Is it normal to feel angry?
For the last 3 months I have been caring for my elderly father who is 89 years old. He has no health conditions and doesn't take any meds at all but he is constantly saying things like 'if I am alive next week' or 'If I make it until tomorrow. For the last couple of weeks all he does is get up/ get washed/ dressed and sit in his chair all day.
I can't get him to do anything - not even make a cup of tea. He can actually do things for himself but he is doing less and less. I know he is getting frailer but he won't do any kind of activity and consequently his legs are getting weaker and he is going downhill. He was doing chair exercises but every day he makes excuses and is reluctant to move at all.
I have started to feel very frustrated and today I lashed out at him as the only thing he does is feed his dog but he has even stopped doing that. Now I feel really sorry and I get guilty, but I am just worn out from it all.
Any ideas?
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Now my Mother in Law is 97. She keep asking me WHY AM I ALIVE? So you go over, make sure they are up, dressed. Feed the dog, don't let him neglect the dog. The dog is being more mature than he is! If he sits there all day, he sits there all day. Make sure he is safe. Check for signs of nutrition. Like dirty dishes, or food gone. They play games with you. They say those things for reinforcement that they matter to someone. Turn into a detective. My Mother in Law eats, then gets rid of all the evidence. But I know where to look. Then go home and take care of yourself and your life. You have done your best.
He gets up - sits in his chair - gets dressed - sits in his chair. He does eat but less than usual; loves biscuits and cakes, not so good on protein and vegetables so eats like a kid. I let him eat what he wants as he's always eaten like this and has lived to this age on it.
A thorough medical check up could be a good thing to rule out any health issues.
Meanwhile, take it easy on yourself. This journey is not over and worse may lie ahead. You can only do what you can do -keep him as safe as possible, nourished, and with proper medical care. He will get frailer eventually no matter how much he does. It is a matter of his age. You need to look after yourself so you can care for him. Good luck!
I get why people who are 89 years old might say things about it being near the end. In a way they are right. Can you think of a few ways to put some spark or interest back into the day? I know it's hard, but, sometimes visits from children or long time friends help lift the spirits. Would he be up for a drive to the seashore or a lake? There is really only so much you can do.
I'm of the belief that seniors really have the right to just relax and do what they want as they turn into their 80's and 90's, as long as it's safe. Goodness knows they must be tired. For some people, getting out of bed, bathed and dressed for the day is a big deal. As long as he's content, I'd support his wishes. Maybe, he's content and just resting. I'd try to accept his choices and not impute upon him the way you think he should be behaving. Sometimes, kindness and support can be the best remedy.
But, you didn't mention what mg the doctor ordered? If it is 5 mg, a very low dose, he won't feel anything at 2.5 mg.
I have been taking 10 mgs 2x a day for severe anxiety. And it works.
But, this drug must stay in his system. Don't skip doses and if he can't toleralate the 2.5 mg, than contact his doctor.
But I will say that in Florida (not to sure on other states), they are reducing the amount of mg's given in order to wean patients off them. It's part of the whole Opiod epidemic. Good luck.
If he doesn't want to take that, could you crush up a half dose and give it to him in apple sauce or pudding? A lower dose will lessen the side effects and may still help his mood. Then increase it once he is used to it. If he has another panic attack you might try that with the Diazepam.
Mother was canny, and knew right away by the effect on her when they were giving her meds, so she refused them. But it works for some people.
Also check out the book “Being Mortal, Medicine and what matters in the end” by Atul Gawande. You can google it and get an idea of what it’s about. You might find it helpful for this time in your and dad’s life.
One last thing is if he will eat an egg a day, it will help with frailty. It must be frustrating to be away from your home and husband. Try the cbd oil yourself before you give it to your dad so you can see how subtle the effect is and you will notice it helps relax you as well.
I have been having acupuncture and going to qigong classs to support myself which is helping a bit but it's so full on with Dad. It's probabl the isolation of being with him 24/7 that is starting to get to me.
