON YOU!!! She is not of her right mind so punish her?

You can learn to ignore the negativity. You may be the only positive aspect of her life. It's difficult to readjust your attitude around mental illness because you don't see the illness. I use baby wipes for my mother so she can clean herself in between bathing. The urine staying off is a must. Write down family members' telephone numbers in large print and slip into a plastic sleeve or folder. Take her photo albums. She needs to rehearse what her mind knows. Music is great. There is a video Alive Inside is a must see. (youtube) I bought my mother the headphones for whenever we travel (dr. appts, in van). Best of luck to you.

Jewel, It is absolutely normal for you to feel this way. Care taking takes a lot out of people. Additionally, when ppl enter this stage of their lives, they live in a time of desperation vs. integrity. It seems your mom is living in the desperation phase where nothing is good. This is her process, let her have it but make sure to maintain healthy boundaries for yourself and if that means a once a week visit, then do it.

Dear ConfusedHurt, I have to remind myself every day that I can actually choose to do what I want without adjusting every minute of my life around my mother's narcissistic "needs." I am getting a new morning routine of focusing on what I would like to do if I take her out if my mental picture. It is amazing--I actually like the me that emerges when I do this! I am taking much better care of myself and retraining my brain--it isn't easy but not as hard as I thought it would be to break my decades-long habit of trying to guess what she will do next and avoid her nastiness or rejection of me. I hope, hope, hope this sense of self and freedom happens to you, and all who are struggling with unbelievably manipulative and controlling mothers. I am so determined to continue my growth--wish me luck. Setting boundaries of what we think is appropriate is absolutely key! Change things to make them better for YOU! I am rooting for you!

How about one boundary being that you will not clean up poop - that either she wears diapers or she has to hire some one to do it.

She will continually test your boundaries - so set them very tight and hold to them. Not next time - but this time. "next time" is a threat not a boundary, and she knows it and suspects you will not keep the threat and will test it. Dont threaten a narcissist - just set the boundary quietly and firmly and offer her other solutions, again quietly and firmly.

Boundaries have consequences, like - if you do not wear diapers, I will not clean up your poop. If you don't want to wear diapers, I can help you find someone who will clean your poop at your cost.

With Bill so ill will there be visiting nurses coming to the house? They or her doctor could be helpful in assessing that your mom needs outside help and a neuropsych evaluation, You can list your concerns to her doctor in writing and give it to him. Good luck and let us know how you do..

How about you just leave her poop where it is. Until she comes to the realization that you are no longer Cindarella.

Yes, why?

"Today I'm going in with a mop and bucket, a mask and gloves."

*****WHY????????????*****

Since her husband was diagnosed with terminal cancer, she's cranked it to a whole new level. My goal is to keep setting boundaries, stand by them, and some how get through this.

BarbBrooklyn: I have suggested she have the maid come weekly (it took FOREVER to get her to even agree to a maid) but she only will have her come every other week. Today I'm going in with a mop and bucket, a mask and gloves. I'm telling her that next time I am calling a hazmat team, as this isn't healthy for me. I'm also telling her that I'm looking into an agency through Senior Services to see what I can do to protect her from herself. That aught to get those diapers on her d*mn a**! (sorry - I'm fuming lately - just one of the steps in realizing your childhood WASN'T a nightmare but really DID happen).

njny1952: What your mother did was gaslight you. She thought anger could control you. When you stood up to her, she eventually used a kinder tone in order to reel you back in. I've never heard "I'm so sorry" though. Mine has never uttered those words. There's usually an excuse instead as to why it should be acceptable for her to do those things. Mine uses "I love you" instead. When she knows she's losing her "grip", she pulls the compliments out of the closet. She's starting to get that those aren't working either. It's an interesting dance we adult children of dysfunctional parents learn to dance to. Stay strong!!!

Can't you hire someone to do the cleaning? With her money?

I mean really. Cleaning up her sh*t? Literally? Why are you paying the price for her refusal to wear protective undergarments.?

Hello. I recently self-diagnosed my 85 year old mother as narcissistic personality disorder (npd). Ok, lets strip the word "recently" out of that sentence. It's more like "Oh my! There's a name for this?!?" First, when push comes to shove, she CAN take care of herself. She can get dressed, walk with a walker through the house, and shower. She refuses. For 1.5 years she's laid in bed, demanding her husband get things for her. "Bill! Bill! Get me some water! Bill, Bill! I sh*t on the floor again. I can't reach down and clean it up!" Three weeks ago "Bill" was diagnosed with terminal lung cancer. Her first words...."What about me?? What am I suppose to do? Where will I live when he dies??"

That's when I started looking up npd. Here's the funny thing about growing up with dysfunction. You only notice it when it happens to someone else. Seeing how she was reacting to my step-father made me realize "this is wrong. This is.... sick."

She refuses to wear diapers, refuses to admit she sabotages herself, has "convenient memory loss" when it suits her needs (my step sister took her to a doctor who declared her memory is just fine. I told her it's her "manipulation" that's getting rusty.) I ask my step-dad what he needs, and she pipes up "I could use a bottle of water!"

