For the last 3 months I have been caring for my elderly father who is 89 years old. He has no health conditions and doesn't take any meds at all but he is constantly saying things like 'if I am alive next week' or 'If I make it until tomorrow. For the last couple of weeks all he does is get up/ get washed/ dressed and sit in his chair all day.
I can't get him to do anything - not even make a cup of tea. He can actually do things for himself but he is doing less and less. I know he is getting frailer but he won't do any kind of activity and consequently his legs are getting weaker and he is going downhill. He was doing chair exercises but every day he makes excuses and is reluctant to move at all.
I have started to feel very frustrated and today I lashed out at him as the only thing he does is feed his dog but he has even stopped doing that. Now I feel really sorry and I get guilty, but I am just worn out from it all.
Any ideas?
Have you thought of leveling with your dad and have a face to face talk? Tell him this is extremely hard on you and you can’t go on like this much longer. He must do something about his apathy if he loves you. Otherwise he will have to move. Then see what he says. If he wants a cup of tea, tell him where the fixings are and if he wants it badly enough he will make it. So far, he’s got you going ahead and fixing it. You’re not his maid servant. It sounds like he’s quite capable. I assume you’re in the UK because you said "biscuits " for cookies. Can’t you take him to the NHS doctor? You deserve a life. Go with him and be blunt in front of your dad and the doctor and explain this is too much on you.
I am in the UK but I actually live in Turkey with my husband. I have been here since the beginning of November to support him, but to be honest I think me being here makes him more and more dependent. And that is putting him in a downward spiral. I asked him this morning to try to make a list of three things every day that he can do (and do them).
The doc visited him a few weeks back and all his vital signs are normal, his blood is ok and he doesn't take any meds apart from a vitamin tablet!
Also check out the book “Being Mortal, Medicine and what matters in the end” by Atul Gawande. You can google it and get an idea of what it’s about. You might find it helpful for this time in your and dad’s life.
One last thing is if he will eat an egg a day, it will help with frailty. It must be frustrating to be away from your home and husband. Try the cbd oil yourself before you give it to your dad so you can see how subtle the effect is and you will notice it helps relax you as well.
I have been having acupuncture and going to qigong classs to support myself which is helping a bit but it's so full on with Dad. It's probabl the isolation of being with him 24/7 that is starting to get to me.
If he doesn't want to take that, could you crush up a half dose and give it to him in apple sauce or pudding? A lower dose will lessen the side effects and may still help his mood. Then increase it once he is used to it. If he has another panic attack you might try that with the Diazepam.
Mother was canny, and knew right away by the effect on her when they were giving her meds, so she refused them. But it works for some people.
But, you didn't mention what mg the doctor ordered? If it is 5 mg, a very low dose, he won't feel anything at 2.5 mg.
I have been taking 10 mgs 2x a day for severe anxiety. And it works.
But, this drug must stay in his system. Don't skip doses and if he can't toleralate the 2.5 mg, than contact his doctor.
But I will say that in Florida (not to sure on other states), they are reducing the amount of mg's given in order to wean patients off them. It's part of the whole Opiod epidemic. Good luck.
I get why people who are 89 years old might say things about it being near the end. In a way they are right. Can you think of a few ways to put some spark or interest back into the day? I know it's hard, but, sometimes visits from children or long time friends help lift the spirits. Would he be up for a drive to the seashore or a lake? There is really only so much you can do.
I'm of the belief that seniors really have the right to just relax and do what they want as they turn into their 80's and 90's, as long as it's safe. Goodness knows they must be tired. For some people, getting out of bed, bathed and dressed for the day is a big deal. As long as he's content, I'd support his wishes. Maybe, he's content and just resting. I'd try to accept his choices and not impute upon him the way you think he should be behaving. Sometimes, kindness and support can be the best remedy.
A thorough medical check up could be a good thing to rule out any health issues.
Meanwhile, take it easy on yourself. This journey is not over and worse may lie ahead. You can only do what you can do -keep him as safe as possible, nourished, and with proper medical care. He will get frailer eventually no matter how much he does. It is a matter of his age. You need to look after yourself so you can care for him. Good luck!
Now my Mother in Law is 97. She keep asking me WHY AM I ALIVE? So you go over, make sure they are up, dressed. Feed the dog, don't let him neglect the dog. The dog is being more mature than he is! If he sits there all day, he sits there all day. Make sure he is safe. Check for signs of nutrition. Like dirty dishes, or food gone. They play games with you. They say those things for reinforcement that they matter to someone. Turn into a detective. My Mother in Law eats, then gets rid of all the evidence. But I know where to look. Then go home and take care of yourself and your life. You have done your best.
He gets up - sits in his chair - gets dressed - sits in his chair. He does eat but less than usual; loves biscuits and cakes, not so good on protein and vegetables so eats like a kid. I let him eat what he wants as he's always eaten like this and has lived to this age on it.