She is 93 year old and repeats everything I tell her to do, like " Put on your shoes Mom." she repeats it then asks "on my feet?" If I say she's being silly she get really mad and says I'm being sarcastic. She seems to want to be told everything to do and it's driving me crazy. I have a nagging feeling she is doing it just to engage me and I have tried just leaving the room, asking her to figure it out, and even just answering every question over and over till my brain explodes! Other times she is "normal" especially when visitors or therapists are there. I hate to think she is that manipulative but I've known her a long time and it may be possible. Do you guys always answer "dumb" questions with a smile or does it get to you too?
I can see that. My Mom has lived her life in denial but there was no hiding it when she was starting to slip mentally. Fender benders, not remembering how it happened, forgetting where she parked her car, passing work tasks off to other people because she couldn't remember how to use equipment anymore, etc. She eventually had to admit she knew she was changing so I took her in for a test at the hospital. She failed it pretty badly. Even though I am sure it was a blow to her ego, I told her she was endangering her life as well as others by her refusal to quit driving and working. I am sure if I had not been keeping close tabs on her or lived far away, she would have kept going and there would have been a disaster in some form heading her way. My brothers sort of picked up on it but did not take it seriously, they just thought it was normal for her age to be getting "more forgetful."
My brother actually accused me of getting her to retire, like it was a bad thing, she was 74! I told him they were getting ready to force her to retire and how humiliating it would have been for her to end her life long career as a nurse by being forced out instead of her keeping her dignity intact and bowing out gracefully. I had the inside scoop of her work performance as I was friends with a co-worker of hers so I knew this was a fact. The hard part is determining from day to day her mental competence. Some days she seems to be fine, other days it's like the spaghetti isn't sticking to the wall, she asks the same things even though I just told her 10 minutes before. It's tricky because I do know so well the side of her that has lived in denial most of her life especially with things she did not want to think about or face. So I still battle with, is she purposely forgetting our conversations because she doesn't want to remember, or is it the dementia?
The other day we were out shopping at the grocery, just before we left I brought over a new roll of paper towels and showed them to her and put them on the holder. While at the store, we passed the paper towels and she insisted she needs them. I told her, "Mom, I just gave you a brand new role before we left, do you remember?" Then she just kept saying, "I only have a few sheets left!" I repeated what I told her previously and she replied the same. It just wasn't sinking in at all no matter how many ways I tried to tell her she had a new role. It freaked me out. That was the first time she was not understanding what I was telling her no matter how many ways I tried explaining it. Also, since she has been living with me, (going on 4 years now) she has never had to buy paper towels, TP, sponges, and other stuff I buy in bulk at Costco so I always make sure she has what she needs. That was a first. I then wonder, bad day or is the dementia advancing? It's the wait and see what she will be like today. It is sad to watch and somedays, I am just not in the mood for being asked the same questions over and over and sometimes I get irritated. Then I feel awful.
Before dementia, whenever my mom felt insecure or challenged, she gave the answer that made her sound comptent and in charge. Not necessarily the truth.
As dementia slowly crept in, mom clung to that. In hindsight, the cover-ups were increasing. But the justifications and dismissals sounded just like her old self.
And to komentaightor's point about the eldery using their words to control the people around them -- bingo. My mom's false "I'm fine" and "I don't need XXXXX" and "I know what I'm doing" and "I called the gutter cleaner last week" kept me from knowing how much she was really slipping.
Pretty convenient -- for mom. She did not want me to know the truth. And for the most part, I did not.
I learned a lot of truth by snooping -- while she was alive. That was depressing. The neighbor-helpers mom swore to secrecy started singing like canaries....after she was dead.
And cleaning out her house, oh boy. That's the truth-teller.
Liking attention, she deliberately provoked quarrels between me and a long-standing male friend by refusing to cooperate in any system we set up to keep her living independently at home. She loved it when the two of us quarrelled over her. One day we wised up, and we stopped.
So early-stage Alzheimer patients are able to quickly detect what buttons can be pushed, and they push and push them because it is a way that they control the behaviour of the people who are telling them what to do.
Jeanne, yes what she did to me hurt beyond words but deep down, I think if she truly allowed herself to absorb and face what I told her, she would never feel the same about him & she would have had to make a choice between her two children and just could not bear to do that. I also knew if I left her with either one of them, she would have been put in a home and or financially bled dry. It was also her request to be with me, and even though she turned her back on me when I needed her, I would be no better if I did it to her when she needed me. I will die knowing I did the right thing. No, it isn't easy all the time to smile and pretend all is perfect but Mom is happy she is with me and tells me how lucky she feels all the time.
Patticake, I gather from your response that you are, or were in a similar situation and now know you are not alone! The frustrating world of caring for a parent that often pushes your buttons can wear you down. I am here for you if you want to vent, I would love to hear from you and what you go through, it's comforting to talk to someone that is in similar circumstances. I appreciate everyone's support, thank you!
I would agree with blannie that this is probably the dementia removing the social filters. But dementia or deliberate, you should not have to put up with this from a woman who has turned her back on you repeatedly.
Not so much attention seeking as approval seeking, I think; plus her grasp of even basic routines may be beginning to sleep. I managed not to criticise or rebuke mother - God knows I wish I'd been kinder about other things too - because it's not correctable and you just have to grin and bear it. Play along as cheerfully as you can cope with. If it gets to laughing along with or - ugh - joining in with the conversation with a stuffed elephant at bedtime routine you may find that a step too far. I know I did.
Also, when she begins to need help with more intrusive or unpleasant things, like let you manoeuvre her into a hoist, it quite helps to have childish catchphrases ready that she's familiar with - "skin a rabbit" for taking undervests off, "this little piggy" for hand washing (yes I know it's about toes - but it works fine for hands too), that kind of thing.
You don't have to find it cute or endearing. Just harmless and, later, useful.
Are you still getting plenty of normal, adult conversation with her too?
https://www.agingcare.com/articles/dementia-behavior-manipulation-154554.htm
Another thing some people can be guilty of is pushing buttons. It can be irresistible after they find a button to push. It can be best to act like something doesn't bother us or else they'll do it more and more. There can be a streak of mean in all the sweetness at time.