My mom is 78 and gets around pretty well. She still drives (although she’s had a couple of minor fender benders.) I do take her various doctors appointments most of the time but she does drive herself as well. Her mind is good except for being a little forgetful and mixing up her appointments sometimes. She lives alone in a large home with a big yard. The house is always needing repairs and the yard is never ending, the lawn needs mowing and due to all the trees there are tons of leaves to get up. My husband has been taking care of the yard work and usually fixes minor things around the house when he can. Every time we go to visit she has a list of things that she needs or WANTS done. She calls often to ask for us to do this or that and it’s always like an emergency to her. She loves to plant flowers, watch and feed the birds in her yard and is fantastic at making pound cakes. I’m thrilled she enjoys these hobbies. However, she lets all other chores go. She used to be so particular about how tidy her home was. Now it’s so messy and cluttered. She will say “I need someone to clean for me” or “I need someone to iron clothes for me” etc.... so I know she realizes that these things need to be done. It’s like she only wishes to do things that she enjoys and expects me to do the other things. I have tried talking to her several times about downsizing to a small apartment so that she won’t have the responsibilities that her large home requires. She won’t even discuss it. My feeling is if she’s able to bake cakes and plant flowers then she can clean her own house. Am I wrong? Where do my responsibilities end? I feel used and unappreciated. She has actually called crying and screaming that nobody will do anything for her and nobody cares about her. We’ve found a handyman who is reliable and honest and she’s hired him for a couple of odd jobs but I don’t think she wants to pay for any work, she expects us to do it for free. Any advice on how to handle this?
You could try it from the other end - find the more suitable, easier to maintain place that might be ideal for her first, and then say "wow look at this!"
You've already begun the list of must-haves, including somewhere for her to garden and a proper working kitchen. Now for the research into retirement communities that don't expect older people to sit in a chair all day and do nothing for themselves - I think and hope you'll be pleasantly surprised :)
Meanwhile, for you and DH, boundary building; and I'd suggest the list approach. Start writing down each task she asks you to help with for the next couple of weeks or month, and then when you have the conversation with her about the amount of support she needs and the effort that keeping up her house demands of both her and you, you'll be able to show her in black and white. The bottom line is "this is too much." She can save her energy for a more enjoyable and more productive later life.
Why cause resentment in my kids keeping this old place & the garden going. For what?
"facade that shes living independently" as Lealonnie said so well.
So that's the first step. Looking clearly at the picture here. Mom may be living alone, but is not completely independent.
Why? Well that's what I'd look at next.
What health issues are going on. Are mobility, depression issues? Diabetes, heart? Is there a some cognitive decline?
It appears she would benefit from some home help services, as you can't do it all. That's common sense. If you have a chat & point this out - what's her reply?
Although you mean well you are enabling her. My late MIL was fine with
having my husband go onto her roof. When he nearly electrocuted himself trying to fix something he shouldn't I blew a fuse telling her he was not going to die doing repairs on her house.
Sone time later he drove her away to AL and she never saw the house again as she lived 7 hours away. We felt sad at times for her but there was nothing else we could do. The next door neighbor and her bank had become inadvertently her babysitters. We hired help and she alienated them.
We have been through the wringer with both our mothers. I literally felt that life was pointless at times clearing their stuff. It was short lived. They just exhausted me so. My MIL was much older so we were still raising teenagers. I remember the time we came back from VA to NY after "a" dealing with my MIL's house and my clueless mother had been unaware that my then oldest wiild child had a beer party downstairs. That was the last time I was able to help my husband so he brought way too much stuff home and I then had to sort through it.
It was also painful to have to throw out so much vintage clothing that had mold. Years earlier she had refused to let me have these items.
I am sure you are making your best choices. I just recommend doing what is easiest sooner than later.
Stop doing things for your mother, just tell her it's impossible for you or your husband to squeeze ONE more thing into your busy schedule. But you'd be happy to put her in touch with Merry Maids and a handyman service and whatever other services she requires. All she has to do is say the word and you'll be happy to help her sell the big house and downsize to a smaller and more manageable place that will be cheaper to maintain in the long run. If she moves to a senior living residence, they'll even include weekly housekeeping in the monthly rent.
In the meantime, she can retire that iron and use permanent press clothing and sheets, like everyone else!
The only way she'll see the light is when you stop doing for her and she's faced with the truth. Let her get angry and scream.....the calls can go to voicemail. She's being unreasonable and unwilling to separate needs from wants, which is imperative now. Getting old means many things must change, whether we want them to or not. Even though I WANT to sit cross legged on the floor and play with my grandchild, I can't. I accept that fact and make the necessary adjustments, like it or not.
Stick to your guns and don't falter. Let mom see and FEEL that the house is too much and she can't handle it anymore, and understand it's not YOUR job to run HER household.
Good luck!
I'd say the difference between the activities she did and those she didn't do was that all with the exception of a weekly grocery trip, everything she did she could do sitting down. That's not the case with housekeeping.
Your mom plants flowers what, once or twice a year? Puttering around the kitchen baking cakes doesn't require a lot of walking, so I'm guessing that's a big part of why she isn't taking care of her house too much. It's a big job, as you know.
I think it's fair that you offer two options -- she pays a housekeeper to come weekly or biweekly, or she leaves her house to be less tidy than she's accustomed to. You can't always drop everything and be there to do it, nor should you be expected to.
Even if she moves to a smaller place, she'll still need her house cleaned, so that doesn't seem to be the main issue here. It's whether you are the one to do it.
Older people have a very hard time with change, so if she's otherwise able to stay in her house and there are no safety issues for her, I vote for hiring people, but I don't think it's realistic to expect her to be able to clean her own house just because she plants flowers and bakes cakes.