Is there a list of Caregiver things to do?

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Is there a list of Caregiver things to do?

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My Mom lives out of state from me and her sister & her husband have been caregivers for past couple of years while her health has been declining. I have offered for her to come live with me several times (as her only child), but she hates cold weather and refuses. Now she has damaged her younger sister's health to the point that I will have to bring her to live with me whether she likes it or not. She is 'very high maintenance' (mentally, emotionally and physically) and it will be an issue to even transport her from Florida to my state over 500 miles away because of her health (will probably have to use an ambulance to transport). I need to know if there is a list of things I need to get done before I arrange for the move, legal stuff that needs completed and how to handle it all. Is there such a list?

Care Decisions Elder Law Moving

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If mom is competent there is nothing you can do to force a move. See if there is a geriatric care manager in her area that would help coordinate everything for her.

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You say that your mom has "damaged" her previous caregivers health, and so now you want to take her on and damage your health as well??? Really??? Stop and think about that for a minute(or 2). You also say that she is "very high maintenance(mentally, emotionally and physically)". Do you really think that you are prepared to deal with all that? Just because you are the "only child", doesn't mean that you are required to care for your mom in your home. You can still care for her from afar, by finding the appropriate facility for her to now be placed in, in Florida, where she will have people that are trained "caregivers" look after her, and where their health won't be damaged, because she will have many people looking after her, instead of just one, you. I hope and pray that you will think long and hard before making the decision to move mom to your home, because once she's there, you become her 24/7 caregiver, and life as you once knew it, is over. There is nothing easy about that, as her sister can now attest to, so please do what's best for you first, then your mom. Good luck.

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Great reply!

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I'm a 24/7 caregiver, it's a night mare. It's like putting yourself in prison. Now I'm trying to make a plan out of this, and have a professional help dad.

Like the other poster said, a care facility has more people who are professionals. Try to find the right one for your mom.

Wish you all the best

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my life would be a nightmare if I did what you did. Please help yourself to be able to live your own life and find AL. You owe it to yourself. We only get 1 life to live. Best choice I ever made. Now I sleep at night and do not have nightmares any longer.

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Sunny, I truly and honestly think the first list is to re-examine why you feel the need to step in where others are now leaving, and to seriously consider the advice you've been given.

I understand your desire to care for your mother, but it seems as though she can be so demanding and such a handful that others have tried and given up. So the first issue is, I think, how you could succeed where others have failed? I.e., what can be done differently, if that's possible?

If you do want to go ahead with the move, you should find an estate planning or elder law attorney with several years of experience to create end of life documents, as well as powers of attorney to address other issues.    A caregiver agreement is also a possibility.

Beyond that, you'll need to file change of address forms with the USPO, terminate all her local accounts (i.e., utility, etc.), find a reliable bank and create an account that's jointly held, research and locate medical facilities that could accommodate her specific conditions, especially during the Pandemic, arrange for MOW if appropriate.

Will you have to make accommodations to your home? If so, start searching for contractors, and this will not be easy during the pandemic.

Consider each of her physical conditions as well as how you might have to adapt your home, i.e., do you need to get a ramp built, grab bars installed, etc.?

Perhaps you could imagine you're her, and think of what the daily life would be like, and which aspects need to be addressed and how to do that.

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I want to thank everyone for their comments and suggestions. The move has been delayed for now but is inevitable eventually as we cannot put her in assistance facility (nursing home) in Florida due to complications down there. However, we can put her in one up here once I get all legal, medical, and financial issues resolved as that would be best. A facility of this nature would have more staff to take care of her and provide for her issues, but she wouldn't last long in one because she would give up. It is her desire to come live with me when her sister can no longer take care of her…..when she has become too much physically to handle. There are more issues than what I originally stated to deal with and consider. I just needed to know if there was a list to help me get started with the process. Everything that has been stated in the comments and suggestions is helpful and true…..and I greatly appreciate the insight. Sometimes however we have to do what is needed even when we don't want to do it. If she lives very much longer, I will have no choice but to bring her from Florida and to my state to live…..but that doesn't necessarily have to mean she will reside in my home. It just means I need to take responsibility for her and relieve my Aunt of the burden. I just need to know where to start the process of moving her from one state to another. Thank you all for the input.

