I find myself questioning myself now that my mother has been relieved of her earthly burdens (5/31/2020). On one hand, I know I have already mourned the loss of my mother in the previous few years as she became less herself and more of a child for me to look after, and I did cry at her passing. There are moments when I profoundly feel the loss, but overall, I am relieved for her and for me. It has been such a welcome relief to be able to focus on the good memories before the overwhelming stress of caregiving took over my life. I loved my mother dearly, but she was a tough cookie and made caregiving difficult. For the last 18 months I have felt like I was navigating a mine field every time we interacted. I guess I am worried that I am fooling myself and grief will overwhelm me at some point.
I DO grieve the recent loss of my bro. I made a diary I can "write letters" to him with, make collages. But I will tell you also that I feel relief for him. He was frank to tell me he didn't really want a long slow slide into what Lewy's dementia is. He was "ready" to go. And in his last days I literally prayed for him to be allowed to go. I am relieved he need suffer no more in the slow slide that would take away his dignity and strength a cut at a time.
I felt the same when my Dad passed. A good long life of a good and decent man. We all did our best. I went outside in the cold air and took a long breath and thought "I don't have to be afraid for you any more; I can be at peace; nothing can ever hurt you again".
I think there are times we get poleaxed by pain, just miss the person so, think of something we want to tell him or her about, think of something funny or sweet they said, think about a moment when we failed and wish we had done better, and we just utter their names, and miss them so.
But you and I seem to grieve in the same way. They did their best. We did our best. This is the end that comes to each man and each woman. They cannot be hurt again. We did the best we could, and the agony that is the end is OVER.
Perhaps it is just a function of how we are made. Perhaps we are of a more pragmatic or practical nature? I'm not certain.
Hugs to you.
Thank you for staying on and continuing to share your wisdom!
It took me months to get over the last years of anger and frustration and remember what a good mother and person she had been. I’ve grieved in bits and pieces since, never a sobbing breakdown, just moments here and there, looking at old pictures etc. My mom had a hard life. I think about that more these days. It shaped who she was and how she navigated through her life.
Im still looking after my dad, he’s on hospice in a nursing home now with advanced dementia.
Good luck to you. It takes time.
We have mourned the loss for sometimes years while our loved one slowly disappears. Bystanders and sometimes family members that have not been as involved find the death more "sudden".
We are numb.
We grapple with not just the death of the person we loved, we cared for but our own "death" of sorts. We are no longer caregivers, a role that has been a major part of who we are. We no longer have to look at our watch when we are shopping and think...the caregiver watching him has to leave in 20 minutes and I have to get through this line...or...you wake up at midnight and again at 3 or 4 AM to change him and realize there is no one to change....or...you can actually sit and read a book or go to a movie but you are still physically and emotionally exhausted that you fall asleep reading the book, or you will pay $15.00 to see the movie and you fall asleep...
No one can tell you how to grieve or for how long. This is a personal thing that will happen on your time no one else's.
Do not be surprised if while driving down the road one day a song will come on that for some reason will trigger a memory and you will start crying. The same with an aroma, a snippet from a commercial, or something someone says.
Time. The old saying Time Heals All Wounds....
Like any wound grief can be raw, red, angry but it begins to slowly (and some people heal faster) fade and heal. Some wounds leave a large scar some smaller but even the scars fade but if you look they are always there, others may not see them but we know they are there. It is the memories that we carry that make us who we are.
Their is no right or wrong way to grieve. I grieved the lack of a nurturing mother all my life. Grief becomes problematic when people get stuck in anger, guilt or etc. Sounds like you are doing very well.
May God grant you grieving mercies and strength during this difficult time.
I think that it is wonderful that you can remember the good times before you started losing your mom. It says a tremendous amount about the love you shared with her. I never had the break down after I lost my grandmother, I grieved while she was alive, leaving me one brain cell at a time over a decade. I was happy that her struggle with AD was finally over and she could finally be at peace.
Take care of you now and know that she is finally at peace.
Only grateful for who she was, and what she taught me.
If you now find activities and relationships that bring you joy, don't feel guilty about it. We all have a right to live our lives and choose the purposes and people with whom and for whom we live.
Prayers and hope for the future