Is there a list of Caregiver things to do?

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Is there a list of Caregiver things to do?

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My Mom lives out of state from me and her sister & her husband have been caregivers for past couple of years while her health has been declining. I have offered for her to come live with me several times (as her only child), but she hates cold weather and refuses. Now she has damaged her younger sister's health to the point that I will have to bring her to live with me whether she likes it or not. She is 'very high maintenance' (mentally, emotionally and physically) and it will be an issue to even transport her from Florida to my state over 500 miles away because of her health (will probably have to use an ambulance to transport). I need to know if there is a list of things I need to get done before I arrange for the move, legal stuff that needs completed and how to handle it all. Is there such a list?

Care Decisions Elder Law Moving

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You say that your mom has "damaged" her previous caregivers health, and so now you want to take her on and damage your health as well??? Really??? Stop and think about that for a minute(or 2). You also say that she is "very high maintenance(mentally, emotionally and physically)". Do you really think that you are prepared to deal with all that? Just because you are the "only child", doesn't mean that you are required to care for your mom in your home. You can still care for her from afar, by finding the appropriate facility for her to now be placed in, in Florida, where she will have people that are trained "caregivers" look after her, and where their health won't be damaged, because she will have many people looking after her, instead of just one, you. I hope and pray that you will think long and hard before making the decision to move mom to your home, because once she's there, you become her 24/7 caregiver, and life as you once knew it, is over. There is nothing easy about that, as her sister can now attest to, so please do what's best for you first, then your mom. Good luck.

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Great reply!

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You say that your Mother has “damaged” her sisters health and Mom needs to come live with you. I don’t mean to be rude in asking this question but have you ever provided 24 hour care for someone especially someone that seems very medically and possibly mobility needy?

I strongly caution you against bringing her to live with you. Your life as you know it and freedom to do as you choose, autonomy or even piece of mind will be gone not to mention the physical toll it will take on your body.

I beg you to reconsider. I say this from a place of care and concern. I provide full care for my husband and developmentally disabled adult stepdaughter. Being their caregiver has drained me completely and changed my life. You don’t bounce back from these things. Prayerfully decide because your life matters too❤️ Best of luck to you

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Go visit your mother and be her caregiver for a month. Spend a week learning the job from your Aunt, then let them go on a vacation, a hotel in Florida or your place in the frozen north.

After a month you will know if you are able to do 24/7 care. Take some time with your Aunt and get your mother's legal issues in place. Get a level of care assessment done so if you move her to a care facility it is the right degree of care.

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This is a great idea! A month as your mother's caregiver will really deepen your understanding of what's involved with your mom's care, especially if she is high maintenance. As soon as possible get POA for finances and health (bonus points for a living will) so you can act for her benefit when she can't. This is especially critical for travel and doctors. A diagnosis will give you a much better idea as to her trajectory as well as the kind of care she needs now and later, and living with her will give you information to give to the doctor. She's likely to say nothing is wrong with her. Few primary care doctors can do this so an appointment with a geriatric medicine doctor or neurologist would be the most efficient way to go. A diagnosis could also open doors to other services as well. can Also keep in mind that moving a person like her can be disorienting. I would even consult with a geriatric social worker to see what else you need to consider for the move. If she damaged your aunt's health she can damage yours too. Don't underestimate this. I think the majority of people on this forum who took in a loved one with serious issues or deficits into their home, or moved into their's, really came to regret it. Not because they didn't care but because it takes a tremendous amount reserve energy to take care of someone with these issues and sometimes there's little left to them.

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I'm a 24/7 caregiver, it's a night mare. It's like putting yourself in prison. Now I'm trying to make a plan out of this, and have a professional help dad.

Like the other poster said, a care facility has more people who are professionals. Try to find the right one for your mom.

Wish you all the best

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my life would be a nightmare if I did what you did. Please help yourself to be able to live your own life and find AL. You owe it to yourself. We only get 1 life to live. Best choice I ever made. Now I sleep at night and do not have nightmares any longer.