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An elder law attorney would be an excellent person to consult about the process of moving, and they may have other resources for you to check. Sometimes there are promises we made and then there's reality. An analogy would be a parent promising to pay their child's college tuition and becoming disabled and not being able to work, needing the funds for a catastrophic event...I think when a parent says they want their daughter to always take care of them, they don't want to be forgotten, ignored or unloved. Getting old and losing independence and meaning is scary. Practice setting boundaries. Those often go out the window when caregivers are tired and keep putting their needs last. Then there's nothing left.

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Please contact the Department of Aging in your area. They should be able to assist you

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Gardenartist is right on the money. Consider carefully whether this is the right thing to do. You are not obligated to ruin your health physical and emotional for your mother. You suggested she is doing that to her sister. If she doesn't want to leave the warm climate of Florida ( my state of residence) there are wonderful facilities who are excellent and managing the COVID crisis here the resident are the first to be offered the vaccine so that it a good reason not to let that concern take a higher priority in deciding where she should live if she had to be in assisted or skilled nursing.
Regardless of your decision to move her or let her remain with your aunt there will come a time when she might need more care than either you you could possibly handle. Please seek an elder care attorney at once and find out what you need to do to protect assets or gain POA before you do anything. I'm not sure but I believe each state is different for asset protection and where she resides may dictate the choice of attorney...
I just finished my journey of caregiver when my stepmom (whom I loved) passed away last week and let me say, I don't think I would ever do it again. She was high maintenance and the child/parent relationship or your past can become a monster in the present. It's a personal opinion, but it sounds like it would be relevant to you and your health.
Blessings to you

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If she has "damaged" the health of her sister and her husband and she is " very high maintenance" and it will be difficult to transport her I think the first thing that should be on the caregivers list is ..Why are you going to bring her to live with you?
You don't think she will damage your health? You don't think she will damage any sort of life you have right now? You do net mention your life..a family? a job?, friends?, hobbies? You do realize this will be taken from you.
Move her closer to you if you think that is best but Assisted Living might be a safer option. Safer both physically and mentally.
If she truly hates the cold and she has a network of people where she is now Assisted Living there in Florida might also be an option.
Now to answer your original question.
"Is there a Caregivers List of Things to do?
The answer is yes but the list might be different for each of us. But no matter what is on the list the Number 1 item is the same.
1) TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF FIRST. you can not help anyone if you're not at your best

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Amen! So true!

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I am a 24/7 family caregiver for my mom whom I live with, and to echo what Lvnsm1826 said, it is indeeed a "nightmare" and your life as you knew it will be over once you take this on. I have my reasons for choosing this path, as I'm sure you do too, so I can say that it is doable. I agree 100% with the specific recommendations of previous posters like Gardenartist about seeking an elder law attorney and of consulting with a geriatric care manager as well, as these people specialize in most if not all things eldercare that you'll need to work on. Essentially, you'll be building a team that will help you be the best caregiver possible.

Additionally, find and connect now with caregiver support groups/caregiver advocacy orgs in your area so that you can be in contact and communicate with other social workers and caregivers who 'know the ropes'. (For example, I'm in NYC, and because my mom has Dementia, I actively participate with local orgs that focus on this illness like CaringKind, Alzheimer's Assoc. NYC Chapter, and Parker Jewish Institute's Willing Hearts Helpful Hands.) Places like these have ongoing virtual &/or phone support group meetings as well as offer other resources and events (e.g., trainings, educational workshops, videos, books, etc.) to help you in this new role. The other caregivers that participate in these groups/orgs have a collective wealth of knowledge ready to share with you, and these folks will also become your lifeline, your confidants, and friends in this difficult, isolating, and often very lonely journey. AgingCare is exactly one of these excellent resources that you should be tapping in to, so you're starting off on the right foot with your post here. Wishing you all the best!