So as I head over today to empty the trash, clean the cat box, and take the trash cans to the curb, and then mop up her feces (again) and relay plastic from the bedroom to the bathroom (again), while trying to determine how my step-dad is holding up, wish me luck. I've been setting many boundaries lately. Consequently she's now posting "I love my daughter" on Facebook. Does having your npd parent publicly claim something they've NEVER said TO you make anyone else's skin crawl?

Thanks for listening! (Did I mention she drank my first 13 years of life, and has been sober for almost 45 years. Gotta love a "dry drunk" npd!!)

If I didn't know better, I would think I made these posts. I am in the exact same boat. Learning very slowly that I do not have to take the negativity and I do not have to be there to pick up the pieces should things fall apart when she insists on leaving the facility to go home to her old ways.

Hello everyone--I haven't posted in a while, but I feel compelled to do so now after reading momsonlychild's comments, and Jeweltone's also! Verbal abuse is unacceptable. I think even cognitively impaired adults can learn some basics. I have been in and out of counseling for much of my life--and I have finally reached some goals that I thought were unattainable. I think for my whole life, as an only child, with a wonderful father who just could not stand up to my mother, I felt responsible for her happiness and was fearful that if I did not rise to her beck and call she would reject me. Although my mother had some horrible separations from loved ones as a young child, she can still choose to be a kinder human being as an adult. Anyhow, like I said, I think for my whole life I feared she would ultimately reject me, and guess what? The other day, I didn't make her feel extra special about Mother's Day because I said I missed my own children and didn't reassure her that she was very special and how grateful I was for her, etc. (I am making a long story quite short here...). As a result she started to do her cold shoulder thing, which then progressed to the actual rejection I always feared. I went to her house to check on her and she screamed at me to GET OUT. I didn't have a mother anymore--I had killed her! She kept screaming to GET out! GET OUT! So I left. She called after that and proceeded to continue to scream at me that I had no more mother and I should find a new mother. She said she would never see me again on Mother's Day. I told her that I had indeed found a new mother inside of myself. I could give myself the unconditional love that I never received. I am sure she didn't understand but whatever. Later she called and we talked in a more reasonable way, and the next day she said she was so sorry she said those things to me, but I think she has already put the whole thing out of her head. Do I think she has cognitive issues at 90? Yes, but not very much--she drives, cooks, dresses nicely, and carries on pretty much the way she always did. She is just a bit more extreme now. So... the thing I feared most came and went, and I am stronger for it. The next time she even hints of treating me like that, I will leave. No more--not ever again.

Lastly, momsonlychild, your mother is only 75. I am 64, and I cannot imagine expecting my children to take care of me like that. Unless she is house bound or very ill, etc., get going with your own life! She'd that guilt and fear--get hep if you need to. There is still lots fo time for you, and don't waste any more of it than you have already. I wish you freedom and joy! You are entitled to these!

I'm sure everyone gets tired of my saying this, but...had been evaluated by a geriatric psychiatrist? Sometimes the right combination of meds for depression, anxiety and agitation can make the lives of the elderly happier and calmer. It certainly was true for my mom.

She constantly yells at me and it really gets to me. She's very stubborn and difficult to deal with. I want to take care of her and it would kill me and her to put her somewhere else. I need help in learning how to deal with all of this and more.

I am having such a hard time with my mom's anger. She's always had an angry undertone but it was nothing like she is now. She's 75 and lives in a condo around the corner from mine so that I can check on her daily. I find comfort in knowing I can get to her in 10 seconds. I do everything for her such as paying bills, taking her to dr appts, different places. I allow her to drive within a 3-5 mile radius of home due to her dementia. She also can't hear well but yet refuses to wear the hearing aide we got for her.

((HUGS)) Jeweltone. I know it is very difficult & all too common. I'll share with you what I learned thru therapy. As long as your Mother is safe & well taken care of, you have the right to choose when to call her, when to visit her, & when to cut the visit short when she starts with her negativity. I understand it is difficult & guilt may accompany your decisions, but each time you incorporate this practice, it reinforces the behavior not only in you, but in your Mother. It took me way too many years to learn this, but when you know better, you do better.

