Hello everyone, I had honestly forgotten how great everyone has been to me on this forum . It's feel wonderful just to hear in a sense "I understand" . I've often felt so completely alone on this journey. The good news is that my mom is doing great, she's become stronger and stronger to the point that she is even moving around through the house without the use of her walker at times. She is not and cannot ever live alone again though, she thinks that could happen but I've had to shut that dream down. I'm really happy, she's no longer hard to take care of Physically. She's had a few stumbles but no more falls in several months now. We also got her back to the doctors and had some tests done. Her kidneys have gotten a little stronger she is by no means out of the woods and it would not take much to send her back downhill toward dialysis. The cyst she had which classified her as terminal has resolved itself so she is no longer "terminal" in that sense.
Me however not so much, I've been trying to handle everything myself emotionally and I've fallen down figuratively getting worse over the last 6-7 weeks. I entered September seemingly on the wrong path. I have begun having some issues with my BP over the last 6 weeks and ended up in the emergency room on Aug. 31 with a mild stroke. Threw me for a loop real quick, never in a million years would I have thought I would have a stroke. I was in the hospital for 3 days and 2 nights. When they sent me home they all but guaranteed me it would happen again unless I make some changes starting with lowering my stress level. I asked my mom to go to a nursing home, she clammed up and never said a word. I tried explaining to her how much I worry about her and how's she going to be taken care of with my health getting bad. Again no response. A couple days later I began feeling unwell again, developed a sinus infection , then a chest cold. I though I had a simple head and chest cold, perhaps bronchitis but not that was not the case. On Sept. 7 I was back in the ER with pneumonia. Once again, 3 days and 2 nights in the hospital. Again I tried to talk to mom about going to a nursing home, told her I was willing to let it be temporary until I can get my health under control. Explained that testing while in the hospital pointed to other potential severe problems; my carotid arteries in my neck are narrowing and a blood test shows a strong possibility of blood clots in my body. My A1C is still over nine so I am potentially a walking time bomb and need to make some changes without too much waiting. I sure can't take care of mom if that second stroke comes and it's a big one that may just end my life. I tried explaining all this to my mom as gently as I can but she either can't or won't process it . Her case manager is working on getting her into the specialist to get her evaluated for dementia but nothing yet. If we get that definitive diagnosis I could potentially force her into a nursing home. I don't want to do that but I feel like that is what she's going to force me to do. Do you think this is something the entire family is going to have to talk to her about? I did think about doing that but I don't want to "gang up" on her. P.S my husband thinks it unnecessary for her to go to a nursing home. he does not understand how emotionally draining it is on me nor how stressful dealing with the silent treatment tantrums and constant judgement of what I'm doing, what and how I'm cooking food. Nothing is ever right. She acknowledges that I have done everything for her but complains about all of it. She says that "we need to do something" but cannot seem to connect the dots as to what we need to do.
You need to take care of your health first. Your A1C is really high and diabetes can bring on a host of other health problems, but you already know that.
It seems that your mother does have some cognitive issues. Whether she needs nursing home or something less, like assisted living can be determined after she has her evaluation.
The bottom line is that you should not take care of her at the expense of your health.
I do know how you feel though. When my mom sleeps in (which is just every now and then) I kind of freak out a little. I imagine that she's dead and can't force myself to go check on her - which I don't want to - and keep busy until she finally comes out of her room. I talk myself off the ledge and refuse to obsess about it even though it crosses my mind.
This reminds me of when we were waiting for DH's liver transplant---a year of incomparable stress and anxiety as he had liver cancer--then the transplant and 4 months of solid caregiving 24/7 with no respite, whatsoever.
He got the 'all clear' and went back to work. First thing he did was take a business trip. I was home alone and fell to pieces. Went to my doc who said "YOU are going to explode if you don't get this stress under control'. DH was not the least supportive and pooh-poohed my perceived illness. HE was the one who'd been sick, not me, why would that affect ME?
That was 15 years ago and he has put me through the wringer many more times since then. Never acknowledges my care of him or the running of our home & family. It's all about him, all the time.
Time for mom to move. You'll die before she does at this rate.
I can handle ANYTHING if there is a word or two of gratitude involved. It's the daily grind that gets me. And the lack of awareness that I also would like to have a life. Sounds like your mom can't do that. It hurts, doesn't it?
Minimally, can you get in home help? So you can de-compress and even maybe take a nap! I am a famous napper, and I know that sleep is the best healer.
((Hugs))
In any event, whatever you decide to do with your mother, it's a good idea to get your health under control now by controlling your sugar/carb intake and lowering your A1C. Stress is another matter, and if it were me, I'd find a way to get mother OUT of the house, period. She doesn't need to 'understand' why, she just needs to live elsewhere. Because any mother that doesn't want to budge after her daughter has been hospitalized 2x recently, doesn't really care about her daughter's welfare at all. She doesn't need to 'connect the dots' as to what needs to happen.........YOU need to connect the dots. Take care of YOUR health first and foremost, and see about making other living arrangements for mother. ASAP.
Best of luck!
A weeks of by himself caregiving reality will probably turn things around. Even better, hire a day caregiver for a week and check into a hotel.
People who love you don't risk your health.
Glad to have you.
When you were in the hospital who took care of Mom? Was she able to stay at home alone?
I suggest you plan more outings for you....lunch with a friend, a manicure, window shop, walk in a park (grocery shopping and doctor's appointments don't count as outings).
Or take Mom out for a drive in the country or to get some ice cream.
Would Mom go to Adult day care?