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I think is great that you are willing to try taking care of your mom.
Yes. being a Caregiver is something one does not understand until they do it and sime handle it better than others.

I think it's fine to want your mom to live with you but you will need some outside Care help so you won't get burnt out and you'll still have a life.

My 96 yr old Dad wanted to stay in his own home and I promised him he wouldn't have to go to a home, which he wouldn't last any time.

All the other people who answered you about putting your mom in a home is just chasing the easy way out.
Hpmes are only nice on the outside, they show and tell you what you want to see and here and it's usually not what's going on for real.
If the Elderly living there cause any trouble at all, they are put on medication which turns them in to a quiet zombie.
My Dad needs help to remind him while eating and Nursing Homes just don't have enough employees to sit with one person for an hour so they'll just end up saying the loved one doesn't eat and offer a feeding tube.

My Dad has Dementia and if you're put in a home with that. You really wouldn't ladt and the awful thing is you can't remember to report abuse that does take place.

Most Seniors don't live long when they are put in homes, they are sad, feel unloved, scared, lonely and lose their will to live.

Also they are over medicated to kerp them docile.

In regards to getting things ready for your mom, if she has her mental faculties, start by having the paperwork signed that you are responsible for her and will make all medical and financial decisions for her and have her add your name to all Bank Accounts.

Line up a Dr for her in your area beforehand.

You'll be able to find all the info you need On Line.

500 miles is a long trip by ambulance?

Are you sure you couldn't fly down there and have her fly back with you?

Prayers for you and your mom.

Juse make sure to hire Caregiver help and install cameras so you can keep an eye on things while you're away.

I had my son install Nest Cameras for my Dad since he has 24 7 Caregivers and he has short term memory like maybe 5 minutes and can't tell me if and how something happened to him.

Ir's great to be able to check on him using my computer or cell phone and the nedt cameras are easy to set up.

Praters to both you and your mom.

Juse remember, if things don't work out with you, you know you tried and thst's all one can expect.

A Senior Home should be the very last resort if the loved one doesn't have any family willing to help and it's the easy way out.

People dhould remember that fir several years their parents took care of them so the least they can do is make an effort to try before unloading them to a facility.

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How about we all decide that it’s only right and fair to judge “homes” one at a time and not lump them all into one category of being bad? Accusing them all of drugging residents to make them docile is a pretty hefty accusation, one I’m quite sure cannot be backed up. Our family was in the nursing home my mother lived in daily, at varying hours, and didn’t witness neglect or abuse. There were combative residents, and they remained combative, so pretty sure they weren’t drugged in calmness.
Let's also remember that there are situations where in home care is not possible and judging families for choosing the best among sad and heartbreaking options is cruel and wrong

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Definitely find out how her sister has her own home set up to care for your mom. Do they use potty chair by the bed, does mom need an adjustable bed to raise head/feet. Can mom walk to bathroom - how far is it? Does she need help with bathing - you might need bath chair. Are your doors wide enough to get a walker through every room - you might need to do a little remodeling work. Set up a room for her that is the straightest shot to bathroom even if you have to fix an area in another room (living room, den, dining area). Be sure to take furniture that she uses all the time - recliner chair, mattress, etc. It is very difficult for a person to adjust to a new chair and especially a new mattress.

If mom is of sound mind, call an elder attorney to get POA paperwork, medical POA etc, done BEFORE you make the move. A 500 mile move that she does not want to make has the possibility of altering her brain. Make sure you are added to bank account(s) so you can pay her bills out of her account. Do NOT transfer any money into your own account to handle finances for her - if you don't have an acceptable papertrail of her finances and have to apply for Medicaid bed for her at some point, it may be considered gifting money to you. An elder atty in Florida can advise you and get you in charge of her needs - if her mind is still intact.