Hello All, Love reading your posts. I can relate in so many ways. Yes, I am still staying away. My aunt went a couple weeks ago to help out and my mom is starting to now treat her the same way. Even though she didn't treat her very nice, she tolerated her better than she did me. My aunt called me with a quiver in her voice and I felt so sorry for her. She told me she now really knows how I felt. She said she thinks my mom gets joy out of being mean. She stated my mom got right in her face. My aunt told her is was really low of her to act this way and my mom said "yea, it is really low of you"... she means that. She does get joy from your misery. Very sad. She is a very sad and miserable person.
Things at home have been stressful for other reasons not due to my mom and I keep asking myself "is this because I am not seeing my mom?" "Am I being punished in some way"...I realize the guilt does this. My aunt has remeasured me many times this is not the case. I am so relieved that the stress is not coming from my mom. At least there are times I can laugh and smile. When I was seeing her on a weekly basis, I was so depressed from the negativity. If my mom had not been like this all her life, I would say, oh it's the disease. It's her! The disease has just caused it to be seen by others not just family. She was so good at hiding her meanness to others and how dare if I ever "spill the beans". She could and still can manipulate like no other. I am just glad it's not me anymore. I do feel very sorry for those that take care of her. At AL I found out that they weren't giving my mom a schedule of activities and the girl over the schedule stated that my mom won't come out for any of them and she complains when she does. I had to speak up and say "Actually, it is my mom's choice if she comes out" it is up to the activity director to give her a schedule. See, they don't even want her out...how sad is that. I so worry since they have a new director, they may put her out for being so hateful to the staff. Then what?!? I try really hard not to think about that.
My mom takes antidepressant and anxiety medicine. She did, this past summer, stop taking her meds and ended up in the hospital from anxiety attacks. The director at the time took her meds and started giving them to her. I think the new director have given her pills back to her to be responsible for-since it is AL they only assist and don't hand out their medications. Without the medicine it is even worse.--if you can only imagine that.
Thank you again for listening when I get things on my mind. I think about each of you and your struggles--they are real. Be bold and stand up for what you know is right--right for you!!

Also, a good night's sleep works wonders in the way you feel. Maybe you need to be checked for sleep apnea too?? It's worth a try.
We have to take care of ourselves so we can be there for our kids as well.

Hi and I took mom to a pulmonologist last week. She has emphysema but also severe sleep apnea. The Dr stated sleep apnea causes dementia like symptoms, depression, heart disease, diabetes, incontinence, getting up all night to use the bathroom, stroke, and mood swings to name a few! So that being said, she has to do a sleep study and wear a c pap at night to keep her airways open. What happens is the airways close shut from being too relaxed and the brain wakes them up to tell them to breathe cause it needs oxygen. Hope this helps..She too was diagnosed with depression, dementia, is very negative and complains about everything. Plus blames it on me. Everything wrong in her world is my fault. You're right about not wanting to be around her. I hate even having to live with her but she's on a lot of medicines and needs monitoring plus this is her home. I took care of dad before he passed so it's her turn now. I myself am going to also get checked for sleep apnea. Hope this helps. Hopefully mom's negativity will pass and she will have a better quality of life. Hence, less negativity and stress on me!!!

These are the things I experience when visiting my grandmother, perhaps not quite so much the outward negativity directly at me but I know it lurks beneath. I have learned not to take the bait! She is pushing your buttons and you are reacting. Get some help from a trusted source or therapist to deal with her negativity/anger. You will not change her but YOU CAN CHANGE how you respond to her. She is controlling you. Learn to deal with her controlling abusive behavior aimed at you, her negativity, and things should go better. When I visit, I don't engage in her negativity. I let things go in one ear and out the other. I encourage positive conversations about things I know she likes to yack about.  Just listening to her (boring stuff) and giving her attention is usually good.  It may be repeated stories given her dementia but that's okay, I've given up on her caring much about me or my life because that's just not who she is, and she doesn't remember much anyhow. I don't tell her anything she can use against me later. When I visit I bring things to lighten the mood, like my cat. It's usually a 3-day visit! Take a dog or other pet to divert attention. Take magazines, plan to cook meals, have a mutual friend come visit that puts her in a good mood. Find things that take away the negativity, opportunities that fuel her anger. Disrupt the situation as much as you can so you are more in control of YOUR situation on your visit so the vibe is a more positive one. I would suggest not answering the phone as much and telling fibs to reduce your calls. You must reduce the negativity, and stop taking her bait. Recognize these clear signs and I guarantee you, your dynamics will change. It will get you through these remaining years and keep your sanity. I wish you good health.  

Let me add it's perfectly acceptable to have the feelings you do.  It's okay to share with trusted friends.  As caregivers many of us go through difficult times, we don't like the situation.  We need people to talk to.  It's important for our own mental health, and you must always take care of yourself.  Never, ever feel guilty about your feelings, taking care of yourself.  

My mother is difficult - she is picky but only with me...Dont let that fool you it isn't me...it would be whoever cared for her. BUT as the specialists have all told me all the traits get exaggerated with dementia and very often that means that parents who were controlling before become extreme in their methods of control, often out of fear that you might just walk away.

Jewel 2017 HAS changed the way you think. In2016 you thought she was being a pain - now you KNOW she is! xxx

Unfortunately, many old people do become nasty. I personally don't care why they do it - if they are nasty - stay away. Sometimes that will bring them back to reality and you may have to tell them to stop acting that way and give them boundaries. If nothing helps, no medicine, nothing, then YOU must decide you are NOT going to take it and do not go near the person. You do NOT deserve this treatment from anyone - no matter why they do it.