You may want to get Mom a life alert device (there are several brands) costing about $30 a month.
I truly don't think your Mom understands your health problems. You're there for her and that's all that matters to her.
Most importantly take care of you!!
Best wishes
Your health and well-being has to come first. A social worker can help you find the right kind of housing for your mom. Check with your state's Agency on Aging or the Department of Social Services or the Office of the Ombudsman if your state has one.
We fund these services through the tax dollars we pay and they are here to serve us when we need them. You need help finding the proper housing for your mother. Make them earn their money and help you find it.
First Decide if the real problem is your mom and if you think she could stay if changes were made.
Then write down all the things that would need to change and see if mom is willing to make them.
If husband doesn't think it's necessary for mom to give in a Nursing Home then he should be willing to help you out with mom to give you less to do.
Check with mom's Insurance and see what help they can provide at home.
See if mom can go to Adult Day Care.
You might think about hiring help like a Caregiver a few hrs a week..
Hire a Maid once a week to clean the house.
Order out a couple times a week instead of cooking.
Treat yourself to a massage once a week.
I understand You do have to take care of yourself first, so if nothing above works out then you'll have no choice but to have mom leave.
Prayers
My grandmother was in Memory Care and several of her nurses came to the funeral. My sister worked in a multi level facility and says the residents are treated like royalty. Yes, some are expensive but you pay for what you get!
I just kinda had the thought that when we are asking our loved ones to give us a break and they refuse (actively or passively), maybe it's US who need to put ourselves in some sort of rehab. Take a week or 2 or whatever, find somewhere to go, even if it's a hotel, where we can be away and have some personal time. I'll bet we all (us and our loved ones) would make some startling revelations about our situations if we caretakers just said, "I'm leaving for a week so I can get some much needed rest. Take care!" Of course, I haven't had the fortitude to do that yet -- I go crazy for weeks before the rare occasions I leave town, trying to configure a plan for someone to look after my mother (without my mother knowing everything I'm going through, because I'm afraid it would make her feel bad). Ugh. The tangled nature of caregiving is exhausting.
You have serious health issues. You have had two crises; why are you waiting for the third one? Why is your mother more important than you? So what if she doesn't want to go to a nursing home? You are KILLING yourself taking care of her.
Yes, I am coming on strong, but to me this isn't a case of things gradually getting better. You need immediate removal of caregiving duties now.
Can't you see this?
The second thought is to stress that Respite Care is respite for the CARER, not for the person being cared for. It is exactly what you need now, and your mother’s opinion is NOT the point.
I had been gently pushing her to consider AL for some time and she agreed to visit several options. She picked one and was moved in a few months later. My stress and worry we’re still there but at least I could take breaks and go home.
And honestly, your husband is being a jerk. It's hard to say no to a parent but sounds like it's time to put on your big girl panties and tell Mom it's time to move on. Sure, she's going to be mad at you but at least she won’t be pouting in your house 24/7 and making you miserable. Once she is gone you can control the level of contact you have with her. And get your health back.
My mom has a peg tube, swallowing issues, speech issues, a left leg that she can barely move and a sore partially replaced left hip. It is so much to keep up with and YES it is emotionally draining knowing I have to get her meds to her every 6 hours, wondering if I am monitoring everything I should, being responsible for her meals, laundry and assisting with hygiene, etc., etc.
TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF. This response is for me as well as you. I was in the ER a couple of times last fall from worrying too much while my mom was recovering from her 2nd stroke. I was worried about work AND my mom. And I have two teens who I can't give as much attention as I would like due to mom's needs.
I realized I can't satisfy her, so I can't measure myself based on her responses. I can't save the world or fix everybody else's mistakes either. That's not my burden to carry.
I DO need help even though she thinks I should be able to handle it all on my own. I DO need my own time, hobbies, rest, etc. and it is right for me to protect that. I DO love my mom and take care of her the best I can, and people around me see it and compliment and encourage me from time to time. Most importantly for me, God sees my struggle and my sincere desire to do right by her. He records it all.
God said love your neighbor as you love yourself. So that means LOVE and take care of yourself!
Make arrangements as best you can. You may want to just discuss things with your siblings, but yhat doesn't mean they have to talk to her to try to convince her. They may just support you by listening to your mother and/or trying to present a different point of view when she doesn't agree/ understand. But if they play "Good Cop" and listen to her grievances, that may take some burden off you and appease her a bit. Also hopefully they are willing to listen to you vent or talk things out. It helps me so much when one of my siblings just lets me talk about what's going on.
NOTE: There are concerns about COVID spreading in care facilities right now, but your health situation is life threatening. I encourage you to do what is best for you and trust God to fill in what you can't control (which is more than we think!)
I am retired, single, no kids or grandkids just one elderly parent to deal with. I can’t imagine the stresses you are dealing with so please, feel free to vent here, that is what this forum is for.
You do need to make changes based on your own health needs.
It sounds like your husband doesn't support you in the least.
If you have more serious debilitating health concerns, what will happen to your mother then? will your husband take care of her?
You cannot ask her to go to a nursing home. How many people would eagerly agree to that ... out of 1,000: Answer: 0 / nada / none / zero.
Frankly, if I were you, I'd make arrangements for your mom to get the care she needs and the care you need her to get (for you), and consider if the husband needs to be booted out, too. He isn't helping you at all and may be contributing to your physical, emotional, psychological health. Excuse my bluntness. You have a lot of soul searching to do - and perhaps not a lot of time to make needed decisions - for your own health and well being. Stop being a doormat and put yourself first.
Gena / Touch Matters