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I would make sure you have a power of attorney, of course she’d have to cooperate on that. Otherwise you might need to have her deemed incompetent by a court so you can make decisions on her behalf. Other then that I’d start looking into your options for respite care right now and have that in place beforehand. This was my number one sanity saver when I cared for my dad. Based on his income we were also able to get several hours a week paid for by the state. I’d also prepare your home in anyway you need for handicap access (wheelchair ramp, grab bars, toilet lift, shower bench, handicap parking permit) These were all things I needed as a caregiver.

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At the top of your "list" is getting durable power of attorney both medical and financial and making sure her important end-of-life paperwork (living will, will) are in order. Taking responsibility for anyone without having authority is a bad idea. You need to understand her complete medical and financial picture. You need to know how much she can afford to pay toward a medical ambulance, care home, or if you do move your "very high maintenance" mother into your home, how much she can pay toward hiring in-home help.

Another thing at the top of your "list" if you do move your "very high maintenance" mother into your home is the setup in your home. Do you have a raised toilet? Is your bathroom large enough to accommodate a wheelchair and shower chair? Do you need a hospital bed? What are her dietary and medication needs?

Because you are asking for a list it seems to me that you believe such transitions neatly follow a list where you check things off and say "Done!' and that's just not how it happens.

Your mother's needs are only going to increase.

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Just to add to what people have said, I'd consult an eldercare lawyer. Laws differ from state to state. I'd also contact local banks, as some banks require their own paper work in addition to Power of Attorney documents. (We had to deal with that.) POA will also help regarding talking to docs. I, too, am an only child, so I can empathize. I'd also investigate local doctors beforehand, so when your mom needs one, you're not scrambling to find one. I'd also consult her current docs, to see if they have any recommendations regarding transport. Good luck.

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everything. you do everything.

didn't read the whole thread but sorry if someone else said this.

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1a. See an attorney. Get all legal needs in order, including finances.

1b. It is my belief that if you can afford an ambulance for that distance (if no insurance), you might be able to afford a private studio apt or some other accommodations. It wouldn't surprise me if that long of a ride cost around $40,000 - knowing how much a local 15-20 minute ride costs.

1c. Consider - seriously consider - moving mom to a care facility. I know it is an awful time due to Covid. However, consider how this move will affect you/r health and well being. It is NOT selfish to take care of YOURself. It is self-less to be available to care for her.

3. While she may be (used to being) high maintenance, you will need to set boundaries and keep to them (otherwise, she will manipulate you - which could be a life long pattern - relationship). If you DO NOT, it will affect your health, and relationship with her.

3a. Expect her to be frustrated, angry, mad. If you expect it, you can prepare how you will respond and feel and what you will do:

* 3a (1) acknowledge her feelings "I understand you feel xxx." Then stop. Do not explain as this is guilt talking.

* 3a (2) Practice / role play how she might respond with another so you will be prepared.

* 3a (3) Visualize: When you get ignited, and you will, visualize yourself taking a break by leaving - for a minute or 10 minutes. Focus on your breath, visual giving her - and yourself -compassion for the situation. And, in real time, do it.

4. [Almost] Last, copy and paste many of these suggestions here into one list for yourself and prioritize needs and possibilities - with a time line.

5. Consider IF it is absolutely necessary to move her now, during Covid - or if you might be able to wait until more of us / the country is vaccinated - during summer or into the Fall.

I have to copy "Grandma 1954 answer. After you read this list, write down your responses. Do that for a few days and see if they change.

I feel Grandma here is 200% right on:

If she has "damaged" the health of her sister and her husband and she is " very high maintenance" and it will be difficult to transport her I think the first thing that should be on the caregivers list is ...

Why are you going to bring her to live with you?

You don't think she will damage your health?

You don't think she will damage any sort of life you have right now?

You do net mention your life..

a family?

a job?

friends?

hobbies?

You do realize this will be taken from you?

Move her closer to you if you think that is best but Assisted Living might be a safer option. Safer both physically and mentally.