Have you thought of leveling with your dad and have a face to face talk? Tell him this is extremely hard on you and you can’t go on like this much longer. He must do something about his apathy if he loves you. Otherwise he will have to move. Then see what he says. If he wants a cup of tea, tell him where the fixings are and if he wants it badly enough he will make it. So far, he’s got you going ahead and fixing it. You’re not his maid servant. It sounds like he’s quite capable. I assume you’re in the UK because you said "biscuits " for cookies. Can’t you take him to the NHS doctor? You deserve a life. Go with him and be blunt in front of your dad and the doctor and explain this is too much on you.
I am in the UK but I actually live in Turkey with my husband. I have been here since the beginning of November to support him, but to be honest I think me being here makes him more and more dependent. And that is putting him in a downward spiral. I asked him this morning to try to make a list of three things every day that he can do (and do them).
The doc visited him a few weeks back and all his vital signs are normal, his blood is ok and he doesn't take any meds apart from a vitamin tablet!
Diazepam does not get handed out freely any more. There must be some rationale behind it, and it certainly isn't obvious to me - it would, for example, not normally be px'ed to someone seeking help with low mood or depression. Did your father report difficulty sleeping or something like that?
What happened three months ago that made you take over as his primary carer? Was there a bereavement, a move, anything in particular?
Recently the doc came again as he had breathing problems but I actually think this is caused by anxiety.
I have always visited for a couple of months a year but in the last year I had to stay longer and this is the longest I have been here.
I am really missing my husband and home but I can't leave him on his own.
He has a carer who comes in three times a week which was sufficient but now I don't think he'd be able to manage on his own. I am an only child and he seems to expect me to stay with him.
However, it's time you let go of trying to direct what he does or doesn't do.
I'm going to share from the other side.
He may not have health issues, from what you can SEE. Yet the body is very achy as you age. Joint pain and general stiffness is very uncomfortable!
And maybe he is giving you a message that he won't be around much longer because he's being intuitive. Maybe talk to him about it why he says that. He may reveal something to you that you don't know. Be curious and supportive.
You cannot make anyone do anything. At some point, elders realize that they are going to die, and verbalizing it is one way of accepting it and not being fearful. This is the last thing that he has power over. Let him do it his way.
Maybe hire someone to help you if you're feeling burned out.
And when you feel anger or frustration with, leave the room, walk it off...and let it go! Change your focus on what you need to do for yourself to stay in balance while he's going through what he's going through.
All the best to you and dad.
And I agree about the anger - I do need to walk it off and let it go as it's starting to impact my health.
I am trying to maintain my balance but as I am sure you know it's not easy.
One thing that I am finding difficult is it is difficult not to absorb his energy.
I can feel it dragging me down. I actually need to be boosting my own energy so I can help him but the 24/7 situation is depleting me.
I understand that Dad feels that I should be there for him but I also know he's frustrated that he cannot do things for himself. This is a very difficult thing for him (and all of us) to face.
Yes, boundaries! It is almost impossible to set boundaries when I am living in 'his' space 24/7 but carving out time for myself so that I don't go downhill is also important. Helping myself to help him.
He would hate the idea of moving to a senior living facility as his home is his safe space.
And yes, the separation is part of my frustration.
Do not serve him meals in his favorite chair. Make him get up and move to the table. Chair exercises are a poor substitute for standing and walking.
I wish I could find something he enjoys doing. I have asked him what he's like to do but I also understand that he thinks his life is coming to an end an doesn't see the point. As one other person said on here, by the time he's got out of bed, got washed and dressed, he is exhausted.
Yes, it is normal to feel frustrated and even lash out in anger. You are not really lashing out at him. You are really lashing out at the situation.
Having been there and now having a 20/20 vision because Mom and Dad are gone, I see these things that you might want to consider: 1) Tell him how you frustrated you feel when you see him like this. 2) Recognize his depression. Get some insight into depression in the elderly. 3) Find out if something is bothering him physically. 4) Get some advice from a mental health professional re: depression and care-giving. 5) Apologize and reconcile when you have a moment like the lashing out. You won't be sorry.
Hope something in there helps... Praying for you.
Six months ago your father had panic attacks. Why? What investigations have been done? Who has lead responsibility for his welfare when you are not in the country? Who is providing the regular carers? Is your father in sheltered housing, on his own in the community, or what?
The thing is: you quite naturally need to get home to your husband, but before you can do that you need to formulate a proper care plan for your father; but in order to do that you need a much clearer picture of what is going on with him. What options are you looking at?