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If she has "damaged" the health of her sister and her husband and she is " very high maintenance" and it will be difficult to transport her I think the first thing that should be on the caregivers list is ..Why are you going to bring her to live with you?
You don't think she will damage your health? You don't think she will damage any sort of life you have right now? You do net mention your life..a family? a job?, friends?, hobbies? You do realize this will be taken from you.
Move her closer to you if you think that is best but Assisted Living might be a safer option. Safer both physically and mentally.
If she truly hates the cold and she has a network of people where she is now Assisted Living there in Florida might also be an option.
Now to answer your original question.
"Is there a Caregivers List of Things to do?
The answer is yes but the list might be different for each of us. But no matter what is on the list the Number 1 item is the same.
1) TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF FIRST. you can not help anyone if you're not at your best

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Amen! So true!

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Gardenartist is right on the money. Consider carefully whether this is the right thing to do. You are not obligated to ruin your health physical and emotional for your mother. You suggested she is doing that to her sister. If she doesn't want to leave the warm climate of Florida ( my state of residence) there are wonderful facilities who are excellent and managing the COVID crisis here the resident are the first to be offered the vaccine so that it a good reason not to let that concern take a higher priority in deciding where she should live if she had to be in assisted or skilled nursing.
Regardless of your decision to move her or let her remain with your aunt there will come a time when she might need more care than either you you could possibly handle. Please seek an elder care attorney at once and find out what you need to do to protect assets or gain POA before you do anything. I'm not sure but I believe each state is different for asset protection and where she resides may dictate the choice of attorney...
I just finished my journey of caregiver when my stepmom (whom I loved) passed away last week and let me say, I don't think I would ever do it again. She was high maintenance and the child/parent relationship or your past can become a monster in the present. It's a personal opinion, but it sounds like it would be relevant to you and your health.
Blessings to you

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1a. See an attorney. Get all legal needs in order, including finances.

1b. It is my belief that if you can afford an ambulance for that distance (if no insurance), you might be able to afford a private studio apt or some other accommodations. It wouldn't surprise me if that long of a ride cost around $40,000 - knowing how much a local 15-20 minute ride costs.

1c. Consider - seriously consider - moving mom to a care facility. I know it is an awful time due to Covid. However, consider how this move will affect you/r health and well being. It is NOT selfish to take care of YOURself. It is self-less to be available to care for her.

3. While she may be (used to being) high maintenance, you will need to set boundaries and keep to them (otherwise, she will manipulate you - which could be a life long pattern - relationship). If you DO NOT, it will affect your health, and relationship with her.

3a. Expect her to be frustrated, angry, mad. If you expect it, you can prepare how you will respond and feel and what you will do:

* 3a (1) acknowledge her feelings "I understand you feel xxx." Then stop. Do not explain as this is guilt talking.

* 3a (2) Practice / role play how she might respond with another so you will be prepared.

* 3a (3) Visualize: When you get ignited, and you will, visualize yourself taking a break by leaving - for a minute or 10 minutes. Focus on your breath, visual giving her - and yourself -compassion for the situation. And, in real time, do it.

4. [Almost] Last, copy and paste many of these suggestions here into one list for yourself and prioritize needs and possibilities - with a time line.

5. Consider IF it is absolutely necessary to move her now, during Covid - or if you might be able to wait until more of us / the country is vaccinated - during summer or into the Fall.

I have to copy "Grandma 1954 answer. After you read this list, write down your responses. Do that for a few days and see if they change.

I feel Grandma here is 200% right on:

If she has "damaged" the health of her sister and her husband and she is " very high maintenance" and it will be difficult to transport her I think the first thing that should be on the caregivers list is ...

Why are you going to bring her to live with you?

You don't think she will damage your health?

You don't think she will damage any sort of life you have right now?

