I have been my mom's caregiver for 8 years. She is now in an assisted living facility. She wants to return to her house but this does not look promising. I have been living in her house for those 8 years. I am living in her house now. It has been very stressful for me. Even though she is in the facility, I am still the one who gets her supplies, makes sure she has her medications, and sets up her doctor's appointments. She is a very negative and toxic person.
I am wondering if she has a case manager, if they may take care of any of those things. I am now looking for work and possibly moving.
And your mom asks YOU because she believes you hold the keys, the solution to the woes she feels at having now to live in LTC.
But the fact is that you are not and cannot be responsible for this, nor can you afford to wrench her out of her current care and create an untenable situation living in the home. This is not something you can fix. Nor can a case manager.
Let us even assume that mom had enormous amounts of money to pay to 24/7 care (we are talking millionS with a capital S here), the management of such care and the problems that fall on you are deadly.
Not everything can be fixed.
You cannot be responsible for your mothers happiness.
Happiness isn't what old age is about. So long as we live as long as we do old age is about loss upon loss upon loss, the final loss being our very minds and any sense of who we are or were.
It is a crucible to go through and to stand witness to as you are doing, and the peace comes only with out deaths.
THAT IS THE HARD TRUTH and I recognize that while it is easy to write, the living of it is beyond painful.
It is my feeling that you don't need now to hire a care manager (tho you are welcome to speak with one anytime and will find them and their costs online). My feeling is that you need a few hours with a good cognitive therapist (none of that online nonsense. They don't get paid much and are worth less). That's the way to come to some peace with the fact that there's no pretty answers anywhere out there to what your mom and you yourself are going through. I wish there was.
I am so sorry. Please come to peace with this. Listen to your mom. Tell her that you understand her pain and you grieve for her and with her, but that there are no other answers now to this.
If you must, then limit your visits. Her brain has formed a pathway now and she sees you and it trips along the same old habitual begging to go home. That is no longer possible. Be matter of fact, let her mourn it her way, and try to switch subjects.
My best to you.
I'm curious because Medicare, as a health care insurance, doesn't pay for a stay in Assisted living (unless it is an approved 10 day respite care situation). Who signed her into the current facility? Does she have a dx of dementia? If she is in a short term care facility for skilled nursing or rehab and was sent there by her physician after a 3 night stay admission in a hospital, Medicare will pay for her stay for the first 20 day provided she is participating and improving. If the staff determines that she requires additional skilled nursing/rehab, traditional Medicare will pay 80% of the costs until day 100. If she has Advantage Medicare the lengths of stay will depend on the individual policy.
You can always hire a geriatric case manager but, in general, they only evaluate the patient and the patient's living quarters. They may make recommendations for supplies but don't go to get them. Sounds like you may be thinking of a caregiver who might (depending on the contract) pick up supplies, fix food, do laundry etc. Depending on your state, a caregiver who administers meds, versus someone who simply reminds her to take her meds, may need a different license and so will be a bit more expensive.
f she is in a STR (short term rehab) facility, they have a responsibility to discharge to a safe environment. She has a house to go to but may not be safe. You can meet with the administrator and voice your concerns and tell them that you are moving shortly (not sure if you mentioned if you have PoA). Unless she has quite a bit of money, she will need to apply for Medicaid for a stay in a long term care facility. Medicaid will do a 3-5 year look over the shoulder to make sure she has not gifted money to anyone in order to qualify; at some point, the house will need to be sold so that Medicaid can recoup the funds they have spent on her care in the facility. If you haven't keep good records of her expenses in the past - start NOW!! Once she is in an LTC, facility they will get all the supplies she needs and will order her meds and actually administer them because they have certified nursing staff 24/7. Medicaid generally will pay only for shared accommodations, so she will have a "roomie" whether she likes it or not.
You are right to consider getting a job because you need to start saving for your own "old age" because social security alone will not suffice and Medicare, while good, is not free.
Good luck on this part of your journey.
If you aren’t her PoA and she is has enough cognitive decline you should have this discussion with the facility admins and/or social services for that county. If you remove yourself completely this allows social workers to come in to assess her situation. Eventually she can be assigned a court-appointed guardian who will manage all her affairs and you can just have whatever relationship with her that you want, minus the oversight and responsibilities.
However, you won’t be allowed to live in her house anymore. So, you have a solution…you just have to be willing to accept it.
I would go to the administration of your mother's care facility to discuss all of this with her.
As to returning her to her home I think that is not a good idea.
I encourage you to now begin to remove as much of this from your shoulders as you are able to.
You may still live in your mother's home, and you say your children are grown, but you need now to know that if Mom is on Medicaid then there may be clawback upon her death to recover assets she currently has in her home.
You should see an elder law attorney to ascertain where you stand in all this, and then make decisions for your own future, one of which is to attempt to work as hard as you can as much as you can to save up a nestegg for the time you, yourself may be in need.
I sure wish you the best.
I will talk to the facility but it will probably cost my mom more in the services that I am doing for the facility to pick those up. She is on Medicare.