The panic attacks were brought on by worry about a water leak in the house. He could hear it but didn't know what it was. I guess he got worked up about it and one day pressed his care line button. The neighbours were called and then paramedics and as a result the doctor prescribed Diazepam. I came over from Turkey as few days later and as he was still feeling bad and I called the doctor. Yes, it's difficult to get a doctor to call but when they look at Dad's medical records they can see that he never goes to the doctors so the Doc came round immediately.
After that incident the social services came and did an assessment and put a very basic care package in place. (3x 30 mins a week). Due to the financial assessment - although he doesn't have much of a pension, he would have to pay for any care package up to a threshold of £400 a month.
Dad lives on his own in a bungalow with his little dog. He is actually reluctant to pay but I think the time has come for us to discuss this.It is probably time to talk about getting a more substantial care package or putting this in place for 'respite' periods so that I can go back to Turkey.
The final option would be to consider him going into a care home; however, the way things are going with the NHS I am pretty sure that if social services did another assessment, they would not think he needed full time care. He can actually JUST manage to look after himself.
BUT--he's like dragging a horse to the water trough to get him to take care of himself. He has quite a few health issues and one will be the one that takes him-- (liver transplant--14 years in, with a 20-25 year life expectancy---tho he's healthy now, he does think about maybe only having 6+ more years has brought on anxiety and depression)
He had 2 heart attacks last summer. Brought on by never exercising and eating garbage. He was such a jerk as a patient. I literally went to wash my hair about 6 weeks after the 2nd HA and saw that my hair growing in was pure white. Just stress.
He won't socialize. He works, comes home, eats dinner and is in bed with his phone on to Facebook and the TV blaring so loud the walls shake. This is his plan for retirement. Sleep all day. Which he does, all weekend, every weekend. And I don't mean "napping" I mean, he does not get up from Friday at 8 pm until Monday morning.
We've been through SO MUCH. And he is never grateful or happy. He is a complete 180 of the man I married. Never touches me or shows any affection.
Trying so hard to not be angry. I have five WONDERFUL kids on whom I lean as little as possible for love and support. If nothing else came out of this marriage, these kids did and for that, I am grateful.
I did reach out to his psychiatrist whom he will see next week. I am hoping she will up his dose of antidepessants--but I don't have a lot of faith. I'm not sure she even knows he's married, that's how little he cares.
I realize a marriage is a very different dynamic than caring for your father. But the end result is the same. Living with someone who is just crabby and uninvolved is SO hard.
My therapist told me to create a "single woman's" life. I am doing so, slowly, finding things to do that aren't in the least tied to him. Here I am, 62 years old and married to a man who acts like a 90 yo. He's angry, crabby, wants to argue with everyone about politics....and wonders why nobody wants to do things with us.
Anger is a secondary emotion. We feel it when we are frustrated and exhausted and tired and burned out. Finding the true emotion is hard.
My DH suffered from anxiety and panic attacks MANY times. I cannot tell you how many ER runs we did, b/c he always thought he was having a HA. SO when he HAD the heart attack, I kind of blew him off. (MEN don't have anxiety)
I learned to grind up his Valium and put it in a pudding cup or something--wait 1/2 hour and he usually was asleep in that time. I have an anxiety disorder and so I KNOW panic attacks are awful--but they are treatable.
Try to get away, disengage from him as much as possible and try to not take his cranky mood personally. (I need to take my own advice on that).
Bless you---CG is so hard.
If he wants to stay in his home, they will organise support. Yes he will have to pay, up to the stated threshold; but he may be eligible for various benefits and allowances, and in any case the important thing is to get him on the right radar. How long has he been living in this bungalow, and how long has he been registered with the careline?
If it is felt he would do better in a more sheltered and better supported environment, there may be quite a wide range of options short of residential care or a nursing home as such. It depends on where he is, it can be a bit of a post code lottery.
But most of all, get to the bottom of his health. Has he been referred to a geriatrician? Or an older age psychiatrist? His despondency, going by remarks such as "if I'm still here next week," needs addressing. More to the point: what *changed*? He'd been living quite happily with his little dog in his little house until a few months ago: now he's filled with dread and anxiety and can barely get himself out of his chair. You must surely realise better than I do that this isn't about a hidden water leak.