If she truly hates the cold and she has a network of people where she is now Assisted Living there in Florida might also be an option.
Now to answer your original question: "Is there a Caregivers List of Things to do? The answer is yes but the list might be different for each of us.

But no matter what is on the list the Number 1 item is the same.

1) TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF FIRST.
You can not help anyone if you're not at your best

Gena [and Grandma 1954 without permission to copy and paste].

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Thank you so much for this list.....it is what I am looking for - part of it. I have copied this list into a Word document I'm keeping. We are on hold moving her right now.....but if my Aunt's health worsens - I will have no choice as there is no one else to care for my Mom but me. We are concerned if she will even be able to make the trip or if it will make things worse for her. As for the ambulence.....my husband is Paramedic and we can possibly arrange it for a lot less than $40,000 (probably more like $10,000 for one of the older units). I am compiling a list of things that need to be done so I will be prepared when the day comes. I really appreciate your list.....it helps tremendously. Thank You.

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Based on your comments, perhaps consider an assisted living in Florida near her sister?

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Having my mother here wrecked me in 8 short weeks. I was incapacitated.
I am in Florida. My mother is in a LOVELY Assisted Living, in their Memory Care side.
We are able to visit 2x/week. Telephone calls, Zoom meetings, and window visits are always available.
I am in constant contact with her caregivers, by text, email, and phone calls.
There are other answers beside taking your mom to be cared foe in your home.
Best wishes.

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You say that your Mother has “damaged” her sisters health and Mom needs to come live with you. I don’t mean to be rude in asking this question but have you ever provided 24 hour care for someone especially someone that seems very medically and possibly mobility needy?

I strongly caution you against bringing her to live with you. Your life as you know it and freedom to do as you choose, autonomy or even piece of mind will be gone not to mention the physical toll it will take on your body.

I beg you to reconsider. I say this from a place of care and concern. I provide full care for my husband and developmentally disabled adult stepdaughter. Being their caregiver has drained me completely and changed my life. You don’t bounce back from these things. Prayerfully decide because your life matters too❤️ Best of luck to you

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The list is many and greatly depends on your specific situation and your moms. My suggestion is to seek legal advice from an elder law attorney and seek the advice of an aging care manager in your (and/or your mom's) area to guide you through this. They will know all that needs to be done, is best for your particular situation and expertly lay out all of your choices. They are familiar with every service out there in your area and will have some advice, ideas, and suggestions you have never thought of! I wish you luck and pleaseckeep in mind that your health and mental status is very important. You cannot be a good caregiver if you do not take care of yourself first.

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I would invest some time/$ for a consult with a certified elder law attorney...You need to if possible have a caregiver agreement so you are compensated for your time and efforts. They can be a wealth of knowledge and will help in setting up the other legal essentials too.

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Go visit your mother and be her caregiver for a month. Spend a week learning the job from your Aunt, then let them go on a vacation, a hotel in Florida or your place in the frozen north.

After a month you will know if you are able to do 24/7 care. Take some time with your Aunt and get your mother's legal issues in place. Get a level of care assessment done so if you move her to a care facility it is the right degree of care.

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This is a great idea! A month as your mother's caregiver will really deepen your understanding of what's involved with your mom's care, especially if she is high maintenance. As soon as possible get POA for finances and health (bonus points for a living will) so you can act for her benefit when she can't. This is especially critical for travel and doctors. A diagnosis will give you a much better idea as to her trajectory as well as the kind of care she needs now and later, and living with her will give you information to give to the doctor. She's likely to say nothing is wrong with her. Few primary care doctors can do this so an appointment with a geriatric medicine doctor or neurologist would be the most efficient way to go. A diagnosis could also open doors to other services as well. can Also keep in mind that moving a person like her can be disorienting. I would even consult with a geriatric social worker to see what else you need to consider for the move. If she damaged your aunt's health she can damage yours too. Don't underestimate this. I think the majority of people on this forum who took in a loved one with serious issues or deficits into their home, or moved into their's, really came to regret it. Not because they didn't care but because it takes a tremendous amount reserve energy to take care of someone with these issues and sometimes there's little left to them.

