Update on mom in assisted living. I had a hard time convincing my mom to go to assisted living. She was diagnosed with dementia 2 years ago and she couldn't stay alone anymore. I work, have a family she kept wanting them to leave. In March, she went to assisted living. I go twice a week and at first called her every night. I now only call three times a week because she is so negative I cannot take it anymore. When I go to do her hair, she constantly complains. She complains how I do her hair, about the place, about the people, about everything. She keeps asking me "could you live here?" Actually yes. It is brand new, wonderful people and great food. I worn out with the negativity. I have explained to her about her complaints, but she says I am "fussing" at her. Not true, just need some peace. Is it normal for a dementia patient be so negative? I do not want to go visit or call her. It would be so easy to just stop. I am an only child and feel obligated to help her. I feel so much better knowing she is safe and well cared for. She will not bathe or change her pajamas. She doesn't want to get her clothes on. She just wants to complain. She tells me she doesn't eat there, but they tell me different. Her memory isn;t so much the issue, it is her personality change, her inability to care for herself, and her reasoning skills are gone. Oh my, you cannot reason with her at all. When she truly believes something..well, she will say.."well, you are always right and want to argue with me." I want to walk away and enjoy my life without her in it, but I feel guilty for even thinking such a thing. Is all this normal?
I am very grateful to my counselor who helped me, but I worked very hard. I still have to work, but my relationship with my mother has shifted since I don't put up with her nonsense anymore. We will never have the loving relationship,the child within me had been craving, but I now have the love inside me--for me--if that makes sense. I do not need, expect, nor want her as my loving mother. That ship has sailed. Please let us know what you decide to do. No matter what, walk in freedom. XXOO
Jewel, only you can decide if you are the same person you were a year ago. Do you have the ability to walk in, say hello and chat and IF she starts complaining say "Mother, I love you and would love to visit with you, but if you are going to complain about things that neither of us has the ability to change, I'm going to leave. It's your choice what to talk about, but it's my choice whether to stay and listen". If she keeps complaining, smile and put your fingers in your ears and say "lalalalalalala". If she continues, smile, say your goodbyes and leave.
IF you think you can do that, then give it a shot. But I agree with GSA, I'd discuss with your therapist first. Perhaps you need to role play this a bit first.
**Today I go to the mailbox, I hadn't been in a few days, and OMG I see an envelope from my......mom. Oh, I cannot tell you the emotions running through my mind in a very short few seconds.--what is she wanting, what is she going to say, why is she sending me this, what, why, how---no, I am not opening it, but you need to know what she has to say...all the thoughts and pain came running back through me like a swollen river. I opened it!! It was a birthday card with a check. She didn't send me anything last year, but this year she decides to get out the pen. She went on to say how she missed me and I should call her or come and see her. She proceeded to tell me she was sorry IF she hurt me in anyway.---KEYWORD (IF). The counselor told me to beware of those type of words if she were to contact me. Those words truly mean that she isn't guilty of anything but she wants to put it out there to reel me in.---boy did she ever?!? For a short minute my heart filled up with sadness for her and wishing she meant what she said. Maybe she did when she first wrote it, maybe she feels guilty, maybe just maybe?? Okay, back to reality. I will tell you I am at a struggle what to do. I really do not want to cash the check--could I use the money?--ABSOLUTELY. I want to send it back and tell her I don't feel right taking it and that I am not ready to see her. I want to just tear up the check and pretend it didn't come. Not sure where to go from here. She has said she was sorry so many times and I always end back in the same situation with her. This time, I need to stand my ground. Is it right? Am in the wrong?--see what she starts doing to me? If I were to go back and read what I have written through these two years, it would probably answer my hard question--what to do? Usually the answers are right in front of us. Once again, thank you for your listening "ear"/eyes.. Hope each of you have a Happy Thanksgiving.
It sounds like your mother is doing just fine, given her age and mental condition. Its wonderful you found somewhere that she can be safe and have other companions.
I try to visit Saturdays and take her shopping and to lunch. Some days have gone really well and it's kind of pleasant. Some weeks she's off and gets going with accusations of plotting against her, or that she's been sold into slavery. I get that it's hard to be moved out of your apartment and all, but she's really in no shape to be alone. She's a danger to herself and others if she's left to her devices. I have to say, though, it is kind of a relief to have her in the home. She's not always happy, but she looks healthier, and we don't have to worry about her falling or not eating. She even put on a bit of weight and likes some attention.
She has a few quirks, though. One is she wants to save money to take a cab to her old bank. I suspect she thinks she'll take a couple thousand dollars out and then take a cab out of state or something. Not sure about that. She doesn't have the sense always to understand that she's too helpless and confused to really live on her own. Maybe that's a blessing in itself, that she believes herself competent enough?
When I lose my patience with her, she only gets worse. If I stay in a good mood and keep smiling and joking around, she lightens up. Things have improved, but I know it can change at the drop of a hat too.
I think the UTI infections affected her behavior. She now takes probiotics every day and has greatly improved her attitude about preparing her own food, and makes healthy choices in eating.
Best wishes. Try to get to the point where NOTHING and no one can shake your inner peace and joy of mind. The struggle is worth the learning!! Your joy and peace improves your own health too.
Well, Dh nor I will never use that card again. Can I quit now? Please? It is hard enough paying bills without the enemy undermining my efforts. Are there any friendlies out there? I cancelled the card. Still, a slow burn is building...
Sometimes, substituted behaviors lead to new feelings and understanding on your part. Sometimes, new insights lead to new behaviors.
The brain/mind is a complex organ/system that can change in remarkable ways, which is why good therapy works.
If she says that her heart is racing when you "argue" with her, I would suggest that you tell her that she needs to be seen for her anxiety issues.
Just remember, this is learned behavior, both hers and yours. It's the only way she knows how to interact with you, and right now, you're the only one with the insight and the cognitive skills to stop the "dance". Try to tamp down YOUR anxiety when talking with her. Have a script. Have a list of phrases and a list of things to talk about, to divert her from her need to upset you.
Remind me, is she being seen by a geriatric psych, or is she on antidepressant or antianxiety meds?
and if anything I'm saying is contradicted by your counselor or therapist, GO WITH THE PROFESSIONAL ADVICE, please.
That pit in your stomach feeling is back and the anxiousness is really pulling me down. Trying to work and fighting these feelings is once again taking its toll. I don't even want to decorate because it reminds me of what is gong on.
Stay strong, stay strong...my mantra for the days ahead.