You do net mention your life..

a family?

a job?

friends?

hobbies?

You do realize this will be taken from you?

Move her closer to you if you think that is best but Assisted Living might be a safer option. Safer both physically and mentally.

If she truly hates the cold and she has a network of people where she is now Assisted Living there in Florida might also be an option.
Now to answer your original question: "Is there a Caregivers List of Things to do? The answer is yes but the list might be different for each of us.

But no matter what is on the list the Number 1 item is the same.

1) TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF FIRST.
You can not help anyone if you're not at your best

Gena [and Grandma 1954 without permission to copy and paste].

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Thank you so much for this list.....it is what I am looking for - part of it. I have copied this list into a Word document I'm keeping. We are on hold moving her right now.....but if my Aunt's health worsens - I will have no choice as there is no one else to care for my Mom but me. We are concerned if she will even be able to make the trip or if it will make things worse for her. As for the ambulence.....my husband is Paramedic and we can possibly arrange it for a lot less than $40,000 (probably more like $10,000 for one of the older units). I am compiling a list of things that need to be done so I will be prepared when the day comes. I really appreciate your list.....it helps tremendously. Thank You.

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Having my mother here wrecked me in 8 short weeks. I was incapacitated.
I am in Florida. My mother is in a LOVELY Assisted Living, in their Memory Care side.
We are able to visit 2x/week. Telephone calls, Zoom meetings, and window visits are always available.
I am in constant contact with her caregivers, by text, email, and phone calls.
There are other answers beside taking your mom to be cared foe in your home.
Best wishes.

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I want to thank everyone for their comments and suggestions. The move has been delayed for now but is inevitable eventually as we cannot put her in assistance facility (nursing home) in Florida due to complications down there. However, we can put her in one up here once I get all legal, medical, and financial issues resolved as that would be best. A facility of this nature would have more staff to take care of her and provide for her issues, but she wouldn't last long in one because she would give up. It is her desire to come live with me when her sister can no longer take care of her…..when she has become too much physically to handle. There are more issues than what I originally stated to deal with and consider. I just needed to know if there was a list to help me get started with the process. Everything that has been stated in the comments and suggestions is helpful and true…..and I greatly appreciate the insight. Sometimes however we have to do what is needed even when we don't want to do it. If she lives very much longer, I will have no choice but to bring her from Florida and to my state to live…..but that doesn't necessarily have to mean she will reside in my home. It just means I need to take responsibility for her and relieve my Aunt of the burden. I just need to know where to start the process of moving her from one state to another. Thank you all for the input.

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An elder law attorney would be an excellent person to consult about the process of moving, and they may have other resources for you to check. Sometimes there are promises we made and then there's reality. An analogy would be a parent promising to pay their child's college tuition and becoming disabled and not being able to work, needing the funds for a catastrophic event...I think when a parent says they want their daughter to always take care of them, they don't want to be forgotten, ignored or unloved. Getting old and losing independence and meaning is scary. Practice setting boundaries. Those often go out the window when caregivers are tired and keep putting their needs last. Then there's nothing left.

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At the top of your "list" is getting durable power of attorney both medical and financial and making sure her important end-of-life paperwork (living will, will) are in order. Taking responsibility for anyone without having authority is a bad idea. You need to understand her complete medical and financial picture. You need to know how much she can afford to pay toward a medical ambulance, care home, or if you do move your "very high maintenance" mother into your home, how much she can pay toward hiring in-home help.

Another thing at the top of your "list" if you do move your "very high maintenance" mother into your home is the setup in your home. Do you have a raised toilet? Is your bathroom large enough to accommodate a wheelchair and shower chair? Do you need a hospital bed? What are her dietary and medication needs?

Because you are asking for a list it seems to me that you believe such transitions neatly follow a list where you check things off and say "Done!' and that's just not how it happens.

Your mother's needs are only going to increase.

Is there a list of Caregiver things to do?

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