Getting a GP to agree to a home visit requires more than an acceptance that "oh, he never likes coming to the surgery." Do you have full access to his medical history? If the file is really as empty as all that, do you have full confidence in his GP? - 'cos I wouldn't, I can tell you.
This isn't a private GP, is it? Just checking.
I think that what has changed is that his deteriorating mobility has led to him losing confidence and in this state he has gradually started to feel isolated and depressed. Having said that, I am not a doctor.
Your father sound he is given up life, and ready to die soon. Be prepare for that. Did you ask him if he’s in pain Take him to his doctor, and let him be checked out. Maybe, he’s not telling you what’s wrong. Speak to his doctor for next step... Good luck, and hugs.
Don
Don't feel guilty. Let Dad know when you are upset and that he doesn't Need to be Difficult, That YOU are There because you Care.
IT IS OK TO BE ANGRY. RECOGNIZING THAT IS THE FIRST IMPORTANT STEP IN LEARNING TO DEAL WITH YOUR ANGER. I WOULD ENCOURAGE YOU TO SPEAK WITH A COUNSELOR WHO CAN HELP YOU CHANNEL THE ANGER AND DEVELOP SOME STRATEGIES TO HELP HANDLE THE ANGER. YOU MIGHT ALSO TAKE HIM TO SEE A COUNSELOR TO SEE WHAT IS GOING ON.
HAS SOMETHING RECENTLY OCCURED LIKE LOSING A CLOSE FAMILY MEMBER OR FRIENDS? WAS HE GOING OUT SOMEWHERE AND GAVE UP ON THAT? IS THERE ANYTHING HE LIKED TO DO BUT NOW CAN'T?
YOU MIGHT ALSO CHECK WITH LOCAL DEPT. OF AGING TO SEE IF THEY HAVE ANY SUGGESTIONS.
WHO PAYS HIS BILLS, BUYS NEW CLOTHES, DOES TAXES? YOU MIGHT EXPLORE MAKING SURE HE HAS WILL, POA, HEALTH CARE DIRECTIVES
YOU SAY HE HAS NO HEALTH ISSUES - I PRESUME THAT YOU HAVE TAKEN HIM TO A DOCTOR TO MAKE SURE OF THAT?
DO YOU HAVE OTHER FAMILY TO HELP YOU? I PRESUME THAT HE LIVES WITH YOU?
Anyone that says they have not gotten mad at that person they are caring for is...lying.
These are all normal feelings
You feel anger, maybe anger is strong, frustration might be better, at the store clerk that rings up an item wrong, that decides to change the roll of paper just as you are next in line.
Why do we feel that we can not be angry at the person we are caring for? Is there some magic in having XXX condition that makes us think that it is wrong to have "normal" feelings?
The difference is you can not express the anger in a normal way. And on top of that most of the people we here are caring for do not know why we get angry.
What you have to do is change the way you think about what is going on.
If a person breaks a foot there is a cast and you know they can not use stairs, are limited in mobility, maybe can not do all the chores they were doing before.
But if the brain is broken there is no outward sign that there is a problem. so it is easy to forget that there are changes to what this person can and can not do.
While change is difficult for everyone it is much easier to change OUR thinking than to change the thinking of a person who has a broken brain.
So the anger is normal. You have to channel that anger, find a safe way to let off steam and vent the anger. There are a lot of ideas for taking care of the caregiver you just have to find one that works for you. Most important, do not feel guilty about your feelings.
side thoughts..
Your dad may also be depressed to a degree and that can have a profound effect on what he does or does not do.
And you are away from your home, friends...so the feelings you have are compounded. (you list 2 places New York as well as Turkey and your father in England so no matter where you are you are away from home and away from your personal support group.)
Example of my day
Get up get mom washed, dressed and then get her breakfast. If I want to go out I have to hire someone who is able to assist her in changing her depends and getting s snack until I get back. I have to pay $25 an hr. Mom wont gi e me pa and wants to stay home alone, she is on a wzlker and she is a fall risk. My nephew wa gives up his Sunday so I can go to church and stay out as long as I want. I am 72, good health and still want to be active. I am thinking about putting her out, forcing her to assistance living.
Any suggestions.