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Try to avoid having her live with you.

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Imho, if you do plan to have your mother move in with you (I do not advocate this), you'd best seek out an elder law attorney. Prayers sent.

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This might sound harsh but why don't you move her closer to you but into an AL place? If she has to be moved by ambulance, either it is because of her weight or just because of major health issues, which an AL or NH will be able to handle better than you will be. You should contact an Elder attorney to see how her finances are and if she would qualify for Medicaid and also check into places close to you that accepts it and if they can accommodate her. Depending on what her illnesses are, you need to be aware of all the physical demanding things that you will need to handle. And you say that her sisters health has been damaged........what do you think is going to happen to you? Caregiving is a demanding job and depending if you still work, can you handle that and also a 24/7 caregiving job. This way you can visit (with CDC guidelines of course) with her and still enjoy her company rather than being worn out and then maybe "maybe" start regretting the move in with you. I am not saying that you can't do it, but it is going to be a big challenge and what the future holds may be more than you can handle. I wish you luck.

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Sunnytanner54 please read all comments and reply’s on this topic! We have been in your shoes. Good luck! There is work to be done
. #1. DPOA to start for finances and health.It must be notarized before you do anything.

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I live on a street that literally has 5 law 'firms'....LOL....with one right next door to our house. I intend to walk tomorrow to each one to find out if they handle geriatic / eldercare legal matters (POA, Living Will, DNR, etc.) and if they would be willing to enter my home when she gets here as she is physically incapable of going to them to handle all the legal matters necessary. Trust me - I will find one that can assist. Thanks for the info.

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You are getting a lot of good advice here. I wanted to throw in my little contribution also. If your Mom was in the military or is the widow of a veteran, she may be eligible for VA benefits. You can apply on line for any benefits: https://www.benefits.va.gov/compensation/index.asp.

Good luck.

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Your mother can be moved into a care home. She does not need to come live with you solely because you are her child who is *reluctantly* willing to care for her. Think about what this will do to you and to your life.

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I do not have a choice. She was promised that if my Aunt & Uncle could no longer care for her that she would come live with me (her only child). She is terrified of nursing homes because of what was done to her mother in one.....and so long as she has her faculties she is not a candidate for a nursing home according to our state laws. So, there is "no" alternative. I am very aware of how it will drastically change my life and living…..and although I'm not looking forward to it….I will do it. BUT…..she has a rude awakening when she comes to live with me as I will set boundaries (tough love) and not allow her to manipulate me as she has done her sister. I love my mother dearly and will deal with it……but cannot forsake this responsibility. Luckily, I have methods of dealing with stress that will be a great aid. The room she will reside in is half guest room and half my "Art Studio". I will be in the room with her most of the time. One of her high maintenance problems is she demands attention and never to be alone or left out of anything…..hopefully I can maybe even get her involved in some of the art things….LOL. However - I have no choice but to move her.

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Please consider your own current emotional state of being. COVID has played a horrible trick on people like myself, and possibly you, who had it all together prior to pandemic. I can only imagine that you will loose your mind caregiving for a high maintenance mother while riding out the rest of this awful pandemic with her in your home. Good luck to you and your husband if you choose too have mom live with you.

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Please understand everyone - I do not have the option of putting her in a nursing home / AL as she still has all her faculties and refuses to be put in one out of fear. Therefore so long as she has her faculties she is not a candidate for a nursing home / AL. She can't continue to stay in Florida because there is no one to care for her (her 80 yr old sister can't any longer). I have no choice but to bring her to my home. I was asking for a list because I have OCD and need to get things in order before I move upon something big of this nature. I have taken into consideration all the information, comments, suggestions and more that all of you have given me….and I made a list. I would be glad to share it with anyone else who might be in need of such a list. This list has some things specifically for my / our needs, but can be altered to fit the needs of anyone in a situation like mine. I will try and post in the next comment.

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Is there a list of Caregiver things to do?

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